Tuesday, January 26, 2010

9 months

Yesterday was 9 months since Sophia's & Ellie's death. How can it be that they have been gone for so long? How is it that I have managed to get up and still breathe everyday? It all feels so new still, but also so old. Yesterday morning was very difficult, I didn't know if I would make it through class, but I did, the distractions (20 second graders) got me through it.

Missing you sweet girls. I love you. xoxo

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Hutch's grandma was taken to the hospital by ambulance this evening. They believe she has suffered a stroke. She is in surgery with a 50% chance of survival. Her conditions, if she does survive, are questionable at this point. Hutch's grandpa, who is the happiest, most jovial man around, is having a difficult time as you can imagine.

Hutch's grandma has told him before that she has a connection to our girls. He is at the hospital right now with his family. I want to be there too...I do not want her to die, and I do not want to her die before I have the chance to talk to her. I know that sounds very selfish, but I need to tell her to take care of my girls, to find them and be with them until I can be there myself. I don't know how it all works up there, but this is the best case I can think of for now.

Update: She has made it through surgery and her chances of survival have increased since she did make it through. Hopefully I will not feel as if I have to tell her my thoughts above. I know her husband and the rest of the family are not ready to let go of her, and neither am I.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


Thank you so much for all your kind words and support after my last post. Hearing that I wasn't being irrational and my feelings were normal was a big relief to me. My sil e-mailed me yesterday to ask if she had done something to upset me. (Her timimg makes me wonder if she is reading, but I don't think so...that would be too obvious!) It was a very sweet message where she expressed not wanting to hurt me any further with her news. I knew this was the case and explained to her (the best I could) that pregnancies in general are hard for me to cope with (you all know that even my own has been difficult for me to accept) and that I was a little hurt that she didn't come to me with her news. I also told her that I don't expect other people to understand what would be best for me and that sometimes I don't even know! So everything is fine, I feel much better and I think she does too. Thanks again...I don't know what I would do without all of you out there and I am glad that I don't have to know. xx

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Update (another long one...sorry!)

Sigh...can you hear my relief to be off of work for THREE whole days??? Things have been crazy around here and I have been in a major funk. I haven't had a chance to write or update anything here. I have been reading, but don't always have time to comment on your posts. So one of my goals for this weekend is to CATCH UP!!!

First off...this pregnancy. It is so different for me this time around. I don't have the excitement and happiness that I have always had before, even with the last one (the m/c in Sept.) I really think in the beginning it was my mind's way of protecting itself. I felt totally disconnected and almost in denial in a way. I took a hpt in early October. Just one line showed up so I threw it in the trash. Then a while later, I though I should take another look at it because I am never patient enough to wait the whole three minutes! I looked and there was a second faint pink line. I went in for a blood test and it came back borderline. So you see, I have been doubtful from the beginning. I had to wait over the weekend to go back in for another blood test. This time it came back positive, but I had to keep going back weekly until the levels reached a certain point. Then we went in for an u/s. There is was; my flittering piece of rice. I wondered were the other baby was, I was really hoping for twins again, knowing the chances were so very slim and also knowing another set of twins COULD NEVER replace Sophia & Ellie, but still holding on to wanting that experience. Anyway...just one.

I have been being monitored closely by my OB. She is kind of throwing everything at me because we are not sure what caused the preterm labor with the girls. I guess I am okay with that; I don't know, I wish I were more informed, but what can I do? My thoughts are, if I didn't do the things she is recommending and I lost this baby too, I would fell soooo guilty. So I am going along with her plan.

At about 12 weeks, I had a cerclage. The cerclage went well. It was on a Monday and by Thursday I felt very normal. I went out to do a little shopping and suddenly felt a gush. I had been spotting, but this was way more than that. I called the dr and got in to see the nurse practitioner, the same one I saw a few times with the twins. She checked me and didn't say anything except, "I am going to send you down to u/s and to see Dr. U" (my OB.) This np always is very chatty and she scared me when she didn't say more than that. Hutch was out of town so I anxiously sat waiting to be squeezed in. I finally got in to u/s and there it was again...this time a peanut with a great hb. Still just one, but I felt a relief. Dr. checked everything and thought it was just a"scab" that had fallen off and after a couple hours the bleeding stopped altogether. After that scare I felt a little more connected, but still not "normal."

