Sunday, October 11, 2009

Sunday, kids, and anger

Last Sunday our family was awoken to the sound of the smoke detectors going off. Not just one, signaling it needs its battery changed, but ALL of them. It was terrifying. I was in bed, Hutch had gone to the couch sometime during the night, and Brady & Emma were on the other side of the house. Hutch & I both ran to the kids who were seriously confused by all the commotion (as were we.) We went outside onto our driveway and put the kids in the car since it was quite chilly that morning. We really did not think there was a fire in the house. We didn't smell smoke or see flames, so we were fairly confidant that the house was okay. After the kids were settled Hutch said he was going to go in to check everything, I said I wanted to go too in case I needed to get anything out of the house. But what was really on my mind was, "If there is a fire I am getting Sophia's & Ellie's box. I have to have their things. they can not be damaged by a fire or smoke. This is all I have left of them and I'll be damned if I am going to let anything happen to all I have left of my girls."

Needless to say, there was no fire, the girls' box was safe and sound right on top of my dresser. However, now I am thinking I need to put in in our safe. I hate the idea of not having the box out where I can see it, but even more I would hate for something to happen to the box while we were away.

Also last Sunday (wow it was an eventful day!) I went and visited with an old friend I used to teach with. She is experiencing some life changing challenges in her marriage right now so even though our grief is different, it is still similar in many ways. We talked for quite a while and it is interesting that we have a lot of the same emotions and reactions to our "losses." I got a good cry out while talking to my friend and I sure felt a lot better afterward. It is so nice that she can comfortably talk to me about my girls and my experience. It really helped my emotional state because the days before this I had been in a pretty foul mood.


I have always talked about Brady and Emma to my students. However this year I am more reluctant to do so. I know the question, "How many kids do you have?" would come up and it did this week. I don't remember what we were talking about, but a student asked the question. Of course I have thought about my answer to this question and my thoughts have been that I would answer truthfully, 4. And if further questions were asked I would simply say that we have 2 of our children here with us and 2 that live in Heaven. Well, the question was thrown out, but for some reason I just didn't feel like answering it. Instead I just ignored it and went on teaching. I am not sure why I did this, I am quite comfortable with my answer, but maybe the timing just wasn't right. I don't know...

I know I haven't finished writing Sophia's & Ellie's story here, I will someday, but it is just so hard. But when we had the girls we decided not to bring Brady and Emma in to see them. I have never regretted this decision. I thought it might be too much for them, too traumatic. After all we did have pictures and the kids have seen these. However, the other night I was putting Emma in bed and we were talking about her sisters. She told me that she wanted to go to the hospital when I had them. I asked her why and she said because she wanted to see her sisters. My heart broke all over again and for the first time I am doubting my decision on not bringing them in to see the girls. I told her we have pictures and we can look at them whenever we want to and she was satisfied with that answer, but I am still doubting my decision.

I have been having a hard time lately, my emotions are all over the place. I have been crying more than I had been and have been sadder than I was. I guess that is just grief's way. The friend I was talking to last week asked if I had experienced all the emotions involved with the grieving process. She asked if I had been angry and really I don't feel that I have been. I don't know who to be angry at. I have been upset with myself for not doing things differently, I have questioned my doctors possibly missing something that was wrong, but I don't blame anyone for my girls' deaths. I sometimes feel like I want to be mad at someone, but I don't know who to be mad at. I know some people become angered at God. I don't think this was something He controlled and made happen, it wasn't part of his "plan" for me. That is just not the way I think, maybe if I did think like that, then I would be angry at Him, but that's not me. So this foulness that I mentioned earlier that comes out of me, maybe that is my anger releasing itself on whoever happens to be there at the moment. I don't know, but mostly I am just really missing my girls.

24 comments:

  1. Tina, I have my babies stuff in beautiful chest at the bottom of our bed. I have often thought, what if there was a fire? I keep saying I am going to get a safe because I don't know what I would do if I lost those precious items and memories. I don't want to put everything in the safe, but mainly the birth certificates, social security cards, pictures, and precious items. I know it sounds strange, but I know people who keep items they want safe in a spare freezer. I guess freezers are fireproof from what I hear.

