This week has been rough. After nearly 4 months, I have gone back to work. Not only am I back to work, but I am now working full time. Since having Emma, I have only worked part time and it has been so great for our family. Well, due to my administrators, I am being forced into working full time. This is not a decision I agree with, I am not happy about it...at all, and I fought it very hard, but I did not win. I will not go into detail here, just in case someone IRL stumbles upon my blog. I am very angry and resentful that these people can not see my need to stay part time considering the circumstances...I better stop writing about them or else this post will get VERY UGLY!!
So, everyday on my way to work I am in tears thinking about the two reasons I should not be going there...I should be home with my Sophia & Ellie right now. I wasn't planning on going back to work in August, I should be on maternity leave. So I cry pretty much the entire way to work. I get there and keep to myself. I talk to as few people as possible. Today however, we had meetings and I had to be with the entire staff. People are carrying on, enjoying each other's company, catching up, etc. And I am just sitting there trying to hold back the tears, worrying about what will be said to set me off. I made it through the first meeting, barely. I had to listen to my administrator talk about how the staff is one big family, yadayadayada.
A few people asked how I was, hugged me, and were sympathetic to my situation. Others seemed oblivious, like they have forgotten. Last time they saw me I looked full term, so it is not like it could have slipped their minds. Others just stayed away. It hurts though, it is the absence of their words that hurts. I don't know why it is so hard for people just to say, "How are you holding up?" or "Are you doing okay?" Again, some people did, but most said nothing.
Monday will be the real test. It is officially the first day of school. I am not sure if I will be able to make it through the day without crying in front of the students. I feel sorry for these poor kids in my class. Their teacher is unstable. Not only did her babies die, but she is being treated very poorly and is very unhappy. All I can do is my best, but my best today is different than it was 4 months ago.
.jpg)
I remember
3 days ago
Ah Tina, what an awful, awful week. I'm so sorry to hear about the situation at work, I wish that they would let you have hours that you are happy with.
ReplyDeleteI will be thinking of you on Monday. The last sentence of this post really hit me. My best is so different now too. xx
We are all changed forever. I went back to work full time 6 weeks after I lost Akul. I remember sitting in my office and weeping for my child after my class (interestingly many of us are teachers). I actually did not want anyone to talk to me about Akul because if they did I wouod break down and would not be able to function. My time at work was my break from grieving. I was so tired with constant grieving that pretending I was not grieving for the 2.5 hour class was a relief. At our first meeting everyone walked in and hugged me (except a couple people) and I knew they were all thinking about me and Akul. It helped me to lose myself in my students. Focus on what is positive and ignore what is not. Love and Hugss.
ReplyDeleteI hated going back to work after Freyja died. Even though it was 7 months later. And I hated it so much, that I quit my job, moved countries, and started a new job. But then I lost Kees too. And I went back to work two months after he died. Most people (actually nearly everyone) said nothing to me about him. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. How is that possible? I hate people for that. For pretending my son did not live. I hate them. I still haven't forgiven any of them for it.
ReplyDeleteGoing back to work is SOOO difficult. For me it was the last place I wanted to be, and honestly, almost 8 months after Zoe's death...it is still the last place I want to be. I am sorry Tina, hopefully work gets easier for you grieving heart. People can be so insensitive. I am sorry you were forced back to work full time, that must be frustrating. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteHi Tina,
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you had a rough experience and are dreading Monday, the only real thing work does is cause a temporary distraction. But I can tell you, my mind wanders away, and I wind up reading blogs and playing solitare to make the time pass quickly. This "distraction" was a huge nuisance to me at first, becuase it took me away from all of the things I was doing for my girls, and I always told myself that I want to do something that matters. But so far after three months of being back, I have sort of weaved my girls into my daily work life, and allow myself to wander when I need to. Xanex helps too! I wish you nothing but the best in trying to get yourself into FT mode. Who knows, maybe your jewelry will start to take off and you can quit!!! Lots of hugs to you, Nan xoxo
I'm so sorry that work was so hard and that they made you go back FT when you didn't want to. That's so unfair. I wish you didn't have to deal with such people.
ReplyDeleteI went back to work FT 6 wks after Carleigh's birth. I didn't even have enough leave saved up for 6 wks but they wouldn't let me come back before 6 wks without a dr's note and I didn't want to bother. I received support from the dept I work in and I know not everyone has such good coworkers. While most don't bring up Carleigh in conversation I know that if I talk about her they will listen.
I went back to work 2 weeks after losing the boys. I had to. I would never have gone back if I didn't do it then. I was in enough of a haze that I just jumped back in. Of course, I work in my office with the door shut so if I start to cry randomly, no one sees me. Just concentrate on today. Don't worry about Monday. Monday will come and you will concentrate on getting through the day but for me, the anticipation of going to work a full day was worse than the reality. Also, I've had co-workers say to me, "we don't know what to say to you about the boys" but that was MONTHS after the loss. You have to wait it out and rely on the people who are supporting you now. Other people will pop up and surprise you with their thoughtfulness but in the meantime, just hang on.
