Saturday, September 12, 2009

Secrets

Hutch and I returned from the beach on Monday and things have been crazy busy ever since, so I haven't had time to write about our time away. Our trip was nice and quiet. We really didn't do much of anything. We didn't have anything planned, but I just wanted to be away. I wanted to be able to talk about Sophia & Ellie without interruptions or questions, I wanted to just be alone with my thoughts, I wanted to get a massage, I wanted to go for walks on the beach and just look at the waves, I wanted to talk about what our future held. Our trip was very quiet, but these "plans" I had were interrupted.

You see, I had been keeping a secret, only for a few days, but still a secret from everyone. Hutch & I were the only ones who knew. Here it is...I was pregnant. Tuesday, September 1st, I got a positive on my pregnancy test. Wednesday morning we confirmed the positive with a blood test. Our time at the beach was for our girls, but also to talk about this new life we had created.

Friday, the day we arrived, I started spotting. Not much at first, but then by that evening I was bleeding. So you see, on my girls' due date, on labor day weekend, I lost my 8th baby, our 6th loss. We found out on Tuesday, and by Friday it was gone, the hope was gone.

My heart is hurting, but not so much for this baby as for my girls because if they were here, I would not be doing this again. If they were here, I would be happy and carefree and not this sad person that I am. I know that may sound callus, and I am sad for this baby that will never be, I hope he or she has joined their siblings, all 5 of them, in the stars. But I did not let myself get too hopeful with this pregnancy. I had an appointment set up with by OB, Dr. U, on Wednesday and was anxious to see what she said. We were trying to stay positive, but when you have had so many shitty things happen to you, it is hard to be positive. But we were trying, and with that brings hope. I had marked on my calender the 40 weeks of this pregnancy. Why did I do that? Oh yeah, because I was trying to stay positive.

So, Saturday morning we did not get up and go for a walk on the beach. We got up and walked into the ER where I was told to stay on bed rest. We took it easy, but I knew this life was gone, the baby would not be, so we still managed to go out here and there. The weekend was definitely not what I was hoping for, losing another baby has really brought us down. Not so much in the sense that we are devastated because of the loss, like I said, we were trying to be positive, but were realistic with the possibilities. But I just felt like this put more on our plates. It gave us another thing to deal with. Quite frankly, I do not need anything else to deal with. Maybe I need to let the higher powers of this universe in on that. So to you higher powers, "My plate is full, in fact it is overflowing, DO NOT put anything else on it or it will break...I will break. I need a break..."

Anyway, I am not sure if any of what I just wrote makes sense at all, but I am sure some of you understand what I am saying.

On a lighter note, I received a very special package yesterday. On our last trip to the beach we visited a gallery that makes hand prints in ceramic. We had Brady's and Emma's done and I wanted one for the girls too. The owners Hedy & Ross were so wonderful to work with and they created the perfect piece to help us remember our girls. Here is a picture, I will post another once I hang it with the others.


A very dear friend of mine had some flowers made for Sophia & Ellie. I wanted something to put in the yard that I don't have to worry about. I am not very good at remembering to water things...She brought me these when we returned from our trip. The fronts have Sophia's & Ellie's names and the backs say, "Forever in our hearts, sweet angel baby. 4-25-09" They are perfect and I will find the perfect spot for them. Thanks Jen!!!



Also, I want to say thank you to those of you who lent me so much support last weekend. Getting through Sophia's and Ellie's due date was difficult for me on many levels. I received several e-mails, texts, and fb messages from IRL friends/family and I received many comments with words of encouragement from you who read my blog. Thank you to all of you. I could not do this without your love and support.

39 comments:

  1. Dear sweet Tina, I am so deeply sorry. I don't even know what to say. You are in my prayers.

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  2. I am so sorry Tina...I have the chills just thinking about it...life really pours salt in our wounds at times.
    If I could take your pain for a day and give you that break I KNOW you need so badly, I would...
    Keep breathing, in...and out...
    Sending big hugs
    PS love the pix

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  3. Oh, Tina.
    You deserve so much happiness and instead this is what you are faced with. I am sorry. If my wishes could change it, you would have Sophia and Ellie here. The pictures are beautiful-I love everything that has our babies' names on it-it just makes you feel "good."
    I am thinking of you-and just really, really wishing I could do something to help out.

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  4. Oh Tina.
    I was so happy when I read that you had a secret as I had a little idea what that secret might be. My heart just broke to read the next paragraph. I am so terribly sorry.
    The flowers and the ceramic for the twins are beautiful.
    I wish I had some better words, I'm so sorry. Love C xo

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  5. Tina, I am so so sorry. That is such a shitty thing to experience. I'm not sure if you read on my blog, but a very similar thing happened to me just a few days before Ella's due date. After it happened, I was really down. And you're right, I wasn't grieving for the baby like I grieved for Ella. It just really brought all the emotions back up to the surface and rubbed salt in the womb.