    Missing Sophia and Ellie along with my twins, Emma and Chase.

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. I also doubt alot of our decisions made concerning Bryston and wonder if they were the right choices, but at the end of the day I know that they were the best choices for me in that moment. I was so overcome with emotions in the hospital that even deciding what I wanted to drink was too much for me. We all have these doubts/regrets I think. Hindsight really is 20/20 in our case. I pray that one day I wilk find peace about my decisions. *Hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  3. We have had similar fire alarm problems in the past - all of ours are wired together. If ones has a dead battery they all end up beeping. It's an awful way to wake up!

    As for answering the questions about how many children you have...it's entirely up to you and how you feel on any given day. I mostly don't tell people just because I don't feel comfortable talking about Ellie with almost strangers. For me it really depends on the situation.

    It's OK to be angry at the horrible situation you were forced into and it doesn't have to be anyone's fault. And don't second guess the decision you made about not letting your other children see Sopie and Ellie. You made the best possible decision you could have made given the circumstances. Anything you would have done would be the right thing.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I have been mising Akul more than ever before as well. It seems to not get any easier. Hugssss.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I glad you were all safe and you didn't have a fire. I know that your heart is heavy with doubt but I think that you made the right choice not taking Brady and Emma to the hospital. Also, I like where you mentioned that your friend is going through a difficult marriage and how even though the loss is different she is hurting too.
    I went through a divorce 27 years ago and it was a terribly painful experience. I know that it can't be compared to the death of a child but it almost killed me. Thank you for those words. I know you want to keep their items safe but how can you do that without putting them in some safe, I am sure you want them near you too.

    ReplyDelete
  6. So glad there was no fire, Tina, but what a shock that must have been. Sorry you've been having a rough time (me, too) and sending you much love. (((Hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
  7. Glad you're safe. I have been worried about a fire for a while now. And, the other night I had a dream that the alarm went off. I went through all the steps of what I'd get first in my head. I don't care about things like wedding pictures. Other members of our family have copies of these. But, we are the only ones that have Ella's. I wouldn't want to lose the few things I have to hold on to.

    I'm so sorry your sweet children had to learn such a difficult lesson so young in life. It's not fair for them either.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Sorry to hear you have been in such a mood. I know it comes and goes and I think of you teaching and how you must be so busy, your mind doesn't get a chance to go where you want it to.
    My heart goes out to you with your decision. My 4-year-old asked me one night why he didn't get to hold Chase and my heart broke all over again as well. He was sleeping and I could not get him to wake up to say goodbye and sometimes I kick myself for not making it happen. Sometimse I think it wasn't meant to be that way. Just depends on the day, on my thoughts, on my mood. I just hope you can look back with a sadened smile on that day of the beautiful girls you had with you and the two wonderful children you had at home.
    xxxooo
    Christy

    ReplyDelete
  9. I've been feeling emotional (more than usual) lately, as well. Grieving the loss of our children is so hard. I feel that when things start to look up for me, I just start to break down and fall back to where I have begun. Joshua past the same month as Sophia and Ellie... so maybe that's why we are going through similar emotions? Who knows? =/

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am so sorry, Tina. I wish you girls were with you. Missing Sophie & Ellie with you. xx

    ReplyDelete
  11. I was just hinking yesterday how our safe is full and I need to protect Bridgitte and Ashlyn's things. I want something I can just grab and run with. After reading your post and comments, I don't feel so paranoid for thinking like that. I have the girls' things on my dresser, too. So glad there was no fire, and you're all safe.
    I think the stages of grief aren't consectutive, necessarily, so you can pass back an forth between them and just b/c you've moved from one to the other, doesn't mean you won't be back. I hope you don't have to feel the anger. For me, it's worse than crying everyday was. HUGS.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I have regrets, but I know I wasn't in the right frame of mind. How could we be? No one gets it all right or does it exactly as they wish they had. I'm sorry you're missing them even more lately. Grief is so unkind.
    ((hugs))
    Ashley

