Thursday, December 31, 2009

I will miss you 2009

I really thought I was ready to say good-bye to 2009. But as I sit here on the last day of this emotional year, I realize I am not. I feel like if I say goodbye to the year where my girls existed I will be saying goodbye to a part of them. I am grasping at anything I can to hold on to them, but what I want so badly is them. Both of my girls, in my arms, safe, and healthy. So although 2009 was very heartbreaking to me, I am choosing (trying to at least) to focus on the parts I loved.

I loved finding our I was pregnant (although this was actually on December 27, 2008.)

I loved that my parents were excited about having another baby around (I know this sounds ridiculous for someone my age, but my parents watched Emma when I worked and she started kindergarten this year so they were finally free!! However, when my dad found out he said, "Oh good, I was thinking it was going to be so lonely without Emma around, but I hated to ask you to have another baby just for me!")

I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED finding out we were having TWINS!!! That was the most amazing experience of my life I think!

I loved seeing my babies every time I went to the doctor!

I loved answering the question, "Is this your first baby?" (Now I don't like it so much!)

I loved discussing (aka arguing about) names for our new additions...we are terrible about choosing names and now we had to choose names for two babies!

I loved meeting, holding and kissing my beautiful girls...this was the saddest day of my life, but I still loved meeting my twins.

I loved all of the pictures and reminders I received of Sophia & Ellie including their names in the sand, on flowers, on leaves, on jewelry, on ornaments, etc.

I loved making the very special virtual friends I have made here and learning about how special one IRL friend truly is to know who you are L!!

And today, the last day of 2009, I loved finding out that I am carrying Sophia's & Ellie's baby sister.

Hoping 2010 is full of things I love!!!


  1. A beautiful post. Beautiful memories and looks like you are VERY busy creating new ones. Congratulations and BIG bear hugs xxxx

  2. What a great way to end this year. A bittersweet year indeed. Happy new year to you.

  3. Tina, I feel like we are living parallel lives. I remember that at this time last year, I was thinking ALL the things you are thinking fact, I wrote a blog post about it! 2009 did bring better days for my family than 2008, and I did have a rainbow baby girl the year after my identical girls, Vivian and Annemarie, went to heaven. but of course, i STILL miss vivian and annemarie, and mourn their passing.

    the day i found out i was having twins (it was a big surprise at the ultrasound) was also the most amazing experience of my life. we also argued about names- that was fun! i also loved seeing them on the ultrasound everytime i went to the doctor. i also loved talking about my pregnancy to anyone and everyone.

    Yesterday you asked me how my girls were diagnosed, and here is the short story (i should probably do a longer blog post about it at some point)...

    basically, at the ultrasound at the peri's office where they had found out both had passed away, one twin had no fluid (looked shrink wrapped) and the other had lots of fluid. that's when the peri said, "this is definitely ttts." then i went to my regular ob to meet with him, he did an u/s, and he saw that one twin had no fluid, and the other had lots, and he said, "this is definitely ttts."


    then when i delivered, it was really obvious. one of the biggest signs of ttts is that one twin will be dark and the other will be extremely pale. this was our experience, as well.

    i am so sorry that sophie and ellie are not here with you to ring in the new year. thinking of you. (((hugs)))


  4. Oh, Tina! :) I know this has been a very difficult year for you. I so wish I could make it easier for you...I certainly try, but I know I can't give you want you really're sweet Sophia and Ellie.
    But I do hope you know that they really are with you and want you to be the sweet, happy person that you are.
    You are so kind, creative and generous...just look at the huge 25 or was it 29 day giveaway...that was just amazing! I'm so proud of you! we are in a new year...a new decade...ready to see what comes our way. (I sure wish job sharing would be in our very near future!!) I am soooo excited about your big news AND that it's a girl. Yippee!!
    I'm so glad I get to be your IRL friend! :)
    Love you,

  5. xo what a beautiful way to ring in the new year. much love.

  6. Wishing you lots of love in 2010! xo

  7. Congrats on on your new baby girl :) Your post is very inspring to me. I rang in the new year just completely depressed because I lost my baby girl in February of this year. I should have just been thinkng of the positive facts like when I first discovered I was pregnant( in oct 08), when I first got to hear her heartbeat, when I first saw her on the ultrasound, when I felt her first kick, when I was told we were have another little girl, although that was also the same moment when they told us she was dying. I feel very fortunate that I was able to hold her even though she already passed away.

    So thank you for helping me realize the positives and good luck to you with your next baby girl :)

  8. I had to read that last one a couple of times before it finally sunk in!

    I'm so pleased for you Tina. A little sister for Brady, Emma, Sophia and Ellie! Wow! xo

  9. And we all love you too! *hugs*

  10. I thought I was ready until midnight was just a few minutes away and then it hit me that the year that I knew my daughter would be "last year". I cried and cried and cried. I tried to remember that time isn't what it is here in Heaven.

    but on another note... CONGRATULATIONS!!! I am so happy for you!! And how sweet, a baby girl :) I can't wait to read more about this rainbow!


  11. Congratulations on your exciting news! 2009 has been quite a year for so many of us. Thanks again for organizing the giveaway - I hope that you are willing to do so again next year - I am already looking forward to it. I am looking forward to hearing more about Sophia and Ellie's little sister...

  12. I love that you have those beautiful memories of Sophia and Ellie. I feel the same way about 2009 being over. I hate that I'm getting further and further away from the little time I had with her. Congratulations, Tina. I'm so elated to hear you are carrying a baby girl. Wishing peace for all of us this year.

  13. That's how I felt about 2008. it was so hard to say goodbye to a year that held our babies.

  14. Tina, this is great news. *huge hugs* what a great way to ring in the new year. Your girls will be watching over their sister.

  15. Much love to you Tina. I have tears in my eyes....happy sad happy sad. That's how it goes doesn't it. Wishing you well xxxxx

  16. Oh honey - crying tears of joy for you!!!! I'm so sorry S & E aren't here with you, but huge congrats on their baby sister. ((Hugs))

  17. Reading your post- I felt I could have written in myself!!!! (except no more babes for me! ;-)

    Wishing you so many, many blessings in this new year! I'm sure that there will be many with such beautiful angels watching from heaven as their mom continues to heal and grow and fall in love all over again with a new blessing!

    Huge Hugs!

  18. Congrats on the rainbow baby! I'm expecting mine in February. And, love the idea of the best parts of 2009. I may do a post like that on my blog. Hope that is okay...

  19. I'm glad you focused on things that you loved about the year. Wishing you great things in 2010

  20. What happy news to start 2010 with, Tina. I'm so happy that you're carrying a little sister for *all* your children. With you on the bittersweet/conflicted farewell to 2009. xo

  21. Congratulations!! Much love to you in this new year!

  22. I completely understand what you mean when you say that you feel like you're saying goodbye to a part of you girls, as the year they were with you passes. I lost my son Everett in December 2007, and remember feeling like every day that past took me further away from him and the time I had with him.

    Congrats on your new baby girl, how wonderful for you and your family.

    All the best in the new year!

  23. I was making sure that I hadn't missed anything since I have been gone from blog world. I am so glad to hear that your Rainbow baby is on her way. Hoping that 2010 brings you more happiness.

  24. Congratulations Tina! I read your post on Rachel's blog and was like-WHAT?!?! I must've missed this post as I haven't been on as much as usual. Wishing you and your rainbow baby all the best. Take care of yourself!

  25. Congratulations!!!! (sorry i am so very late, as usual...) i am so excited for you!
    lots of love,