Sophia's & Ellie's Christmas Ornament

I want to share something with you all. I have found what I think is the perfect Christmas ornament on the Internet. (That is, as perfect as can be considering our situation.) It is a sleeping baby wrapped in wings. I just ordered 2 from this website http://www.getfed.com/. I can't post a picture because of copyright issues, but here is the link to the item:

Joseph's Studio Baby's First Christmas Ornament at Getfed Discount Catholic Catalog

I also ordered 2 indoor statues that look very similar to the ornament so I can keep them out all year long. And I ordered 2 outdoor outdoor statues that also depict sleeping babies wrapped in wings. All of the pieces were somewhat affordable and shipping was free!!

I don't really think of my Sophia & Ellie as angels, but I do think of them as two Heavenly beings that are absolutely perfect in every way. Anyway, I just thought I would share because I know some of you have been searching for the perfect ornament to represent your babies and this is as close to it I have found.

Don't forget to visit Jeanette's blog to enter her giveaway and check back here tomorrow to see where to go next. Peace to you my friends!!

And the winner of the 1st giveaway is.....

I held out on randomly choosing a winner for as long as I could to make sure everyone had time to leave a comment. So without further hesitation, random.org chose #18 as the winner...................................................


That is Nicolle from Missing Kasey!!


Congratulations Nicolle!!!! Please e-mail me at hutchtina@bak.rr.com and we will discuss what you want exactly!


I loved hearing all of your ideas on keeping your babies' spirits alive during the holiday season. I know we all do what we can on a daily basis, but it is these holidays that we feel our losses even more (I think.)


I wish I could give a necklace to all of you. But since that is not possible, I would like to offer all of you bloggers a 10% discount through November 30th. If you want to take advantage of this offer, then convo me on etsy or e-mail me telling me who you are and which peice you are interested in and I will set up a listing for you. If you are on facebook, you can also become a fan here.


Tomorrow's givieaway is being hosted by Jeanette at Lazy Seamstress. Jeanette is a WONDERFUL seamstress (I am so jealous!) so go by and leave her a comment so you can be entered to win her very special giveaway.

Thank you for being a part of 25 Days of Giveaways!!!

25 Days of Giveaways...Day 1!!!

Happy Black Friday!!! Can you believe Christmas is in less than a month now??? I know that this holiday season is going t0 be a difficult one for me (and you.) Shopping needs to be done and it always makes me sad to see all the things I would love to buy for my sweet Sophia & Ellie. That is why I decided to do what I can to spread some joy to our community. So with the help of 24 other lovely ladies we are doing 1 giveaway a day for the next 25 days. So check back here every morning to see where to go for that day's giveaway. Don't forget because each giveaway will probably only last for 1 day (sorry to those of you who live oceans away, I hope you are able to participate in this too!)

Now for the first giveaway...

I am having a really hard time deciding what to give. Of course it will be one of my handstamped pieces, but not everyone has the same needs. So I am going to "advertise" my newest creation for the giveaway, but if it doesn't fit your needs, I will be happy to work with you and create the perfect piece just for you. So here it is...my newest necklace and it can be yours...

All you have to do is leave me a comment and tell me any special things you might me doing to keep your babies' spirits alive during this holiday season. Here a few things we are doing: My parentes bought us a white Christmas Tree that we plan on decorating with mostly pink ornaments just for Sophia & Ellie. I also want to have a special stocking made (or purchase) for them to hang with the rest of ours. However, I can't find what I want anywhere (any suggestions would be great!) Also, the girls are buried under an olive tree and I want to have some ornaments painted with their names to hang in the tree during this season. Anyway...I can't wait to here (and steal!) some of your ideas too. Leave me a comment quickly!!! I will randomly choose a winner this evening!!!

Thanks for participating and don't forget to check back here tomorrow to see where to go next!!!

