I have debated about writing this post in fear of being judged, but I have decided to go ahead and do it, surely someone else out there has felt this way too.
This past week I have been in a weird place, a good place I think, but weird. I don't feel as consumed with sadness. I still miss my girls immensely and cry everyday for losing them, but I am also able to do other things and be somewhat happy. My heart still hurts, but does not feel as heavy as it previously did.
Okay, here is the weird part. I feel almost guilty for feeling this way. This Saturday will only be 3 months since losing Sophia & Ellie. I haven't moved on, I still think about them constantly, they will always be a part of my life. But the pain just isn't as intense. Is it normal to feel this way in such a short amount of time???
I don't let my mind take me to that day, April 25th, when we lost them. I can't do it. When I start to think about the events of that day, I start to break down. I am not ready to relive it again (this is why I haven't finished writing my story here.) It just hurts too much.
I have been very busy and occupied with other things, so I wonder if that has something to do with my feelings. Also, I have Brady & Emma to focus on too. They are the reason I get out of bed and leave the house everyday. They have "forced" me to be okay. However, I feel badly for not being in so much pain and as sad as I was a month ago. I feel like if I don't hang on to the intense pain, then I might be letting a piece of my girls go too. I am also wondering if this is just a good period that is lasting a little bit longer and the deep sadness will hit me agian like it has in the past.
I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences on this. I need to know that this is normal (or not), and that others have felt this way too.
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