The Secret garden Meeting ~ July

The Secret Garden Meeting, formerly known as Under the Tree, is a "place" for bereaved parents to come together and share our hearts with those who understand. Here are this months questions:

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?

This is a hard one for me...I pray every night that my girls will visit me in my dreams, but they have not made it yet. In my mind I imagine them as chubby little happy babies with curly hair like their sister, tan skin like their brother, and just perfect in every way. I also picture them toddling along when they are a little older, trying to walk, but not too steady on their feet yet...Oh how I wish I could be there to catch them.

Sophia is my calm child, she was always so easy going. Ellie is the more spirited twin, she spent many days kicking me in the ribs. I still see them this way, Sophia mellow and Ellie a little mischievous. I take comfort in the fact that they always have been and always will be together, they will never be alone and that makes me feel better in some sort of way. I think of them being in a very beautiful place, surrounded by love, holding hands, and smiling.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

I don't think my pregnancy with Sophia and Ellie will affect the birth of a subsequent pregnancy, but will more so affect the pregnancy itself. When/If I become pregnant again, more precautions will be taken to prevent pre-term labor, a possible cerclage and progesterone shots, but as for the actual birth, I don't think anything has changed.

What Makes Me Happy...

I've been tagged by Rikki. Here are the rules to this tag:

1. Mention and link back to the person that tagged you.

2. List 6 little things that make you happy.

3. Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know "They're it".

Here are some of the things that make me truly happy:

1. My twins, Sophia and Ellie. Even though they are not here with me, it makes me happy that I had them for the short time I did. They are a miracle to me. I miss them every day, but I also smile everyday because they are mine. I have so much love for these precious girls.

2. Brady & Emma. My sweet Earthly children. These two bring me joy each and every day. They are reason I get out of bed in the morning. Without them, losing their sisters would have been even more difficult for me.

3. My husband. Hutch and I have been together for more than half of my life. Isn't that crazy??? He truly is my best friend, the one I share my life with. We have grown so much together and love each other very much (most of the time!!)

4. Creating. I LOVE to create things. I also love the room I get to create in. When we bought our house 2 years ago, it was a foreclosure. An addition had been started off of our Master Bedroom. We planned to finish it and make it my craft room. We competed it, and shortly after found out I was pregnant. So then it was going to become the Nursery. We never had a chance to set the room up for the babies, but I think of them when I am in there. And making things is so therapeutic for me. (Maybe I will share some of my creations with you all one day.)

5. Family & Friends. I am very close to my parents and have some very good friends that I consider family. For the funeral we only invited immediate family and these close friends, and it was the perfect amount of support from these very special people. I also love the friends I have made here, through my blog. You all provide me with so much support through your comments and your own blogs...thanks!!!

6. Starbucks...I LOVE Starbucks. When I was pregnant I really tried not to drink caffeine, but now I am drinking as much of it as possible before I get pregnant again!! My favorites are a Nonfat Caramel Macchiato or Iced Nonfat Vanilla Chai Latte...YUM YUM!!!

What makes YOU happy?
Tag! You're it:

1. Nan

2. Angie

3. Rachel

4. Maxton's Mommy

5. Catherine

6. Who We'll Forever Be

3 Months

Saturday was 3 months since holding Sophia & Ellie in our arms. To honor the day we first went to the cemetery for a visit. We left some very beautiful flowers at their grave and said a few words to our precious little ones. Two doors down, another child had been buried, it breaks my heart to see freshly dug ground out there because I know other parents are feeling our pain.

Later in the day, we planted some very special seeds to grow our own flowers just for the girls. I bought these seeds from Anna at http://www.greetingsthatgrow.etsy.com/. Anna makes plantable tags with wildflower seed paper. I purchased angel shaped tags, tied two together with pink ribbon and a note that said, "Plant these angels and when they bloom, remember our angels Sophia and Ellie." I sent these out with my thank you cards to the people who have done so much for us these past 3 months. I mailed them on Friday, hoping they would be delivered on Saturday, their angelversary. I searched for quite some time for some type of seed packet to mail with my cards in memory of my daughters, but had a hard time finding anything. I stumbled across Anna's shop and knew this was it!

The rest of the day was busy with our niece's birthday party and a few other things, so it was a good day. Sad, but busy and good.

Last night when I got home from having some wine with the girls (you gotta have a little fun once in a while right???), I checked my e-mail. I received a very special something from Sarah. She has a new blog dedicated to her flowers, click on her button, Say It With Flowers, on the left if you have not visited it yet. Thank you Sarah for brightening my day. I LOVE it!!!

Today my mom and I hung the girls' names in the sand. I put a wall vinyl above it that reads, "Some people dream of angels we held them in our arms." I have been waiting for a very long time for all of this to come together and it finally has. I love this wall. It sits right next to the rest of our family pictures. Our girls can now be included with the rest of us. In case you are wondering where I got the vinyl, Rachel makes them. I did not know this when I purchased mine, so mine did not come from her, but just to pass the word along...she does.

