Monday, July 20, 2009

Good Grief

I have debated about writing this post in fear of being judged, but I have decided to go ahead and do it, surely someone else out there has felt this way too.

This past week I have been in a weird place, a good place I think, but weird. I don't feel as consumed with sadness. I still miss my girls immensely and cry everyday for losing them, but I am also able to do other things and be somewhat happy. My heart still hurts, but does not feel as heavy as it previously did.

Okay, here is the weird part. I feel almost guilty for feeling this way. This Saturday will only be 3 months since losing Sophia & Ellie. I haven't moved on, I still think about them constantly, they will always be a part of my life. But the pain just isn't as intense. Is it normal to feel this way in such a short amount of time???

I don't let my mind take me to that day, April 25th, when we lost them. I can't do it. When I start to think about the events of that day, I start to break down. I am not ready to relive it again (this is why I haven't finished writing my story here.) It just hurts too much.

I have been very busy and occupied with other things, so I wonder if that has something to do with my feelings. Also, I have Brady & Emma to focus on too. They are the reason I get out of bed and leave the house everyday. They have "forced" me to be okay. However, I feel badly for not being in so much pain and as sad as I was a month ago. I feel like if I don't hang on to the intense pain, then I might be letting a piece of my girls go too. I am also wondering if this is just a good period that is lasting a little bit longer and the deep sadness will hit me agian like it has in the past.

I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences on this. I need to know that this is normal (or not), and that others have felt this way too.


  1. Remember that everyone grieves differently and there is no set time table for when you can or can not start feeling better. A year later, I still grieve for my girls, just not at the same intensity as I once did. Don't feel guilty if you feel it is too soon and don't let others dicatate this for you.

  2. I know that it is hard not to but please don't feel guilty Tina. Everyone grieves at their own pace and in their own way. Only you know how to grieve your precious girls, no one else has any right to tell you how to do so.

    Personally, I find that my grief comes in waves. One week I'm fine (and like you feeling guilty for feeling fine!) and the next, I'm back on the floor. But I do have times of feeling alright, I truly do. And, as you describe so well, I also worry that if I let go of the pain I will let go of my daughter.

    I have a lot to be thankful for in my life although I will always grieve the loss of my daughter. The way I sometimes think of it is that I don't want her memory to become something sad and painful. I want to do the best I can for her daddy and her sister. I have to try and live, even if it is without her. If that makes any sense, I'm not explaining myself very well.

    Hugs xx

  3. Do not feel is all normal. Mine comes in waves also. It has been a bit over 2 years and it is worse this summer than it was last summer. Holidays, angelversaries, EDD, etc...they all bring down the flood gates...for me.

    Your daughters KNOW how much you love and miss them. I am sure they are happy to see you have some happy times again too. I try to think about what if my mom lost me...I would NEVER want her to be sad for the rest of her life. I try to remind myself our angels wouldn't want that either. You are making them smile, by smiling yourself!

  4. Sounds normal to me :) Honestly, everyone is different. And, they say, that grief is cyclical. For me, I'm usually "okay" so long as I stay occupied. Things like long drives in the car by myself - not so good. Otherwise. . . I'm proud of myself.

    But I totally get what you're saying about guilt - I think we've all felt it in some way. I think I probably try to fight it by doing tangible, visible things to remind myself that I'm always thinking of our babies -we keep their footprints and frames, and I wear their rings on a chain, for example. So, I know that they're always on my mind. . .even if I'm "doing okay."

    ((Hugs)) to you. And, fwiw - I'm proud of you, too :)

  5. There is no right or wrong. There is no time frame to follow. Each person grieves in their own way and own time. I think that this is a good sign, a blessing from God. You will never ever forget you girls, they know that, but you also have a life to live and their brother & sister to take care of. Don't second guess yourself. Take care & God Bless

  6. I am just 6 months into my grief journey - but I can tell you - I have experienced the same types of feelings...the days where I feel 'okay' (and/or HAVE to be 'okay' to care for our daughter) - and have felt guilty for being okay...I felt an upswing in my mood around the two month mark, and then I let myself give into the grief and spent the 3 month anniversary in bed, unable to function.

    But I believe it to be a very personal journey - with no right/wrong way to go through it...I know that early in my journey, I was dismayed by those further along in the journey and the anger they expressed - I never wanted to be an 'angry' griever. And yet, I have been.

