Sunday, September 20, 2009

Random Ramblings

I am trying to find a balance. A balance between working full time, being a mother to my living children, keeping up with all the blogs I read, and still grieving for the loss of my sweet Sophia & Ellie. I am really finding it difficult to work all these things into just 24 hours every day. I haven't been able to post because I just don't have the time, plus I haven't had a lot to say. So here is an update of the past week:

Within the last several days questions have arose. Emma has a new dance teacher and we were talking one day. She asked me how many children I have at home. It was really odd the way she worded it...almost like she maybe knew all too much about the loss of a child and therefore chose her words carefully. I told her we have 2 children with us, Emma and her brother Brady, and we left it at that. But I am still wondering why she asked the way she did.

I was talking to a boy on the playground a few days ago, he is in first grade and I had his brother in my class a couple years ago. This boy, J, was saying that his brother, M, talks about my babies. I asked J what M says about them and he say M wonders what they look like. They don't know they are not here with me. Clearly, they don't know. Their mother is a nurse and I believe she is a NICU nurse in another city. I think that if she knew what happened with the girls, she would have explained to M & J my loss. I just smiled though and thought of my beautiful little girls, because I am so glad that I had the opportunity to see them, hold them, and kiss them, even if it was for just a day.

Friday all the Kindergartners had a little picnic at school. Emma has a classmate whose brother was in my class a couple years ago. I was talking to their mother and she asked me about my other kids. I told her about Brady and she asked about the baby. I explained that we had twins in April, but they were born prematurely and didn't survive. She of course apologized.

So the questions and comments are popping up here and there. I didn't get overly emotional with any of these conversation. I kind of feel bad for that. I feel like maybe I should have teared up, but I didn't. I love and miss my girls so very, very much, and I know I am not done grieving, nor will I ever be. However, I think I have spent so much time preparing myself for these conversations that I was ready to answer them, well as ready as one can be when talking about their dead babies.

I went to Costco again yesterday. I walked through the store in tears knowing I won't be buying Christmas gifts for Sophia & Ellie. It just breaks my heart that they are not here. I wish they were and I was whole again. I am not sure why Costco has this effect on me, maybe it is because they are the first to get seasonal merchandise out, or maybe because I know I would be buying diapers there. I just don't hope they change my name on my membership card to read: Crazy Lady!!

Earlier this week, Jenna's mommy, Franchesca made a Hope Collage for Sophia & Ellie. You can see it in my side bar on the left. It is amazing and she does it out of the kindness of her heart. I sent her several words that come to mind when I am thinking of my girls and she put them together in this collage. It is just another reminder of my sweet girls and of how wonderful this community is. Thank you Franchesca!!!

Today is 21 weeks and 1 day since losing Sophia & Ellie. They have been gone for the exact amount of time they were with us. The time without them seems so much longer when compared to the short amount of time we had with them safe within my womb. I love you sweet girls. xo


  1. Aw Tina, the British equivalent of Costco gets me everytime too. I don't why, I quite often end up in tears over things like the lil Christmas presents and nappies. Perhaps it is because I imagined myself doing the normal, everyday things with my two girls. If they are going to change your name to 'crazy lady' they can change mine too. xo

  2. This post brought tears to my eyes - I am just so sorry for all of this.

  3. I noticed the collage in your sidebar. She does a beautiful job on them. How sweet of her. It is heartbreaking that you have to live with such sorrow. You did a wonderful job is answering all the questions. I pray that you will be able to walk through Costco someday with peace in your heart. Please know that I care. God Bless

  4. I just hit that point too- without Ella longer than I was with her. It's such an awful feeling. I'm sorry.

    I like when people ask about my baby. I love talking about her. I wish I could talk about all the things she should be doing. But, regardless, I still approach every opportunity to talk about her with open arms.

    I love the collage Franchesca made for the girls. It's so sweet.

  5. I think there is something wrong with my blog feed - this post just showed up! Grrr...

    I think you did a fantastic job getting through questions, I know your job is one that brings these questions up often, and you prepared yourself well. Good job sweetie.

    I know it still sucks, having all of the plans in our heads of all of the things we were looking forward to this Fall and Winter and beyond. I have been ignoring those "aisles", as they trigger tears for me also.

    What a beautiful collage Franchesca makes - I have seen a few of these and they are gorgeous!

    These dates kill me too, you are not alone in that.

    Sending lots of bear hugs xoxoxo Nan

  6. Tina--I know how you feel, trust me. I can talk about Chase and mentino his name seemingly without emotion and I feel exactly the same as you described. But I really am happy to talk about him because I am so, so proud of him, just as you are with the girls. I am so proud for having him. Then, either on the spot, or later when I am think about the conversation, I end up crying. There's just no easy way around it. I, too, am grateful for this community. Thanks for sharing.
    p.s. I lOVE my necklaces. Thank you again SOO much.

