Thursday, December 31, 2009
I loved finding our I was pregnant (although this was actually on December 27, 2008.)
I loved that my parents were excited about having another baby around (I know this sounds ridiculous for someone my age, but my parents watched Emma when I worked and she started kindergarten this year so they were finally free!! However, when my dad found out he said, "Oh good, I was thinking it was going to be so lonely without Emma around, but I hated to ask you to have another baby just for me!")
I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED finding out we were having TWINS!!! That was the most amazing experience of my life I think!
I loved seeing my babies every time I went to the doctor!
I loved answering the question, "Is this your first baby?" (Now I don't like it so much!)
I loved discussing (aka arguing about) names for our new additions...we are terrible about choosing names and now we had to choose names for two babies!
I loved meeting, holding and kissing my beautiful girls...this was the saddest day of my life, but I still loved meeting my twins.
I loved all of the pictures and reminders I received of Sophia & Ellie including their names in the sand, on flowers, on leaves, on jewelry, on ornaments, etc.
I loved making the very special virtual friends I have made here and learning about how special one IRL friend truly is to me...you know who you are L!!
And today, the last day of 2009, I loved finding out that I am carrying Sophia's & Ellie's baby sister.
Hoping 2010 is full of things I love!!!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
I wanted to find a stocking for Sophia & Ellie to hang from the mantel with the rest of ours. I had a really difficult time with this because nothing was just right. I finally settled on a light pink stocking with a tiara pinned on it. I asked my other sil, who is a wonderful seamstress, if she would embroider the girls' names on it for me. She did and it is beautiful. Even though it is not what I had envisioned, it is perfect.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Note: The following has nothing to do with my giveaway!!
Right after Thanksgiving we had our annual family pictures taken. This was hard for me too because it was not what I had pictured for our Christmas cards this year. I imagined Hutch & myself each holding a baby with Brady & Emma standing in between us. The photographer, "R", who is a friend of a friend, surprised me with a picture of two leaves floating in water. As soon as I saw it I knew it had to be included in our Christmas card. I had "R" photo.shop in the girls' names and a little message onto the photo. I was so touched that she thought of doing this for me, for my girls. Sarah also did a flower with all of our names on it...I too love it and had to include it as well. So, since I do not have all of your physical addresses here are pictures of our family's Christmas Card. The top photo is the cover of the card and the second photo is the top & bottom inside of the card. Take a look and know that I am wishing you all the best for this Christmas and a very Happy New Year...we definitely all deserve it!
And now what you all really came here for...The Last Giveaway!!!! I am not offering anything new, I have not had time to be creative and come up with a whole new project. So, I am offering a piece of jewelry from my etsy shop again. I have a few pictures posted here, but again, I am willing to work with you to make the perfect piece that fits your needs. So to enter, leave me a comment and tell me something about your Christmas...how it was for you, anything special you did, what you thought of the giveaways, anything you want to tell us. I will be leaving this giveaway open for a few days...I know it is a busy time and everyone might not be reading today, so I will randomly choose a winner in a couple days. Thanks again everyone for making our days a little brighter!
Love to you all and especially to my sweet little girls. xo
NOTE: These giveaways are open to all baby lost mamas. If you didn't sign up to host a giveaway we still want you to participate and try to win some of these GREAT items. We want to spread happiness to everyone, not just those who are hosting a day! xo
Day 28 - April and Kyle at Our Broken Hearts are giving away todays items...go take a peek and leave thm a comment!! Day 27 - Today Karen at Gott Joy! is hosting our giveaway. Go leave her a comment and enter to win!! Day 26 - I know it is "25 Days of Giveaways" but more days equals more joy...right?? Anyway go on over to Holly's blog today @ Caring for Carleigh and see what awesome item she is giving away. Day 25 - Take a peek at Katy's blog at In Hannah's Honor and see what great item she is giving away today. Day 24 - Today is Lauren's turn at Lauren's Blog to host a very special giveaway. Stop by and pay her a visit!!Day 23 - Let's all stop by Ashley's blog at Maxton David Standifer to see what lovely item she is offering today!Day 22 - Stop by Once a Mother to see what wonderful thing she is giving away today!!Day 21 - Today we go back to Tina's blog at Living Without