Yesterday I was reading the story Stell.aluna to my students. For those of you who may not be familiar with this story here is a quick synopsis:
A mother fruit bat has a baby who she loves so much, she names her Stell.aluna. The mother is flying through the night sky with her baby and along cones an owl and flies into them. Mother can not hold onto Stell.aluna and she falls below. However, Stell.aluna didn't fall to the ground, she fell into a bird's nest with 3 baby birds. The mother bird allows Stell.aluna to stay and treats her like the rest of her babies. A while later, after Stell.aluna has grown a bit, she meets some other bats. After hearing her story, one of the bats realized that Stell.aluna is her baby that she thought she lost when the owl attacked. Mother and baby are reunited and live happily ever after...yada, yada, yada.
So anyway, I am reading this story and it hits me. Mother fruit bat is reunited with her baby. She wasn't gone forever like my girls are. I will not find them two months from now or two years from now. I hope we will be reunited when my time here is over, but I have to live my life here on Earth without my girls. It took everything I had in me not to run out of the room. I had to hold my tears back and keep my voice from cracking. It as very difficult and brought up a lot of emotions for me.
Today I am home with Emma because she is sick again. I left the movie Stell.aluna for the sub to show to my students so I do not have to relive that story again. I just don' think I could do it. I am happy for mother fruit bat and Stell.aluna, but just still so sad for myself and my girls...and all of you out there who understand.
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I remember
16 hours ago
We all grew up with stories that had happy endings....little did we know that all stories do not end in the happily ever after. Hugsssss.
ReplyDeleteI used to have dreams all the time that I would walke up one morning and find the grils happy and healthy in their cribs! But like you said not all endings are happy, even thought we wish they were!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you!
Oh Tina, I'm sorry you had to go through that. It's terrible when the grief hits you square in the face when you are that exposed and have to function. Well done! And I wish it was different. I'm sad with you for Ellie and Sophia and Fionn and all the other mums and lost babies.
ReplyDeleteOh Tina. It is so awful when things catch you out unexpectedly isn't it. I often find my voice cracking when I'm just reading stories to J, let alone in front of a class. You did so well to keep going.
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard to accept, that we will never see our children again. In this life anyhow. I think that part of me is like the mama fruitbat, I'll always be spying out other bird's nests. Just checking that she isn't there. I think I'll probably always still look for her, even though I know she is gone.
I'm sad with you Tina, I'm so sorry that your Sophia and Ellie are not here with you. Hope Emma feels better soon. xo
Tina,
ReplyDeleteI am glad you were able to stay home today. A little something for you and your girls. Finally I was able to release some females...let me know what you want written under their pictures and I will add it.
http://tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com/2009/10/sophia-and-ellie.html
Hope that Emma is feeling better soon. Lots of hugs to you. You are in my prayers and I want you to know that I do care about you, your loss and your heart.
ReplyDeleteUGH...I can feel your frustration and anxiety. So sorry sweetie. You will feel better days soon. Glad you took a day off. And by the way, the butterflies Rachel released for you and your girls are gorgeous! Hugs, Nan
ReplyDeleteI hope Emma gets feeling better. Lots of hugs to you today. I saw the butterflies that were released for your girls. They are beautiful!
ReplyDeleteHow hard to have to get through that in front of a room filled with kids. You're just amazing - and I'm so sorry that the twins' story doesn't go on here on Earth - it's so hard when it hits us over and over in new ways.
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard when something hits you like that when you arent expecting it too. Some one that i know lost his wife and baby at the same time and he was telling me that not long after he bought finding nemo for his daughter to watch and it hit him so hard because of the opening scene when the mum and eggs all but one egg dies.
ReplyDeleteI wish we could all have out babies back.
I hope that emma feel better soon.
xxx
So sorry you had to go through that today. I often wonder how is it that so many things relate to me? It's so hard to socialize anymore because of this. There are few topics, that I can discuss that does not relate somehow to what I have gone through and am going through, and usually I don't want to talk about them anyway. I am a completely different person--we are, who are on this journey--and I can't experience things the same as I used to.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. Hope Emma feels better soon. I hate the kids getting sick.
xxxooo
Oh Tina....wow- you did so well to stay with your class- I can really feel that fight in you to run.
ReplyDeleteI ran the other day ( we were at a funeral- and I fought and fought and then just couldn't take any more)...
Thinking of you and hoping Miss Emma gets better soon.
Wishing life was oh so different for us all.
xx
Before I resigned for bedrest, I was a librarian. I cant tell you how many stories I read to kids that brought me to the edge of tears. I'd have to retreat into my office or the bathroom and just break down. It hurt so much at times.
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs...
Its amazing how many things we find all around us that can somehow relate to the loss of our babies or something to remind us of our babies. Whether its a story, a movie, a song or a poem. All beautiful, but sometimes more painful reminding us that we can not have the same outcome.
ReplyDeleteI can especially imagine that story must have been painful. *hugs* I hope Emma feels better soon.
I wish we all could have happy endings too.
ReplyDeletehi, I followed a link to this blog from "Moments of Pause". Just wanted to say hello and to offer my condolences for the loss of your beautiful babies. I, too, am a bereaved mommy.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you!!! I know how hard it is when you have a class full of students and all you want to do is cry- or take a time out and think about what is going on- why we are where we are and how to get out of it!!!
ReplyDeleteSending hugs!
Laura D.
Thinking of you. Hope your Emma is on the mend soon. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI'm always surprised by the things that bring up these emotions. I'm so sorry :(
ReplyDeleteUgh, thinking of you. Sounds like a not-fun thing to go through. Like Bluebird says, it always surprises me the things that can trigger emotion...but on the other hand, I don't think it really surprises me anymore. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteyou know, i work with school age children now and didn't realize how hard it would be. i didn't realize all the opportunities i'd have to feel my heart drop into my stomach. i thought i'd be okay, because they weren't babies, toddlers or pregnant women..... but i want to run out of the room sometimes too.
ReplyDeletei've had several dreams that Leila came back to life after weeks or months. it's so heartbreaking to wake up and know it'll never happen.
XO