Before leaving on Friday, I wanted to take flowers out to the the girls at the cemetery. I stopped at Costco to get the flowers and decided to take a look around. As I am walking in, I hear one of the employees talking on the radio. He was telling someone that another employee had to leave due to a family emergency. You know where my thoughts went. What kind of emergency? Is it the worst imaginable kind? Did his baby die? I truly hope not and I realize there are numerous other "emergencies" that could have made this employee go home, but these were my thoughts, this is what an emergency is to me now.
So I go on, walking down the aisles. It being Costco and September, of course they have some Christmas items out. I am looking at the things and it hits me. I should be buying Christmas gifts for Sophia & Ellie this year, but I won't be. There is nothing I can buy for them because they are not here. So the tears are there, I keep walking. I turn the corner and there is a family. The mother is wearing her very young infant in a carrier. It really hits me. My girls should be here.
I keep going and decide I might need a book to read while on our trip. I am looking at a book by Wally Lamb trying to decide if it would be good to read this weekend. I look down at the stack and sitting right next to it is The Shack that I have read so much about. So I put Wally's book back and decide maybe this is what I need to read. (FYI: I haven't read any of it yet...)
Now on to the flowers. I find a very sweet bunch of pink roses of varying types. I decide these will be perfect for my sweet girls. I have what I need, so with tears in my eyes I go on to checkout. A young man helps me and asks how my day is. I want to tell him my day f***ing sucks, that I should have 2 babies with me, I should be here buying diapers and wipes, not flowers to take to their grave. But of course I say, "Fine, thank you." He scans all my items and a woman is helping him box things up. When she gets to the roses she stops and looks at them. She slowly brings them to her nose and smells them. As she is doing this, the tears well. I am hoping she will not comment about them or ask what they are for because I know I will no longer be able to hold them back. She gently lays the roses in the cart and doesn't ask, whew, I was relieved. I finished the transaction, not making eye contact with anyone, hoping they will not see my eyes filled with tears and think I am a lunatic, not that I care if they think I am a lunatic, but...you know.
So I made it out of Costco and went on to the cemetery. As I was driving up I could see a canopy set up in Babyland, where my girls are buried. I knew this meant another baby had died and the service was being held that day. I was worried they might have my girls' grave covered and I wouldn't be able to leave the flowers, but it wasn't. I made my way to their spot and started breaking off the stems of the flowers so they will fit in the vase. As I am doing this a butterfly lands on one of the roses and visits for a while before flying away. This made me smile. thank you girls for sending me a visitor. I finish placing the flowers and cleaning off their marker and say my goodbyes. It makes me very sad to see another family will be burying their baby soon too.
So we arrived at the beach Friday afternoon and have been enjoying the peace and quiet and cooler weather. It has been hard getting through this date, their due date, but I am managing. I have much more to post, but I will wait until later. Thank you for thinking of us and our girls this weekend, it comforts me to know you are out there.
It's in his heart
15 hours ago