ReplyDeleteI too, hate when people know what happened... yet avoid talking about the matter. These people probably do not want to bring up the awkward topic of our loss babies, or simply do not know the proper words to heal and comfort.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that they have pushed you into working full time, but I commend you for staying strong.
Enjoy the weekend as much as possible. And come Monday, we'll all be praying for you to get through your first week back at work. Take care!
I quit my job afterwards as I couldn't face the reality of returning. Sending you love to get through Monday. ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteTina--I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't know what age you teach but the little kids would be hard to go back to. After my sister went back to her teaching job (PE 1st-6th) after Chase's funerl, a (cute) little girl came up to her and asked her, "so how was the funeral." just so matter of fact and pointed, in the most innocent and youthful ways. She broke down. I hope you find something good in going back to work. Maybe those you are teaching will get something extra special from you this year, something you don't even know you are giving them. You have something in you that not very many people have--and it's something that could allow you to reach your students in a way you never did before or thought you could. I don't know--I'm just trying to make you feel better about it and help you find something positive out of it. So many hugs to you. Know that your friends are here for you at the tip of your fingers if you need us.
ReplyDeleteChristy
Tina, I'm so very sorry. I hope things improve quickly. Wishing you peace and comfort for Monday.
ReplyDeleteSounds terrible. I am so sorry. We should be kept from more pain and not driven into situations where no one seems to care AND we aren't comfortable.
ReplyDeleteI hope it gets easier.
I know it must be terribly hard.
Love Lindsay
Tina, I could have written this very same post. I think it is so hard to work as a teacher after enduring such a loss. I didn't have the strength and courage to go back to my job. I resigned. I do have some regrets. For instance, now I have to worry about money and whether I'll get enough subbing work. I think doing our best is all we can do. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry honey, it is so hard. I remember my first day back very well. I think I only actially worked for about an hour and a half. The other hour and a half people were in and out of my office. Then I just left. And we went on like that for almost a month. I can't imagine having to jump right back in full force. . .
ReplyDeleteI'll be thinking of you on Monday. I know it will be hard. But hopefully, in some way, it might be a good distraction.
((Hugs))
Sometimes it is not WHAT is said, it is what is NOT said... I'll be thinking of you. When I went back to work after losing my Andrew, a coworker of mine came in to welcome be back as my students were getting out some snacks and she said, "You know, I can't help but think that when you look up at the mantal this year, you must be saying to youself... 'gosh, there should be one more stocking up there.'" I was in such shock- all I could do was nod and say, "Yup." I expected those out of the blue comments from my kids... not from adults... Wishing you well next week!
ReplyDeleteHugs-
Laura
Oh, Tina. I am so right there with you. I just wrote a blog entry that is identical to yours. School starts for me September 1 and I'm just so nervous I could throw up. I've had meetings this week, which are awful, and I just seriously wish I could quit. More than anything I wish I didn't have to go. Damn mortgage payment anyway.
ReplyDeleteI will be thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way. I'm so sorry you have to do this. And I'm sorry about your boss being a jerk.
I am so sorry that you have to go through this.
ReplyDeleteWhy is it that people can't talk to you. It really upsets me. People never wanted to talk about my divorce years ago like it was a disease.
You are going to be a wonderful teacher. I pray that, even though it will be difficult, God will give you the strength to handle each child with patience and love. I am so sorry that they are making you work full time. I am praying for you.
Take care and God Bless. ((HUGS))
You are right. It is the absence of their words that hurts so much. I pray that God carry you this coming week, especially Monday. I teach too, and wonder how this year is going to go. It's only been three months and this roller coaster of emotions is only getting less predictable.
ReplyDeleteTina, I am so sorry you have extra drama to add to your pain. Sending hugs and will be thinking of you on Monday. Lately I've been thinking to mayself all of the things I have fought through, the loss of my babies being the worst of course. Im trying to convince myself that I am strong, that I can get through this. Maybe some sort of positive mantra would help you, not to get all namaste on you or anything ;) Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteGosh, that's tough. It's hard to now have to throw yourself back (full time - yikes!!) into a totally different role and persona, unrelated to your baby-loss, when you've been grieving the past four months. Wishing you the best as you return to what others consider the "normal working world" (which I'm sure seems totally abnormal to you).
ReplyDeleteTina,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to see that you are being forced into full time work before you are ready. I understand your need for more time(I haven't felt up to going back yet and its been almost a year) Grieving is the hardest work a mother can do, and in and of itself, healing can be a full time job. I hate that people minimize the pain of losing babies, if you had lost your husband they would understand your need for more time. I wish there was some way to make your administrators see that it is just too early. Be gentle with yourself, do what feels right for you and what you feel up to. Oh Tina, I am just so, so sorry.
Going back to work is the WORST. I work from home and it was incredibly hard to have to STAY in my home, work next to their nursery that did not have babies in it. It was horrible, still is. I am in the works of getting a new position.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you in hopes that you find peace in the upcoming days, weeks, months. Be easy on yourself my dear.
*hugs*