I will miss you 2009

I really thought I was ready to say good-bye to 2009. But as I sit here on the last day of this emotional year, I realize I am not. I feel like if I say goodbye to the year where my girls existed I will be saying goodbye to a part of them. I am grasping at anything I can to hold on to them, but what I want so badly is them. Both of my girls, in my arms, safe, and healthy. So although 2009 was very heartbreaking to me, I am choosing (trying to at least) to focus on the parts I loved.


I loved finding our I was pregnant (although this was actually on December 27, 2008.)

I loved that my parents were excited about having another baby around (I know this sounds ridiculous for someone my age, but my parents watched Emma when I worked and she started kindergarten this year so they were finally free!! However, when my dad found out he said, "Oh good, I was thinking it was going to be so lonely without Emma around, but I hated to ask you to have another baby just for me!")

I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED finding out we were having TWINS!!! That was the most amazing experience of my life I think!

I loved seeing my babies every time I went to the doctor!

I loved answering the question, "Is this your first baby?" (Now I don't like it so much!)

I loved discussing (aka arguing about) names for our new additions...we are terrible about choosing names and now we had to choose names for two babies!

I loved meeting, holding and kissing my beautiful girls...this was the saddest day of my life, but I still loved meeting my twins.

I loved all of the pictures and reminders I received of Sophia & Ellie including their names in the sand, on flowers, on leaves, on jewelry, on ornaments, etc.

I loved making the very special virtual friends I have made here and learning about how special one IRL friend truly is to me...you know who you are L!!

And today, the last day of 2009, I loved finding out that I am carrying Sophia's & Ellie's baby sister.

Hoping 2010 is full of things I love!!!

An update and A WINNER!!!!!

Okay, so I sat down to write about my holidays the other day and I had so much to say that the post got REALLY long, so I decided to divide it up and just post a little bit here along with the winner of the last giveaway...I know that's what you are really here for anyway!! ;)

So the holidays were difficult, I don't need to tell all of you that. Something was definitely missing from my heart. It is kind of funny (not ha ha funny, but peculiar funny) that even though these two little girls were never physically here on a previous holiday, their absence can still be felt so much. However, some people IRL were very thoughtful and remembered my girls in some way and I thought I would start by sharing that.

As I mentioned before, we bought a little white Christmas Tree for Sophia & Ellie, well actually my parents bought it for them. We decorated it in all pink; pink bows, pink sparkly foliage, etc. My mom bought two sweet, white, puffy angel ornaments that we hung on the tree and she also bought silver and rhinestone initial ornaments for both the girls. These were so heavy so I just laid them at the base of the tree. I also bought some ornaments for the girls. There are the two sleeping babies wrapped in wings and also a silver mother with he saying "A mother holds her children's hands for a while, their hearts forever" printed on it. I thought this message was perfect for how I feel.

My IRL friend "L" surprised me with a little something. She took four white glass ornaments and wrote each of my children's names on one of the ornaments. What a lovely gift from a lovely friend. They are so special to me and I love seeing all four of them hang together on my tree.

My sil also surprised me with a gift. She gave me two Lenox angel ornaments that each have Sophia's & Ellie's names printed on them. They are very precious and it was such a thoughtful thing for her to do.

I wanted to find a stocking for Sophia & Ellie to hang from the mantel with the rest of ours. I had a really difficult time with this because nothing was just right. I finally settled on a light pink stocking with a tiara pinned on it. I asked my other sil, who is a wonderful seamstress, if she would embroider the girls' names on it for me. She did and it is beautiful. Even though it is not what I had envisioned, it is perfect.

Then on Christmas Day, my aunt & uncle (my mom's sister & husband) surprised me with a special gift too. They live a few hours away and apparently there is a 93 year old woman who makes ornaments by hand in their town. They gave me 2 special angels that this lady made. I was truly touched by their thoughtfulness. I don't see them very often and to know they thought of my girls brought tears to my eyes (and down my cheeks.)

I know this sounds self-centered, but I am surprised that a few of my other friends/family didn't mention my girls at all. A little message to say they are thinking about all of us would have been much appreciated. I know it is a busy time of year, and it is so easy to get caught up in all that is going on, but I don't know...it would have been nice. I guess I am expecting too much and should just be thankful for what these wonderful people did for my girls. I hope people expressed their thoughts of your babies to you too during this holiday season.

NOW FOR THE WINNER...

Using random.org, the winner is commenter #8...MB at Three Pairs of Feet!! Congratulations MB!!! Contact me at hutchtina@bak.rr.com and we will get it all worked out!

Thank you all so much for participating in the giveaways. I think it was a great way to bring a smile to our faces. I hope we can do it again next Christmas!!

25 Days of Giveaways...Day 29, final day!!!

Let me start by saying Merry Christmas to you all! Getting through the past couple days has been very difficult for me. I think our Christmas Eve Dinner had a few tears in it. Its just so hard for me not to imagine how things should be so, but I will get into all of that in another post. Today (Christmas Day) is 8 months since Sophia & Ellie left us. It is hard to believe that if they could have survived they would be that old already! What a fun age and a fun time of year, if only they would have survived...

Note: The following has nothing to do with my giveaway!!

Right after Thanksgiving we had our annual family pictures taken. This was hard for me too because it was not what I had pictured for our Christmas cards this year. I imagined Hutch & myself each holding a baby with Brady & Emma standing in between us. The photographer, "R", who is a friend of a friend, surprised me with a picture of two leaves floating in water. As soon as I saw it I knew it had to be included in our Christmas card. I had "R" photo.shop in the girls' names and a little message onto the photo. I was so touched that she thought of doing this for me, for my girls. Sarah also did a flower with all of our names on it...I too love it and had to include it as well. So, since I do not have all of your physical addresses here are pictures of our family's Christmas Card. The top photo is the cover of the card and the second photo is the top & bottom inside of the card. Take a look and know that I am wishing you all the best for this Christmas and a very Happy New Year...we definitely all deserve it!

And now what you all really came here for...The Last Giveaway!!!! I am not offering anything new, I have not had time to be creative and come up with a whole new project. So, I am offering a piece of jewelry from my etsy shop again. I have a few pictures posted here, but again, I am willing to work with you to make the perfect piece that fits your needs. So to enter, leave me a comment and tell me something about your Christmas...how it was for you, anything special you did, what you thought of the giveaways, anything you want to tell us. I will be leaving this giveaway open for a few days...I know it is a busy time and everyone might not be reading today, so I will randomly choose a winner in a couple days. Thanks again everyone for making our days a little brighter!

Love to you all and especially to my sweet little girls. xo

25 Days of Giveaways!!!

Today is the last day of the 25...I mean 29 Days of Giveaways. I want to thank you all so much for participting in the giveaways; all of you who hosted, who entered, and even those who just told me what a great idea it was. You all have helped to make my crazy idea very successful. Doing this has really occupied my time and thoughts...so much so that I have not had time to post anything that is going on in my little corner of the world, so be ready for another long post when Christmas is over and packed away!! Thank you to all and today, Day 29 - is being hosted again by me, so find my giveaway post and leave me a comment...it is your last chance to win!!