Sophia and Ellie. Her dear IRL friend is giving away today's item via her blog.Day 20 - Stop by and visit Mackenzie's Mommy at Missing Mackenzie and enter her giveaway today!!Day 19 - It is Susan's turn at Our Lives Forever Changed to host the giveaway today. Go check out her super sweet item!!Day 18 - Go check out Amanda's blog at What's Cooking...or Not! and see what she is giving away!!Day 17 - Let's go pay Rachel a visit at Three Butterflies and a Monkey to see what great thing she is giving away today!!!Day 16 - Hop on over and see what Christy is giving away at A Piece of the Pearsons!!Day 15 - Now it is Danielle's turn at Letting Go and Letting God to giveaway another GREAT item!!Day 14 - Take a peek at what Lindsay is giving away today in La La Land!!Day 13 - Today lets visit Jessica at Momma of Two Angels to see what she has to offer!!Day 12 - Go pay Angie at Still Life with Circles a visit to see what terrific item she is giving away today!!Day 11 - Stop by and leave Mallory at Mommy of an Angel a comment to enter in her great giveaway!!Day 10 - Today it is TracyOC's turn at Mommicked to giveaway another fabulous item!!Day 9 - To enter in today's giveaway go visit Brandy @ Forever Elliot's Mommy.Day 8 - Lets go pay Jill a visit at Footprints on our Hearts to see what she is giving away!!Day 7 - Take a peek at Franchesca at Handprints form Heaven and see what she is giving away!! Day 6- Let's head back to the USA and visit Donna at Life Without Ellie to see what she has to brighten our day!!!Day 5 - Hop on over and see Sarah at Oh, The Possibilities! She has something special to give!!Day 4 - Stop by Lea's blog at Nicholas' Touch and see what special item she is giving away!Day 3 - Go visit Karen at Busy Hands to see what she is giving away!Day 2 - To enter in today's giveaway visit Jeanette at Lazy Seamstress.Day 1 - To enter in today's giveaway visit Tina at Living Without Sophia & Ellie.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Just a few days to go until the giveaways are over!!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
When "L" read about the giveaways, she said she wanted to "host" one too. So today's giveaway is from my dear friend "L" via my blog. This item that she has made for one of us is lovely. I know she has put a lot of thought and love into it. It is a small vintage basket that she stumbled upon in an antique shop I believe. She has embellished it with a beautiful glittery bird, some lovely ribbon, and even some stuff (I don't know what it is called, it is what doilies are made of) that her grandmother made. It is gorgeous. I think it would be the perfect place to store photos of your baby(ies), but it can be used for a number of things. Here are some pictures, but they definitely do not do it justice.
So to enter today's giveaway, leave me a comment and tell me about someway your IRL friends have surprised you...if you want to, or just leave your info!! And just so we are clear on this...I will be leaving a comment because I would LOVE to win this from my very special friend! I will randomly choose a winner sometime tomorrow...Good Luck!!
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Joseph's Studio Baby's First Christmas Ornament at Getfed Discount Catholic Catalog
I also ordered 2 indoor statues that look very similar to the ornament so I can keep them out all year long. And I ordered 2 outdoor outdoor statues that also depict sleeping babies wrapped in wings. All of the pieces were somewhat affordable and shipping was free!!
I don't really think of my Sophia & Ellie as angels, but I do think of them as two Heavenly beings that are absolutely perfect in every way. Anyway, I just thought I would share because I know some of you have been searching for the perfect ornament to represent your babies and this is as close to it I have found.
Don't forget to visit Jeanette's blog to enter her giveaway and check back here tomorrow to see where to go next. Peace to you my friends!!
Friday, November 27, 2009
That is Nicolle from Missing Kasey!!
Congratulations Nicolle!!!! Please e-mail me at email@example.com and we will discuss what you want exactly!
I loved hearing all of your ideas on keeping your babies' spirits alive during the holiday season. I know we all do what we can on a daily basis, but it is these holidays that we feel our losses even more (I think.)
I wish I could give a necklace to all of you. But since that is not possible, I would like to offer all of you bloggers a 10% discount through November 30th. If you want to take advantage of this offer, then convo me on etsy or e-mail me telling me who you are and which peice you are interested in and I will set up a listing for you. If you are on facebook, you can also become a fan here.
Tomorrow's givieaway is being hosted by Jeanette at Lazy Seamstress. Jeanette is a WONDERFUL seamstress (I am so jealous!) so go by and leave her a comment so you can be entered to win her very special giveaway.
Thank you for being a part of 25 Days of Giveaways!!!
Thanks for participating and don't forget to check back here tomorrow to see where to go next!!!
