Okay...Something is bothering me. I have this friend "S'. We have been friends for 25 years (wow, I am getting old!) We were best friends all through Junior High and High School. We were each others Maids of Honor at our weddings, we have been there for each other through the births of our children. But, we have drifted apart. We still see each other and talk , but we are not as close as we once were. I still consider her a dear friend, but our relationship has changed.
After we lost Sophia & Ellie I didn't hear from "S". We sent an e-mail to all our contacts stating what had happened and to please give us a few days before trying to contact us. Just thinking of writing that e-mail brings it all back...Anyway, I didn't hear from "S". She contacted my parents to see how things were, and a few weeks later I received a card from her. She wrote that her delay in sending the card was due to not having the right words to say, but then she realized that there was nothing she could say to make things better. She has called a few times for specific reasons, like to RSVP to Emma's party, to wish me a happy birthday, etc. She came over so we could exchange birthday gifts a couple months ago and last night we went to dinner.
Now through all the conversation and visits, I think she has only asked how I was doing once. The first time we spoke it came up, but she said she didn't want to get into everything over the phone, she would rather be there for me in person. So, I am thinking that at dinner last night she might ask how I am, she might mention my girls names, she will acknowledge my loss...Nope!!! She didn't ask, bring it up, or anything. I even mentioned being pregnant with the twins during another story, so she had an opening there.
I don't know how I feel about this. I think she probably just doesn't feel comfortable bringing it up, she doesn't want to hurt me, just like everyone else. But it does hurt me not to even acknowledge my girls. She is still a dear friend to me and I know she isn't doing this out of lack of support. I think I should have given her a "what to say/what not to say" brochure (do they make these :) so she feels more comfortable. Anyway...I just needed to get this out of my head! Thanks for "listening".
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1 week ago
It's hard when people don't acknowledge them. We want so much for them to be remembered and not forgotten.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment. My house isn't as 'spotless' as it used to be and I'm lucky that hubby does most of the cooking and grocery shopping.
I just had this conversation with my long time friend last night. She told me that she has given me space because she doesn't know what I need. And really if we don't let them know what we need, they can't mind read. I also know that it is hard to ask for that kind of help.
ReplyDeleteI'm having this very same problem. What I am learning is that we have friends who will serve different purposes in our lives. Some are helpful at distracting us when we don't want to think about what happened, some will sit and cry with you, some will come over and do your laundry/clean your house for you (I don't have one of these, but I hear there are people who do). Have you told your friend that you need more from her? I guess I would try that and if it doesn't work, then you have to move on to a friend that can give you what you need. I know easier said than done. There are so many times I want to tell people how I feel, what I need, and I can't. I feel I've lost a couple of friends/family members through this. Maybe someday I'll be able to forgive them, but for right now, I've pretty much written off anyone who has ignored me, said something offensive, ECT...
ReplyDeleteI think this is a conversation we have all had at one point or another. It is so hard to understand why our friends do not acknowledge what has gone on in our lives...and so frustrating. As much as I want to know why, no one has ever told me. And I have to bet it is different for every person!
ReplyDeleteI hope that you and ‘S’ can remain friends, because they are so important. Whishing you the best!
I went through this with one of my very close friends... I eventually told her it hurt me more to feel like my son was forgotten than it did to talk about him. It helped. She admitted that she just didn't know what to say, so she didn't say anything. Talk to your friend. Tell her how you are feeling. I guarantee she isn't trying to hurt you intentionally. Praying you get this resolved. It's so sad to lose great friendships after you've lost so much already. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI'm currently experiencing this with my best friend, too. It breaks my heart. But it also makes me mad. I *try* to tell myself that she doesn't know what to say. But I also in my heart really do think that, on some level, she doesn't care or doesn't want to deal with it. She was always my "fun" friend. She doesn't like to realize that bad things happen in the real world and it sucks. So, I suppose I either overlook it and move on with the friendshp. Or not.
ReplyDelete*Sigh* Sorry to be "all about me" :) The comments have certainly proven, though, that you're not alone in your feelings and your situation. It sucks, big time, and I hope that there's a happy ending for you.
I told my best friend that I needed more from her. But she couldn't give more. She thought I should be happy with what she'd given. I wasn't -- it wasn't enough. She wrote to me (about the loss of my son and my daughter) that we "all have things that we have to bear in life". That was enough for me to end our friendship.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone else. Let her know what you need. If she can't give that to you right now, then turn to other friends and family. You are right in saying that she probably just doesn't know what to say and doesn't want to make you upset, but let her know it upsets you more that she doesn't acknowledge you girls. There is a brochure out there though. Here is the link.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.nationalshare.org/Trifold_SupportingaParent_SAMPLE.pdf
I hope everything goes well. Hugs to you.