7 months

Yesterday was 7 months since Sophia & Ellie left us. It was a busy day for me. I didn't go to work because I had a few appointments. So in between taking the kids to school and my first appointment, I went out to the cemetery. I took the girls the most beautiful lavender roses (I know not very Thanksgivingish, but they reminded me of the spray that was on top of their casket.) On my way out there I kept thinking of all the things I should have picked up on, things I should have felt weren't right. I still harbor so much guilt for losing them; I know it's not my fault, but I still feel guilty...I should have known.

Last night we went to a friend's house for a little get together. Our school librarian "A" was there. A lost identical twin boys to TTTS 24 years ago. I found out about this after I lost the girls, but she had never spoken to me about it. Last night she brought it up and we talked for a while about our losses. She told me the hurt never goes away and that she too carries guilt with her. She said she heard a song on the radio a few weeks ago and it is one that she has always associated with her boys and she started crying. She said that when she sees twins still, it hurts. A has 5 other children (1 older than the twins and 4 younger) but she said none of them have ever filled the void from losing her boys. It was so nice to be able to talk to her, someone who knows what it feels like. I am sure my experience was very difficult for her, first me being pregnant with twins, then losing them; it couldn't have been easy even after all this time. I appreciate her talking to me last night, she is a good friend.

Today is Thanksgiving and I have so much to be thankful for. I sometimes forget all the blessings I have in my life. It is so easy for me to focus on the things I am missing, but I truly am fortunate. We are going to my parents house and will spend the day with my family. Holidays just aren't the same for me anymore. I used to wake up excited for the day's festivities, now I wake up thinking of my girls and not even realizing it is a holiday. I would love to skip this season altogether, but I have to get through it for Brady & Emma.

I hope you all have a wonderful day and are surrounded by good food, friends, family and peace. Don't forget to check back here tomorrow for the kickoff of 25 Days of Giveaways!!!

Happy Thanksgiving Sophia & Ellie. Mommy wishes you were her with us to celebrate your first turkey day. Know we will be thinking of you and missing you as always. xoxo

25 Days of Giveaways!!!

I am so excited!!! We have 21 giveaways planned starting with the day after Thanksgiving. We have a few more spots available if anyone else is interested...you can just leave me a comment. I have contacted everyone who has expressed interest, but there are a few of you who I had to leave comments for since I couldn't locate your e-mail address. If you haven't heard from me yet, let me know so I can send you all the info.

Also, Angie had a GREAT suggestion. She thought we could maybe use a button to get the word out about our giveaways. And, she offered to design it too! I love it Angie! Thank you so much! So grab the button and start spreading the word...We have 4 more days till the first giveaway, and I am the first host, so come back and see me on Friday!!!!!

12 Days of Christmas...maybe more!!!

Yay!!!! I am so excited about the response for our 12 Days of Christmas Giveaways!!! (If you don't have any idea what I am talking about read my last post.) We will definitely be able to do at least 12 days of giveaways and help to cheer all of us baby lost mamas up!

Just a few notes...I will be contacting all who wish to host a giveaway and let you know which day you will be (if you have a preference please let me know.) I know some of you are concerned about Christmas delivery. I don't think it matters if your item arrives before or after Christmas (unless it is a seasonal item.) The purpose is to spread some joy in our worlds and that can be at anytime!! All of your ideas will be great!!! I can't wait to hear more about them! If you still want to participate its not too late, just leave me a comment or send me an e-mail!!!

I can't wait! You all have already brightened my day by making this crazy idea in my head a reality!!! Thank you, thank you , thank you!

Whose up for spreading some happiness?

Okay I can't get this out of my head. I tried to forget about it, but it keeps popping back into my mind. Especially today as I see posts from some of you fellow bloggers about the upcoming holidays and how we wish we could just skip over them because it hurts so much not to have all of our children with us. So here it is:

To those of you who are "crafty" in some way, I am thinking about us all joining together and doing a Twelve Days of Christmas (or however many days we can.) What I mean is each of us who choose to participate will host a giveaway to help spread some happiness to us who will so desperately be needing it. It would be great if we can do one a day from the day after Thanksgiving until Christmas Day, but even if it is just a few I still think it would help to lift our spirits.

