Saturday, September 5, 2009

Getting here

Before leaving on Friday, I wanted to take flowers out to the the girls at the cemetery. I stopped at Costco to get the flowers and decided to take a look around. As I am walking in, I hear one of the employees talking on the radio. He was telling someone that another employee had to leave due to a family emergency. You know where my thoughts went. What kind of emergency? Is it the worst imaginable kind? Did his baby die? I truly hope not and I realize there are numerous other "emergencies" that could have made this employee go home, but these were my thoughts, this is what an emergency is to me now.


So I go on, walking down the aisles. It being Costco and September, of course they have some Christmas items out. I am looking at the things and it hits me. I should be buying Christmas gifts for Sophia & Ellie this year, but I won't be. There is nothing I can buy for them because they are not here. So the tears are there, I keep walking. I turn the corner and there is a family. The mother is wearing her very young infant in a carrier. It really hits me. My girls should be here.


I keep going and decide I might need a book to read while on our trip. I am looking at a book by Wally Lamb trying to decide if it would be good to read this weekend. I look down at the stack and sitting right next to it is The Shack that I have read so much about. So I put Wally's book back and decide maybe this is what I need to read. (FYI: I haven't read any of it yet...)

Now on to the flowers. I find a very sweet bunch of pink roses of varying types. I decide these will be perfect for my sweet girls. I have what I need, so with tears in my eyes I go on to checkout. A young man helps me and asks how my day is. I want to tell him my day f***ing sucks, that I should have 2 babies with me, I should be here buying diapers and wipes, not flowers to take to their grave. But of course I say, "Fine, thank you." He scans all my items and a woman is helping him box things up. When she gets to the roses she stops and looks at them. She slowly brings them to her nose and smells them. As she is doing this, the tears well. I am hoping she will not comment about them or ask what they are for because I know I will no longer be able to hold them back. She gently lays the roses in the cart and doesn't ask, whew, I was relieved. I finished the transaction, not making eye contact with anyone, hoping they will not see my eyes filled with tears and think I am a lunatic, not that I care if they think I am a lunatic, but...you know.


So I made it out of Costco and went on to the cemetery. As I was driving up I could see a canopy set up in Babyland, where my girls are buried. I knew this meant another baby had died and the service was being held that day. I was worried they might have my girls' grave covered and I wouldn't be able to leave the flowers, but it wasn't. I made my way to their spot and started breaking off the stems of the flowers so they will fit in the vase. As I am doing this a butterfly lands on one of the roses and visits for a while before flying away. This made me smile. thank you girls for sending me a visitor. I finish placing the flowers and cleaning off their marker and say my goodbyes. It makes me very sad to see another family will be burying their baby soon too.


So we arrived at the beach Friday afternoon and have been enjoying the peace and quiet and cooler weather. It has been hard getting through this date, their due date, but I am managing. I have much more to post, but I will wait until later. Thank you for thinking of us and our girls this weekend, it comforts me to know you are out there.

23 comments:

  1. Tina,

    I'm thinking of you and your girls today. I'm so sorry they're not here with you. Wishing you some peace.

    Xoxo

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  2. I'm sorry the day wasn't the way it should have been, and that's with Ellie and Sophia in your arms... or even safely nestled in your womb. The butterfly was their simple tiny way of trying to cheer you up. I'll be praying for you, and hoping that you can feel even the slightest form of comfort on the girls' expected due date.

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  3. There bare so many dates we have to get through after our children pass away. So many days, hours and minutes and so very many seconds. I am really sorry your babies are not in your arms cuddled against you. Sending you love on this difficult day.

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  4. I'm the same Tina. Whenever I hear the word emergency or tragedy I instantly think that a child has died, that a baby has died. Strange, it was always a car accident before I lost my girl. I have the new Wally Lamb and The Shack on the shelf, I just can't seem to get round to starting either of them.
    Thinking of you and your family today. Especially your sweet twins Sophia and Ellie.
    I am glad that you could leave their roses and that you saw the butterfly. I wish they were with you. xo

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  5. The last time we went to see the boys there was a fresh grave two spots down. We gave one of the boys flowers and put them on the new babies grave.

    Breaks my heart.

    thinking of you and your sweet girls!

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  6. How lovely that the butterfly visited. It hurts my heart when I realize that for the rest of your life you will always be going there. By there I don't mean the cemetery, I mean the thoughts of what they would be doing, what their likes and dislikes would be or will someone ask me a question and make me cry. The journey you have been given is a long one and I am so sorry.
    I pray for your strenght and comfort.

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  7. My heart breaks for you. I hope the time away this weekend leaves you feeling refreshed.

