Sunday, kids, and anger

Last Sunday our family was awoken to the sound of the smoke detectors going off. Not just one, signaling it needs its battery changed, but ALL of them. It was terrifying. I was in bed, Hutch had gone to the couch sometime during the night, and Brady & Emma were on the other side of the house. Hutch & I both ran to the kids who were seriously confused by all the commotion (as were we.) We went outside onto our driveway and put the kids in the car since it was quite chilly that morning. We really did not think there was a fire in the house. We didn't smell smoke or see flames, so we were fairly confidant that the house was okay. After the kids were settled Hutch said he was going to go in to check everything, I said I wanted to go too in case I needed to get anything out of the house. But what was really on my mind was, "If there is a fire I am getting Sophia's & Ellie's box. I have to have their things. they can not be damaged by a fire or smoke. This is all I have left of them and I'll be damned if I am going to let anything happen to all I have left of my girls."

Needless to say, there was no fire, the girls' box was safe and sound right on top of my dresser. However, now I am thinking I need to put in in our safe. I hate the idea of not having the box out where I can see it, but even more I would hate for something to happen to the box while we were away.

Also last Sunday (wow it was an eventful day!) I went and visited with an old friend I used to teach with. She is experiencing some life changing challenges in her marriage right now so even though our grief is different, it is still similar in many ways. We talked for quite a while and it is interesting that we have a lot of the same emotions and reactions to our "losses." I got a good cry out while talking to my friend and I sure felt a lot better afterward. It is so nice that she can comfortably talk to me about my girls and my experience. It really helped my emotional state because the days before this I had been in a pretty foul mood.


I have always talked about Brady and Emma to my students. However this year I am more reluctant to do so. I know the question, "How many kids do you have?" would come up and it did this week. I don't remember what we were talking about, but a student asked the question. Of course I have thought about my answer to this question and my thoughts have been that I would answer truthfully, 4. And if further questions were asked I would simply say that we have 2 of our children here with us and 2 that live in Heaven. Well, the question was thrown out, but for some reason I just didn't feel like answering it. Instead I just ignored it and went on teaching. I am not sure why I did this, I am quite comfortable with my answer, but maybe the timing just wasn't right. I don't know...

I know I haven't finished writing Sophia's & Ellie's story here, I will someday, but it is just so hard. But when we had the girls we decided not to bring Brady and Emma in to see them. I have never regretted this decision. I thought it might be too much for them, too traumatic. After all we did have pictures and the kids have seen these. However, the other night I was putting Emma in bed and we were talking about her sisters. She told me that she wanted to go to the hospital when I had them. I asked her why and she said because she wanted to see her sisters. My heart broke all over again and for the first time I am doubting my decision on not bringing them in to see the girls. I told her we have pictures and we can look at them whenever we want to and she was satisfied with that answer, but I am still doubting my decision.

I have been having a hard time lately, my emotions are all over the place. I have been crying more than I had been and have been sadder than I was. I guess that is just grief's way. The friend I was talking to last week asked if I had experienced all the emotions involved with the grieving process. She asked if I had been angry and really I don't feel that I have been. I don't know who to be angry at. I have been upset with myself for not doing things differently, I have questioned my doctors possibly missing something that was wrong, but I don't blame anyone for my girls' deaths. I sometimes feel like I want to be mad at someone, but I don't know who to be mad at. I know some people become angered at God. I don't think this was something He controlled and made happen, it wasn't part of his "plan" for me. That is just not the way I think, maybe if I did think like that, then I would be angry at Him, but that's not me. So this foulness that I mentioned earlier that comes out of me, maybe that is my anger releasing itself on whoever happens to be there at the moment. I don't know, but mostly I am just really missing my girls.