It may be long, but at least the font is big!!

I can't believe I have gone over 2 weeks without posting!! I have been trying to read all the blogs I follow when I can, but there are just not enough hours in the day! Emma & I were sick for 2 weeks, h1n1...not fun! Going back to work after missing 9 days meant a lot of catching up to do. Not to mention my house was left is a state of disaster! So, today is Veteran's Day and I am enjoying a day off...remembering what it is like to not have to work Monday-Friday and having days off during the week..."big sigh." So here is my long post pf catching up. Please remember as you are reading that yes it may be long in length, but at least the font is big!!

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A few days before Halloween was the kids' school carnival. Emma was doing the oh so fun Cake Walk as Hutch & I stood and watched her number not get called time and time again. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a stroller with a pink blanket draped over it. When I looked again it was actually a double stroller with two pink blankets. I just don't understand it. I didn't know who the family was, so I don't know their story, but I don't get why we didn't get to bring home our girls. I just wish I had answers.

Halloween began as any other day. I was not feeling particularly upset or happy, just kind of going through the motions. We went to a friend's house for dinner and to take the kids trick-or-treating. As we were walking it just didn't feel right. Hutch asked me what was wrong and I told him I should be pushing a stroller right now. It is so hard to enjoy these activities and holidays when our family is not altogether.

Emma was an angel for Halloween. I don't know if that seems weird to people or not. I wonder if some think it was my decision because I can't move past losing the girls. No one has said anything to me and really if that is what someone is thinking it doesn't matter. I mentioned to Emma a few months ago that she could be an angel. She liked the idea right away and stuck with it. Normally she changes her mind every hour, but not this time. I think for her it may have been a way to connect to her sisters. She did mention at the last minute that she wished she could have been a cheerleader, but oh well...she is 5! Here are a couple of pics:

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Emma was asked in class the other day what she was thankful for. Her reply was," For God giving me sisters." She too doesn't understand why they can't be with us. I feel badly for her that at such a young age, death is a reality to her. She gets upset and worries about me dying. This is something that has bothered her before I even was pregnant with Sophia & Ellie, so I know their deaths are not the cause for all her fears. However, I can no longer say, "Don't worry mommy is not going to die." I can't lie to her when she knows that people do die, old and young, age doesn't matter. I try to console her and tell her that everyone has to die at some point and that is why we have to make the best of each day that we have with each other. I don't know if these are the right words, but it is all I have right now.

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On Saturday the cemetery where the girls are buried had a Baby Memorial Service. We did not receive an invitation or anything in the mail. Hutch happened to see it in the newspaper and showed me. I called and spoke to someone about the service. I wanted to know if we needed to RSVP or give them our babies names or any other information. She informed me that they did not need anything from us. It was just a ceremony to honor the lives of all babies who had left too soon. She said that it seems to bring much comfort to people who did not bury their babies or who had miscarriages. I explained to her that we were able to spend time with our girls and they are buried there. I asked her if it was something that was more geared towards people who did not have that opportunity. She said it was meant for anyone who had lost a baby, but I still wasn't sure.

By Saturday morning my stress level was at a max. I was so overwhelmed with all I had to do at home on top of still trying to get caught up at work. We decided to go to the service. As we walked in I saw a lady outside crying. I thought about going and hugging her, but I thought it might be odd, so I didn't. I wasn't emotional at this point. However, once we walked through the doors, the tear came. I couldn't stop crying throughout the entire service. I had not cried like that in a very long while. I tear up almost everyday, but I was on the verge of sobbing a couple time. I must have been quite a sight! But it felt good. I have felt so much better since that day. We had the kids with us and Emma kept telling Hutch that she couldn't make me stop crying. She was trying her hardest with all her hugs and kisses, but nothing she did worked. Hutch just told her that it was okay. He also shed a tear or two. On our way out of the chapel Brady stopped to give me a big hug. My children really are so sweet.

It was a super emotional day and I was exhausted, but I felt so much better after letting it all out. Sometimes that is just so hard for me to do. I don't know why. I think maybe it is because I don't like to feel like I am burdening others with my pain. I wish I knew how to make it different.

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The other teacher with whom I shared a due date returned to work on Monday. I haven't really spoken to her since she had her baby girl. It has been hard for me to find the right words to say. After school I went into her room and asked her how her first day back was. I offered her the formula samples I keep getting in the mail. She asked how I was doing. I told her it was hard. I have good and bad days, good moments and bad moments. I told her that I didn't want her to feel as if she couldn't talk about her daughter if I was around. It might sting a little bit, but this is her new baby and I don't think it is fair that she doesn't get to share all her stories just to spare my feelings. She was very understanding. She has had a few miscarriages and understands how it can be hurtful. But she also said that she can't comprehend the pain I live with. I am glad I went to chat with her. I was hesitant to do so, but I think it was probably good for both of us.

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A dear friend IRL today sent me a message today saying she found my blog. (Insert silence here.) In her message she said how wonderful she thought it was and that she thinks it is great that I have found this space to share my feelings and so on. It is a very weird feeling to know that someone who really knows me has read this. I can't put it into words, but you probably know what I mean. I think it might goes back to two paragraphs up. I have a hard time expressing my feelings, but here I just write what I feel and if someone leaves me a comment, that is great, if not, I still have gotten that emotion out of my head.

I asked her not to share this with anyone, I am not ready to go public yet. I invited her to keep reading and I truly won't mind if she does I think just knowing she might is what makes it okay. I suspect that there are a few others out there who know me IRL that are reading too, but I don't know who. I don't know why it matters, but it does. However, this is my space and I am going to write what I need to write. That is why I started this blog, it is a space for to write and hopefully heal.

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Again, I am sorry for such a long post, but like I said...at least the font was big!!!!