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  8. Being OK on the outside to others and holding back the tears takes so much energy. I hope your weekend away with your husband gives you a renewed sense of strength.

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  9. I know, Tina. I know.
    I feel that way even when family asks how I am. Are they just making conversation? Do they really want the truth. I don't think so. We visited our girls too, today. I've been thinking about all of those things, too. What possessed us to go into babies r us today for a 2nd car seat for the little man who's heading off to preschool is beyond me. That was a mistake. But I was thinking all those same things, seeing the babies, and ready-to-pop pregnant women. At least I don't feel that horrible jealousy I felt in the beginning. I hated feeling like that.weather was as nice for you when you visited them as is was for us. Just for a moment, I felt like they were shining down on me from up in that very blue sky, ready to grab their balloons.
    Thinking of you, and wishing you peace.

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  10. I like how you said, "it comforts me to know you are out there." Because it does me, too. We all live in this virtual world and choose to because it seems to comfort us so much more than the real world that HAVE to live in. I am sorry there were so many triggers for you. You are so brave for your girls--I know they love the flowers. Enjoy your weekend.
    Christy

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  11. gee Tina...I can understand that shopping experience. It was like that at the Framers when I got the boys birth certificates & Carly's pics 'done'- they were raving over the pics and what a lovely idea it was- and then the Q.. " how many weeks are they now?" "ummm....uh- they were stillborn...this is a surprise for their daddy on Father's day" A father's day that all day I was mad about- mad because it wasn't how it should be, we shouldn't have been out and about all wknd- we should have been looking after our boys or visitng them in hospital....

    but this is not about me- sorry....my heart aches for you- for what this weekend was for you. I wish like crazy you could have bought some super early christmas gifts for them friend, I really do.
    love me

    ps sometimes I am so tempted to tell ppl at the checkouts how I really am. I mean really- do you want to know? bets- not!

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  12. The constant reminders of what could have been (*should have been*)are overwhelming. You have written it so well. They are everywhere...

    I am so sorry you are having to live your girls' due date with empty arms. Praying that you get comfort and hope this weekend, Tina. xxx

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  13. I'm sorry that you were picking up flowers instead of diapers. Reminders are everywhere and they can be hard. I'm thinking of you.

    How wonderful that a butterfly came and landed on the flowers. A sweet little message!!

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  14. What a beautiful post, and I cannot even begin to explain how easily I can relate and how much I wish we didn't have to do this, to live like this. I can't bring myself to go shopping right now because of the baby halloween costumes that are out-it just makes me sooooo ridiculously sad. I am also constantly on alert with clerks-works-etc. for them asking me something and me not being ready....it's like I live in constant fear!
    I am so sorry, Tina. I'll be thinking of you.

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  15. Tina, I am thinking of you and your little girls. many hugs your way.

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  16. Definitely out here, thinking of you all. The pink roses sound perfect. Your girls clearly approved too, what with the butterfly and all :) ((Hugs))

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  17. Thinking of your beautiful girls this weekend.

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  18. Thinking of you sweetheart xoxo Nan

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  19. Tina,

    I hope your EDD went by as best as it could. I think of you and your girls often. I am only a few hours away, if you ever want to get away for the weekend you are always welcome. Oh...check out my last blog. Your name (and girls) are first in line :)

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  20. Thinking of you. What a hard thing to have to shop for. I actually wish we had a real grave somewhere for Zachary so I could do that sort of thing, pick up something tangible. We put his ashes in the ocean, though, and so all I can really do is go back there and dip my toe in and feel the seaweedy coldness.

    Interesting, how events do change our definitions of things, like the word "emergency." I think that's really true; our experience changes how we perceive reality on all kinds of levels, including vocabulary words.

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  21. Praying for you as your EDD passes. I do believe that butterfly was sent just for you.

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  22. I stumbled across your blog and was so drawn into your story, partially because of so many similarities to mine... but also because of the immediate feeling of being able to relate to so many of your experiences and feelings.

    We've had a long struggle with starting our family. Miscarriage, years of unexplained infertility, failed adoptions, then last year we finally were blessed with a miraculous pregnancy - identical twin daughters. Unfortunately we discovered they were suffering from TTTS at our 18 week appointment. We tried to fix the problem with laser surgery, but it only bought them a little more time. We named them Elliana and Emmaline, but intended on calling them Elli and Emma. Elli lived for an hour and Emma was stillborn. They were born on July 16, 2008.

    It has been a long road of grief, and while the burden of pain gets a little easier to bear, it's always there. I think we just become stronger and more able to figure out how to live with a heavy heart. I just wanted to let you know how connected I felt to your words and your story. I'm so sorry for your losses and for your pain. I'm grateful, though, for your courage in sharing it here. You have helped me today.

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