Wednesday, November 11, 2009

It may be long, but at least the font is big!!

I can't believe I have gone over 2 weeks without posting!! I have been trying to read all the blogs I follow when I can, but there are just not enough hours in the day! Emma & I were sick for 2 weeks, h1n1...not fun! Going back to work after missing 9 days meant a lot of catching up to do. Not to mention my house was left is a state of disaster! So, today is Veteran's Day and I am enjoying a day off...remembering what it is like to not have to work Monday-Friday and having days off during the week..."big sigh." So here is my long post pf catching up. Please remember as you are reading that yes it may be long in length, but at least the font is big!!

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A few days before Halloween was the kids' school carnival. Emma was doing the oh so fun Cake Walk as Hutch & I stood and watched her number not get called time and time again. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a stroller with a pink blanket draped over it. When I looked again it was actually a double stroller with two pink blankets. I just don't understand it. I didn't know who the family was, so I don't know their story, but I don't get why we didn't get to bring home our girls. I just wish I had answers.

Halloween began as any other day. I was not feeling particularly upset or happy, just kind of going through the motions. We went to a friend's house for dinner and to take the kids trick-or-treating. As we were walking it just didn't feel right. Hutch asked me what was wrong and I told him I should be pushing a stroller right now. It is so hard to enjoy these activities and holidays when our family is not altogether.

Emma was an angel for Halloween. I don't know if that seems weird to people or not. I wonder if some think it was my decision because I can't move past losing the girls. No one has said anything to me and really if that is what someone is thinking it doesn't matter. I mentioned to Emma a few months ago that she could be an angel. She liked the idea right away and stuck with it. Normally she changes her mind every hour, but not this time. I think for her it may have been a way to connect to her sisters. She did mention at the last minute that she wished she could have been a cheerleader, but oh well...she is 5! Here are a couple of pics:











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Emma was asked in class the other day what she was thankful for. Her reply was," For God giving me sisters." She too doesn't understand why they can't be with us. I feel badly for her that at such a young age, death is a reality to her. She gets upset and worries about me dying. This is something that has bothered her before I even was pregnant with Sophia & Ellie, so I know their deaths are not the cause for all her fears. However, I can no longer say, "Don't worry mommy is not going to die." I can't lie to her when she knows that people do die, old and young, age doesn't matter. I try to console her and tell her that everyone has to die at some point and that is why we have to make the best of each day that we have with each other. I don't know if these are the right words, but it is all I have right now.

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On Saturday the cemetery where the girls are buried had a Baby Memorial Service. We did not receive an invitation or anything in the mail. Hutch happened to see it in the newspaper and showed me. I called and spoke to someone about the service. I wanted to know if we needed to RSVP or give them our babies names or any other information. She informed me that they did not need anything from us. It was just a ceremony to honor the lives of all babies who had left too soon. She said that it seems to bring much comfort to people who did not bury their babies or who had miscarriages. I explained to her that we were able to spend time with our girls and they are buried there. I asked her if it was something that was more geared towards people who did not have that opportunity. She said it was meant for anyone who had lost a baby, but I still wasn't sure.

By Saturday morning my stress level was at a max. I was so overwhelmed with all I had to do at home on top of still trying to get caught up at work. We decided to go to the service. As we walked in I saw a lady outside crying. I thought about going and hugging her, but I thought it might be odd, so I didn't. I wasn't emotional at this point. However, once we walked through the doors, the tear came. I couldn't stop crying throughout the entire service. I had not cried like that in a very long while. I tear up almost everyday, but I was on the verge of sobbing a couple time. I must have been quite a sight! But it felt good. I have felt so much better since that day. We had the kids with us and Emma kept telling Hutch that she couldn't make me stop crying. She was trying her hardest with all her hugs and kisses, but nothing she did worked. Hutch just told her that it was okay. He also shed a tear or two. On our way out of the chapel Brady stopped to give me a big hug. My children really are so sweet.

It was a super emotional day and I was exhausted, but I felt so much better after letting it all out. Sometimes that is just so hard for me to do. I don't know why. I think maybe it is because I don't like to feel like I am burdening others with my pain. I wish I knew how to make it different.

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The other teacher with whom I shared a due date returned to work on Monday. I haven't really spoken to her since she had her baby girl. It has been hard for me to find the right words to say. After school I went into her room and asked her how her first day back was. I offered her the formula samples I keep getting in the mail. She asked how I was doing. I told her it was hard. I have good and bad days, good moments and bad moments. I told her that I didn't want her to feel as if she couldn't talk about her daughter if I was around. It might sting a little bit, but this is her new baby and I don't think it is fair that she doesn't get to share all her stories just to spare my feelings. She was very understanding. She has had a few miscarriages and understands how it can be hurtful. But she also said that she can't comprehend the pain I live with. I am glad I went to chat with her. I was hesitant to do so, but I think it was probably good for both of us.

