Hutch is out of town tonight. Someone that I am very close to, I will call this person "M," called and asked the kids and me to go to dinner with them. They were going to a place that we used to frequent very regularly. Well, the people at this restaurant knew I was pregnant with twins and they do know we lost Sophia and Ellie, but we have not been there since. Now, "M" is WONDERFUL in every way and has been by side from day one of this journey, but here is how the rest of the conversation went:
Me: Oh, I don't know if I want to go there.
M: Why?
Me: Because I haven't been yet.
M: So...
Me: So?!?!
I could not believe that she said, "So!" I know she did not mean to hurt me, but she did. She has no idea what it is like to lose a child. She was pregnant three times and has three healthy children. She would be mortified if she knew that I was writing about this and she would be just as mortified if she knew that she hurt me. I have already forgiven her, but it just feels like maybe she is already forgetting the pain I am in.
In reality I just don't think other people understand how hard it is to go to places like this after our loss. Places where everyone knows our story, places where we envisioned we would one day go with our new babies, places where people will look at us and there will be awkward silences even though we want them to say something to us about our loss, to recognize that we have two more children, and to say they are sorry if nothing else. People who have not suffered like us just don't understand.
Please tell me there are others that feel this way too, I can not be alone in this...Right?!?!?
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1 week ago
I too, am avoiding places where people knew our story- and I feel like a fraud for some reason- being no longer pregnant- like somehow I was tricking them before... NO YOU ARE NOT ALONE...I am still working out all this myself...
ReplyDeleteI have this problem too. I lost my son on June 1st, 2009 and all I want to do is hide in the quiet of my own home.
ReplyDeleteyes, i too have this problem, and i've remedied it by leaving town! i just hated the thought of running into people who didn't hear the news yet, so for the first month i hardly left the house. then i just decided to go to chicago and visit family and hide, run away. and no, our friends don't mean to hurt our feelings, they simply can't fathom what we are going through and the loss isn't always on their minds so they say things with the impression that everything is okay. but i think it's important to let people who are close to you know that they are hurting your feelings sometimes. they don't know how to handle this either. (sorry for rambling!)
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