Yesterday was 7 months since Sophia & Ellie left us. It was a busy day for me. I didn't go to work because I had a few appointments. So in between taking the kids to school and my first appointment, I went out to the cemetery. I took the girls the most beautiful lavender roses (I know not very Thanksgivingish, but they reminded me of the spray that was on top of their casket.) On my way out there I kept thinking of all the things I should have picked up on, things I should have felt weren't right. I still harbor so much guilt for losing them; I know it's not my fault, but I still feel guilty...I should have known.
Last night we went to a friend's house for a little get together. Our school librarian "A" was there. A lost identical twin boys to TTTS 24 years ago. I found out about this after I lost the girls, but she had never spoken to me about it. Last night she brought it up and we talked for a while about our losses. She told me the hurt never goes away and that she too carries guilt with her. She said she heard a song on the radio a few weeks ago and it is one that she has always associated with her boys and she started crying. She said that when she sees twins still, it hurts. A has 5 other children (1 older than the twins and 4 younger) but she said none of them have ever filled the void from losing her boys. It was so nice to be able to talk to her, someone who knows what it feels like. I am sure my experience was very difficult for her, first me being pregnant with twins, then losing them; it couldn't have been easy even after all this time. I appreciate her talking to me last night, she is a good friend.
Today is Thanksgiving and I have so much to be thankful for. I sometimes forget all the blessings I have in my life. It is so easy for me to focus on the things I am missing, but I truly am fortunate. We are going to my parents house and will spend the day with my family. Holidays just aren't the same for me anymore. I used to wake up excited for the day's festivities, now I wake up thinking of my girls and not even realizing it is a holiday. I would love to skip this season altogether, but I have to get through it for Brady & Emma.
I hope you all have a wonderful day and are surrounded by good food, friends, family and peace. Don't forget to check back here tomorrow for the kickoff of 25 Days of Giveaways!!!
Happy Thanksgiving Sophia & Ellie. Mommy wishes you were her with us to celebrate your first turkey day. Know we will be thinking of you and missing you as always. xoxo
It's in his heart
15 hours ago