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Last night we went to a friend's house for a little get together. Our school librarian "A" was there. A lost identical twin boys to TTTS 24 years ago. I found out about this after I lost the girls, but she had never spoken to me about it. Last night she brought it up and we talked for a while about our losses. She told me the hurt never goes away and that she too carries guilt with her. She said she heard a song on the radio a few weeks ago and it is one that she has always associated with her boys and she started crying. She said that when she sees twins still, it hurts. A has 5 other children (1 older than the twins and 4 younger) but she said none of them have ever filled the void from losing her boys. It was so nice to be able to talk to her, someone who knows what it feels like. I am sure my experience was very difficult for her, first me being pregnant with twins, then losing them; it couldn't have been easy even after all this time. I appreciate her talking to me last night, she is a good friend.
Today is Thanksgiving and I have so much to be thankful for. I sometimes forget all the blessings I have in my life. It is so easy for me to focus on the things I am missing, but I truly am fortunate. We are going to my parents house and will spend the day with my family. Holidays just aren't the same for me anymore. I used to wake up excited for the day's festivities, now I wake up thinking of my girls and not even realizing it is a holiday. I would love to skip this season altogether, but I have to get through it for Brady & Emma.
I hope you all have a wonderful day and are surrounded by good food, friends, family and peace. Don't forget to check back here tomorrow for the kickoff of 25 Days of Giveaways!!!
Happy Thanksgiving Sophia & Ellie. Mommy wishes you were her with us to celebrate your first turkey day. Know we will be thinking of you and missing you as always. xoxo
Monday, November 23, 2009
Also, Angie had a GREAT suggestion. She thought we could maybe use a button to get the word out about our giveaways. And, she offered to design it too! I love it Angie! Thank you so much! So grab the button and start spreading the word...We have 4 more days till the first giveaway, and I am the first host, so come back and see me on Friday!!!!!
Friday, November 20, 2009
Just a few notes...I will be contacting all who wish to host a giveaway and let you know which day you will be (if you have a preference please let me know.) I know some of you are concerned about Christmas delivery. I don't think it matters if your item arrives before or after Christmas (unless it is a seasonal item.) The purpose is to spread some joy in our worlds and that can be at anytime!! All of your ideas will be great!!! I can't wait to hear more about them! If you still want to participate its not too late, just leave me a comment or send me an e-mail!!!
I can't wait! You all have already brightened my day by making this crazy idea in my head a reality!!! Thank you, thank you , thank you!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
To those of you who are "crafty" in some way, I am thinking about us all joining together and doing a Twelve Days of Christmas (or however many days we can.) What I mean is each of us who choose to participate will host a giveaway to help spread some happiness to us who will so desperately be needing it. It would be great if we can do one a day from the day after Thanksgiving until Christmas Day, but even if it is just a few I still think it would help to lift our spirits.
Anyway, let me know what your thoughts are on this and if you would like to host a giveaway on your blog. (If I don't hear from some of you out there soon who I know have a special talent, I will be contacting you!! :)
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
• Learn about premature birth at marchofdimes.com/fightforpreemies
• Put a badge on your blog during November, Prematurity Awareness Month®
• On November 17, blog for a baby you love and to help othersWe need to fight
― because babies shouldn’t have to.
I often wonder if it were 10, 15, 20, or more years in the furute, if my girls would have a chance of surviving. If the day comes when babies who are born at 21 weeks have a chance of survival, it will be very bittersweet for me. Sweet because less mommies will have to loose their precious babies, but bitter because that means my girls could have survived, just not at this time.
Anyway, it really doesn't matter...it's just something I think about.
Missing and loving you as always Sophia & Ellie. xoxo
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Emma was an angel for Halloween. I don't know if that seems weird to people or not. I wonder if some think it was my decision because I can't move past losing the girls. No one has said anything to me and really if that is what someone is thinking it doesn't matter. I mentioned to Emma a few months ago that she could be an angel. She liked the idea right away and stuck with it. Normally she changes her mind every hour, but not this time. I think for her it may have been a way to connect to her sisters. She did mention at the last minute that she wished she could have been a cheerleader, but oh well...she is 5! Here are a couple of pics:
Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?
I am 6 months, 2 weeks, and 3 days out from losing Sophia & Ellie. I don't really know where I am in my grief. I think I am kind of numb right now. I am able to go through the motions of a day, but when I sit back and think of what I have lost, it just takes my breath away. I sometimes worry that I am avoiding dealing with my grief. I try not to avoid my feelings, but it is so hard for me sometimes.
I still miss my girls. It still hurts like hell. I have started to let my mind go back to that day. It is really hard, but bits and pieces at a time are much easier for me to process than the whole picture at once. I know I will always hurt and long for Sophia & Ellie. Nothing is ever going to change that.