NOTE: These giveaways are open to all baby lost mamas. If you didn't sign up to host a giveaway we still want you to participate and try to win some of these GREAT items. We want to spread happiness to everyone, not just those who are hosting a day! xo

Day 28 - April and Kyle at Our Broken Hearts are giving away todays items...go take a peek and leave thm a comment!! Day 27 - Today Karen at Gott Joy! is hosting our giveaway. Go leave her a comment and enter to win!! Day 26 - I know it is "25 Days of Giveaways" but more days equals more joy...right?? Anyway go on over to Holly's blog today @ Caring for Carleigh and see what awesome item she is giving away. Day 25 - Take a peek at Katy's blog at In Hannah's Honor and see what great item she is giving away today. Day 24 - Today is Lauren's turn at Lauren's Blog to host a very special giveaway. Stop by and pay her a visit!!Day 23 - Let's all stop by Ashley's blog at Maxton David Standifer to see what lovely item she is offering today!Day 22 - Stop by Once a Mother to see what wonderful thing she is giving away today!!Day 21 - Today we go back to Tina's blog at Living Without Sophia and Ellie. Her dear IRL friend is giving away today's item via her blog.Day 20 - Stop by and visit Mackenzie's Mommy at Missing Mackenzie and enter her giveaway today!!Day 19 - It is Susan's turn at Our Lives Forever Changed to host the giveaway today. Go check out her super sweet item!!Day 18 - Go check out Amanda's blog at What's Cooking...or Not! and see what she is giving away!!Day 17 - Let's go pay Rachel a visit at Three Butterflies and a Monkey to see what great thing she is giving away today!!!Day 16 - Hop on over and see what Christy is giving away at A Piece of the Pearsons!!Day 15 - Now it is Danielle's turn at Letting Go and Letting God to giveaway another GREAT item!!Day 14 - Take a peek at what Lindsay is giving away today in La La Land!!Day 13 - Today lets visit Jessica at Momma of Two Angels to see what she has to offer!!Day 12 - Go pay Angie at Still Life with Circles a visit to see what terrific item she is giving away today!!Day 11 - Stop by and leave Mallory at Mommy of an Angel a comment to enter in her great giveaway!!Day 10 - Today it is TracyOC's turn at Mommicked to giveaway another fabulous item!!Day 9 - To enter in today's giveaway go visit Brandy @ Forever Elliot's Mommy.Day 8 - Lets go pay Jill a visit at Footprints on our Hearts to see what she is giving away!!Day 7 - Take a peek at Franchesca at Handprints form Heaven and see what she is giving away!! Day 6- Let's head back to the USA and visit Donna at Life Without Ellie to see what she has to brighten our day!!!Day 5 - Hop on over and see Sarah at Oh, The Possibilities! She has something special to give!!Day 4 - Stop by Lea's blog at Nicholas' Touch and see what special item she is giving away!Day 3 - Go visit Karen at Busy Hands to see what she is giving away!Day 2 - To enter in today's giveaway visit Jeanette at Lazy Seamstress.Day 1 - To enter in today's giveaway visit Tina at Living Without Sophia & Ellie.

I was so close!!!

Oh my goodness...I was so close!!! I went to random.org, entered the beginning number as 1 and ending number as 22 (my comment was #22) and the result was 21!!!!! So that means that Once a Mother (who happens to be hosting today's giveaway) is the very lucky winner. Please e-mail me your information at hutchtina@bak.rr.com and I will get this very special package off to you very soon. Thank you all for participating, I enjoyed reading your comments.

Just a few days to go until the giveaways are over!!

25 Days of Giveaways...Day 21!!!

My dear IRL friend "L" who stumbled across my blog several weeks ago wanted to be involved in our giveaways. After finding my blog, "L" sent me a message right away telling me how happy she was that I have this space to share my feelings with people who understand my pain. As you can imagine (and I wrote about here) I was a little surprised and scared. I feel that if too many people (or the wrong the people) find out about this space that I will not be free to write what I feel...I will be guarded and that is not what I want. But, I know "L" would never betray my trust. She has been open and honest with me about her feelings, what she has read, and what she thinks and how she feels about my girls. I completely trust her and have given her permission to read my posts.

When "L" read about the giveaways, she said she wanted to "host" one too. So today's giveaway is from my dear friend "L" via my blog. This item that she has made for one of us is lovely. I know she has put a lot of thought and love into it. It is a small vintage basket that she stumbled upon in an antique shop I believe. She has embellished it with a beautiful glittery bird, some lovely ribbon, and even some stuff (I don't know what it is called, it is what doilies are made of) that her grandmother made. It is gorgeous. I think it would be the perfect place to store photos of your baby(ies), but it can be used for a number of things. Here are some pictures, but they definitely do not do it justice.














So to enter today's giveaway, leave me a comment and tell me about someway your IRL friends have surprised you...if you want to, or just leave your info!! And just so we are clear on this...I will be leaving a comment because I would LOVE to win this from my very special friend! I will randomly choose a winner sometime tomorrow...Good Luck!!

Sophia's & Ellie's Christmas Ornament

I want to share something with you all. I have found what I think is the perfect Christmas ornament on the Internet. (That is, as perfect as can be considering our situation.) It is a sleeping baby wrapped in wings. I just ordered 2 from this website http://www.getfed.com/. I can't post a picture because of copyright issues, but here is the link to the item:

Joseph's Studio Baby's First Christmas Ornament at Getfed Discount Catholic Catalog

I also ordered 2 indoor statues that look very similar to the ornament so I can keep them out all year long. And I ordered 2 outdoor outdoor statues that also depict sleeping babies wrapped in wings. All of the pieces were somewhat affordable and shipping was free!!

I don't really think of my Sophia & Ellie as angels, but I do think of them as two Heavenly beings that are absolutely perfect in every way. Anyway, I just thought I would share because I know some of you have been searching for the perfect ornament to represent your babies and this is as close to it I have found.

Don't forget to visit Jeanette's blog to enter her giveaway and check back here tomorrow to see where to go next. Peace to you my friends!!

And the winner of the 1st giveaway is.....

I held out on randomly choosing a winner for as long as I could to make sure everyone had time to leave a comment. So without further hesitation, random.org chose #18 as the winner...................................................


That is Nicolle from Missing Kasey!!


Congratulations Nicolle!!!! Please e-mail me at hutchtina@bak.rr.com and we will discuss what you want exactly!


I loved hearing all of your ideas on keeping your babies' spirits alive during the holiday season. I know we all do what we can on a daily basis, but it is these holidays that we feel our losses even more (I think.)


I wish I could give a necklace to all of you. But since that is not possible, I would like to offer all of you bloggers a 10% discount through November 30th. If you want to take advantage of this offer, then convo me on etsy or e-mail me telling me who you are and which peice you are interested in and I will set up a listing for you. If you are on facebook, you can also become a fan here.


Tomorrow's givieaway is being hosted by Jeanette at Lazy Seamstress. Jeanette is a WONDERFUL seamstress (I am so jealous!) so go by and leave her a comment so you can be entered to win her very special giveaway.

Thank you for being a part of 25 Days of Giveaways!!!

25 Days of Giveaways...Day 1!!!

Happy Black Friday!!! Can you believe Christmas is in less than a month now??? I know that this holiday season is going t0 be a difficult one for me (and you.) Shopping needs to be done and it always makes me sad to see all the things I would love to buy for my sweet Sophia & Ellie. That is why I decided to do what I can to spread some joy to our community. So with the help of 24 other lovely ladies we are doing 1 giveaway a day for the next 25 days. So check back here every morning to see where to go for that day's giveaway. Don't forget because each giveaway will probably only last for 1 day (sorry to those of you who live oceans away, I hope you are able to participate in this too!)