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh Tina. That must have been absolutely terrifying, hearing all your fire alarms going off. I'm so glad that it was just a false alarm and that Sophia and Ellie's things are safe.
    It is so hard not to have regrets. But Tina, every single decision that you made you took it with love for your children, all four of them.
    I'm so sorry that life feels like it is getting harder at the moment. Thinking of you and sending love from the UK. xo

    ReplyDelete
  14. That would be so scary to wake up to the smoke detectors going off like that! I know I would want to get Carleigh's things out. The fire scenario has run through my head many, many times. I have even thought about getting one of those giant, expensive fireproof safes to put everything I treasure in. I know it's a little unreasonable to go that far but I can't say I wouldn't be pleased if we did get one. I know my mind would rest a lot easier!!

    I have never been angry at God through my journey. I know He didn't cause any of it. I believe He knew it was going to happen b/c God is omniscient. I've had some anger directed at other people b/c of their actions.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I am so glad to hear that there was no fire and that everyone is safe. I can understand your sense of urgency to get your girls boxes. Since they can't physically be with you, you have a need to keep them as close as possible. *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  16. Been wondering how you are, now I know, not too good and Im so sorry. I can only imagine how terrifying the alarm was, I would have gone into total panic mode. It's like "thanks for making me make another decision of what to do in an emergency, save others or save yourself - yeah thanks!!!", know what I mean? Im still angry, and sad, but I muddle through it pretending that I am ok mostly so everyone around doesn't worry. You made the best decisions you could at the time, given the traumatic circumstances, there was no right or wrong so try not to beat yourself up on that honey. Im glad you found someone to cry with, its very helpful. Hope you are feeling a little better today and know you are in my thoughts. Love, Nan xo

    ReplyDelete
  17. hugs friend! i would've gone back into the house for quinn's box too, even if the house was in flames. it's amazing what's important to us, and what we have left. xxmb

    ReplyDelete
  18. You have been through hell, it's ok to be angry! I'm praying for you, and for healing. I'm glad you were able to have a good cry, you need to get that out.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Oh Tina, I would have panicked too! Last year when we had a hurricane more than half the car were our memories of Adison and Lillian so I completely understand your fear! And as for the bad days I keep hearing that they subside at some point but I don't know when and I wish I did! But hang in there! Thinking of you!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I am so glad that there wasnt a fire. At the start of the year here in Australia the town that i live in was hit by the black saturday fires. it was very scary not knowing if it was going to come close to us or not. All i could think was that if anything happened and we needed to leave i had to have all of the boys things. I packed them all up into a bag and put it right next to me bed so if anything happened i could grab that as i ran out of the house. I didnt even pack anything else as long as there stuff was safe i didnt care if i lost everything else.

    I have thought how i would react to questions kind of like that and have planned out what i am going to say but unless you get asked i dont think you will ever really know what to say. i think it is one of those things that depends who is asking and how you are feeling at the time.
    Thinking of you and your girls.xxx

    ReplyDelete
  21. When you talked about going back into the house for their things, I understand completely. I would do the exact same thing. In my head, I've already worked out what I would grab on the way out. I would take their keepsake boxes and drop them from the window onto the ground (they are closed and hard boxes) and then gather up whatever I could in my hands. There are some things that cant be replaced...

    ReplyDelete
  22. I too regret not letting Ivy visit Zoe. I was a single mom, in the hospital myself, and I didn't know how to deal with her grief quite yet. It makes me feel terrible and Ivy brings it up. If I had it to do over, I could have handled it, but no one gives us a warning or a manual. We do what we feel is right at the time. It makes you a good mother for trying to protect your children, all of them.
    This post hit home. I hope you cheer up sooner rather thatn later..

    xo Lindsay

    ReplyDelete
  23. ((Hugs))
    I am missing Kasey too!
    Glad you are safe and it was just the alarms going off!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Aw, honey. I'm sure all the other commenters said something much more elequent than I. All I can say is that I so, so relate to the emotions you describe. I don't think I've been angry either. It doesn't really make sense to me, honestly. But I wonder if that means it's still to come.

    ReplyDelete