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A dear friend IRL today sent me a message today saying she found my blog. (Insert silence here.) In her message she said how wonderful she thought it was and that she thinks it is great that I have found this space to share my feelings and so on. It is a very weird feeling to know that someone who really knows me has read this. I can't put it into words, but you probably know what I mean. I think it might goes back to two paragraphs up. I have a hard time expressing my feelings, but here I just write what I feel and if someone leaves me a comment, that is great, if not, I still have gotten that emotion out of my head.

I asked her not to share this with anyone, I am not ready to go public yet. I invited her to keep reading and I truly won't mind if she does I think just knowing she might is what makes it okay. I suspect that there are a few others out there who know me IRL that are reading too, but I don't know who. I don't know why it matters, but it does. However, this is my space and I am going to write what I need to write. That is why I started this blog, it is a space for to write and hopefully heal.

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Again, I am sorry for such a long post, but like I said...at least the font was big!!!!

23 comments:

  1. I think October has a way of flying by so quickly some how! Glad that you and Emma are feeling better! And as for the IRL friends, I feel the same way, it is strange really but some how it feels like an invasion of your own private space to express your feelings!
    Thinking of you!

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  2. Hi Tina. I'm glad you and Emma are feeling better as you both are recovering from the H1N1. Emma looks like a doll in her angel costume, did you make it yourself? Rergardless, it's a beautiful costume! I understand how you feel about going public with this blog. I don't think I would feel comfortable if any of my family and friends read mine. It's the only place I can truly vent and speak my mind without any limitations.

    Glad to hear from you again!
    <3, Lianne

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  3. Happy to hear from you!

    Wow! There is much in your post I want to respond to - I don't even know where to start.

    I'm glad that you and Emma are feeling better - we've been passing a cold or something around our house too...

    I think the angel costume is wonderful. It's wonderful that Emma feels a connection to the twins.

    You showed amazing strenght and courage to talk to the other eacher who shared your due date! WOW - I don't know if I could have done that.

    I've had my blog go publuc too - it was strange for me too. Because it is a "private" space to express emotions and thoughts that would be hard to say IRL.

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  4. Honey, I have a river of tears flowing, first from seeing your beautiful Emma dressed as an angel, and second from your story about the service as I can see myself being the same way you were. I am so glad you feel better from your cry. Every day is a new day, and each new day brings us a little more peace. Glad to see you posting and Im glad that nasty flu is out of there finally! Sending Hugs, Love, Nan xoxo

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  5. I wish I would have known about the service. I really could have used it last weekend. I still have my daughter here at home..not sure where we'll finally put her to rest. I'm glad you went, and I am glad you were able to get a real good cry out. Sometimes we all need to do that (=

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  6. Tina! I have missed you! I was actually thinking about you yesterday. First of all, I am glad you are feeling better. Secondly, your Emma is just adorable!!! I'm so glad she was an angel, it seems perfect. It is so sweet that she was trying to comfort you when you were crying at the memorial service. That was incredibly brave of you to talk to that other teacher with whom you shared a due date. I don't know if I could have done that. I have told a few women that were preggo with me that its ok to talk about Jenna, but that was only after they approached me. You are so strong. It seems like you have found some healing, just by reading your words. Sending you *big* HUGS to you!!

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  7. It is good to have you back. Emma looks gorgeous. We all are walking talking thunderstorms and it does not take much for tears to pour down our eyes. Hugsssss.

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  8. there you are! i was wondering what was going on with you! i'm so sorry that you got the dreaded H1N1, but grateful that you and your beautiful daughter are well. her costume is great! xxMB

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  9. Hi Tina,
    Glad you are back and recovered from the nasty flu. The memorial service sounds really nice. I wish I could find something like that here. It would be nice since we didn't have a service for Ella. It must be horrible to have to work side by side with someone who shared your due date and who's baby lived. I have 2 friends who are due within days of this baby and I'm kind of mad about it because if I lose this one, I have to watch them have their babies when I should have been too. It's so hard. So unfair. Big hug!