Thank you for all of your ideas on resources for my list...If you have anymore, please send them my way.

I Need Some Help Here...

Yesterday we had a visit from a Family Services Counselor from the mortuary where we buried Sophia & Ellie. The purpose of this visit was just to touch base with us, give us the deed to the girls' plot, and to give us some resources to help deal with our grief. the gentleman was very kind and compassionate and the visit went well and was brief.

After the counselor left, I looked through the information he gave us and saw that none if it pertained specifically to the loss of a child. I think losing a child has so many emotions that differ form that of losing another loved one. This kind of bothered me, so I made a phone call to this counselor today and asked him if he would like for me to put a list of resources together for future families who suffer the loss of a child. So that is what I am doing and that is where you come into this too...

If you have any books that you have read that have really helped you with your grief, would you please leave me a comment with the title and the author if known? Also, if there have been any online resources that you have felt have been particularly helpful, that information would be great as well.

I don't need this information for myself, but if I can make this horrible situation easier for just one more family, then I will feel a little bit better about the loss I am suffering.

Thanks for helping me out with this

Good Grief (again)

Thank you all so much for the comments you left me regarding my last post. I truly appreciate all of your support and encouragement. Everyday I look forward to reading comments from you and reading your posts on your blogs. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

After reading your comments and reflecting, I have come to a few conclusions.

I love my girls more than life itself. I miss them as much now as I did the day I lost them. They will forever be a part of my life. I think about them and wonder how our lives would be different if they were here. I wonder what they would look like, act like, smell like.

All of this being said, it is okay for me to be happy and not to be as deeply sad as I was 3 months ago. I am still hurting and grieving for my loss. I will be for a very long time, but I can grieve and still be happy at times. One thing that makes me happy, is knowing that I have these 2 beautiful beings in my life, no longer in my Earthly world, but still in my life. I know I will still have good moments and bad moments, but it is okay if the good outweighs the bad.

Bree posted my girls' butterflies on her blog yesterday. This was such a beautiful surprise to me. When I saw them, a lot of emotions came to the surface and of course I cried. Thank you Bree! I also had a hair appointment yesterday (a much needed appointment I might add.) It was the first time I have been since losing the girls. At first my hair dresser didn't say anything, after several minutes she asked how I was doing. Again, I cried and we talked about my girls for a little bit.

The fact that I still feel so deeply for my girls speaks volumes to me. Knowing that I still cry when I talk about them or think about them lets me know I am still grieving. I think I was afraid that I was "over it" or had "moved on." I just needed some convincing that this wasn't the case. I know I will never be over it and I will never move on (just read my post on my feelings about this) but I think I was just worried that by not being so sad I maybe was doing these things. My mind plays some serious tricks with my heart sometimes.

I think the way I am grieving is healthy. This blog and my journal are my release and having all of your support and reading about all of your experiences is helping me to be a healthy, grieving mommy to my beautiful Sophia & Ellie. Thank you again to all of you!

Good Grief

I have debated about writing this post in fear of being judged, but I have decided to go ahead and do it, surely someone else out there has felt this way too.

This past week I have been in a weird place, a good place I think, but weird. I don't feel as consumed with sadness. I still miss my girls immensely and cry everyday for losing them, but I am also able to do other things and be somewhat happy. My heart still hurts, but does not feel as heavy as it previously did.

Okay, here is the weird part. I feel almost guilty for feeling this way. This Saturday will only be 3 months since losing Sophia & Ellie. I haven't moved on, I still think about them constantly, they will always be a part of my life. But the pain just isn't as intense. Is it normal to feel this way in such a short amount of time???

I don't let my mind take me to that day, April 25th, when we lost them. I can't do it. When I start to think about the events of that day, I start to break down. I am not ready to relive it again (this is why I haven't finished writing my story here.) It just hurts too much.

I have been very busy and occupied with other things, so I wonder if that has something to do with my feelings. Also, I have Brady & Emma to focus on too. They are the reason I get out of bed and leave the house everyday. They have "forced" me to be okay. However, I feel badly for not being in so much pain and as sad as I was a month ago. I feel like if I don't hang on to the intense pain, then I might be letting a piece of my girls go too. I am also wondering if this is just a good period that is lasting a little bit longer and the deep sadness will hit me agian like it has in the past.

I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences on this. I need to know that this is normal (or not), and that others have felt this way too.

DNA

I was reading through some blogs the other day and found something I wanted to share. I am sure some of you have already read this, but there are those of us who have recently suffered our loss and may not know. I borrowed this from Mrs. A, who borrowed it from Courtney, who borrowed it from Birni, who borrowed it from Inanna, whose friend gave to her. Okay, I think I have given all the appropriate people props here, so on to the info.

"Did you know every time we carry a child, they leave their DNA in us? So if someone takes enough of our blood, they can find traces of every child we've carried within us, for the rest of our lives."

I like knowing that I always physically carry a piece of my girls with me. Would I rather be carrying them...absolutely; that goes with out saying. But I do think this is sweet information. It brings my a bit of comfort to know they exist within me, in my blood, in my heart, in my mind, and in my soul. I love you sweet girls!