Anyway, let me know what your thoughts are on this and if you would like to host a giveaway on your blog. (If I don't hear from some of you out there soon who I know have a special talent, I will be contacting you!! :)

Fight for Preemies

Today, November 17 is dedicated to raising awareness of the crisis of premature birth. The March of Dimes invites bloggers like us to get involved.

• Learn about premature birth at marchofdimes.com/fightforpreemies
• Put a badge on your blog during November, Prematurity Awareness Month®
• On November 17, blog for a baby you love and to help othersWe need to fight
― because babies shouldn’t have to.

I often wonder if it were 10, 15, 20, or more years in the furute, if my girls would have a chance of surviving. If the day comes when babies who are born at 21 weeks have a chance of survival, it will be very bittersweet for me. Sweet because less mommies will have to loose their precious babies, but bitter because that means my girls could have survived, just not at this time.

Anyway, it really doesn't matter...it's just something I think about.

Missing and loving you as always Sophia & Ellie. xoxo

It may be long, but at least the font is big!!

I can't believe I have gone over 2 weeks without posting!! I have been trying to read all the blogs I follow when I can, but there are just not enough hours in the day! Emma & I were sick for 2 weeks, h1n1...not fun! Going back to work after missing 9 days meant a lot of catching up to do. Not to mention my house was left is a state of disaster! So, today is Veteran's Day and I am enjoying a day off...remembering what it is like to not have to work Monday-Friday and having days off during the week..."big sigh." So here is my long post pf catching up. Please remember as you are reading that yes it may be long in length, but at least the font is big!!

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A few days before Halloween was the kids' school carnival. Emma was doing the oh so fun Cake Walk as Hutch & I stood and watched her number not get called time and time again. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a stroller with a pink blanket draped over it. When I looked again it was actually a double stroller with two pink blankets. I just don't understand it. I didn't know who the family was, so I don't know their story, but I don't get why we didn't get to bring home our girls. I just wish I had answers.

Halloween began as any other day. I was not feeling particularly upset or happy, just kind of going through the motions. We went to a friend's house for dinner and to take the kids trick-or-treating. As we were walking it just didn't feel right. Hutch asked me what was wrong and I told him I should be pushing a stroller right now. It is so hard to enjoy these activities and holidays when our family is not altogether.

Emma was an angel for Halloween. I don't know if that seems weird to people or not. I wonder if some think it was my decision because I can't move past losing the girls. No one has said anything to me and really if that is what someone is thinking it doesn't matter. I mentioned to Emma a few months ago that she could be an angel. She liked the idea right away and stuck with it. Normally she changes her mind every hour, but not this time. I think for her it may have been a way to connect to her sisters. She did mention at the last minute that she wished she could have been a cheerleader, but oh well...she is 5! Here are a couple of pics:

:::

Emma was asked in class the other day what she was thankful for. Her reply was," For God giving me sisters." She too doesn't understand why they can't be with us. I feel badly for her that at such a young age, death is a reality to her. She gets upset and worries about me dying. This is something that has bothered her before I even was pregnant with Sophia & Ellie, so I know their deaths are not the cause for all her fears. However, I can no longer say, "Don't worry mommy is not going to die." I can't lie to her when she knows that people do die, old and young, age doesn't matter. I try to console her and tell her that everyone has to die at some point and that is why we have to make the best of each day that we have with each other. I don't know if these are the right words, but it is all I have right now.

:::

On Saturday the cemetery where the girls are buried had a Baby Memorial Service. We did not receive an invitation or anything in the mail. Hutch happened to see it in the newspaper and showed me. I called and spoke to someone about the service. I wanted to know if we needed to RSVP or give them our babies names or any other information. She informed me that they did not need anything from us. It was just a ceremony to honor the lives of all babies who had left too soon. She said that it seems to bring much comfort to people who did not bury their babies or who had miscarriages. I explained to her that we were able to spend time with our girls and they are buried there. I asked her if it was something that was more geared towards people who did not have that opportunity. She said it was meant for anyone who had lost a baby, but I still wasn't sure.

