Secrets

Hutch and I returned from the beach on Monday and things have been crazy busy ever since, so I haven't had time to write about our time away. Our trip was nice and quiet. We really didn't do much of anything. We didn't have anything planned, but I just wanted to be away. I wanted to be able to talk about Sophia & Ellie without interruptions or questions, I wanted to just be alone with my thoughts, I wanted to get a massage, I wanted to go for walks on the beach and just look at the waves, I wanted to talk about what our future held. Our trip was very quiet, but these "plans" I had were interrupted.

You see, I had been keeping a secret, only for a few days, but still a secret from everyone. Hutch & I were the only ones who knew. Here it is...I was pregnant. Tuesday, September 1st, I got a positive on my pregnancy test. Wednesday morning we confirmed the positive with a blood test. Our time at the beach was for our girls, but also to talk about this new life we had created.

Friday, the day we arrived, I started spotting. Not much at first, but then by that evening I was bleeding. So you see, on my girls' due date, on labor day weekend, I lost my 8th baby, our 6th loss. We found out on Tuesday, and by Friday it was gone, the hope was gone.

My heart is hurting, but not so much for this baby as for my girls because if they were here, I would not be doing this again. If they were here, I would be happy and carefree and not this sad person that I am. I know that may sound callus, and I am sad for this baby that will never be, I hope he or she has joined their siblings, all 5 of them, in the stars. But I did not let myself get too hopeful with this pregnancy. I had an appointment set up with by OB, Dr. U, on Wednesday and was anxious to see what she said. We were trying to stay positive, but when you have had so many shitty things happen to you, it is hard to be positive. But we were trying, and with that brings hope. I had marked on my calender the 40 weeks of this pregnancy. Why did I do that? Oh yeah, because I was trying to stay positive.

So, Saturday morning we did not get up and go for a walk on the beach. We got up and walked into the ER where I was told to stay on bed rest. We took it easy, but I knew this life was gone, the baby would not be, so we still managed to go out here and there. The weekend was definitely not what I was hoping for, losing another baby has really brought us down. Not so much in the sense that we are devastated because of the loss, like I said, we were trying to be positive, but were realistic with the possibilities. But I just felt like this put more on our plates. It gave us another thing to deal with. Quite frankly, I do not need anything else to deal with. Maybe I need to let the higher powers of this universe in on that. So to you higher powers, "My plate is full, in fact it is overflowing, DO NOT put anything else on it or it will break...I will break. I need a break..."

Anyway, I am not sure if any of what I just wrote makes sense at all, but I am sure some of you understand what I am saying.

On a lighter note, I received a very special package yesterday. On our last trip to the beach we visited a gallery that makes hand prints in ceramic. We had Brady's and Emma's done and I wanted one for the girls too. The owners Hedy & Ross were so wonderful to work with and they created the perfect piece to help us remember our girls. Here is a picture, I will post another once I hang it with the others.

A very dear friend of mine had some flowers made for Sophia & Ellie. I wanted something to put in the yard that I don't have to worry about. I am not very good at remembering to water things...She brought me these when we returned from our trip. The fronts have Sophia's & Ellie's names and the backs say, "Forever in our hearts, sweet angel baby. 4-25-09" They are perfect and I will find the perfect spot for them. Thanks Jen!!!



Also, I want to say thank you to those of you who lent me so much support last weekend. Getting through Sophia's and Ellie's due date was difficult for me on many levels. I received several e-mails, texts, and fb messages from IRL friends/family and I received many comments with words of encouragement from you who read my blog. Thank you to all of you. I could not do this without your love and support.