Now for the first giveaway...

I am having a really hard time deciding what to give. Of course it will be one of my handstamped pieces, but not everyone has the same needs. So I am going to "advertise" my newest creation for the giveaway, but if it doesn't fit your needs, I will be happy to work with you and create the perfect piece just for you. So here it is...my newest necklace and it can be yours...

All you have to do is leave me a comment and tell me any special things you might me doing to keep your babies' spirits alive during this holiday season. Here a few things we are doing: My parentes bought us a white Christmas Tree that we plan on decorating with mostly pink ornaments just for Sophia & Ellie. I also want to have a special stocking made (or purchase) for them to hang with the rest of ours. However, I can't find what I want anywhere (any suggestions would be great!) Also, the girls are buried under an olive tree and I want to have some ornaments painted with their names to hang in the tree during this season. Anyway...I can't wait to here (and steal!) some of your ideas too. Leave me a comment quickly!!! I will randomly choose a winner this evening!!!

Thanks for participating and don't forget to check back here tomorrow to see where to go next!!!

7 months

Yesterday was 7 months since Sophia & Ellie left us. It was a busy day for me. I didn't go to work because I had a few appointments. So in between taking the kids to school and my first appointment, I went out to the cemetery. I took the girls the most beautiful lavender roses (I know not very Thanksgivingish, but they reminded me of the spray that was on top of their casket.) On my way out there I kept thinking of all the things I should have picked up on, things I should have felt weren't right. I still harbor so much guilt for losing them; I know it's not my fault, but I still feel guilty...I should have known.

Last night we went to a friend's house for a little get together. Our school librarian "A" was there. A lost identical twin boys to TTTS 24 years ago. I found out about this after I lost the girls, but she had never spoken to me about it. Last night she brought it up and we talked for a while about our losses. She told me the hurt never goes away and that she too carries guilt with her. She said she heard a song on the radio a few weeks ago and it is one that she has always associated with her boys and she started crying. She said that when she sees twins still, it hurts. A has 5 other children (1 older than the twins and 4 younger) but she said none of them have ever filled the void from losing her boys. It was so nice to be able to talk to her, someone who knows what it feels like. I am sure my experience was very difficult for her, first me being pregnant with twins, then losing them; it couldn't have been easy even after all this time. I appreciate her talking to me last night, she is a good friend.

Today is Thanksgiving and I have so much to be thankful for. I sometimes forget all the blessings I have in my life. It is so easy for me to focus on the things I am missing, but I truly am fortunate. We are going to my parents house and will spend the day with my family. Holidays just aren't the same for me anymore. I used to wake up excited for the day's festivities, now I wake up thinking of my girls and not even realizing it is a holiday. I would love to skip this season altogether, but I have to get through it for Brady & Emma.

I hope you all have a wonderful day and are surrounded by good food, friends, family and peace. Don't forget to check back here tomorrow for the kickoff of 25 Days of Giveaways!!!

Happy Thanksgiving Sophia & Ellie. Mommy wishes you were her with us to celebrate your first turkey day. Know we will be thinking of you and missing you as always. xoxo

25 Days of Giveaways!!!

I am so excited!!! We have 21 giveaways planned starting with the day after Thanksgiving. We have a few more spots available if anyone else is interested...you can just leave me a comment. I have contacted everyone who has expressed interest, but there are a few of you who I had to leave comments for since I couldn't locate your e-mail address. If you haven't heard from me yet, let me know so I can send you all the info.

Also, Angie had a GREAT suggestion. She thought we could maybe use a button to get the word out about our giveaways. And, she offered to design it too! I love it Angie! Thank you so much! So grab the button and start spreading the word...We have 4 more days till the first giveaway, and I am the first host, so come back and see me on Friday!!!!!

12 Days of Christmas...maybe more!!!

Yay!!!! I am so excited about the response for our 12 Days of Christmas Giveaways!!! (If you don't have any idea what I am talking about read my last post.) We will definitely be able to do at least 12 days of giveaways and help to cheer all of us baby lost mamas up!

Just a few notes...I will be contacting all who wish to host a giveaway and let you know which day you will be (if you have a preference please let me know.) I know some of you are concerned about Christmas delivery. I don't think it matters if your item arrives before or after Christmas (unless it is a seasonal item.) The purpose is to spread some joy in our worlds and that can be at anytime!! All of your ideas will be great!!! I can't wait to hear more about them! If you still want to participate its not too late, just leave me a comment or send me an e-mail!!!

I can't wait! You all have already brightened my day by making this crazy idea in my head a reality!!! Thank you, thank you , thank you!

Whose up for spreading some happiness?

Okay I can't get this out of my head. I tried to forget about it, but it keeps popping back into my mind. Especially today as I see posts from some of you fellow bloggers about the upcoming holidays and how we wish we could just skip over them because it hurts so much not to have all of our children with us. So here it is:

To those of you who are "crafty" in some way, I am thinking about us all joining together and doing a Twelve Days of Christmas (or however many days we can.) What I mean is each of us who choose to participate will host a giveaway to help spread some happiness to us who will so desperately be needing it. It would be great if we can do one a day from the day after Thanksgiving until Christmas Day, but even if it is just a few I still think it would help to lift our spirits.

Anyway, let me know what your thoughts are on this and if you would like to host a giveaway on your blog. (If I don't hear from some of you out there soon who I know have a special talent, I will be contacting you!! :)

Fight for Preemies

Today, November 17 is dedicated to raising awareness of the crisis of premature birth. The March of Dimes invites bloggers like us to get involved.

• Learn about premature birth at marchofdimes.com/fightforpreemies
• Put a badge on your blog during November, Prematurity Awareness Month®
• On November 17, blog for a baby you love and to help othersWe need to fight
― because babies shouldn’t have to.

I often wonder if it were 10, 15, 20, or more years in the furute, if my girls would have a chance of surviving. If the day comes when babies who are born at 21 weeks have a chance of survival, it will be very bittersweet for me. Sweet because less mommies will have to loose their precious babies, but bitter because that means my girls could have survived, just not at this time.

Anyway, it really doesn't matter...it's just something I think about.

Missing and loving you as always Sophia & Ellie. xoxo

It may be long, but at least the font is big!!

I can't believe I have gone over 2 weeks without posting!! I have been trying to read all the blogs I follow when I can, but there are just not enough hours in the day! Emma & I were sick for 2 weeks, h1n1...not fun! Going back to work after missing 9 days meant a lot of catching up to do. Not to mention my house was left is a state of disaster! So, today is Veteran's Day and I am enjoying a day off...remembering what it is like to not have to work Monday-Friday and having days off during the week..."big sigh." So here is my long post pf catching up. Please remember as you are reading that yes it may be long in length, but at least the font is big!!

:::

A few days before Halloween was the kids' school carnival. Emma was doing the oh so fun Cake Walk as Hutch & I stood and watched her number not get called time and time again. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a stroller with a pink blanket draped over it. When I looked again it was actually a double stroller with two pink blankets. I just don't understand it. I didn't know who the family was, so I don't know their story, but I don't get why we didn't get to bring home our girls. I just wish I had answers.

Halloween began as any other day. I was not feeling particularly upset or happy, just kind of going through the motions. We went to a friend's house for dinner and to take the kids trick-or-treating. As we were walking it just didn't feel right. Hutch asked me what was wrong and I told him I should be pushing a stroller right now. It is so hard to enjoy these activities and holidays when our family is not altogether.