I don't know how I hope to feel in the future. I can't imagine feeling whole again or like our family is complete. Something is ALWAYS going to be missing from my life, no matter how full it is. I do feel like I have found some peace with my loss. I am not completely at peace, but it is a start.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
A mother fruit bat has a baby who she loves so much, she names her Stell.aluna. The mother is flying through the night sky with her baby and along cones an owl and flies into them. Mother can not hold onto Stell.aluna and she falls below. However, Stell.aluna didn't fall to the ground, she fell into a bird's nest with 3 baby birds. The mother bird allows Stell.aluna to stay and treats her like the rest of her babies. A while later, after Stell.aluna has grown a bit, she meets some other bats. After hearing her story, one of the bats realized that Stell.aluna is her baby that she thought she lost when the owl attacked. Mother and baby are reunited and live happily ever after...yada, yada, yada.
So anyway, I am reading this story and it hits me. Mother fruit bat is reunited with her baby. She wasn't gone forever like my girls are. I will not find them two months from now or two years from now. I hope we will be reunited when my time here is over, but I have to live my life here on Earth without my girls. It took everything I had in me not to run out of the room. I had to hold my tears back and keep my voice from cracking. It as very difficult and brought up a lot of emotions for me.
Today I am home with Emma because she is sick again. I left the movie Stell.aluna for the sub to show to my students so I do not have to relive that story again. I just don' think I could do it. I am happy for mother fruit bat and Stell.aluna, but just still so sad for myself and my girls...and all of you out there who understand.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Needless to say, there was no fire, the girls' box was safe and sound right on top of my dresser. However, now I am thinking I need to put in in our safe. I hate the idea of not having the box out where I can see it, but even more I would hate for something to happen to the box while we were away.
Also last Sunday (wow it was an eventful day!) I went and visited with an old friend I used to teach with. She is experiencing some life changing challenges in her marriage right now so even though our grief is different, it is still similar in many ways. We talked for quite a while and it is interesting that we have a lot of the same emotions and reactions to our "losses." I got a good cry out while talking to my friend and I sure felt a lot better afterward. It is so nice that she can comfortably talk to me about my girls and my experience. It really helped my emotional state because the days before this I had been in a pretty foul mood.
I have always talked about Brady and Emma to my students. However this year I am more reluctant to do so. I know the question, "How many kids do you have?" would come up and it did this week. I don't remember what we were talking about, but a student asked the question. Of course I have thought about my answer to this question and my thoughts have been that I would answer truthfully, 4. And if further questions were asked I would simply say that we have 2 of our children here with us and 2 that live in Heaven. Well, the question was thrown out, but for some reason I just didn't feel like answering it. Instead I just ignored it and went on teaching. I am not sure why I did this, I am quite comfortable with my answer, but maybe the timing just wasn't right. I don't know...
I know I haven't finished writing Sophia's & Ellie's story here, I will someday, but it is just so hard. But when we had the girls we decided not to bring Brady and Emma in to see them. I have never regretted this decision. I thought it might be too much for them, too traumatic. After all we did have pictures and the kids have seen these. However, the other night I was putting Emma in bed and we were talking about her sisters. She told me that she wanted to go to the hospital when I had them. I asked her why and she said because she wanted to see her sisters. My heart broke all over again and for the first time I am doubting my decision on not bringing them in to see the girls. I told her we have pictures and we can look at them whenever we want to and she was satisfied with that answer, but I am still doubting my decision.
I have been having a hard time lately, my emotions are all over the place. I have been crying more than I had been and have been sadder than I was. I guess that is just grief's way. The friend I was talking to last week asked if I had experienced all the emotions involved with the grieving process. She asked if I had been angry and really I don't feel that I have been. I don't know who to be angry at. I have been upset with myself for not doing things differently, I have questioned my doctors possibly missing something that was wrong, but I don't blame anyone for my girls' deaths. I sometimes feel like I want to be mad at someone, but I don't know who to be mad at. I know some people become angered at God. I don't think this was something He controlled and made happen, it wasn't part of his "plan" for me. That is just not the way I think, maybe if I did think like that, then I would be angry at Him, but that's not me. So this foulness that I mentioned earlier that comes out of me, maybe that is my anger releasing itself on whoever happens to be there at the moment. I don't know, but mostly I am just really missing my girls.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Journaling and blogging have been constant in my life since losing my girls. I first started a journal because I had to get the thoughts out of my head. I was afraid of forgetting something, so I had to get it all down on paper. Then I turned to blogging. It is such a huge comfort to me to know that there are people out there that understand what I am feeling. It makes my life have a sense of normalcy during this not so normal circumstance. Also this community and all they have to offer amazes me. The first blog I stumbled upon was Carly's Names in the Sand. I could not wait until the day I could submit my name request. I would check many times a day to see if she had opened the requests up. I HAD to have my girls' names written and I cherish them every day. Thank you so much Carly for all you do for us.
