Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Not Closure...

This excerpt is from an e-Mail that I received from the March of Dimes Share Community. The title of the article is Getting Through Guilt and it is written by Liza Gene Cooper, LMSW Director, March of Dimes NICU Family Support. If you would like to read the whole article the link is below:!discloc=.ef6199f

Guilt, as Grief First, and perhaps most important for all mothers to know, is that these painful, isolating feelings of guilt are normal. They are also incredibly common. It is one of the most acute (and unspoken) emotions of grief. Women may think “What did I do wrong to deserve this?” or focus on how they think they have disappointed their partners, families and themselves. When something goes contrary to what we expect – especially something we place so much importance on, like the birth of a child – we grieve. We grieve for what could have been, we grieve for what we have lost. And grief has a number of common feelings and stages including shock and denial; sorrow and depression; anger and rage; guilt and blame; and ultimately, for many – not closure, as it was once called (who can have “closure” on the loss of a child?), but instead integration or the weaving of a loss – the tenderness, the pain – into a person’s heart, into their very being, into how they live their lives and how they move forward. And so guilt comes as part of this powerful and very natural process.

When I first read this article the part highlighted in pink really made a difference for me. It states that I am not looking for closure, but a way to live my new life that includes my precious girls. I don't need to "move on" from grieving, instead I need to learn how to incorporate Sophia & Ellie into my existence. I don't know if any of you will get the same meaning out those words, but it has been something that has stuck with me since first reading it. And I like to think about my life without my girls in this way. I don't want to move on, I want to include them in all I do. They are a part of me and always will be.


  1. I'm happy you found words that can help you.
    Take care and God Bless.

  2. I waited for things to get back to 'normal' for a long time. I finally figured out I had a new normal to live with. Our babies are always with us, and I try to see the gift Gabriel has given me. I've made some close friends I would never have met, I've discoverd things about myself I'd never have known.

    Emily from Stepping Stones

  3. I see grief as this big black circle all encompassing at first, taking over then as time goes by the black circle is still there but just a enveloped around your heart, never closure - I agree with that statement but a new way of living and integrating our love within our lives...

  4. Hi Tina - I noticed that you just started following my blog, so I came to check out your story... I am so saddened to read that you so recently lost your sweet girls. I don't understand why this happens so often and always to such loving parents/families. It's just not fair.

    I love your girls' names too... Sohpia and Ellie. I have been thinking that if I am blessed with another girl, that I'd name her Ella.

    Please let me know if there is anything that I can do/help with.


  5. Tina,

    What you read and wrote is so very true. If you saw my house you would know my triplets existed even if you didn't know about them beforehand. I keep them everywhere. I keep pictures up, their urn is front and center on our mantle. At Christmas they have stockings (again front and center). I hang large snowflakes from the house out front for every family member and they all have one too. They will not be forgotten. I am so glad you are finding the support and strength to find your new normal.

    Much love,

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  7. Trying again, without typos this time.

    Hello Tina,
    I'm so very, very sorry that you lost your beautiful twin daughters, Ellie and Sophia. As Lauren says above, your girls have gorgeous names. I think that the sentences you have highlighted in pink are very true. I've been struggling with this one a bit. I agree, I don't think you ever really 'get over' losing a child. I think that losing my daughter has changed me profoundly. I can never go back. But she will always be with me. Just like Sophia and Ellie will always be with you. They are a part of you, just as you say.

  8. I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved baby girls Ellie and Sophia. What a tribute this website is to them and to the beautiful mother that you are.

    Liza Gene Cooper, March of Dimes