Well...it happened. There is this mother at school who is on the verge of obnoxious. She is the type to tell you her opinion, yet she doesn't know s*** about anything. I think it was my last day of work before having Sophia & Ellie and she stopped and talked to me and told me I needed to rub some type of oil on my skin to avoid the stretch marks...yada, yada, yada. So I have been avoiding this woman since school started because I just know she will have questions. Well, today it happened. I was walking to my classroom and from a distance she yelled, "How are your babies???" I knew it was coming, I just knew it. This was not really a question I had rehearsed in my mind. I thought for a split second, because well first of all it pisses me off that I even have to think about an answer. "Absolutely Wonderful!" should just pour out of my mouth, yet it can't. And because I really didn't know what to say. I replied, "They're not with us. I had them early and they didn't make it." Of course she apologized and I went on. Great way to start my morning huh?!
The past few days have been hard at work. My girls are always on my mind and the tears have been coming, but I have to stop and keep it all together because there are 21 second graders in the room staring at me. I hate that I can't cry when I need to or just walk outside to get a little fresh air. I am so resentful that I have to be there everyday. (I know you all are probably really tired of hearing that from me, I know my husband is!!!) However, I feel like this life experience has given my new found patience with my students. Really, does it matter that they aren't all on the right page right now, does it matter that they cut the paper the wrong way?? The answer is no, these minor things don't matter to me because there are other things that matter so much more than this, and you all know what, I mean who, they are.
Tomorrow is 5 months since seeing my beautiful babies. I can't believe I have lived this long without them. I miss them so much and just wonder what it would be like. What it would be like to have them here, both of them. I know what it is like to have a singleton, but wow...twins! I could hardly wait...I love chaos! By the way, have you ever noticed how often the word twins is spoken? I think I hear it nearly everyday, actually several times a day, in casual conversations, especially working with kids, on television, from my Emma. It hurts every time.
So, tomorrow I will be going to the cemetery to take my girls some flowers and visiting my sweet ones. Hutch's grandma went a couple weeks ago. I love this woman...she may be elderly, but she is very acute. She has a sixth sense about things. She has dreams regarding the sexes of babies in the family, and she is always right. In fact when we had Brady, we were told he was a girl, she dreamt he was a boy, and you know who was correct! Anyway, she told Hutch that when she was visiting Sophia's & Ellie's grave she could feel their presence, they were there. I know this sounds awful, but when she dies I want her to be with my babies. As bad as that sounds, I know I could tell her that and she would understand.
Happy five months little girls, happy five months! xoxoxo
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1 week ago
I think teaching and nursing are two of the hardest things you could do after losing a child. Probably because you are responsible for caring for everyone else's needs and you so need to focus on your own. Did you take some time off after losing the girls? I'm sorry you don't have more time to yourself. Thanksgiving and Xmas break are just around the corner.
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job with that women. Your answer was perfect. I know several woman that I follow have a problem with that. I know it's not easy but they have been asked if they have children and have answered no. It bothers me. Happy 5 months to your girls. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteYou gave that women an appropriate response. You have a tough job to do considering the loss you just suffered. *hugs* Sending prayers for healing and peace.
ReplyDeleteTina, you are such an incredibly beautiful person. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your struggles. You know you are on my mind, as I know your journey and am a few paces ahead.
ReplyDeleteYour close of "Happy five months little girls, happy five months! xoxoxo" brought tears to my eyes, and they won't go awaay. Happy five months, Sophia and Ellie. Hope you can have cake in Heaven. :)
P.S. SO happy I can finally post on here again - I have tried a dozen times or more lately, and this is the first day the comment box has popped up for me!
ReplyDeleteI felt/feel the same way, the little things don't matter anymore. Your career is something that helps children which is great, and its a hard job to do after losing your sweet girls. I think you handle it well, even if you think you don't somedays (I'll never get tired of hearing you vent about it BTW!). Tears are your right, and you can probably attribute it to hormones somewhat as they still may be all over the place. Hang in there sweet friend. I will light a candle for your sweet angel girls tomorrow and will be thinking of you. I am glad you are going to visit them, and hubby's Grandma sounds like an awesome lady, I am glad you have her :) Love, Nan xo
ReplyDeleteIt is so nice to have women like Hutch's grandma. They can really bring comforting words when the rest of the world fumbles for the right words. I am sorry for your loss, it is so difficult. Praying for you and thinking of you tomorrow especially.