That is so sad. I wish people could just ask.
ReplyDeleteIt had to be on her mind the whole time. I have a dear friend who lost a 13 yr. old son to suicide about 8 yrs ago. I have tried so hard over the years but we have grown apart. It hurts me allot. (I know it's a reverse to your story)
We even have a reunion coming up in Oct. in Chicago and I'm not going because of it. (That and my fat ass) She was and always will be my best friend. Will your friend read this post?
Why is it that people can't talk about it? I think that acting as if nothing happened is far worse then trying to ask a question.
I have experienced the same thing! People dont know what to say so saying nothing... I came across this "wish list" a while ago and posted it and people got a better sense of what we were feeling and going through... ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteI emailed you the list it wouldnt let me copy and paste
I had a similar situation happen to me around the loss of my babies. I think some people just don't know how to react. Unfortunately, their lack of acknowledgment really hurts. I'm sorry you are going through this too. Know that you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteHey Tina,
ReplyDeleteYes, it appears we all have this happen one time or another. They simply do not know what to do or say and kind of walk or eggshells as to not upset us. You have received some very wise advice above so I will leave it as that. Hope you don't grow apart because of it, but it sometimes happens, and then you know the direction is was meant to take. You can only say you tried! Hugs and lots of love sweetie, Nan xo
I think people get so wrapped up in not wanting to offend us by mentioning our angels, that they completely avoid us and/or talking about our babies. It has taken a LOT of grace (at least for me) to deal with this. Someone told me that I needed to communicate with the very people who were hurting me like this and tell them I needed them and that it was ok to talk about my daughter. I haven't got the courage yet to do that, but I think if they have any character and heart, they can take it. I sure hope that this can work out between you and your friend, but a tremendous loss really changes every relationship. Thank you for sharing this, I think we all go through it some time in the grief journey
ReplyDeleteI have felt what you are feeling about almost all my close friends. I call it "the elephant in the room". Im guessing people dont know what to say, and don't want to upset others. I was amazed that close friends didn;t even email me to check in, if they wanted to avoid speaking to me. The phone rarely rings here now, other than family. And I often get the "I figured if you want to talk about it, you'll bring it up" thing too. Nothing like ruining someones day with my horribly depressing story and feelings! So, some friends have disappointed me, and some have surprized me by really stepping up when I didnt expect it. Although some have hurt my feelings, I just tell myself you can't control what others do and say, and I remeber how I didnt know how to react or what to say or do before I was in this terrible situation. I hope you and your friend can stay that way, you have lost enough already.
ReplyDeleteThat is the worst- and I am sooo very sorry! To be honest in the months after Andrew's death, I didn't stop talking about him or saying his name- I called up my friends and just went on blabbing and blabbing- they couldn't really escape me- and for a moment I felt bad- like my story would somehow make their pregnancies a little more scary (and I think it did- especially for my brother who recently had a babe and didn't want to do ANYTHING before babe was born)- but I think that by me talking about him so much- and then being able to do so without tears- it almost gave them permission to ask about him- to say his name- and since that is the way I was (albeit right or wrong) I have been surprised with how many people now comment on Andrew randomly- read my blog even though they haven't lost a baby- and thank me for it- the insights- etc.
ReplyDeleteI so wish we could change others- but since we can't- maybe have her to a dinner again- and you do the talking- even if she's uncomfortable... if nothing else you can say your peace- and explain what life has been like for you... (of course- I always recommend some wine with good conversation... and perhaps some tissue too!)
Hang in there!
I hope there is a happy update to this one- though I have also drifted from friends through this- hoping you guys can get back to where you once were!
Hugs-
L
tee hee- my MOH and I have been friends for 30 years!!! (How can that be????)
Tina,
ReplyDeletethat really sucks, i'm so sorry. i can relate, but i'm sure it is harder when you've been friends for 25 years. i know that everybody says that we all need to tell people what we need, but that's easier said than done, and honestly, you'd think that the people that have known us the longest, the people that are closest to us wouldn't need to be asked. i am very grateful for the support that i do have, people seemed to have come out of the woodwork when Leila died, but i was vey surprised to find that the people who were most supportive were not always my close friends. it has put things into perspective for me, but maybe i'm not being very mature about it. i'm still very angry at one of my best friends/foster sister for not coming to the memorial service, not calling, not sending a card. she said she was too sad and couldn't handle it. i thought it was incredibly selfish of her. i don't understand how our friends can feel and say things like that. how the hell do they thing WE feel if they feel THEY can't handle it?!
sorry, i rambled forever.
on a lighter note, everytime i am on your post frank sinatra's song Tina always plays in my head.
XO