Monday, July 6, 2009

The Way It Should Be

I was watching a talk show the other day about motherhood. A woman on the show said the worst day of her life was the day she went down to the dealership to buy a minivan. She cried all the way there. What I would give to need that minivan.

The four of us went to lunch the other day and there was a girl there who was probably 19-20 and was pregnant. I couldn't stop looking at her, wondering why she gets her baby and I don't get mine. She probably felt her life was ruined when she found out she was pregnant and I was so excited to be adding to our family. It just seems so unfair. I wanted to go up to her and ask if she wanted to do a trade...I always try to remember that something, anything could still go wrong for these women, I sincerely hope not, I hope they never know my pain. But I no longer live with the naivety that everything will be alright.

On the fourth of July, I kept wondering what we would be doing if we hadn't lost Sophia and Ellie so soon. Would we have stayed home if I were still pregnant, would we have been visiting them in the NICU if they would have stayed with me for just a few more weeks? Oh how I wish I could go back and change things.

Hutch is out of town for work for a few days. This is the first time he has been away for any length of time since losing the girls. I am doing okay, but it was hard to see him go. He shouldn't have left, he should be home taking care of his very pregnant wife, or sitting with his daughters in the NICU. He should not be leaving, things should not be this way.


  1. Tina, I too am struggling with seeing other pregnant women (and yes those young, young girls) and hearing of more that are becoming pregnant and having babies (it feels so in my face constantly at the moment )- and then hearing awful stories on the news about a mother that drowned her twin babies and then overdosed.......and yet we didn't get a choice in keeping our boys- what I would give to have them.

  2. I feel the same way a lot of the time. It's nice to hear others speak my same feelings. July 4th was hard for me because this was the holiday that I was expecting to have all my babies home from the NICU and all be in our new house. Well, my husband and I are in our new house, but it's completely empty without our babies. It was hard to put on a happy face.

    I hope this brings you some peace, but I totally believe that our babies are all together in heaven having a wonderful time together. I'm sure they are good friends by now. :)


  3. Avoid the show- 16 and Pregnant. I despise it, but can't help but watch it. Another one that drives me crazy is Surviving Sextuplets. Why was that lady able to carry 6 babies to 31 weeks and I couldn't even carry 1 that long?

    I hear you. Everything feels so long. I always think about what life would be like had nothing gone wrong. This is my due date week. I should be bringing home my first born Friday.

  4. Wouldn't it be nice to have the answer as to why. I am so sorry for your pain and journey.
    It isn't fair, so many people who could care less have babies left and rigth. Then those who really want, those who would be excellent parents get burned. It is not fair. I pray for your comfort.