Emma was an angel for Halloween. I don't know if that seems weird to people or not. I wonder if some think it was my decision because I can't move past losing the girls. No one has said anything to me and really if that is what someone is thinking it doesn't matter. I mentioned to Emma a few months ago that she could be an angel. She liked the idea right away and stuck with it. Normally she changes her mind every hour, but not this time. I think for her it may have been a way to connect to her sisters. She did mention at the last minute that she wished she could have been a cheerleader, but oh well...she is 5! Here are a couple of pics:

:::

Emma was asked in class the other day what she was thankful for. Her reply was," For God giving me sisters." She too doesn't understand why they can't be with us. I feel badly for her that at such a young age, death is a reality to her. She gets upset and worries about me dying. This is something that has bothered her before I even was pregnant with Sophia & Ellie, so I know their deaths are not the cause for all her fears. However, I can no longer say, "Don't worry mommy is not going to die." I can't lie to her when she knows that people do die, old and young, age doesn't matter. I try to console her and tell her that everyone has to die at some point and that is why we have to make the best of each day that we have with each other. I don't know if these are the right words, but it is all I have right now.

:::

On Saturday the cemetery where the girls are buried had a Baby Memorial Service. We did not receive an invitation or anything in the mail. Hutch happened to see it in the newspaper and showed me. I called and spoke to someone about the service. I wanted to know if we needed to RSVP or give them our babies names or any other information. She informed me that they did not need anything from us. It was just a ceremony to honor the lives of all babies who had left too soon. She said that it seems to bring much comfort to people who did not bury their babies or who had miscarriages. I explained to her that we were able to spend time with our girls and they are buried there. I asked her if it was something that was more geared towards people who did not have that opportunity. She said it was meant for anyone who had lost a baby, but I still wasn't sure.

By Saturday morning my stress level was at a max. I was so overwhelmed with all I had to do at home on top of still trying to get caught up at work. We decided to go to the service. As we walked in I saw a lady outside crying. I thought about going and hugging her, but I thought it might be odd, so I didn't. I wasn't emotional at this point. However, once we walked through the doors, the tear came. I couldn't stop crying throughout the entire service. I had not cried like that in a very long while. I tear up almost everyday, but I was on the verge of sobbing a couple time. I must have been quite a sight! But it felt good. I have felt so much better since that day. We had the kids with us and Emma kept telling Hutch that she couldn't make me stop crying. She was trying her hardest with all her hugs and kisses, but nothing she did worked. Hutch just told her that it was okay. He also shed a tear or two. On our way out of the chapel Brady stopped to give me a big hug. My children really are so sweet.

It was a super emotional day and I was exhausted, but I felt so much better after letting it all out. Sometimes that is just so hard for me to do. I don't know why. I think maybe it is because I don't like to feel like I am burdening others with my pain. I wish I knew how to make it different.

:::

The other teacher with whom I shared a due date returned to work on Monday. I haven't really spoken to her since she had her baby girl. It has been hard for me to find the right words to say. After school I went into her room and asked her how her first day back was. I offered her the formula samples I keep getting in the mail. She asked how I was doing. I told her it was hard. I have good and bad days, good moments and bad moments. I told her that I didn't want her to feel as if she couldn't talk about her daughter if I was around. It might sting a little bit, but this is her new baby and I don't think it is fair that she doesn't get to share all her stories just to spare my feelings. She was very understanding. She has had a few miscarriages and understands how it can be hurtful. But she also said that she can't comprehend the pain I live with. I am glad I went to chat with her. I was hesitant to do so, but I think it was probably good for both of us.

:::

A dear friend IRL today sent me a message today saying she found my blog. (Insert silence here.) In her message she said how wonderful she thought it was and that she thinks it is great that I have found this space to share my feelings and so on. It is a very weird feeling to know that someone who really knows me has read this. I can't put it into words, but you probably know what I mean. I think it might goes back to two paragraphs up. I have a hard time expressing my feelings, but here I just write what I feel and if someone leaves me a comment, that is great, if not, I still have gotten that emotion out of my head.

I asked her not to share this with anyone, I am not ready to go public yet. I invited her to keep reading and I truly won't mind if she does I think just knowing she might is what makes it okay. I suspect that there are a few others out there who know me IRL that are reading too, but I don't know who. I don't know why it matters, but it does. However, this is my space and I am going to write what I need to write. That is why I started this blog, it is a space for to write and hopefully heal.

:::

Again, I am sorry for such a long post, but like I said...at least the font was big!!!!

October's Secret Garden Meeting

If you haven't visited The Secret Garden Meeting before click on the button to the left and go see what other bereaved parents have to say. It is a great place of comfort and support.

Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

I am 6 months, 2 weeks, and 3 days out from losing Sophia & Ellie. I don't really know where I am in my grief. I think I am kind of numb right now. I am able to go through the motions of a day, but when I sit back and think of what I have lost, it just takes my breath away. I sometimes worry that I am avoiding dealing with my grief. I try not to avoid my feelings, but it is so hard for me sometimes.

I still miss my girls. It still hurts like hell. I have started to let my mind go back to that day. It is really hard, but bits and pieces at a time are much easier for me to process than the whole picture at once. I know I will always hurt and long for Sophia & Ellie. Nothing is ever going to change that.

I don't know how I hope to feel in the future. I can't imagine feeling whole again or like our family is complete. Something is ALWAYS going to be missing from my life, no matter how full it is. I do feel like I have found some peace with my loss. I am not completely at peace, but it is a start.

How Can It Be...

that it has been six months since I have held you in my arms? How can it be that I have lived half a year without you both? How can it be that 183 days have passed and there is still a gaping hole in my heart?

I know that I will always live with a broken heart. It has become less jagged in the last six months but it still takes my breath away when I sit back and think of what I have lost. I miss my Sophia & Ellie so much. Especially as the holidays are approaching I find myself with a lot of apprehension for what should have been. I suppose that is all part of being a mother to babies who have left too soon.

Today we went to the girls grave. We took 2 little pumpkins, some fall flowers, and a Happy Halloween balloon that Emma picked out. Their grave looks very festive, but it hurts to know that they can't be with us during these celebrations.

Happy six months sweet ones. Mommy loves you and misses you both so very much. xoxo

My RAOK

Okay, so as I mentioned in my last post, Angie from Still life with circles was encouraging us all to go the extra step and make a difference is someone's day. Emma and I have been sick for over a week now, so I have not been out of the house much except to go to doctor's appointments. Knowing it would be hard for me to do something kind for someone (without exposing them to this yucky flu; and let's face it that would not be kind AT ALL!!) I contacted Angie on Friday and told her I wanted to do something for one of her commenters on this post. So we randomly chose a number (thank you Emma) and commenter #22 was picked! So, Ines from Baby Fionn will be getting a necklace from me. I know it is not an anonymous act, but it is something from my heart that I hope she will appreciate! Great job to all those who participated. Let's not forget to be kind everyday, especially to those we love!

Random Act of Kindness

Angie at Still life with circles is hosting a Good Friday. She is encouraging all of us to do a Random Act of Kindness today. While it is important to be kind everyday, she is challenging us to go the extra step and truly make a difference in someones day. After you have met Angie's challenge, go to this post and leave her a comment telling about the Random Acts of Kindness you performed today (or tomorrow :).

Remembering

Thinking of my sweet angels...

and yours, tonight and always...