Emma's preschool teacher also lost a baby about 15 years ago. She is a Godsend to me. Being able to talk to her and see that she has lived through the agony was comforting. There are also 2 women at my school that have lost babies many years ago. One of them has reached out to me since the school year began, the other I have not spoken to about it. She lost identical twin boys to TTTS about 25 years ago. I wonder if my story hits too close to home for her.
My family and friends helped me tremendously through the first few weeks of losing Sophia & Ellie. They sat with me, cried with me, held me, cleaned my house for me, cooked for me, and basically just loved me and my girls. My husband too was my rock during those early days.
Something else that has helped me is creating jewelry. I love working in their space, the room that was to be their nursery. I love the creative outlet it gives me and it does my heart good to know that maybe I have helped another family remember their baby who was gone too soon. Also, having a piece of jewelry to wear with Sophia's & Ellie's names is very comforting to me.
Another thing that has helped me make it through the very early, very dark days is my living children. I had to get out of bed to be there for them. I had to make their lives feel somewhat normal. I had to still be their mommy. Although there were times when I was not very good at this, it still gave me a purpose, a reason to keep living.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
The past few days have been hard at work. My girls are always on my mind and the tears have been coming, but I have to stop and keep it all together because there are 21 second graders in the room staring at me. I hate that I can't cry when I need to or just walk outside to get a little fresh air. I am so resentful that I have to be there everyday. (I know you all are probably really tired of hearing that from me, I know my husband is!!!) However, I feel like this life experience has given my new found patience with my students. Really, does it matter that they aren't all on the right page right now, does it matter that they cut the paper the wrong way?? The answer is no, these minor things don't matter to me because there are other things that matter so much more than this, and you all know what, I mean who, they are.
Tomorrow is 5 months since seeing my beautiful babies. I can't believe I have lived this long without them. I miss them so much and just wonder what it would be like. What it would be like to have them here, both of them. I know what it is like to have a singleton, but wow...twins! I could hardly wait...I love chaos! By the way, have you ever noticed how often the word twins is spoken? I think I hear it nearly everyday, actually several times a day, in casual conversations, especially working with kids, on television, from my Emma. It hurts every time.
So, tomorrow I will be going to the cemetery to take my girls some flowers and visiting my sweet ones. Hutch's grandma went a couple weeks ago. I love this woman...she may be elderly, but she is very acute. She has a sixth sense about things. She has dreams regarding the sexes of babies in the family, and she is always right. In fact when we had Brady, we were told he was a girl, she dreamt he was a boy, and you know who was correct! Anyway, she told Hutch that when she was visiting Sophia's & Ellie's grave she could feel their presence, they were there. I know this sounds awful, but when she dies I want her to be with my babies. As bad as that sounds, I know I could tell her that and she would understand.
Happy five months little girls, happy five months! xoxoxo
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Within the last several days questions have arose. Emma has a new dance teacher and we were talking one day. She asked me how many children I have at home. It was really odd the way she worded it...almost like she maybe knew all too much about the loss of a child and therefore chose her words carefully. I told her we have 2 children with us, Emma and her brother Brady, and we left it at that. But I am still wondering why she asked the way she did.
I was talking to a boy on the playground a few days ago, he is in first grade and I had his brother in my class a couple years ago. This boy, J, was saying that his brother, M, talks about my babies. I asked J what M says about them and he say M wonders what they look like. They don't know they are not here with me. Clearly, they don't know. Their mother is a nurse and I believe she is a NICU nurse in another city. I think that if she knew what happened with the girls, she would have explained to M & J my loss. I just smiled though and thought of my beautiful little girls, because I am so glad that I had the opportunity to see them, hold them, and kiss them, even if it was for just a day.
Friday all the Kindergartners had a little picnic at school. Emma has a classmate whose brother was in my class a couple years ago. I was talking to their mother and she asked me about my other kids. I told her about Brady and she asked about the baby. I explained that we had twins in April, but they were born prematurely and didn't survive. She of course apologized.
So the questions and comments are popping up here and there. I didn't get overly emotional with any of these conversation. I kind of feel bad for that. I feel like maybe I should have teared up, but I didn't. I love and miss my girls so very, very much, and I know I am not done grieving, nor will I ever be. However, I think I have spent so much time preparing myself for these conversations that I was ready to answer them, well as ready as one can be when talking about their dead babies.
