Hutch is out of town tonight. Someone that I am very close to, I will call this person "M," called and asked the kids and me to go to dinner with them. They were going to a place that we used to frequent very regularly. Well, the people at this restaurant knew I was pregnant with twins and they do know we lost Sophia and Ellie, but we have not been there since. Now, "M" is WONDERFUL in every way and has been by side from day one of this journey, but here is how the rest of the conversation went:
Me: Oh, I don't know if I want to go there.
Me: Because I haven't been yet.
I could not believe that she said, "So!" I know she did not mean to hurt me, but she did. She has no idea what it is like to lose a child. She was pregnant three times and has three healthy children. She would be mortified if she knew that I was writing about this and she would be just as mortified if she knew that she hurt me. I have already forgiven her, but it just feels like maybe she is already forgetting the pain I am in.
In reality I just don't think other people understand how hard it is to go to places like this after our loss. Places where everyone knows our story, places where we envisioned we would one day go with our new babies, places where people will look at us and there will be awkward silences even though we want them to say something to us about our loss, to recognize that we have two more children, and to say they are sorry if nothing else. People who have not suffered like us just don't understand.
Please tell me there are others that feel this way too, I can not be alone in this...Right?!?!?
3 hours ago