Within the last several days questions have arose. Emma has a new dance teacher and we were talking one day. She asked me how many children I have at home. It was really odd the way she worded it...almost like she maybe knew all too much about the loss of a child and therefore chose her words carefully. I told her we have 2 children with us, Emma and her brother Brady, and we left it at that. But I am still wondering why she asked the way she did.
I was talking to a boy on the playground a few days ago, he is in first grade and I had his brother in my class a couple years ago. This boy, J, was saying that his brother, M, talks about my babies. I asked J what M says about them and he say M wonders what they look like. They don't know they are not here with me. Clearly, they don't know. Their mother is a nurse and I believe she is a NICU nurse in another city. I think that if she knew what happened with the girls, she would have explained to M & J my loss. I just smiled though and thought of my beautiful little girls, because I am so glad that I had the opportunity to see them, hold them, and kiss them, even if it was for just a day.
Friday all the Kindergartners had a little picnic at school. Emma has a classmate whose brother was in my class a couple years ago. I was talking to their mother and she asked me about my other kids. I told her about Brady and she asked about the baby. I explained that we had twins in April, but they were born prematurely and didn't survive. She of course apologized.
So the questions and comments are popping up here and there. I didn't get overly emotional with any of these conversation. I kind of feel bad for that. I feel like maybe I should have teared up, but I didn't. I love and miss my girls so very, very much, and I know I am not done grieving, nor will I ever be. However, I think I have spent so much time preparing myself for these conversations that I was ready to answer them, well as ready as one can be when talking about their dead babies.
I went to Costco again yesterday. I walked through the store in tears knowing I won't be buying Christmas gifts for Sophia & Ellie. It just breaks my heart that they are not here. I wish they were and I was whole again. I am not sure why Costco has this effect on me, maybe it is because they are the first to get seasonal merchandise out, or maybe because I know I would be buying diapers there. I just don't hope they change my name on my membership card to read: Crazy Lady!!
Earlier this week, Jenna's mommy, Franchesca made a Hope Collage for Sophia & Ellie. You can see it in my side bar on the left. It is amazing and she does it out of the kindness of her heart. I sent her several words that come to mind when I am thinking of my girls and she put them together in this collage. It is just another reminder of my sweet girls and of how wonderful this community is. Thank you Franchesca!!!Today is 21 weeks and 1 day since losing Sophia & Ellie. They have been gone for the exact amount of time they were with us. The time without them seems so much longer when compared to the short amount of time we had with them safe within my womb. I love you sweet girls. xo