The Secret Garden Meeting ~ September

What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photo's,videos, websites, support group information and so on.


Journaling and blogging have been constant in my life since losing my girls. I first started a journal because I had to get the thoughts out of my head. I was afraid of forgetting something, so I had to get it all down on paper. Then I turned to blogging. It is such a huge comfort to me to know that there are people out there that understand what I am feeling. It makes my life have a sense of normalcy during this not so normal circumstance. Also this community and all they have to offer amazes me. The first blog I stumbled upon was Carly's Names in the Sand. I could not wait until the day I could submit my name request. I would check many times a day to see if she had opened the requests up. I HAD to have my girls' names written and I cherish them every day. Thank you so much Carly for all you do for us.

Emma's preschool teacher also lost a baby about 15 years ago. She is a Godsend to me. Being able to talk to her and see that she has lived through the agony was comforting. There are also 2 women at my school that have lost babies many years ago. One of them has reached out to me since the school year began, the other I have not spoken to about it. She lost identical twin boys to TTTS about 25 years ago. I wonder if my story hits too close to home for her.

My family and friends helped me tremendously through the first few weeks of losing Sophia & Ellie. They sat with me, cried with me, held me, cleaned my house for me, cooked for me, and basically just loved me and my girls. My husband too was my rock during those early days.

Something else that has helped me is creating jewelry. I love working in their space, the room that was to be their nursery. I love the creative outlet it gives me and it does my heart good to know that maybe I have helped another family remember their baby who was gone too soon. Also, having a piece of jewelry to wear with Sophia's & Ellie's names is very comforting to me.

Another thing that has helped me make it through the very early, very dark days is my living children. I had to get out of bed to be there for them. I had to make their lives feel somewhat normal. I had to still be their mommy. Although there were times when I was not very good at this, it still gave me a purpose, a reason to keep living.

She asked

Well...it happened. There is this mother at school who is on the verge of obnoxious. She is the type to tell you her opinion, yet she doesn't know s*** about anything. I think it was my last day of work before having Sophia & Ellie and she stopped and talked to me and told me I needed to rub some type of oil on my skin to avoid the stretch marks...yada, yada, yada. So I have been avoiding this woman since school started because I just know she will have questions. Well, today it happened. I was walking to my classroom and from a distance she yelled, "How are your babies???" I knew it was coming, I just knew it. This was not really a question I had rehearsed in my mind. I thought for a split second, because well first of all it pisses me off that I even have to think about an answer. "Absolutely Wonderful!" should just pour out of my mouth, yet it can't. And because I really didn't know what to say. I replied, "They're not with us. I had them early and they didn't make it." Of course she apologized and I went on. Great way to start my morning huh?!

The past few days have been hard at work. My girls are always on my mind and the tears have been coming, but I have to stop and keep it all together because there are 21 second graders in the room staring at me. I hate that I can't cry when I need to or just walk outside to get a little fresh air. I am so resentful that I have to be there everyday. (I know you all are probably really tired of hearing that from me, I know my husband is!!!) However, I feel like this life experience has given my new found patience with my students. Really, does it matter that they aren't all on the right page right now, does it matter that they cut the paper the wrong way?? The answer is no, these minor things don't matter to me because there are other things that matter so much more than this, and you all know what, I mean who, they are.

Tomorrow is 5 months since seeing my beautiful babies. I can't believe I have lived this long without them. I miss them so much and just wonder what it would be like. What it would be like to have them here, both of them. I know what it is like to have a singleton, but wow...twins! I could hardly wait...I love chaos! By the way, have you ever noticed how often the word twins is spoken? I think I hear it nearly everyday, actually several times a day, in casual conversations, especially working with kids, on television, from my Emma. It hurts every time.

So, tomorrow I will be going to the cemetery to take my girls some flowers and visiting my sweet ones. Hutch's grandma went a couple weeks ago. I love this woman...she may be elderly, but she is very acute. She has a sixth sense about things. She has dreams regarding the sexes of babies in the family, and she is always right. In fact when we had Brady, we were told he was a girl, she dreamt he was a boy, and you know who was correct! Anyway, she told Hutch that when she was visiting Sophia's & Ellie's grave she could feel their presence, they were there. I know this sounds awful, but when she dies I want her to be with my babies. As bad as that sounds, I know I could tell her that and she would understand.

Happy five months little girls, happy five months! xoxoxo

Random Ramblings

I am trying to find a balance. A balance between working full time, being a mother to my living children, keeping up with all the blogs I read, and still grieving for the loss of my sweet Sophia & Ellie. I am really finding it difficult to work all these things into just 24 hours every day. I haven't been able to post because I just don't have the time, plus I haven't had a lot to say. So here is an update of the past week:


Within the last several days questions have arose. Emma has a new dance teacher and we were talking one day. She asked me how many children I have at home. It was really odd the way she worded it...almost like she maybe knew all too much about the loss of a child and therefore chose her words carefully. I told her we have 2 children with us, Emma and her brother Brady, and we left it at that. But I am still wondering why she asked the way she did.