    And I have to agree with two comments bluebird has grief has been very cyclical - and even on the days where I am doing 'okay' - Rose is always there with me...Sophia and Ellie are with you on both the okay and the not so okay okay day does not mean you are letting them go.

    Love to you.

  7. I agree with everyone. Don't ever feel guilty. I'm glad you're having some good days. I do feel grief comes in waves. I know for me, I have good days and bad.
    I finally posted the girls' butterflies on my site. Check it out.

  8. I think what you describe is very 'normal' and healthy- I think that grief ebbs and flows and I'm glad that you are in a peaceful moment- I actually wrote about when I let go of that grief that I held onto so tightly- I too felt like by letting go of my grief I was somehow letting go of him- I know that now not to be true. If you're interested in reading about my experience it is on my Moments of Pause blog under "My Tears" here is a link... hopefully it will work...
    I am so happy that you shared this though as I think that all bereaved mommies go through it- at one time or another...

  9. It's ok. We all grieve differently. There is no reason to beat yourself up for not hurting. I'm sure there will still be some bad days but it's good that you've been letting some sun shine through..
    Love Lindsay

  10. Hey Tina,

    I am so glad you are having these good days, please enjoy them because you never know if it might come back at sometime later. if it doesn't then I will be even happier for you. I agree with everyone, we all grieve differently, nothing is written in stone. Embrace this time and enjoy the time your earthly children, while always remembering your angels watching over you smiling cause they would want Mommy to be happy!

    Hugs, Nan

  11. Don't feel guilty. My grief too comes in waves. I think it is perfectly okay to feel the way you do... the thing about grief is that there is no normal, there is just how you feel, and I don't think anyone in their right mind will judge you for missing your girls, but not being consumed by it all the time. It is hard to not feel guilty sometimes, but hang in there!!!


  12. We are at about the same point in our grief journey (my babies were born and died 14 weeks ago) and I can SO relate to this post. It's something I think about a lot. I feel like I could have written this post myself. Please know that we will never judge you, not those who have been through this.
    Peace to you!

  13. I just lost my son two weeks ago at 22 weeks gestation. I hope to be where you are 3 months from now, because the pain I feel is umbearable. I dont think it is wrong of you to feel the way that you are feeling. Your girls wouldnt want you to be upset. They know that you love them, and they want to see you happy.

    now if only I could tell myself the same thing =)
    cherish every waking moment with the children you do have.

  14. At aroumd the 3 month mark for me i started to have good days mixed in and i would also feel so guilty all the time. i felt like if i was having a good day it ment that i had forgotten about my boys. I would try to force myself to cry and feel bad and i wouldnt do anything that would make me happy. I realise now that it is good to feel happy and that they wouldnt want me to be so unhappy. Now i do anything top try to make myself feel good. After those first few good days i went back to being a mess. 7 months on and it is getting better. i have my good days and bad days but i can get through my days without all the weight on me. I try to kep myself busy alot so i dont have alot of time to think which helps alot. I hope that you stay in this good place and try not to feel guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty about. your girls will be with you forever and i am sure that they are happy that it is getting easier for you.

  15. First time visiting your blog. I'm so sorry about the terrible losses of your daughters. It's really gutwretching. You know, my own conclusion is that the brain has a lot of its own protection mechanisms. One of those is that we don't/can't/shouldn't/won't feel sad all the time. In my own experience, I had about 80% numb, 20% actively sad for quite some time. Nowadays I dip down to horribleness every so often, triggered by who knows what. But it's not constant sadness. I think we're programmed to survive - physically and psychologically. This is how we do it. So, you = normal. :=)

  16. I lost twins too, about 3 months ago. I've been feeling guilty for feeling a little better lately. Especially while on vacation with my son and husband...feeling like my girls deserve more. I actually posted a similar post to yours on my blog not too long ago. It's so hard. Like mother's don't put enough guilt on themselves already...
    We just have to do the best we can, and be there for the family that needs us, I know our angel babies don't want to see us suffering. Perhaps they are trying to help us through, and somehow it's working?

  17. i completely understand. i was terrified of becoming clinically depressed over the death of my baby. i did everything i could to make sure i wsa grieving "appropriately" to ensure timely healing. well, now that i'm able to make it through the day and function, i'm feeling terrible guilt. i'm ashamed sometimes that i'm healing so quickly. this whole new existence is just maddening sometimes.