Missing and loving you Sophia & Ellie. xoxo

Story Time

Yesterday I was reading the story Stell.aluna to my students. For those of you who may not be familiar with this story here is a quick synopsis:

A mother fruit bat has a baby who she loves so much, she names her Stell.aluna. The mother is flying through the night sky with her baby and along cones an owl and flies into them. Mother can not hold onto Stell.aluna and she falls below. However, Stell.aluna didn't fall to the ground, she fell into a bird's nest with 3 baby birds. The mother bird allows Stell.aluna to stay and treats her like the rest of her babies. A while later, after Stell.aluna has grown a bit, she meets some other bats. After hearing her story, one of the bats realized that Stell.aluna is her baby that she thought she lost when the owl attacked. Mother and baby are reunited and live happily ever after...yada, yada, yada.

So anyway, I am reading this story and it hits me. Mother fruit bat is reunited with her baby. She wasn't gone forever like my girls are. I will not find them two months from now or two years from now. I hope we will be reunited when my time here is over, but I have to live my life here on Earth without my girls. It took everything I had in me not to run out of the room. I had to hold my tears back and keep my voice from cracking. It as very difficult and brought up a lot of emotions for me.

Today I am home with Emma because she is sick again. I left the movie Stell.aluna for the sub to show to my students so I do not have to relive that story again. I just don' think I could do it. I am happy for mother fruit bat and Stell.aluna, but just still so sad for myself and my girls...and all of you out there who understand.

Sunday, kids, and anger

Last Sunday our family was awoken to the sound of the smoke detectors going off. Not just one, signaling it needs its battery changed, but ALL of them. It was terrifying. I was in bed, Hutch had gone to the couch sometime during the night, and Brady & Emma were on the other side of the house. Hutch & I both ran to the kids who were seriously confused by all the commotion (as were we.) We went outside onto our driveway and put the kids in the car since it was quite chilly that morning. We really did not think there was a fire in the house. We didn't smell smoke or see flames, so we were fairly confidant that the house was okay. After the kids were settled Hutch said he was going to go in to check everything, I said I wanted to go too in case I needed to get anything out of the house. But what was really on my mind was, "If there is a fire I am getting Sophia's & Ellie's box. I have to have their things. they can not be damaged by a fire or smoke. This is all I have left of them and I'll be damned if I am going to let anything happen to all I have left of my girls."

Needless to say, there was no fire, the girls' box was safe and sound right on top of my dresser. However, now I am thinking I need to put in in our safe. I hate the idea of not having the box out where I can see it, but even more I would hate for something to happen to the box while we were away.

Also last Sunday (wow it was an eventful day!) I went and visited with an old friend I used to teach with. She is experiencing some life changing challenges in her marriage right now so even though our grief is different, it is still similar in many ways. We talked for quite a while and it is interesting that we have a lot of the same emotions and reactions to our "losses." I got a good cry out while talking to my friend and I sure felt a lot better afterward. It is so nice that she can comfortably talk to me about my girls and my experience. It really helped my emotional state because the days before this I had been in a pretty foul mood.


I have always talked about Brady and Emma to my students. However this year I am more reluctant to do so. I know the question, "How many kids do you have?" would come up and it did this week. I don't remember what we were talking about, but a student asked the question. Of course I have thought about my answer to this question and my thoughts have been that I would answer truthfully, 4. And if further questions were asked I would simply say that we have 2 of our children here with us and 2 that live in Heaven. Well, the question was thrown out, but for some reason I just didn't feel like answering it. Instead I just ignored it and went on teaching. I am not sure why I did this, I am quite comfortable with my answer, but maybe the timing just wasn't right. I don't know...

I know I haven't finished writing Sophia's & Ellie's story here, I will someday, but it is just so hard. But when we had the girls we decided not to bring Brady and Emma in to see them. I have never regretted this decision. I thought it might be too much for them, too traumatic. After all we did have pictures and the kids have seen these. However, the other night I was putting Emma in bed and we were talking about her sisters. She told me that she wanted to go to the hospital when I had them. I asked her why and she said because she wanted to see her sisters. My heart broke all over again and for the first time I am doubting my decision on not bringing them in to see the girls. I told her we have pictures and we can look at them whenever we want to and she was satisfied with that answer, but I am still doubting my decision.

I have been having a hard time lately, my emotions are all over the place. I have been crying more than I had been and have been sadder than I was. I guess that is just grief's way. The friend I was talking to last week asked if I had experienced all the emotions involved with the grieving process. She asked if I had been angry and really I don't feel that I have been. I don't know who to be angry at. I have been upset with myself for not doing things differently, I have questioned my doctors possibly missing something that was wrong, but I don't blame anyone for my girls' deaths. I sometimes feel like I want to be mad at someone, but I don't know who to be mad at. I know some people become angered at God. I don't think this was something He controlled and made happen, it wasn't part of his "plan" for me. That is just not the way I think, maybe if I did think like that, then I would be angry at Him, but that's not me. So this foulness that I mentioned earlier that comes out of me, maybe that is my anger releasing itself on whoever happens to be there at the moment. I don't know, but mostly I am just really missing my girls.

The Secret Garden Meeting ~ September

What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photo's,videos, websites, support group information and so on.


Journaling and blogging have been constant in my life since losing my girls. I first started a journal because I had to get the thoughts out of my head. I was afraid of forgetting something, so I had to get it all down on paper. Then I turned to blogging. It is such a huge comfort to me to know that there are people out there that understand what I am feeling. It makes my life have a sense of normalcy during this not so normal circumstance. Also this community and all they have to offer amazes me. The first blog I stumbled upon was Carly's Names in the Sand. I could not wait until the day I could submit my name request. I would check many times a day to see if she had opened the requests up. I HAD to have my girls' names written and I cherish them every day. Thank you so much Carly for all you do for us.

Emma's preschool teacher also lost a baby about 15 years ago. She is a Godsend to me. Being able to talk to her and see that she has lived through the agony was comforting. There are also 2 women at my school that have lost babies many years ago. One of them has reached out to me since the school year began, the other I have not spoken to about it. She lost identical twin boys to TTTS about 25 years ago. I wonder if my story hits too close to home for her.

My family and friends helped me tremendously through the first few weeks of losing Sophia & Ellie. They sat with me, cried with me, held me, cleaned my house for me, cooked for me, and basically just loved me and my girls. My husband too was my rock during those early days.

Something else that has helped me is creating jewelry. I love working in their space, the room that was to be their nursery. I love the creative outlet it gives me and it does my heart good to know that maybe I have helped another family remember their baby who was gone too soon. Also, having a piece of jewelry to wear with Sophia's & Ellie's names is very comforting to me.

Another thing that has helped me make it through the very early, very dark days is my living children. I had to get out of bed to be there for them. I had to make their lives feel somewhat normal. I had to still be their mommy. Although there were times when I was not very good at this, it still gave me a purpose, a reason to keep living.

She asked

Well...it happened. There is this mother at school who is on the verge of obnoxious. She is the type to tell you her opinion, yet she doesn't know s*** about anything. I think it was my last day of work before having Sophia & Ellie and she stopped and talked to me and told me I needed to rub some type of oil on my skin to avoid the stretch marks...yada, yada, yada. So I have been avoiding this woman since school started because I just know she will have questions. Well, today it happened. I was walking to my classroom and from a distance she yelled, "How are your babies???" I knew it was coming, I just knew it. This was not really a question I had rehearsed in my mind. I thought for a split second, because well first of all it pisses me off that I even have to think about an answer. "Absolutely Wonderful!" should just pour out of my mouth, yet it can't. And because I really didn't know what to say. I replied, "They're not with us. I had them early and they didn't make it." Of course she apologized and I went on. Great way to start my morning huh?!