I went to Costco again yesterday. I walked through the store in tears knowing I won't be buying Christmas gifts for Sophia & Ellie. It just breaks my heart that they are not here. I wish they were and I was whole again. I am not sure why Costco has this effect on me, maybe it is because they are the first to get seasonal merchandise out, or maybe because I know I would be buying diapers there. I just don't hope they change my name on my membership card to read: Crazy Lady!!
Earlier this week, Jenna's mommy, Franchesca made a Hope Collage for Sophia & Ellie. You can see it in my side bar on the left. It is amazing and she does it out of the kindness of her heart. I sent her several words that come to mind when I am thinking of my girls and she put them together in this collage. It is just another reminder of my sweet girls and of how wonderful this community is. Thank you Franchesca!!!Today is 21 weeks and 1 day since losing Sophia & Ellie. They have been gone for the exact amount of time they were with us. The time without them seems so much longer when compared to the short amount of time we had with them safe within my womb. I love you sweet girls. xo
Saturday, September 12, 2009
A very dear friend of mine had some flowers made for Sophia & Ellie. I wanted something to put in the yard that I don't have to worry about. I am not very good at remembering to water things...She brought me these when we returned from our trip. The fronts have Sophia's & Ellie's names and the backs say, "Forever in our hearts, sweet angel baby. 4-25-09" They are perfect and I will find the perfect spot for them. Thanks Jen!!!
Also, I want to say thank you to those of you who lent me so much support last weekend. Getting through Sophia's and Ellie's due date was difficult for me on many levels. I received several e-mails, texts, and fb messages from IRL friends/family and I received many comments with words of encouragement from you who read my blog. Thank you to all of you. I could not do this without your love and support.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
So I go on, walking down the aisles. It being Costco and September, of course they have some Christmas items out. I am looking at the things and it hits me. I should be buying Christmas gifts for Sophia & Ellie this year, but I won't be. There is nothing I can buy for them because they are not here. So the tears are there, I keep walking. I turn the corner and there is a family. The mother is wearing her very young infant in a carrier. It really hits me. My girls should be here.
I keep going and decide I might need a book to read while on our trip. I am looking at a book by Wally Lamb trying to decide if it would be good to read this weekend. I look down at the stack and sitting right next to it is The Shack that I have read so much about. So I put Wally's book back and decide maybe this is what I need to read. (FYI: I haven't read any of it yet...)
Now on to the flowers. I find a very sweet bunch of pink roses of varying types. I decide these will be perfect for my sweet girls. I have what I need, so with tears in my eyes I go on to checkout. A young man helps me and asks how my day is. I want to tell him my day f***ing sucks, that I should have 2 babies with me, I should be here buying diapers and wipes, not flowers to take to their grave. But of course I say, "Fine, thank you." He scans all my items and a woman is helping him box things up. When she gets to the roses she stops and looks at them. She slowly brings them to her nose and smells them. As she is doing this, the tears well. I am hoping she will not comment about them or ask what they are for because I know I will no longer be able to hold them back. She gently lays the roses in the cart and doesn't ask, whew, I was relieved. I finished the transaction, not making eye contact with anyone, hoping they will not see my eyes filled with tears and think I am a lunatic, not that I care if they think I am a lunatic, but...you know.
So I made it out of Costco and went on to the cemetery. As I was driving up I could see a canopy set up in Babyland, where my girls are buried. I knew this meant another baby had died and the service was being held that day. I was worried they might have my girls' grave covered and I wouldn't be able to leave the flowers, but it wasn't. I made my way to their spot and started breaking off the stems of the flowers so they will fit in the vase. As I am doing this a butterfly lands on one of the roses and visits for a while before flying away. This made me smile. thank you girls for sending me a visitor. I finish placing the flowers and cleaning off their marker and say my goodbyes. It makes me very sad to see another family will be burying their baby soon too.
So we arrived at the beach Friday afternoon and have been enjoying the peace and quiet and cooler weather. It has been hard getting through this date, their due date, but I am managing. I have much more to post, but I will wait until later. Thank you for thinking of us and our girls this weekend, it comforts me to know you are out there.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Hutch & I are going to the beach again for the weekend. This time without the kids. We thought about taking them, but decided against it. I just want to be able to be sad, to cry, to be angry and not have to worry about them seeing me fall apart. I try not to have complete meltdowns in front of them very often.
Although I wish we were going for very different reasons, I am looking forward to some time away. I have been so overwhelmed lately, and I think some down time will be good for my heart and soul. Now if I could just have some little fairies come and do the cleaning, laundry, and shopping while I am gone...