ReplyDelete((HUGS))
I have only been asked once about Janessa...She said "So you had the baby!". When I told her I lost her I almost had to catch the woman. She just about fell over. I found myself comforting her. She now avoids me like the plague. Which is fine because she is pregnant & I don't mind that she keeps her belly "over there". Did I just say that? *sigh* We are hear to read your rants so go ahead and keep complaining. I know I will ;) I will be thinking of your precious angels tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteTina--You are so incredibly strong for doing what you do. Your 2nd graders are lucky to have you. They will learn something from you this year that you will never thought you taught them. Your grace, dignity and strength will be unmatched in yours and their lives. Will be thinking of you on your visit to the girls.
ReplyDeletexxxooo
Christy
lucky lucky kids to have you as their teacher. sending you big hugs tina xx
ReplyDeleteTina - you took on this woman head on, and make us other babylost mamas proud. i can sympathize how difficult and suffocating it can be to be present in each moment in that classroom everyday. i lost quinn on a thursday, and went back on monday. i couldn't stay at home, had to face those curious eyes head on. they are watching you, and absorbing your compassion, strength, and patience. i'll be thinking of you tomorrow. xxMB
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about hearing the word twins everywhere. Before i got pregnant i hardly ever heard it or took notice of it being said and now i seem to hear it said all the time or worse seing twins everywhere. I dont know where they are all coming from. I hardle ever seen them before and now when ever i go to the shops i see at least one set. It does hurt so much.
ReplyDeleteYou handled the womans question so well. i dont think i could come up with an answer like that so quickly.
Thinking of you, Sofia and Ellie xxx
And Happy Five Months Beautiful Girls XOXO
Hutch's grandmother sounds amazing. I love that she knows baby genders. And that school woman sounds so obnoxious, though you handled the situation with grace. Maybe she will think before screaming those kinds of questions across the room. I would have been tempted to scream something blunt back at her. Still, it just shows your ability to handle even rude people with elegance. Holding you close at five months. Tough time for me. With love.
ReplyDeleteI think you handled the woman as well as you could. It's not easy in a situation like that! I can understand teaching not being the same-those little things really don't matter in the big picture. This is true in my own life. Hutch's grandma sounds wonderful. It's funny because we have a couple members in my family that we say have 'witchy powers' because they are always predicting who's gonna have a baby and whatnot. They said that 3 people are going to be pregnant this year and there are already 2. I am hoping I am the 3rd.
ReplyDeleteHappy 5 months in Heaven Sophia & Ellie!!
Happy 5 months, Sophia and Ellie! Send warm hugs to your mom in the sun and kisses in gentle rain drops.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you...we're going to see our girls today too, and plant some things and make their spot prettier, now that everything is filled in and finished with the stone. One ofmy grandmothers died the day Bridgitte's heart stopped beating, and I know what you mean about wanting them to be together. I hope she and my other grandma who passed in July are with my babies, watching over them until I am someday. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteOh, Tina, I am so sorry. I wish you didn't have to face the questions, the hurt. You know it's coming, but it still smacks you in the face. It isn't fair that this is where we are, that it's MONTHS since we've seen our babies - there's no justice in that.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you have such an amazing spirit in your life, and that she is so close to the girls. It sounds like she is the type of person who helps you heal now, and who will hold those girls tight in Heaven.
Tina-Sorry that parents are like that! I know I have told you before, but I admire you for going back to teaching! I couldn't deal with the high maintenance helicopter parents at the school I use to work at! Thinking of you today happy 5 months Sophia and Ellie! ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI remember when I was in second grade I had a language arts teacher whi was pregnant, then she wasn't. I remember she took time off and so I asked about her to the other teachers. That treacher lost her baby girl and I have not forgotten her to this day. I hope you know that's it's okay to cry. You don't have to hold it together 100% of the time. No one can ever experience what you have been through but they can be there for you. As for that response to that woman, I think you answered her perfectly.