The past few days have been hard at work. My girls are always on my mind and the tears have been coming, but I have to stop and keep it all together because there are 21 second graders in the room staring at me. I hate that I can't cry when I need to or just walk outside to get a little fresh air. I am so resentful that I have to be there everyday. (I know you all are probably really tired of hearing that from me, I know my husband is!!!) However, I feel like this life experience has given my new found patience with my students. Really, does it matter that they aren't all on the right page right now, does it matter that they cut the paper the wrong way?? The answer is no, these minor things don't matter to me because there are other things that matter so much more than this, and you all know what, I mean who, they are.

Tomorrow is 5 months since seeing my beautiful babies. I can't believe I have lived this long without them. I miss them so much and just wonder what it would be like. What it would be like to have them here, both of them. I know what it is like to have a singleton, but wow...twins! I could hardly wait...I love chaos! By the way, have you ever noticed how often the word twins is spoken? I think I hear it nearly everyday, actually several times a day, in casual conversations, especially working with kids, on television, from my Emma. It hurts every time.

So, tomorrow I will be going to the cemetery to take my girls some flowers and visiting my sweet ones. Hutch's grandma went a couple weeks ago. I love this woman...she may be elderly, but she is very acute. She has a sixth sense about things. She has dreams regarding the sexes of babies in the family, and she is always right. In fact when we had Brady, we were told he was a girl, she dreamt he was a boy, and you know who was correct! Anyway, she told Hutch that when she was visiting Sophia's & Ellie's grave she could feel their presence, they were there. I know this sounds awful, but when she dies I want her to be with my babies. As bad as that sounds, I know I could tell her that and she would understand.

Happy five months little girls, happy five months! xoxoxo

Random Ramblings

I am trying to find a balance. A balance between working full time, being a mother to my living children, keeping up with all the blogs I read, and still grieving for the loss of my sweet Sophia & Ellie. I am really finding it difficult to work all these things into just 24 hours every day. I haven't been able to post because I just don't have the time, plus I haven't had a lot to say. So here is an update of the past week:


Within the last several days questions have arose. Emma has a new dance teacher and we were talking one day. She asked me how many children I have at home. It was really odd the way she worded it...almost like she maybe knew all too much about the loss of a child and therefore chose her words carefully. I told her we have 2 children with us, Emma and her brother Brady, and we left it at that. But I am still wondering why she asked the way she did.


I was talking to a boy on the playground a few days ago, he is in first grade and I had his brother in my class a couple years ago. This boy, J, was saying that his brother, M, talks about my babies. I asked J what M says about them and he say M wonders what they look like. They don't know they are not here with me. Clearly, they don't know. Their mother is a nurse and I believe she is a NICU nurse in another city. I think that if she knew what happened with the girls, she would have explained to M & J my loss. I just smiled though and thought of my beautiful little girls, because I am so glad that I had the opportunity to see them, hold them, and kiss them, even if it was for just a day.


Friday all the Kindergartners had a little picnic at school. Emma has a classmate whose brother was in my class a couple years ago. I was talking to their mother and she asked me about my other kids. I told her about Brady and she asked about the baby. I explained that we had twins in April, but they were born prematurely and didn't survive. She of course apologized.


So the questions and comments are popping up here and there. I didn't get overly emotional with any of these conversation. I kind of feel bad for that. I feel like maybe I should have teared up, but I didn't. I love and miss my girls so very, very much, and I know I am not done grieving, nor will I ever be. However, I think I have spent so much time preparing myself for these conversations that I was ready to answer them, well as ready as one can be when talking about their dead babies.


I went to Costco again yesterday. I walked through the store in tears knowing I won't be buying Christmas gifts for Sophia & Ellie. It just breaks my heart that they are not here. I wish they were and I was whole again. I am not sure why Costco has this effect on me, maybe it is because they are the first to get seasonal merchandise out, or maybe because I know I would be buying diapers there. I just don't hope they change my name on my membership card to read: Crazy Lady!!

Earlier this week, Jenna's mommy, Franchesca made a Hope Collage for Sophia & Ellie. You can see it in my side bar on the left. It is amazing and she does it out of the kindness of her heart. I sent her several words that come to mind when I am thinking of my girls and she put them together in this collage. It is just another reminder of my sweet girls and of how wonderful this community is. Thank you Franchesca!!!

Today is 21 weeks and 1 day since losing Sophia & Ellie. They have been gone for the exact amount of time they were with us. The time without them seems so much longer when compared to the short amount of time we had with them safe within my womb. I love you sweet girls. xo

Secrets

Hutch and I returned from the beach on Monday and things have been crazy busy ever since, so I haven't had time to write about our time away. Our trip was nice and quiet. We really didn't do much of anything. We didn't have anything planned, but I just wanted to be away. I wanted to be able to talk about Sophia & Ellie without interruptions or questions, I wanted to just be alone with my thoughts, I wanted to get a massage, I wanted to go for walks on the beach and just look at the waves, I wanted to talk about what our future held. Our trip was very quiet, but these "plans" I had were interrupted.

You see, I had been keeping a secret, only for a few days, but still a secret from everyone. Hutch & I were the only ones who knew. Here it is...I was pregnant. Tuesday, September 1st, I got a positive on my pregnancy test. Wednesday morning we confirmed the positive with a blood test. Our time at the beach was for our girls, but also to talk about this new life we had created.

Friday, the day we arrived, I started spotting. Not much at first, but then by that evening I was bleeding. So you see, on my girls' due date, on labor day weekend, I lost my 8th baby, our 6th loss. We found out on Tuesday, and by Friday it was gone, the hope was gone.

My heart is hurting, but not so much for this baby as for my girls because if they were here, I would not be doing this again. If they were here, I would be happy and carefree and not this sad person that I am. I know that may sound callus, and I am sad for this baby that will never be, I hope he or she has joined their siblings, all 5 of them, in the stars. But I did not let myself get too hopeful with this pregnancy. I had an appointment set up with by OB, Dr. U, on Wednesday and was anxious to see what she said. We were trying to stay positive, but when you have had so many shitty things happen to you, it is hard to be positive. But we were trying, and with that brings hope. I had marked on my calender the 40 weeks of this pregnancy. Why did I do that? Oh yeah, because I was trying to stay positive.

So, Saturday morning we did not get up and go for a walk on the beach. We got up and walked into the ER where I was told to stay on bed rest. We took it easy, but I knew this life was gone, the baby would not be, so we still managed to go out here and there. The weekend was definitely not what I was hoping for, losing another baby has really brought us down. Not so much in the sense that we are devastated because of the loss, like I said, we were trying to be positive, but were realistic with the possibilities. But I just felt like this put more on our plates. It gave us another thing to deal with. Quite frankly, I do not need anything else to deal with. Maybe I need to let the higher powers of this universe in on that. So to you higher powers, "My plate is full, in fact it is overflowing, DO NOT put anything else on it or it will break...I will break. I need a break..."

Anyway, I am not sure if any of what I just wrote makes sense at all, but I am sure some of you understand what I am saying.

On a lighter note, I received a very special package yesterday. On our last trip to the beach we visited a gallery that makes hand prints in ceramic. We had Brady's and Emma's done and I wanted one for the girls too. The owners Hedy & Ross were so wonderful to work with and they created the perfect piece to help us remember our girls. Here is a picture, I will post another once I hang it with the others.

