Sigh...11 months. How can it already be 11 months? Where have the days gone? How have I managed to go on living this long? It all seems so vivid, like it just happened yesterday, but it has really been 11 months.
The days seemed to be getting easier for a while, but now I am overwhelmed with missing and longing for my girls. I don't know if it is hormones, or because I am not working and have more time to think, or if it is just where I am at in this so called process. Really it doesn't matter why. I am just very sad that Sophia & Ellie aren't here. That they aren't in our home. That we are unable to hold them and kiss them. Sad doesn’t really even begin to describe my feelings. I don’t think there are any words great enough, but I know you know what I mean,
I was driving home this morning and thinking about a room for the new baby. What I envisioned though while thinking of this room was two babies occupying the space. It took me a minute to realize that will never happen. That there will never be two babies in that room. Sophia & Ellie will never be physically present in our home and that realization breaks me. I still don’t understand why, I don’t think I ever will. It
tortures haunts me at times because it is all just so…unfair (you knew that word was coming!)
I’ve been trying to decide what to do next month for Sophia’s & Ellie’s 1st birthday. I’ve tried to think about what feels right; having a celebration of their lives with close friends and family, or just doing something by ourselves. However, I just can’t decide…I can’t figure out what feels right and that is just not me. Then it hit me…None of this feels right. None of this is right. This is not the way our lives should be. I think the only thing that would feel right would be celebrating our girls’ first birthday with them home with us. I know this will never happen though so I am still left with figuring out what to do. I don’t know why this is so hard for me…it doesn’t seem to be a problem for other people, but I really just can not decide.
I will be taking flowers to the cemetery this morning and will be doing it alone. Really though, sometimes I prefer it this way. I can let my guard down a little bit and just be there…just me and the girls. Tomorrow we are going to the beach for a few days. I think it will be good to get away and let the distractions take over my thoughts. Maybe I will have a moment of clarity and figure out what to do next month…I doubt it, but you never know!
Happy 11 months Sophia & Ellie. Mommy loves and misses you so very much. xoxo