Yesterday was 7 months since Sophia & Ellie left us. It was a busy day for me. I didn't go to work because I had a few appointments. So in between taking the kids to school and my first appointment, I went out to the cemetery. I took the girls the most beautiful lavender roses (I know not very Thanksgivingish, but they reminded me of the spray that was on top of their casket.) On my way out there I kept thinking of all the things I should have picked up on, things I should have felt weren't right. I still harbor so much guilt for losing them; I know it's not my fault, but I still feel guilty...I should have known.
Last night we went to a friend's house for a little get together. Our school librarian "A" was there. A lost identical twin boys to TTTS 24 years ago. I found out about this after I lost the girls, but she had never spoken to me about it. Last night she brought it up and we talked for a while about our losses. She told me the hurt never goes away and that she too carries guilt with her. She said she heard a song on the radio a few weeks ago and it is one that she has always associated with her boys and she started crying. She said that when she sees twins still, it hurts. A has 5 other children (1 older than the twins and 4 younger) but she said none of them have ever filled the void from losing her boys. It was so nice to be able to talk to her, someone who knows what it feels like. I am sure my experience was very difficult for her, first me being pregnant with twins, then losing them; it couldn't have been easy even after all this time. I appreciate her talking to me last night, she is a good friend.
Today is Thanksgiving and I have so much to be thankful for. I sometimes forget all the blessings I have in my life. It is so easy for me to focus on the things I am missing, but I truly am fortunate. We are going to my parents house and will spend the day with my family. Holidays just aren't the same for me anymore. I used to wake up excited for the day's festivities, now I wake up thinking of my girls and not even realizing it is a holiday. I would love to skip this season altogether, but I have to get through it for Brady & Emma.
I hope you all have a wonderful day and are surrounded by good food, friends, family and peace. Don't forget to check back here tomorrow for the kickoff of 25 Days of Giveaways!!!
Happy Thanksgiving Sophia & Ellie. Mommy wishes you were her with us to celebrate your first turkey day. Know we will be thinking of you and missing you as always. xoxo
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I remember
10 hours ago
Happy Thanksgiving! I am continually amazed at the connection I have to women who have lost their children decades ago. My paternal grandmother had a stillborn child 60+ years ago that I just learned about after losing Oliver. This week I learned that we may have lost our babies for the same reason and I weeped for her all over again.
ReplyDeleteAmazing connections with baby lost moms. I know thanksgiving will be really hard on you. Hugsssssss
ReplyDeleteI pray that you have a beautiful day.
ReplyDeleteA is right... The hole is never filled. I miss Nicholas & Sophia and Alexander every single second of the day. Bobby and Maya cant replace them, nor would I want them too.
ReplyDeleteSending you big hugs. Happy Thanksgiving.
Wishing you a happy and peaceful Thanksgiving. HUGS!
ReplyDeleteWhile my husband watched football all day and my family laid passed out around my house I thought I would catch up on reading blogs. I've been so far behind. When I got to your blog I thought i'd just read a fe of your last entries and hope to catch on to your story. But I was locked in. I just kept reading and reading and reading.You have a wonderful story from what I've read so far and I look forward to following your blog. God bless you and happy thanksgivng
ReplyDelete- Stephanie
Vayden's Mommy
I still feel guilty too. I can't help thinking that I should have known.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for A's loss. I'm sure that it never, ever stops hurting. My heart can't help but ache a little at the sight of twins, because it reminds me of the hole in my own family. But I also have so much to be grateful for.
Wishing that your girls were with you for their first turkey day. I couldn't help smiling when I read those words, 'first turkey day', it is such a cute description. But then I started crying. I'm so sorry Tina. I really wish that Sophia and Ellie were here with you to celebrate the holidays. xo
I'm so sorry!! Yesterday was tough for me as well. I kept thinking how there should be a high chair or something around the table & everyone should be passing Mackenzie around while I help my mom with dinner. I wish things were different for all of us!
ReplyDelete((hugs))
The first holidays are the worst. Though the pain doesn't go away it does get easier. Especially with other little ones to focus on. Happy Thanksgiving! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI hope your day was special. Hugs@
ReplyDelete*hugs* I can imagine your pain. I hope you had a good Thanksgiving Day!!
ReplyDeleteHappy 7 Month Birthday Sophia and Ellie!! Send your mom some extra love during this holiday season so that she can feel your constant presence during a time for family.
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to have a friend that understands exactly. I'm glad you and A talked. Happy belated Thanksgiving and a sweet 7 months to your precious girls.
ReplyDeletean older lader approached me at the feast of the dead a few weeks ago and asked about my loss. she told me that she had lost her firstborn too, 40 years ago. she told me she remembers walking out of the hospital empty handed and asking her mother why the sun was shining.... and she told me that the missing and the hurting never stop, but as time goes on they aren't as sharp, and that i would get through this. some days i don't feel like i'm going to, but i have to believe that i will, that we all will.
ReplyDeletemuch love,
christy