A very dear friend of mine had some flowers made for Sophia & Ellie. I wanted something to put in the yard that I don't have to worry about. I am not very good at remembering to water things...She brought me these when we returned from our trip. The fronts have Sophia's & Ellie's names and the backs say, "Forever in our hearts, sweet angel baby. 4-25-09" They are perfect and I will find the perfect spot for them. Thanks Jen!!!



Also, I want to say thank you to those of you who lent me so much support last weekend. Getting through Sophia's and Ellie's due date was difficult for me on many levels. I received several e-mails, texts, and fb messages from IRL friends/family and I received many comments with words of encouragement from you who read my blog. Thank you to all of you. I could not do this without your love and support.

Getting here

Before leaving on Friday, I wanted to take flowers out to the the girls at the cemetery. I stopped at Costco to get the flowers and decided to take a look around. As I am walking in, I hear one of the employees talking on the radio. He was telling someone that another employee had to leave due to a family emergency. You know where my thoughts went. What kind of emergency? Is it the worst imaginable kind? Did his baby die? I truly hope not and I realize there are numerous other "emergencies" that could have made this employee go home, but these were my thoughts, this is what an emergency is to me now.


So I go on, walking down the aisles. It being Costco and September, of course they have some Christmas items out. I am looking at the things and it hits me. I should be buying Christmas gifts for Sophia & Ellie this year, but I won't be. There is nothing I can buy for them because they are not here. So the tears are there, I keep walking. I turn the corner and there is a family. The mother is wearing her very young infant in a carrier. It really hits me. My girls should be here.


I keep going and decide I might need a book to read while on our trip. I am looking at a book by Wally Lamb trying to decide if it would be good to read this weekend. I look down at the stack and sitting right next to it is The Shack that I have read so much about. So I put Wally's book back and decide maybe this is what I need to read. (FYI: I haven't read any of it yet...)

Now on to the flowers. I find a very sweet bunch of pink roses of varying types. I decide these will be perfect for my sweet girls. I have what I need, so with tears in my eyes I go on to checkout. A young man helps me and asks how my day is. I want to tell him my day f***ing sucks, that I should have 2 babies with me, I should be here buying diapers and wipes, not flowers to take to their grave. But of course I say, "Fine, thank you." He scans all my items and a woman is helping him box things up. When she gets to the roses she stops and looks at them. She slowly brings them to her nose and smells them. As she is doing this, the tears well. I am hoping she will not comment about them or ask what they are for because I know I will no longer be able to hold them back. She gently lays the roses in the cart and doesn't ask, whew, I was relieved. I finished the transaction, not making eye contact with anyone, hoping they will not see my eyes filled with tears and think I am a lunatic, not that I care if they think I am a lunatic, but...you know.


So I made it out of Costco and went on to the cemetery. As I was driving up I could see a canopy set up in Babyland, where my girls are buried. I knew this meant another baby had died and the service was being held that day. I was worried they might have my girls' grave covered and I wouldn't be able to leave the flowers, but it wasn't. I made my way to their spot and started breaking off the stems of the flowers so they will fit in the vase. As I am doing this a butterfly lands on one of the roses and visits for a while before flying away. This made me smile. thank you girls for sending me a visitor. I finish placing the flowers and cleaning off their marker and say my goodbyes. It makes me very sad to see another family will be burying their baby soon too.


So we arrived at the beach Friday afternoon and have been enjoying the peace and quiet and cooler weather. It has been hard getting through this date, their due date, but I am managing. I have much more to post, but I will wait until later. Thank you for thinking of us and our girls this weekend, it comforts me to know you are out there.

Labor Day

Today is the day...September 4, 2009. My due date with my girls. It is also Labor Day weekend and the one thing I won't be doing is laboring. I know that I would not have gone to term with my girls. I know they would have been born long ago, but it still hurts. Knowing they are not here with me just hurts.


Hutch & I are going to the beach again for the weekend. This time without the kids. We thought about taking them, but decided against it. I just want to be able to be sad, to cry, to be angry and not have to worry about them seeing me fall apart. I try not to have complete meltdowns in front of them very often.


Although I wish we were going for very different reasons, I am looking forward to some time away. I have been so overwhelmed lately, and I think some down time will be good for my heart and soul. Now if I could just have some little fairies come and do the cleaning, laundry, and shopping while I am gone...



Dearest Sophia & Ellie,
Mommy loves you girls and will be thinking of you all weekend, just like always. I so wish you were here with us right now. I know you would both be such a wonderful addition to our family. We miss you and love you sweet ones.
xo,
Mommy

Jet

I can't believe it has happened. I thought there was no way...it couldn't happen again, not three times. My heart is broken for Mirne & Craig. Like so many of us, I do not know them IRL, but I have prayed for them and thought about them as they have traveled this path. I feel so helpless. I need to do something for them. This is all I can do...

I know it will not ease their pain, but as I have said before, it is something tangible that they can wear and touch. It is a way for Mirne to wear the love she has for all of her babies.

I need to send this to Mirne & Craig as soon as possible, however I do not have their address. Please, if anyone has it, or Mirne & Craig, if you happen to be reading, please e-mail (hutchtina@bak.rr.com) me an address where I can send this.

You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight and forever baby Jet.

Honest Scrap Award

I have been given the Honest Scrap Award by Surviving Baby: Confessions of an Aspiring Mommy and from Christy at A Piece of the Pearsons ! Thanks to you both! Here are the rules:

1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs who you find brilliant in content or design.

2. Show the 7 winners’ names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they have won the Honest Scrap award.

I hope none of you have already been chose, if so, SORRY!!!

1. Mary Beth @ 3 Pairs of Feet

2. Krista @ J & K

3. Kerry @ Making Coyne

4. Amanda @ What's Cooking...or Not!!!

5. Lauren @ Green Family

6. Rachel @ Waiting for Morning

7. Rikki @ My Forever Family

3. List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

This is going to be tough after reading so many other people's interesting posts. Sorry if it is a little boring, but I guess my life has been pretty normal!

1. I know my credit card number. I can recite it from memory along with the expiration date and 3 digit security code too. I guess that just means that I shop a little too much online!

2. I am super clumsy. My brother constantly made fun of me for this when we were young, actually he still does!!! Oddly enough though, I have never had stitches or a broken bone (except a toe here and there.)

3. I teach at the same school I attended and now my living children go there too. It was kind of weird going back there at first, I even work with several of the teachers who taught me!

4. My husband and I started dating when I was 17. We got married when I was almost 22 and we had Brady when I was 23. After 18 years of being together I still love him...usually!

5. I completed a half marathon a couple years ago. I barely trained for this as we were right in the middle of selling a house, buying a house, and remodeling a house, so needless to say it wasn't a priority. However, I completed it in under 3 hours and received my Tiffany's necklace at the end!

6. I enjoy cooking, but have done very little of it since losing Sophia & Ellie. Now that I am back at work I have just started cooking regularly again since we are back into a routine.

7. I did not plan on being a teacher in college even though I always played school when I was little. My degree is in Business Administration with a concentration in Finance. Sometimes I am still not sure of my choices here.

8. I often eat the same foods over and over again until I get tired of them. Then I will start on something else until I get tired of that. Then I go back to the previous foods...and the cycle begins again!

