After reading your comments and reflecting, I have come to a few conclusions.
I love my girls more than life itself. I miss them as much now as I did the day I lost them. They will forever be a part of my life. I think about them and wonder how our lives would be different if they were here. I wonder what they would look like, act like, smell like.
All of this being said, it is okay for me to be happy and not to be as deeply sad as I was 3 months ago. I am still hurting and grieving for my loss. I will be for a very long time, but I can grieve and still be happy at times. One thing that makes me happy, is knowing that I have these 2 beautiful beings in my life, no longer in my Earthly world, but still in my life. I know I will still have good moments and bad moments, but it is okay if the good outweighs the bad.
Bree posted my girls' butterflies on her blog yesterday. This was such a beautiful surprise to me. When I saw them, a lot of emotions came to the surface and of course I cried. Thank you Bree! I also had a hair appointment yesterday (a much needed appointment I might add.) It was the first time I have been since losing the girls. At first my hair dresser didn't say anything, after several minutes she asked how I was doing. Again, I cried and we talked about my girls for a little bit.
The fact that I still feel so deeply for my girls speaks volumes to me. Knowing that I still cry when I talk about them or think about them lets me know I am still grieving. I think I was afraid that I was "over it" or had "moved on." I just needed some convincing that this wasn't the case. I know I will never be over it and I will never move on (just read my post on my feelings about this) but I think I was just worried that by not being so sad I maybe was doing these things. My mind plays some serious tricks with my heart sometimes.
I think the way I am grieving is healthy. This blog and my journal are my release and having all of your support and reading about all of your experiences is helping me to be a healthy, grieving mommy to my beautiful Sophia & Ellie. Thank you again to all of you!
.jpg)
Tina, you are amazing friend!
ReplyDeleteI too have worried about the same things- and realise my grief is also my own,-and healthy!
I had a hair app last week- my first since losing the boys, it was an emotional experience, but my hairdresser was just lovely :-)
don't be too hard on yourself- I don't think it's possible to ever truly forget your girls....they'll always be in your heart.
sending big hugs 'n kisses to you xx
Yes, I think that your heading is in the right direction for you. The butterflies are so beautiful, she did a great job on them. I think that this blog is the perfect place for all of you. You can share your stories and sorrows. Each persons grief is different but you are connected in a very special way. What would you be doing if you didn't have this blog to air your feelings. How lost would you be?
ReplyDeleteTina, I am glad you are accepting your grief without judgement in whatever shape it takes - even if that means one day it may even be forgotten for a moment. I, too, feared that a lessening in my acute grieving would reflect a lessening of my love for our babies, an indication of forgetting them. For the first month, I did not sleep as I was afraid I would forget. I feared the day that I would realize I did not shed any tears, as it might reflect my expression of grief changing or bring about a guilt the realization would leave in its wake. For the first two months, these fears consumed me. In the nearly two months since then, I have relaxed knowing that I will always miss my babies, I will always love them, and I will always look forward to seeing them again. That will never change. If we are so blessed to have more children, I will still miss Adam, Hope, and Charlie every day. Joy is not removed from this grief - for me they can coexist and even be wrapped up in one another, as I do have overwhelming joy for having our babies, despite their leaving us far too soon.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your post. It resonated with me - all of it. Many hugs to you. :)
You seem like such a strong women, and that is great!! I think how you are greiving is healthy. and I hope to get to that point, there have been many times that I have been able to laugh (my husband is the only one who can make this happen) but the tears do outweigh the laughter. and i know in the months to come, it will only get harder with my husbands deploying, and him being my rock right now.
ReplyDeleteyou will never forget those beautiful little girls. they are always going to be with you, and are always going to want to see you happy, dont ever feel guilty for that!! I know I have a few times, but I have to remind myself that my son would want me to be happy, and that he knows just how much I love him, and my love for him will never change.
Just cherish every waking moment with the children you do have, lean on them for comfort. I know it doesnt take away the loss of your girls. But I know losing my son showed me how short life really is, and How much I took for granted.
I hope you continue to have the strength that you have, its truley inspiring.
You will never get 'over'them, but you will be able to live again without feeling guilty. The grief will get easier I promise, but you will think of them everyday. I'm glad to be one of your friends Tina, you have such a sweet spirit..
ReplyDeleteLove Lindsay
I'm proud of you :)
ReplyDeleteA lovely post. I hope you continue to find this blog cathartic.
ReplyDeleteI have tagged you. Please visit my blog my4evababies.blogspot.com for all the info :) thanks xxx
ReplyDelete