    I love the flowers and the plate. I love to have things with Ella's name on them.

    Sending you a big hug. Hang in there!

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  6. ha ha. not "womb"- i meant "wound." must have been a freudian slip. LOL.

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  7. Oh Tina, I'm so sorry that you had to face this kind of dissapointment so soon. When I read the words, "I was pregnant," a gut wrenching twist troubled me. The word "was" shouldn't have been in there. I wish God could have some how blessed you by letting you keep this baby; he's been working in such mysterious ways lately.. I just don't know why.

    The ceramic art is absolutely lovely. I'm especially fond of the flowers. Girly and adorable; I can't think of anything more appropriate for your little girls.

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  8. I am beyond words. My heart hurts for you. Thinking about you and praying for you today, Tina.

    I am creating Hope Collages for our babies who have gone too soon. I would love to make one for your girls.

    www.hopecollage.org

    XX

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  9. I'm so sorry, Tina. Keeping you in my thoughts.
    xo

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  10. oh tina, i'm so sorry.
    Sending you love, suz xxx

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  11. I'm sorry your lost your baby. ((hugs)) Just another weight stacked on top of the grief you are already feeling. :(

    The ceramic art for the girls is so nice! And I like the wooden flowers. Much easier to take care of. ;)

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  12. I wish I understood why some people have to go through so much suffering. You've clearly had more than your share. I'm so sorry for this loss. Here are a couple of quotes that I hope bring you some portion of peace... my thoughts and prayers will be with you.

    "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." - Kahlil Gibran

    "The cavity which suffering carves into our souls will one day also be the receptacle of joy." - Neal A. Maxwell

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  13. I'm so sorry. I will be thinking of all of you.

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  14. Tina--I wish you were still pregnant, I wish you had never lost the girls, I wish you were happy as you deserve all of this. You're right, it's hard to be positive when shitty things happen.
    I love the hearts for the girls. Thinking of you...
    Christy

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  15. Tina,

    Wishing your heart my deepest peace.

    I am so sorry my friend x

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  16. Tina, my heart breaks for you. *hugs* Hoping for peace and healing for you during this time. I am so sorry for all of your losses.

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  17. Im so sorry Tina!! I hate that you're carrying the weight of another loss. I'll definitely keep you in my prayers.
    xo
    Ashley

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  18. Oh, Tina, I am just so so sorry. holding you and your family close right now. With much love.

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  19. I'm so sorry Tina. I have been thinking about you and your girls..

    Much love to you xxxxxxx

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  20. I'm so sorry Tina.

    As if there wasn't enough for you to cope with.

    xxx

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  21. I'm so sorry. I hate that you had to have this happen again. It's truly not fair. I'm thinking of you sweetheart..

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  22. Oh Tina, I am so sorry! I just do not understand why bad things keep happening to so many of us.
    Thinking of you!

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  23. I am so intensely sorry for your losses. It is so touching that you honor all of them.

    God bless.

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  24. I'm so sorry....I understand what it's like to have multiple losses and it's just not fair, is it? We want so badly what comes so easily to others...it hurts, I know...thinking of you.

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  25. Tina, I knew this was not good when I read "was". I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't say anything else to make this better, I know but you are in my prayers to help you thru this time.

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  26. I'm so sorry, Tina. I also suffered a m/c this week, not my first. We also kept it as a wonderful secret from the real world, just between DH and I. Partly because it was fun to have this secret nugget and partly because we have learned the hard way not to assume anything. And sadly, we were once again correct, as you were :(.

    I don't know why it's so hard for some of us. I truly hope your path gets easier in the future. Best wishes.

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  27. Here from LFCA...

    I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. It's horribly unfair.

    ((HUGS))

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  28. I am sorry for your recent loss and sorry that you don't have your sweet girls with you.
    wishing you that the universe stops pouring more reasons for sadness and grief on your plate.
    hugs

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  29. When we lose our babies we so much want one in our arms. I am so very sorry you have more pain to bear. Hugssssss

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  30. I'm so very sorry. The timing, as with everything with IF is completely f**ked and I'm truly sorry that you had to endure heartache on top of heartache.

    xxxx

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  31. I am so sorry for your loss and I'm sorry for the timing and all the emotions that it brought out for you. I am thinking of you.

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  32. So sorry for your losses, Tina. And to suffer another heartbreaking miscarriage on such an anniversary is so sad. Thinking of you, wishing you peace. (((hugs)))

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  33. oh Tina, i am so sorry for this loss, especially the timing. life can be so cruel sometimes, how we all know that so well. you and your family are in my thoughts.
    XO

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  34. Sending you warm thoughts... It hurts... I wish I could do more.

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  35. oh Tina....I - I can't believe you have suffered so- again. I am so, so sorry. I feel devastated and as mad as hell for you at the same time. I saw that word WAS straight away and my heart just dropped. (and then I swore). Loving you - wishing you peace dearest xx

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  36. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and just give you a big hug.

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