9. I don't really enjoy talking on the phone very much. Actually I am not a big talker IRL at all. I listen A LOT and take things in, but I figure if I don't have something important to add, then I just don't really need to say anything.

10. If you read my last post you know I make jewelry. But I also try to sew. I am not very good at it, but I still like doing it...sometimes. My sister-in-law is a wonderful seamstress, but I don't think I will ever be as good as her. I also make hair bows, tutus, and photo cards. I wish I was good at photography, painting, and drawing, but I guess a girl can't have it all!

That's it...I warned you it was going to be boring!

My Therapy

Immediately after losing Sophia & Ellie I wanted so badly to have a piece of jewelry to represent them. Two days after delivering them I was home alone for a short time. I went into my craft room, stamped their names on a disc, and after a couple revisions, I came up with this:

It is a necklace made from a silver disc with their names' stamped around the bottom. I have since purchased angel wings to stamp in the center, but I haven't had the courage to do it yet in fear of ruining it. I wear this necklace often and when I do I feel closer to my girls. For me it is something tangible; something I can see and touch; I think of it as a way for me to wear the love I have for my babies.

Since then, I have designed a few other pieces with their initials, and I wear one of the three necklaces nearly everyday. After making my first piece I decided I wanted to make my jewelry available to others; to other bereaved parents like me, and also to parents who do not know my pain; our pain.

A couple months ago I began selling my designs on etsy. I do not want it to seem as if I am trying to solicit my merchandise to anyone, but I think others like me may maybe interested in a piece. If you are, you can check it out at http://www.mamamiatina.etsy.com/. If not, that is okay too (I could never make a living in sales :) this has just become a very big part of my life because it is something I truly enjoy. It brings me peace and comfort and every time I make one, I think of my beautiful girls. I tell everyone it is my therapy.

I hope I have not offended anyone in this post. It is something I have thought about writing for quite some time, but was afraid I would turn some people off because they might think I am trying to make money from their loss. I wish I could send every babylost mama out there a piece of my jewelry to represent their babies, however that is not financially feasible; once I win the lottery though, that is what I will do!!

The Secret Garden Meeting

The Secret Garden is a place that is only open for bereaved parents. It is our garden, our secret place to come to. A place to remember our children with those who understand us. It is a place to just be, without worry or fear of not being accepted.

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like. Did you have it ready for them before they were born? If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby? Did you pack it all away? What is your baby's room now? If you lost your baby after they had come home what is it like going into there room now? If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?

We had decided where we would put our babies, but we never had the chance to get it ready for them. When we purchased our house it was a foreclosure. An addition had been started off of our bedroom, but was never completed. We finished it in November and it was to be my craft room. We found out I was pregnant at the end of December, then found out we were having twins in March. After realizing we were having two babies, we decided the craft room would be the perfect nursery!

I was so busy before having the girls, so we hadn't had a chance to get started on their room. Of course I had LOTS of ideas swirling around in my head, but non of the them were ever executed.

The room is still being used as my craft room and I love being in there. When I am working on a project (which brings me to my next post) I always think of my sweet Sophia & Ellie.

We are TTC again. I have mixed emotions about setting up a room for the next baby if we are so lucky to have another. I hate to not be prepared for ANYTHING, but at the same time I know how badly it will hurt me to have a room set up with no baby to put in it. I guess we will cross that bridge when it comes, but I can see myself setting it up because I tend to err on the side of optimism. I do not think I want to use my craft room for another child. I feel that it is Sophia's and Ellie's room. I almost feel like putting another baby in "their" room would be a betrayal of some sort. Again, I guess we will cross that bridge when it comes, if we are so fortunate.

I have things lying around the house that belong to my girls, and they are still in the exact place as when we lost them. I am unable to move them, to put them away. Sometimes I will look at these items, but I mostly just like knowing they are there. I guess because it makes them real to me. I even have a book about multiples I was reading, oh how I loved reading that book, and it is still in my car...I just can't take it out.

If you build it they will come...

Last week was a very sad week for me. Getting ready to start another school year while I should be home with my babies really got me down. Also, the unwanted changes in my employment status were very hard for me to cope with...None of this was in my "plan."

Today was the first day with the students. I have to say that I was SOOO busy getting ready for the day that I really didn't have time to think about much. I made it through the school day without tears. I ran into a couple parents and many students from last year and I got lots of hugs, but no one asked about the babies...Until recess. A little girl asked me if I had the twins. Without even thinking I answered that I had them, but they were born too early and died and now they are in Heaven. I think I had gone over this question so many times in my head that I was really prepared for it, well as prepared as one can be. There were some other girls around so more questions came: Were they boys or girls? When did you have them? Why did they die? What were their names? The little girl that first asked about my girls kept saying, "That is so sad." I just agreed with her and said, "Yes, it is very sad." Really though I think I did well and answered their questions with dignity and grace.

On a happier note, today was Emma's first day of kindergarten!!! She was so excited! She is going to the school I teach at and I absolutely loved seeing her throughout the day. It totally put a smile on my face every time I saw her. After school, her teacher told me that there is a girl named Ellie in their class. Emma told her that she has a sister named Ellie. Now when I heard this, the tears came to my eyes. I mentioned to her teacher that Sophia and Ellie and a very big part of Emma's life. She talks about them often and she always draws pictures of them and writes their names. I don't want her to be discouraged from doing this, and I know her teacher will accept Emma's sister for who and where they are.

I want to thank you all for the encouraging comments you left me about returning to work. I know so many of you have walked this path before me and I am comforted to hear your words. Today was better than I had expected. We will see what tomorrow brings; it will be 4 months since losing Sophia & Ellie. I am sure it will be another very busy day, but I know my girls will be on my mind.

I love you sweet girls!

I Will Do My Best

This week has been rough. After nearly 4 months, I have gone back to work. Not only am I back to work, but I am now working full time. Since having Emma, I have only worked part time and it has been so great for our family. Well, due to my administrators, I am being forced into working full time. This is not a decision I agree with, I am not happy about it...at all, and I fought it very hard, but I did not win. I will not go into detail here, just in case someone IRL stumbles upon my blog. I am very angry and resentful that these people can not see my need to stay part time considering the circumstances...I better stop writing about them or else this post will get VERY UGLY!!

So, everyday on my way to work I am in tears thinking about the two reasons I should not be going there...I should be home with my Sophia & Ellie right now. I wasn't planning on going back to work in August, I should be on maternity leave. So I cry pretty much the entire way to work. I get there and keep to myself. I talk to as few people as possible. Today however, we had meetings and I had to be with the entire staff. People are carrying on, enjoying each other's company, catching up, etc. And I am just sitting there trying to hold back the tears, worrying about what will be said to set me off. I made it through the first meeting, barely. I had to listen to my administrator talk about how the staff is one big family, yadayadayada.

A few people asked how I was, hugged me, and were sympathetic to my situation. Others seemed oblivious, like they have forgotten. Last time they saw me I looked full term, so it is not like it could have slipped their minds. Others just stayed away. It hurts though, it is the absence of their words that hurts. I don't know why it is so hard for people just to say, "How are you holding up?" or "Are you doing okay?" Again, some people did, but most said nothing.

Monday will be the real test. It is officially the first day of school. I am not sure if I will be able to make it through the day without crying in front of the students. I feel sorry for these poor kids in my class. Their teacher is unstable. Not only did her babies die, but she is being treated very poorly and is very unhappy. All I can do is my best, but my best today is different than it was 4 months ago.