  7. each Christmas, we buy gifts from our little ones to angel tree children. It helps to know that our love for them is being turned into a help for others. Just an idea... It makes the holidays slightly easier. Just slightly.

  8. Hope you find your balance and your peace. When asking someone how many kids they have at home- I do just that- say "at home" because that is the way I always answer that question of 'kids' three 'at home'- I am looking for my balance too- just trying to catch up on my reading... hugs!

  9. Sending hugs. It must be difficult managing all of that. I often think if I had to go back to work, I would end up getting fired. I don't think I could to a job right now, Im screwing up everything from dates and times of things to forgetting important things I need to do. I have trouble just taking care of myself and my little man and the everday house stuff.
    Why does shopping get to so many of us? I was buying clothes for my little guy today, and found myself lingering in the baby girls section, actually touching the clothes, wondering what size they'd be in, wishign I had little Halloween pjs or "my 1st" bibs to buy. I had to stop myself from buying something. Why, I thought do I do this to myself? Too bad they don't give out Crazy Lady discounts, Im one too ;)
    Hope you can find even a few minutes for yourself each day, to unwind a bit.

  10. hugs to you sweet tina....i hope you can find the balance you are seeking. love, suz xx

  11. I am nervous about the holidays and thinking that I should be buying Jonathan Christmas gifts especially since my due date was in December. I think its natural for all of us to have some sadness with the holidays coming because they represent family and we don't have our whole family physically with us. Its great that you are able to handle those questions and if you can answer them with a smile that is all part of the healing process. *hugs* during this time. :)

  12. Christmas stuff makes me sad too. Our craft store has it out 10-11 months out of the year, but they pulled even more stuff out since it is around the corner and it just broke my heart. Christmas used to be my favorite time of the year since my husband and me got married two days before Christmas. Now it just makes me eternally sad. I think you handled all those questions the best you could. Sometimes I get to questioning myself why I don't just fall apart in front of strangers who ask the most common questions. Like you said, I think we prepare ourselves the best we can for these moments.

    I am so glad you like your Hope Collage! Love to the sky~

  13. The collages are beautiful!

    I hope you can find some peace. Eventually you will find your balance and slowly get your life back. It took me a long time to learn to remember the good times.

    I still stumble over the questions about how many children I have. Mostly I just tell them about my living daughter and the one on the way. Mentioning Ellie is just to emotional for me to get into with an almost stranger. I feel bad about it - but it's my form of self protection.

  14. Oh Tina!
    I have to say I think that we all work up the questions so much that when it actually happens we are ready for it and we don't tear it up it doesn’t mean we aren't grieving or don't miss our children. It just means we have grieved/we are grieving and we miss them but we know they are well taken care of until we can be with them again!
    I find it hard to keep up with all of those things too, and I don't have nearly as much as you do to keep up with...but I can tell you I don't have enough hours in the day either!
    Thinking of you!

  15. Tina ((hugs)) We all know how much you miss your sweet girls. If you ball your eyes out or smile when talking about them you still love them the same! I too was asked about Kasey this weekend, I too tried to prepare for the question... If your name is going to be crazy lady I am right there with you, perhaps mine should be physco! :)

  16. There are times when I cry for Akul. I cried last night in the middle of a concert because I remembered him. And there are times when someone talks about Akul and I do not shed a single tear. We all go through this.

  17. You know, I feel the exact same way!! The balance can be so hard to find and I struggle with it sometimes. There have been many times I have wished for more hours in a day to get everything done that I need to. I've spent time going over how to answer questions and perhaps that's why I don't tear up either. Gosh, I don't even want to imagine how hard this Christmas will be. I don't even want to think about it, but it is kinda hard when stores get there Christmas stuff out so darn early.

    Franchesca's collages are just wonderful! The time does seem longer without them...

  18. I am so sorry Tina. For everything. Sending huge hugs and wishing I could do more xxxx

  19. Tina, I am just stopping in to say that I'm still here-reading, thinking of you, wishing you peace. I'm sorry for these anniversaries/dates that pop up and I'm sorry for silly Costco. Little halloween costumes have been doing it to me lately. It's everywhere :(
    Thinking of you

  20. I'm not sure what triggers the tears. I know that it hurts more at times than others. I know that I can cry at unexpected times. I don't know if there is a definite answer as to when we should be prepared to cry. It will just come.

    I have seen the collage here and on other blogs and think that is such a beautiful way to remember our angels.

  21. thank you so much for the necklace. it is perfect. (i somehow have locked myself out of my etsy account...)

    i too know what you mean in this post. i also admire your courage in being able to speak about your girls. i've prepared and practiced, but still my answer to that question 'do you have kids?' is always 'no'. i cringe inside, but i'm not brave enough to face their faces when they hear i lost my girls.