Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I know, it happened to me too...

Okay, I do not mean to hurt anyone or take away form anyone else's pain, but I am so tired of people telling me that their miscarriage is in some way the same as me losing my girls. It is not the same. I have had three miscarriages and none of them in anyway compare to what I physically and emotionally endured when losing Sophia and Ellie. I felt my girls moving inside of me, I bonded with them for 21 weeks, I gave BIRTH to them, held their perfect little bodies in my arms, and kissed their sweet heads. I had to make choices about their remains that no parent should ever have to do...this WAS NOT a miscarriage and for one to say they know my pain because they too had a miscarriage is simply not true!

I sympathize with those out there who have suffered miscarriages. I know it is hard, I've been there and I am sorry for your loss too. It is definitely a loss. I don't mean to sound callus or insensitive but I have been on both sides of the fence and while they are both difficult in their own ways, they are not the same.

I hope no one has taken offense to this post (how arrogant for me to assume you are even reading it :) but I just had to vent...


  1. I have been told the same thing, and felt the same way. It's not the same, both are sad, but people seem to try to 'one-up' you in regards to tradgedy. A very unexpected lesson learned in this journey.
    Been reading...xo
    Much Love
    (Sorry for your terrible loss of your babies)

  2. Hi, Tina,

    I just wrote you on Lambs. I am so, so sorry to hear of your losing little Sophia and Ellie. It is just heartbreaking. I lost our triplets eleven weeks ago now, and it hurts horribly. It is frustrating to me, too, when people say, "I had a miscarriage," or, "I lost one, too," seemingly lumping all losses into the same mold, the same hurt. First, there is the element of gestation - 8 weeks is not 18 weeks is not 28 weeks - and I also think it is very different to lose one baby than to lose two or three. We lost three - an entire family. Just the same, I try to be grateful for someone trying to reach out, trying to provide solace and hope. It is not the same, but if someone says that to me, it means they have hurt, too. And for that, I am sorry.

    I hope you continue to heal and your heart finds peace. Thinking of you...
    xoxo to you.

  3. I am 21 weeks pregnant with identical twin boys. I have seen them through the fetal scope as the doctor performed laser ablation to separate their shared blood vessels. I knew that if the surgery didn't work, and we lost them, I would be delivering my beautiful boys, and have to arrange services for them. I have been blessed so far, and both boys have survived the surgery and appear to be healing. And all I can do is pray that they continue to heal and grow.

    I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you, and I pray for your peace and comfort.

  4. i have had the same hun,
    i have had 4 miscarrages and i have also lost bryce, what really got me upset was my step sister lost a baby at 7 or 8 weeks and said to me "that she knew exacly what i was going threw"
    and i felt liek saying no you dont, you hvnt had to bury your child, or anyhtign like that,
    so i understand when you are coming frm,
    it is sad when ANY child has been taken from this earth,

  5. You are so right~ a miscarriage is NOT the same as having to deliver and hold and bury your precious babies.

    Maybe those that say that are just trying to say that they are not someone who has not experienced any loss so they can relate a TINY bit~ not that they are trying to say it is the same. At least I hope that it is why they would say something like that.

    I am so sorry for your loss- I truly am. It is not fair that ANY mommy does not get to love their babies for the rest of their lives. It is just not right.

    Hugs and prayers from a stranger....

    ps. You are an amazing writer!

  6. I just wanted to say that I've had 2 miscarriages and I don't think that my losses are the same as yours. We both know what it is to lose something, but I can't imagine having to bury my babies. I have no children yet, but I pray I never have to do that! I've decided through all of this that it is so much better to tell someone that you are sorry, than to try and relate yourself to them. I just wanted people (and still do), to say they're sorry, not try to relate. Everyone's pain is different, you don't have to relate. I'm so sorry for your losses. I've always dreamed of twins and could never imagine losing two at once.

  7. I'm so sorry! I know, the same bothered me too! I lost my identical twin girls, Emmerson and Vivienne on June 30, 2011. It sucks! We had developed Twin-Twin Transfusion Syndrome. We did everything to save them! I had surgery to correct the blood vessels in the one placenta they shared but it just wasn't enough. 12 hours after the surgery, I went into labor. 12 hours after labor had started, I delivered Emmerson. Alive! She lived for an hour and ten minutes. 12 1/2 hours exactly, I delivered Vivienne. It sucks! It is hard! Any advice? I blog too as a way to help me heal. Help me vent. I'm at if you are interested.