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  10. Tina *hugs*...I can imagine it being difficult with the flu. You daughter was absolutely adorable by the way. :)

    I can imagine how you feel about IRL friends finding your blog. People know I do blog, but have never given out the address or put it on facebook. Hopefully your IRL friend will honor your request for privacy as this is your space to say what you want to say. *hugs*

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  11. I was an angel for Halloween one year too, I think its precious :)

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  12. I'm glad you're alright Tina. I was just thinking about you earlier today and wondering if you were too busy at work too write much. But it was the dreaded flu. So glad you are feeling better.
    Oh the stroller with the two pink blankets. I'm sorry. Those always break my heart a little too.
    Your Emma looks absolutely beautiful, what a perfect little angel.
    I'm glad that the memorial service brought you peace. I've been to some at the hospital where G died and it helped me to let it all out too.
    xo

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  13. Tina glad you are back! I am also glad you are feeling better! How cute is Emma as an angel!
    Glad you went to the service, those things can be really hard, but good at the same time.
    I am the same way about my blog if I think some one in my "real life" is reading I will make my blog private.

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  14. So good to hear from you again, Tina. I figured you were busy making necklaces! :)
    Your Emma is so sweet. She made a great angel and I'm sure she was glad she picked it!
    I'm glad you went to the service...your family is so precious and you know you can make it through anything with them. You shouldn't have stressed about it. I wish I had a service I could go to. I *need* a release like that right now. So I completely understand.
    I wish I could give your teacher friend my samples of formula, too. I hate that they are going to waste. Mostly for obvious reasons, though.
    I feel the same....so weird....off-kilter....I SHOULD be pushign a stroller right now, too.
    It was good to hear from you. I hope you all stay healthy.
    xoxo
    Christy

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  15. I'm so glad to see a post from you!
    So MUCH of this I feel the same way about. Being a teacher-there were 3 ladies at my school due at pretty much the same time as me. They all came back this week. They won't even look at me. I feel so angry. Shouldn't I be the one that can't look at them!?!?! Oh, well.
    There is nothing worse for me than a damn double stroller. It just makes me ache on the inside. It's horrible. I just wish I could even picture myself pushing that double stroller, but all of that is starting to fade, which makes me miserable...
    i hope you are all staying healthy. Thank you for the update! (:

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  16. So glad to see you again! Sounds like there has been a lot going on. So sorry you and Emma were sick! Bleh!! I have no doubt there was a lot to catch up on after you felt better. Emma looks so cute as an angel for Halloween. I think it is so fitting!!

    I'm glad you found out about the memorial service and that you went. Sometimes you just need a good cry. Good way to release those emotions.

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  17. Nice to catch up with you! Sounds like a very busy time, which makes for a mix of emotions and stress. I'm glad you decided to got to the Memorial Service. It sounds like it was helpful (in a way).... When you were talking about Emma trying to console you it reminded me of our little guy the other night. He had another grief outburst.. missing his brother and not understanding and our oldest son asked him to stop crying because he would make mommy cry... bless their hearts.

    Emma is just absolutely gorgeous... I love the costume, it's perfect.

    Lea

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  18. So glad you're feeling better, Tina. We're in the midst of the nasty flu right now; the only ones still healthy are my husband and the dog! Ugh. Your Emma is just beautiful as an angel! And your children sound so sweet. I'm glad you had that service to go to with your family and that your talk with your colleague about her baby and your babyloss went well. That was amazing for you to approach her I think and be so open. Thinking of you. And of your girls. (((Hugs)))

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  19. Glad to have you back. I love Emma's costume she is adorable and a perfect angel indeed.

    Glad you are all feeling better.

    Many many peaceful hugs!

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  20. Tina,

    How very sweet of you to post on my blog. Through much encouragement from my Earth Angel friend Nan I took her advice in search of healing my heart. What a blessing she is to me.

    So very sorry that you all were sick, but elated to know that you are feeling better :) Thank you for taking your time to stop in and show encouragement, as it means so much.

    Hugs to you

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  22. i'm just catching up on my blogs so i'm sorry i am so late! i think it's lovely that Emma was an angel for halloween! and oh so adorable she is!
    I went to a memorial service at an area hospital in oct and even though i went alone it was really good for me to go; i cried throughout the whole service too.
    i live with my 7 year old nephew and as of late he has been obsessing over death. the poor child thinks everything is going to kill him and everyone is going to die, it's just horrible. he doesn't understand what happened to Leila (hell, neither do i) and he just doesn't know what to make of it (again, me too!) i feel so terrible, i don't know what to tell him, none of us do. it's awful, having to face death so young, especially after looking forward to a new baby in the house for so many months. (he kept saying he was having a sister, not a cousin, lol)*sigh*
    many hugs to you and your baby girls...

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