Today

Today I should be 32 weeks pregnant.
Today I should be having a scheduled c-section.
Today I should be meeting my sweet babies for the first time.

Instead, I am doing none of these. I am just missing my girls and thinking about how life should be.

AngelPics Project

In the days after losing Sophia & Ellie, I spent a considerable amount of time searching the Internet for various resources. I found many things I wanted to read, but just didn't have the energy to invest in it at the time. So, I saved it all to my desktop which now has LOTS of little icons on it. I was trying to clean it up the other day and ran across the AngelPics Project icon again. I clicked on it, not really remembering what it was about. This is a company that specializes in photo restoration. They have a special project that they offer to parents who have lost a child at birth. They will retouch 2 photos free of charge. It is very simple to do. You create a login, download your 2 photos, give them specific instructions on what you would like done and submit! It was very easy. I submitted my 2 pictures on the 4th and they were done on the 7th.

I did not want much changed on my pictures. I asked for their skin colors to look more natural and for the pictures to have a softer focus. I want my babies to look like my babies, just a little more lifelike I guess. They are lovely. The link to the site is below and a before and after of one of my pictures.

http://www.babyangelpics.com/index.php

This community continues to amaze me. There are so many people who are so willing to help ease our pain. Some of them have never been in our situations, like Debby and others know all to well what we are going through, like Carly. Thank you to all of you who support us, think of us, and pray for us. You make my world more bearable in this very difficult time.

The Way It Should Be

I was watching a talk show the other day about motherhood. A woman on the show said the worst day of her life was the day she went down to the dealership to buy a minivan. She cried all the way there. What I would give to need that minivan.

The four of us went to lunch the other day and there was a girl there who was probably 19-20 and was pregnant. I couldn't stop looking at her, wondering why she gets her baby and I don't get mine. She probably felt her life was ruined when she found out she was pregnant and I was so excited to be adding to our family. It just seems so unfair. I wanted to go up to her and ask if she wanted to do a trade...I always try to remember that something, anything could still go wrong for these women, I sincerely hope not, I hope they never know my pain. But I no longer live with the naivety that everything will be alright.

On the fourth of July, I kept wondering what we would be doing if we hadn't lost Sophia and Ellie so soon. Would we have stayed home if I were still pregnant, would we have been visiting them in the NICU if they would have stayed with me for just a few more weeks? Oh how I wish I could go back and change things.

Hutch is out of town for work for a few days. This is the first time he has been away for any length of time since losing the girls. I am doing okay, but it was hard to see him go. He shouldn't have left, he should be home taking care of his very pregnant wife, or sitting with his daughters in the NICU. He should not be leaving, things should not be this way.

Four

Yesterday Emma, my mom, and I went to lunch and then to get pedicures. Emma was sitting with my mom and the manicurist asked her (Emma) how many children were in our family. Emma's answer was 4. My heart dropped just a little when I heard this. I was afraid of questions that could stem from her answer...there were none. And then all I could think was, wow. She is only 5 years old, but she actually gets it. She really does think of Sophia & Ellie as part of our family. I guess we have talked about mommy having 4 kids, but I never thought she would have included the twins in this answer. She is so precious and I am so lucky to have my children in my life...all four of them.


And here are her cute little tootsies...ready to celebrate the 4th of July!

Not Closure...

This excerpt is from an e-Mail that I received from the March of Dimes Share Community. The title of the article is Getting Through Guilt and it is written by Liza Gene Cooper, LMSW Director, March of Dimes NICU Family Support. If you would like to read the whole article the link is below:

http://www.shareyourstory.org/webx?14@609.fYNlbxywewL@.eeb96fa!discloc=.ef6199f

Guilt, as Grief First, and perhaps most important for all mothers to know, is that these painful, isolating feelings of guilt are normal. They are also incredibly common. It is one of the most acute (and unspoken) emotions of grief. Women may think “What did I do wrong to deserve this?” or focus on how they think they have disappointed their partners, families and themselves. When something goes contrary to what we expect – especially something we place so much importance on, like the birth of a child – we grieve. We grieve for what could have been, we grieve for what we have lost. And grief has a number of common feelings and stages including shock and denial; sorrow and depression; anger and rage; guilt and blame; and ultimately, for many – not closure, as it was once called (who can have “closure” on the loss of a child?), but instead integration or the weaving of a loss – the tenderness, the pain – into a person’s heart, into their very being, into how they live their lives and how they move forward. And so guilt comes as part of this powerful and very natural process.

When I first read this article the part highlighted in pink really made a difference for me. It states that I am not looking for closure, but a way to live my new life that includes my precious girls. I don't need to "move on" from grieving, instead I need to learn how to incorporate Sophia & Ellie into my existence. I don't know if any of you will get the same meaning out those words, but it has been something that has stuck with me since first reading it. And I like to think about my life without my girls in this way. I don't want to move on, I want to include them in all I do. They are a part of me and always will be.