By Saturday morning my stress level was at a max. I was so overwhelmed with all I had to do at home on top of still trying to get caught up at work. We decided to go to the service. As we walked in I saw a lady outside crying. I thought about going and hugging her, but I thought it might be odd, so I didn't. I wasn't emotional at this point. However, once we walked through the doors, the tear came. I couldn't stop crying throughout the entire service. I had not cried like that in a very long while. I tear up almost everyday, but I was on the verge of sobbing a couple time. I must have been quite a sight! But it felt good. I have felt so much better since that day. We had the kids with us and Emma kept telling Hutch that she couldn't make me stop crying. She was trying her hardest with all her hugs and kisses, but nothing she did worked. Hutch just told her that it was okay. He also shed a tear or two. On our way out of the chapel Brady stopped to give me a big hug. My children really are so sweet.

It was a super emotional day and I was exhausted, but I felt so much better after letting it all out. Sometimes that is just so hard for me to do. I don't know why. I think maybe it is because I don't like to feel like I am burdening others with my pain. I wish I knew how to make it different.

:::

The other teacher with whom I shared a due date returned to work on Monday. I haven't really spoken to her since she had her baby girl. It has been hard for me to find the right words to say. After school I went into her room and asked her how her first day back was. I offered her the formula samples I keep getting in the mail. She asked how I was doing. I told her it was hard. I have good and bad days, good moments and bad moments. I told her that I didn't want her to feel as if she couldn't talk about her daughter if I was around. It might sting a little bit, but this is her new baby and I don't think it is fair that she doesn't get to share all her stories just to spare my feelings. She was very understanding. She has had a few miscarriages and understands how it can be hurtful. But she also said that she can't comprehend the pain I live with. I am glad I went to chat with her. I was hesitant to do so, but I think it was probably good for both of us.

:::

A dear friend IRL today sent me a message today saying she found my blog. (Insert silence here.) In her message she said how wonderful she thought it was and that she thinks it is great that I have found this space to share my feelings and so on. It is a very weird feeling to know that someone who really knows me has read this. I can't put it into words, but you probably know what I mean. I think it might goes back to two paragraphs up. I have a hard time expressing my feelings, but here I just write what I feel and if someone leaves me a comment, that is great, if not, I still have gotten that emotion out of my head.

I asked her not to share this with anyone, I am not ready to go public yet. I invited her to keep reading and I truly won't mind if she does I think just knowing she might is what makes it okay. I suspect that there are a few others out there who know me IRL that are reading too, but I don't know who. I don't know why it matters, but it does. However, this is my space and I am going to write what I need to write. That is why I started this blog, it is a space for to write and hopefully heal.

:::

Again, I am sorry for such a long post, but like I said...at least the font was big!!!!

October's Secret Garden Meeting

If you haven't visited The Secret Garden Meeting before click on the button to the left and go see what other bereaved parents have to say. It is a great place of comfort and support.

Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

I am 6 months, 2 weeks, and 3 days out from losing Sophia & Ellie. I don't really know where I am in my grief. I think I am kind of numb right now. I am able to go through the motions of a day, but when I sit back and think of what I have lost, it just takes my breath away. I sometimes worry that I am avoiding dealing with my grief. I try not to avoid my feelings, but it is so hard for me sometimes.

I still miss my girls. It still hurts like hell. I have started to let my mind go back to that day. It is really hard, but bits and pieces at a time are much easier for me to process than the whole picture at once. I know I will always hurt and long for Sophia & Ellie. Nothing is ever going to change that.

I don't know how I hope to feel in the future. I can't imagine feeling whole again or like our family is complete. Something is ALWAYS going to be missing from my life, no matter how full it is. I do feel like I have found some peace with my loss. I am not completely at peace, but it is a start.