Dearest Sophia & Ellie,
Mommy loves you girls and will be thinking of you all weekend, just like always. I so wish you were here with us right now. I know you would both be such a wonderful addition to our family. We miss you and love you sweet ones.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
I know it will not ease their pain, but as I have said before, it is something tangible that they can wear and touch. It is a way for Mirne to wear the love she has for all of her babies.
I need to send this to Mirne & Craig as soon as possible, however I do not have their address. Please, if anyone has it, or Mirne & Craig, if you happen to be reading, please e-mail (firstname.lastname@example.org) me an address where I can send this.
You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight and forever baby Jet.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
3. List at least 10 honest things about yourself.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Since then, I have designed a few other pieces with their initials, and I wear one of the three necklaces nearly everyday. After making my first piece I decided I wanted to make my jewelry available to others; to other bereaved parents like me, and also to parents who do not know my pain; our pain.
If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like. Did you have it ready for them before they were born? If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby? Did you pack it all away? What is your baby's room now? If you lost your baby after they had come home what is it like going into there room now? If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?
We had decided where we would put our babies, but we never had the chance to get it ready for them. When we purchased our house it was a foreclosure. An addition had been started off of our bedroom, but was never completed. We finished it in November and it was to be my craft room. We found out I was pregnant at the end of December, then found out we were having twins in March. After realizing we were having two babies, we decided the craft room would be the perfect nursery!
I was so busy before having the girls, so we hadn't had a chance to get started on their room. Of course I had LOTS of ideas swirling around in my head, but non of the them were ever executed.
The room is still being used as my craft room and I love being in there. When I am working on a project (which brings me to my next post) I always think of my sweet Sophia & Ellie.
We are TTC again. I have mixed emotions about setting up a room for the next baby if we are so lucky to have another. I hate to not be prepared for ANYTHING, but at the same time I know how badly it will hurt me to have a room set up with no baby to put in it. I guess we will cross that bridge when it comes, but I can see myself setting it up because I tend to err on the side of optimism. I do not think I want to use my craft room for another child. I feel that it is Sophia's and Ellie's room. I almost feel like putting another baby in "their" room would be a betrayal of some sort. Again, I guess we will cross that bridge when it comes, if we are so fortunate.
I have things lying around the house that belong to my girls, and they are still in the exact place as when we lost them. I am unable to move them, to put them away. Sometimes I will look at these items, but I mostly just like knowing they are there. I guess because it makes them real to me. I even have a book about multiples I was reading, oh how I loved reading that book, and it is still in my car...I just can't take it out.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Today was the first day with the students. I have to say that I was SOOO busy getting ready for the day that I really didn't have time to think about much. I made it through the school day without tears. I ran into a couple parents and many students from last year and I got lots of hugs, but no one asked about the babies...Until recess. A little girl asked me if I had the twins. Without even thinking I answered that I had them, but they were born too early and died and now they are in Heaven. I think I had gone over this question so many times in my head that I was really prepared for it, well as prepared as one can be. There were some other girls around so more questions came: Were they boys or girls? When did you have them? Why did they die? What were their names? The little girl that first asked about my girls kept saying, "That is so sad." I just agreed with her and said, "Yes, it is very sad." Really though I think I did well and answered their questions with dignity and grace.
On a happier note, today was Emma's first day of kindergarten!!! She was so excited! She is going to the school I teach at and I absolutely loved seeing her throughout the day. It totally put a smile on my face every time I saw her. After school, her teacher told me that there is a girl named Ellie in their class. Emma told her that she has a sister named Ellie. Now when I heard this, the tears came to my eyes. I mentioned to her teacher that Sophia and Ellie and a very big part of Emma's life. She talks about them often and she always draws pictures of them and writes their names. I don't want her to be discouraged from doing this, and I know her teacher will accept Emma's sister for who and where they are.
I want to thank you all for the encouraging comments you left me about returning to work. I know so many of you have walked this path before me and I am comforted to hear your words. Today was better than I had expected. We will see what tomorrow brings; it will be 4 months since losing Sophia & Ellie. I am sure it will be another very busy day, but I know my girls will be on my mind.
I love you sweet girls!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
So, everyday on my way to work I am in tears thinking about the two reasons I should not be going there...I should be home with my Sophia & Ellie right now. I wasn't planning on going back to work in August, I should be on maternity leave. So I cry pretty much the entire way to work. I get there and keep to myself. I talk to as few people as possible. Today however, we had meetings and I had to be with the entire staff. People are carrying on, enjoying each other's company, catching up, etc. And I am just sitting there trying to hold back the tears, worrying about what will be said to set me off. I made it through the first meeting, barely. I had to listen to my administrator talk about how the staff is one big family, yadayadayada.