All along I haven't known my due date, haven't known how many weeks along I am, haven't known much...just disconnected. I debated whether to find out the gender. We always have in the past because I am impatient and need to plan, but I thought this will be our last baby and there will not be much need to plan for things this time. I will be waiting to do the nursery, but clothes, etc. But I needed to know. I need to know as much as I can so that I am not surprised by anything on the day I deliver this baby (yes I know what I said here, "when" not "if".) So we scheduled a 17 week gender check (this is when I finally realized my due date and how many weeks along I was.) When I first thought of having another baby I thought I would want a boy. I wanted Sophia & Ellie to be my last girls, but as the pregnancy developed my thought started to change, I don't know why, maybe it is because I have a prepubescent boy in the house ??? But regardless, I started thinking girl. So this is part of why I needed to know, I did not want to feel any disappointment when I deliver if it is a boy. I think I will be dealing with enough emotions when we get to that point and I don't want disappointment to be one if I can help it...I hope that doesn't sound terrible because I would welcome and love a baby boy just as much as a baby girl.

So my feelings of disconnect have lessened, but not completely. Very few people IRL know that I am even pregnant. My parents do and a handful of close friends, but that is it. No one in Hutch's family knows, my siblings don't know, and we just told our kids a couple weeks ago. I just have such weird feelings about it and I need to share them here to know if they are normal or not. Here are some reasons I don't really want to tell people:

I don't want people to think that this will make me all better. That this baby will replace my girls...that will never happen, there is no replacing them (you all know that why am I even writing it?) I don't want to hear all the happy baby/pregnancy talk. People have no idea what can go wrong at any point in a pg or afterward, they are ignorant to the fact that something can go wrong at any time. So I don't want to hear all their "well wishes' no matter how well intended they are.

Here is another thing that is really bothering me. My sil is pregnant. I don't know how far along she is or when she is due or any other details. No one has talked to me about this, Hutch's brother just nonchalantly mentioned it on the phone several weeks ago. This is the same sil that often thinks of my girls and bought the angel ornaments for them, so she is very thoughtful and sweet. But I just don't understand why she hasn't said anything to me. I feel like she could have at least said, look I know this may be hard for you, but here is what is going on. She is insightful and I think she would think this would bother me, but I just don't understand why everyone is ignoring it. She knows I know, she can't hide it, she is definitely showing. Her daughter told Emma at Christmas that her mommy had a baby in her tummy and we were all sitting right there, so I just don't get it. I know she probably is afraid of hurting me or doesn't know what to say, but ignoring it just pisses me off. I am happy for them and want everything to go well, but I am also angry, but have a hard time putting words as to why...

I started pro.gesterone shots 5 weeks ago to help prevent preterm labor. These hurt like hell. I also do a daily injection of Love.nox due to my clotting disorder and those are much easier to take. So all in all I feel like one great big pin cushion. who is in a major funk. I wonder if the pro.gesterone is contributing to this or if it is just normal pg hormones messing with me. Regardless, I have been very unhappy and have a hard time focusing on all the wonderful things I have in my life. I guess I just need to spend a little more time reflecting on all of those things and maybe I will feel better.

I had a very odd dream the other night. I was pg with this baby and went to the hospital to have her. I came home with an incision on my hiney (I don't know where that came from) and no baby. I didn't know why, if something happened to her or what, so I called the hospital and she was there, no big deal, just come in to pick her up. I went and got her and from what I remember everything seemed fine. I don't typically remember my dreams and it wasn't until about a month or so ago that my dreams included Sophia & Ellie, not a live version of them, just my reality, I was pg with them and they died. So I don't know, my dreams are usually very random to me, but this one screams out some of the fears I am having.

I am very hopeful and somewhat confident that this baby will be born alive and well. I definitely know the risks involved and all the things that can happen between now and delivery (or after), but I feel her moving everyday and it warms my heart. I have been feeling her movements for at least 4 weeks (at around 14-15 weeks.) I have never felt movement this early before and I like to think that maybe it is her way of telling me she is okay, she will be okay.

Anyway, thanks for listening to all of my ramblings. I would love to hear your thoughts to see if my feelings are normal or if I am just very bitchy!! ;)

Always loving you girls, mommy misses you and wishes I could just hold you one more time. xx