I was talking to a boy on the playground a few days ago, he is in first grade and I had his brother in my class a couple years ago. This boy, J, was saying that his brother, M, talks about my babies. I asked J what M says about them and he say M wonders what they look like. They don't know they are not here with me. Clearly, they don't know. Their mother is a nurse and I believe she is a NICU nurse in another city. I think that if she knew what happened with the girls, she would have explained to M & J my loss. I just smiled though and thought of my beautiful little girls, because I am so glad that I had the opportunity to see them, hold them, and kiss them, even if it was for just a day.


Friday all the Kindergartners had a little picnic at school. Emma has a classmate whose brother was in my class a couple years ago. I was talking to their mother and she asked me about my other kids. I told her about Brady and she asked about the baby. I explained that we had twins in April, but they were born prematurely and didn't survive. She of course apologized.


So the questions and comments are popping up here and there. I didn't get overly emotional with any of these conversation. I kind of feel bad for that. I feel like maybe I should have teared up, but I didn't. I love and miss my girls so very, very much, and I know I am not done grieving, nor will I ever be. However, I think I have spent so much time preparing myself for these conversations that I was ready to answer them, well as ready as one can be when talking about their dead babies.


I went to Costco again yesterday. I walked through the store in tears knowing I won't be buying Christmas gifts for Sophia & Ellie. It just breaks my heart that they are not here. I wish they were and I was whole again. I am not sure why Costco has this effect on me, maybe it is because they are the first to get seasonal merchandise out, or maybe because I know I would be buying diapers there. I just don't hope they change my name on my membership card to read: Crazy Lady!!

Earlier this week, Jenna's mommy, Franchesca made a Hope Collage for Sophia & Ellie. You can see it in my side bar on the left. It is amazing and she does it out of the kindness of her heart. I sent her several words that come to mind when I am thinking of my girls and she put them together in this collage. It is just another reminder of my sweet girls and of how wonderful this community is. Thank you Franchesca!!!

Today is 21 weeks and 1 day since losing Sophia & Ellie. They have been gone for the exact amount of time they were with us. The time without them seems so much longer when compared to the short amount of time we had with them safe within my womb. I love you sweet girls. xo

Secrets

Hutch and I returned from the beach on Monday and things have been crazy busy ever since, so I haven't had time to write about our time away. Our trip was nice and quiet. We really didn't do much of anything. We didn't have anything planned, but I just wanted to be away. I wanted to be able to talk about Sophia & Ellie without interruptions or questions, I wanted to just be alone with my thoughts, I wanted to get a massage, I wanted to go for walks on the beach and just look at the waves, I wanted to talk about what our future held. Our trip was very quiet, but these "plans" I had were interrupted.

You see, I had been keeping a secret, only for a few days, but still a secret from everyone. Hutch & I were the only ones who knew. Here it is...I was pregnant. Tuesday, September 1st, I got a positive on my pregnancy test. Wednesday morning we confirmed the positive with a blood test. Our time at the beach was for our girls, but also to talk about this new life we had created.

Friday, the day we arrived, I started spotting. Not much at first, but then by that evening I was bleeding. So you see, on my girls' due date, on labor day weekend, I lost my 8th baby, our 6th loss. We found out on Tuesday, and by Friday it was gone, the hope was gone.

My heart is hurting, but not so much for this baby as for my girls because if they were here, I would not be doing this again. If they were here, I would be happy and carefree and not this sad person that I am. I know that may sound callus, and I am sad for this baby that will never be, I hope he or she has joined their siblings, all 5 of them, in the stars. But I did not let myself get too hopeful with this pregnancy. I had an appointment set up with by OB, Dr. U, on Wednesday and was anxious to see what she said. We were trying to stay positive, but when you have had so many shitty things happen to you, it is hard to be positive. But we were trying, and with that brings hope. I had marked on my calender the 40 weeks of this pregnancy. Why did I do that? Oh yeah, because I was trying to stay positive.

So, Saturday morning we did not get up and go for a walk on the beach. We got up and walked into the ER where I was told to stay on bed rest. We took it easy, but I knew this life was gone, the baby would not be, so we still managed to go out here and there. The weekend was definitely not what I was hoping for, losing another baby has really brought us down. Not so much in the sense that we are devastated because of the loss, like I said, we were trying to be positive, but were realistic with the possibilities. But I just felt like this put more on our plates. It gave us another thing to deal with. Quite frankly, I do not need anything else to deal with. Maybe I need to let the higher powers of this universe in on that. So to you higher powers, "My plate is full, in fact it is overflowing, DO NOT put anything else on it or it will break...I will break. I need a break..."

Anyway, I am not sure if any of what I just wrote makes sense at all, but I am sure some of you understand what I am saying.

On a lighter note, I received a very special package yesterday. On our last trip to the beach we visited a gallery that makes hand prints in ceramic. We had Brady's and Emma's done and I wanted one for the girls too. The owners Hedy & Ross were so wonderful to work with and they created the perfect piece to help us remember our girls. Here is a picture, I will post another once I hang it with the others.