A few people asked how I was, hugged me, and were sympathetic to my situation. Others seemed oblivious, like they have forgotten. Last time they saw me I looked full term, so it is not like it could have slipped their minds. Others just stayed away. It hurts though, it is the absence of their words that hurts. I don't know why it is so hard for people just to say, "How are you holding up?" or "Are you doing okay?" Again, some people did, but most said nothing.
Monday will be the real test. It is officially the first day of school. I am not sure if I will be able to make it through the day without crying in front of the students. I feel sorry for these poor kids in my class. Their teacher is unstable. Not only did her babies die, but she is being treated very poorly and is very unhappy. All I can do is my best, but my best today is different than it was 4 months ago.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Here are a few things that happened while we were away:
I already wrote about the identical twin girl sighting...ugh!
One day we were shopping and out of the blue Emma said to me, "Mommy, I think every night Sophia & Ellie get down on their knees and pray that they can be down here with us." How sweet is that?? Every night we pray that our girls are well taken care of and that they come visit us in our dreams. But she thinks they pray to be here with our family; if only it were that easy...
We visited this little gallery that makes children's' handprint impressions from clay. We had both Brady's and Emma's handprints made when they were young and I wanted to have the same type of thing made for Sophia & Ellie. So we went back to this same gallery and talked to the owners Ross & Hedy. These are the sweetest, kindest, most compassionate "strangers" I have met in real life since losing my girls. I told them what I wanted and what it was for. Ross teared up and held my hands telling me that he is a parent too and understands how hard this must be for me. He said he can't quite understand because he has never lost a child, but he can only imagine. Hedy was just as sympathetic and was so quick to find a way to create my vision. We spent quite a bit of time talking to this wonderful couple and when we left I was very pleased with what we came up with. I can't wait to receive it!!! I will post pictures as soon as it comes.
I ran into someone I used to work with several years ago. She now lives in the town we were visiting and I bumped into her at the Farmer's Market. We chit-chatted for a few minutes and she asked me if we had had more children. Last time I saw her, we only had Brady. I told her we had Emma and we had just had twins in April, but lost them. This is the first person I have ran into that doesn't know our story and has asked about my children. This is the first time I have had that awkward feeling of what do I say. The moment was so brief to make the decision, but I guess I decided to tell her. She said how sorry she was and I must have gone on talking because I don't really remember where the conversation went after that. I feel like I need to contact her to explain, but I know she will ask others if she wants more information.
I tried to emulate Carly while on the beach. I wrote my girls' names in the sand and took some pictures. Lets just say I have a totally new appreciation for what she does! My photos look nothing like her beautiful pieces of art. I didn't think they would, but I had hoped for more. I might try it again next time we visit, but California beaches pale in comparison the the beautiful place where Carly photographs our sweet babies' names.
It is good to be home and back to the familiarity of my life, but we have plans to go again very soon. I just hope that next time all twins will stay at home!!!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
After we lost Sophia & Ellie I didn't hear from "S". We sent an e-mail to all our contacts stating what had happened and to please give us a few days before trying to contact us. Just thinking of writing that e-mail brings it all back...Anyway, I didn't hear from "S". She contacted my parents to see how things were, and a few weeks later I received a card from her. She wrote that her delay in sending the card was due to not having the right words to say, but then she realized that there was nothing she could say to make things better. She has called a few times for specific reasons, like to RSVP to Emma's party, to wish me a happy birthday, etc. She came over so we could exchange birthday gifts a couple months ago and last night we went to dinner.
Now through all the conversation and visits, I think she has only asked how I was doing once. The first time we spoke it came up, but she said she didn't want to get into everything over the phone, she would rather be there for me in person. So, I am thinking that at dinner last night she might ask how I am, she might mention my girls names, she will acknowledge my loss...Nope!!! She didn't ask, bring it up, or anything. I even mentioned being pregnant with the twins during another story, so she had an opening there.
I don't know how I feel about this. I think she probably just doesn't feel comfortable bringing it up, she doesn't want to hurt me, just like everyone else. But it does hurt me not to even acknowledge my girls. She is still a dear friend to me and I know she isn't doing this out of lack of support. I think I should have given her a "what to say/what not to say" brochure (do they make these :) so she feels more comfortable. Anyway...I just needed to get this out of my head! Thanks for "listening".