ReplyDelete((hugs)) to you.
And I also wanted to let you know that I added Sophia abd Ellie to the Remembrance list.
I agree. After a loss like the one we have suffered our perspective changes. How well someone does on quiz and how much money anyone makes is no longer important. I make it a point to tell my adult students that the class I teach is nowhere as important as them and their families.
ReplyDeleteGod! Don't you hate running into that situation? It's so awkward for both parties. Keep your head up, girl. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI feel so badly you had to face that mother but it sounds as though she wasn't as obnoxious as she had the potential to be. ;-) Your students are very blessed to have you as their teacher. I'm glad you have a special person like Hutch's Grandma in your life. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you got asked that question...it takes your breath away every time. If I'm placed in a room with an infant my body has a physical reaction instantly that I can't control and that's the same type of feeling when someone asks that dreaded question. You are definitely a strong woman to be working with kids and dealing with parents. Thinking of your babies tonight <3
ReplyDeletexo
Ashley
Thinking of you! I am a teacher too and after I lost Andrew they sent out a letter to the entire school to let them know what had happened... A couple years later, I saw a parent of one of my former students who had moved while I was still pregnant- I was shopping with Joey (My survivor twin) and my daughter Ali Jane who I had 15 months after the boys. The mom said to me, "Oh- so you had boy/ girl twins!" (We didn't learn the gender of the boys before they were born...) it caught me so off guard I didn't know what to say- I felt horrible but told her that actually they were not twins- and that he (Joey) was but his brother had died... so awkward. With the community outpouring we had I never thought that there would be someone we 'knew' who didn't 'know'- it sucked! Hang in there! Thinking of you! I know how hard it truly is!!!
ReplyDeleteHugs-
L
Beautiful, graceful response. Although I'm sorry you had to face that woman, and I'm sorry this is your reality.
ReplyDeleteYou reminded me how thankful I am to have a job in an office where I can close the door. I take that for granted, sometimes, but I can't imagine having to be with people and be "on" all the time. Thinking of you and your sweet girls.
You are amazing in your response. I literally hide in my classroom at school because I am afraid of running into anyone-subs from last year or whatever-and having to say it. I eat lunch at my computer and look at the internet or whatever because I can't handle leaving. It's so hard to always try to protect yourself, ya know?
ReplyDeleteThinking of you all...
1) She sounds more than merely on the "verge of obnoxious." I'd go ahead and just call her plain obnoxious.
ReplyDelete2) Ah, five months. It's been over two years for me, and I look back at that 1/2-year mark, or thereabouts, and recall it being one of the hardest times. I'm not sure what it was about that time...the loneliness of it? The sense that I was supposed to be over everything by then, but wasn't? The fact that my friends weren't asking me how I was doing every day?
Anyway, it got better with time, for me anyway. Hang in there. I feel for ya, keeping it together at work in front of a bunch of students. ((Hugs.))
This is the first time that I've come to your blog and this post brings tears to my eyes. Ugh, I got the how is your baby girl doing for months after Lily died and it broke my heart everytime to have to say "she didn't make it and lives in Heaven with her Heavenly Father." I've made countless trips to restrooms to cry and compose myself to continue on with my day.
ReplyDeleteI hope you "enjoy" visiting your girl's graves and that you feel your girls all around you~
Still not sure how we are all doing it. Our children have given us such a strength. I'm sorry that you had a bad start. I hope that the days get easier for you.
ReplyDeleteIt is so heartbreaking when those questions come up. I still don't know how I should answer. Although I should be answering "He's doing great." It still is not an easier answer.
THis is my first trip to your blog. I am new to the "just lost a baby" club that no one wishes to belong to. I live and teach in a small tight community. I teach Kindergarten and have had many moments like the one above. I have parents ask all the time how my baby is. I was very public with my son's still birth but it was not enough for some people. Praying for you and your family. K
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