This week has been rough. After nearly 4 months, I have gone back to work. Not only am I back to work, but I am now working full time. Since having Emma, I have only worked part time and it has been so great for our family. Well, due to my administrators, I am being forced into working full time. This is not a decision I agree with, I am not happy about it...at all, and I fought it very hard, but I did not win. I will not go into detail here, just in case someone IRL stumbles upon my blog. I am very angry and resentful that these people can not see my need to stay part time considering the circumstances...I better stop writing about them or else this post will get VERY UGLY!!
So, everyday on my way to work I am in tears thinking about the two reasons I should not be going there...I should be home with my Sophia & Ellie right now. I wasn't planning on going back to work in August, I should be on maternity leave. So I cry pretty much the entire way to work. I get there and keep to myself. I talk to as few people as possible. Today however, we had meetings and I had to be with the entire staff. People are carrying on, enjoying each other's company, catching up, etc. And I am just sitting there trying to hold back the tears, worrying about what will be said to set me off. I made it through the first meeting, barely. I had to listen to my administrator talk about how the staff is one big family, yadayadayada.
A few people asked how I was, hugged me, and were sympathetic to my situation. Others seemed oblivious, like they have forgotten. Last time they saw me I looked full term, so it is not like it could have slipped their minds. Others just stayed away. It hurts though, it is the absence of their words that hurts. I don't know why it is so hard for people just to say, "How are you holding up?" or "Are you doing okay?" Again, some people did, but most said nothing.
Monday will be the real test. It is officially the first day of school. I am not sure if I will be able to make it through the day without crying in front of the students. I feel sorry for these poor kids in my class. Their teacher is unstable. Not only did her babies die, but she is being treated very poorly and is very unhappy. All I can do is my best, but my best today is different than it was 4 months ago.
A Different Kind of Before and After
19 hours ago