A very dear friend of mine had some flowers made for Sophia & Ellie. I wanted something to put in the yard that I don't have to worry about. I am not very good at remembering to water things...She brought me these when we returned from our trip. The fronts have Sophia's & Ellie's names and the backs say, "Forever in our hearts, sweet angel baby. 4-25-09" They are perfect and I will find the perfect spot for them. Thanks Jen!!!



Also, I want to say thank you to those of you who lent me so much support last weekend. Getting through Sophia's and Ellie's due date was difficult for me on many levels. I received several e-mails, texts, and fb messages from IRL friends/family and I received many comments with words of encouragement from you who read my blog. Thank you to all of you. I could not do this without your love and support.

Getting here

Before leaving on Friday, I wanted to take flowers out to the the girls at the cemetery. I stopped at Costco to get the flowers and decided to take a look around. As I am walking in, I hear one of the employees talking on the radio. He was telling someone that another employee had to leave due to a family emergency. You know where my thoughts went. What kind of emergency? Is it the worst imaginable kind? Did his baby die? I truly hope not and I realize there are numerous other "emergencies" that could have made this employee go home, but these were my thoughts, this is what an emergency is to me now.


So I go on, walking down the aisles. It being Costco and September, of course they have some Christmas items out. I am looking at the things and it hits me. I should be buying Christmas gifts for Sophia & Ellie this year, but I won't be. There is nothing I can buy for them because they are not here. So the tears are there, I keep walking. I turn the corner and there is a family. The mother is wearing her very young infant in a carrier. It really hits me. My girls should be here.


I keep going and decide I might need a book to read while on our trip. I am looking at a book by Wally Lamb trying to decide if it would be good to read this weekend. I look down at the stack and sitting right next to it is The Shack that I have read so much about. So I put Wally's book back and decide maybe this is what I need to read. (FYI: I haven't read any of it yet...)

Now on to the flowers. I find a very sweet bunch of pink roses of varying types. I decide these will be perfect for my sweet girls. I have what I need, so with tears in my eyes I go on to checkout. A young man helps me and asks how my day is. I want to tell him my day f***ing sucks, that I should have 2 babies with me, I should be here buying diapers and wipes, not flowers to take to their grave. But of course I say, "Fine, thank you." He scans all my items and a woman is helping him box things up. When she gets to the roses she stops and looks at them. She slowly brings them to her nose and smells them. As she is doing this, the tears well. I am hoping she will not comment about them or ask what they are for because I know I will no longer be able to hold them back. She gently lays the roses in the cart and doesn't ask, whew, I was relieved. I finished the transaction, not making eye contact with anyone, hoping they will not see my eyes filled with tears and think I am a lunatic, not that I care if they think I am a lunatic, but...you know.


So I made it out of Costco and went on to the cemetery. As I was driving up I could see a canopy set up in Babyland, where my girls are buried. I knew this meant another baby had died and the service was being held that day. I was worried they might have my girls' grave covered and I wouldn't be able to leave the flowers, but it wasn't. I made my way to their spot and started breaking off the stems of the flowers so they will fit in the vase. As I am doing this a butterfly lands on one of the roses and visits for a while before flying away. This made me smile. thank you girls for sending me a visitor. I finish placing the flowers and cleaning off their marker and say my goodbyes. It makes me very sad to see another family will be burying their baby soon too.


So we arrived at the beach Friday afternoon and have been enjoying the peace and quiet and cooler weather. It has been hard getting through this date, their due date, but I am managing. I have much more to post, but I will wait until later. Thank you for thinking of us and our girls this weekend, it comforts me to know you are out there.

Labor Day

Today is the day...September 4, 2009. My due date with my girls. It is also Labor Day weekend and the one thing I won't be doing is laboring. I know that I would not have gone to term with my girls. I know they would have been born long ago, but it still hurts. Knowing they are not here with me just hurts.


Hutch & I are going to the beach again for the weekend. This time without the kids. We thought about taking them, but decided against it. I just want to be able to be sad, to cry, to be angry and not have to worry about them seeing me fall apart. I try not to have complete meltdowns in front of them very often.


Although I wish we were going for very different reasons, I am looking forward to some time away. I have been so overwhelmed lately, and I think some down time will be good for my heart and soul. Now if I could just have some little fairies come and do the cleaning, laundry, and shopping while I am gone...



Dearest Sophia & Ellie,
Mommy loves you girls and will be thinking of you all weekend, just like always. I so wish you were here with us right now. I know you would both be such a wonderful addition to our family. We miss you and love you sweet ones.
xo,
Mommy

Jet

I can't believe it has happened. I thought there was no way...it couldn't happen again, not three times. My heart is broken for Mirne & Craig. Like so many of us, I do not know them IRL, but I have prayed for them and thought about them as they have traveled this path. I feel so helpless. I need to do something for them. This is all I can do...

I know it will not ease their pain, but as I have said before, it is something tangible that they can wear and touch. It is a way for Mirne to wear the love she has for all of her babies.

I need to send this to Mirne & Craig as soon as possible, however I do not have their address. Please, if anyone has it, or Mirne & Craig, if you happen to be reading, please e-mail (hutchtina@bak.rr.com) me an address where I can send this.

You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight and forever baby Jet.