Random Thoughts

Thursday was 2 months since losing the girls. A few days after the delivery Emma drew a couple pictures for them. One was a picture of her, Sophia, and Ellie with I heart u written on it and the other was of Sophia, Ellie, and Jesus with 1 heart u. Hutch told her we could send them up to Heaven on balloons for them. Well, we hadn't actually done this yet. There were a few times we had planned on it, but it just didn't work out for what ever reason. So we decided to do it on this special day, June 25th, 2 months since having them.

After dinner, Hutch went the store and got a dozen balloons, 6 pink and 6 purple. We attached Emma's 2 pictures and a letter I too had written to Sophia & Ellie. Brady & Emma each wrote a messages on a balloon. Then we went out in our backyard and blew our angels some kisses and released the balloons. It was enjoyable to watch the balloons scatter and then find each other up in the sky. We all stayed out back and watched as the balloons flew away until we could no longer see them .

It is so hard to believe that it has been 2 month since having them. Right now I should be 30+ weeks pregnant and getting ready to deliver some time soon. It is so maddening to not know what went wrong. Was it my body or was TTTS to blame? I have asked my OB and she says TTTS was never diagnosed (which I knew), but from what I have read it can develop rather quickly. On one hand I would like to have this syndrome to blame because if not, then all I have to blame is my body. And it is so hard to accept the fact that my body failed my babies. These babies that I so loved and wanted, but my body could not handle. What does that say about me as a mother? I know this is not my fault and I am not seeking someone to blame, I just wish I had answers, or maybe I don't...

Hutch & I went to the cemetery on Tuesday. As we were driving up, something looked different to me. I started walking to where Sophia & Ellie are buried and there it was, their headstone. It had been a real crappy day, so seeing this for the first time lifted my heart a little bit. I now have something to see instead of a patch of grass when I go to visit. We could tell the headstone had just been set that day and it made me thankful that I was there to see it the day it had been laid.

On our way out there Hutch was saying he can't believe that it has only been two months and that it feels like forever ago since that awful day. I told him that sometimes to me it feels like yesterday. Sometimes, especially lately, the pain is so fresh and raw and it just hurts so much that it feels like it just happened.

Thanks for "listening" to my rambling, I just has lots of little things to share.