Saturday, June 27, 2009

Random Thoughts

Thursday was 2 months since losing the girls. A few days after the delivery Emma drew a couple pictures for them. One was a picture of her, Sophia, and Ellie with I heart u written on it and the other was of Sophia, Ellie, and Jesus with 1 heart u. Hutch told her we could send them up to Heaven on balloons for them. Well, we hadn't actually done this yet. There were a few times we had planned on it, but it just didn't work out for what ever reason. So we decided to do it on this special day, June 25th, 2 months since having them.
After dinner, Hutch went the store and got a dozen balloons, 6 pink and 6 purple. We attached Emma's 2 pictures and a letter I too had written to Sophia & Ellie. Brady & Emma each wrote a messages on a balloon. Then we went out in our backyard and blew our angels some kisses and released the balloons. It was enjoyable to watch the balloons scatter and then find each other up in the sky. We all stayed out back and watched as the balloons flew away until we could no longer see them .

It is so hard to believe that it has been 2 month since having them. Right now I should be 30+ weeks pregnant and getting ready to deliver some time soon. It is so maddening to not know what went wrong. Was it my body or was TTTS to blame? I have asked my OB and she says TTTS was never diagnosed (which I knew), but from what I have read it can develop rather quickly. On one hand I would like to have this syndrome to blame because if not, then all I have to blame is my body. And it is so hard to accept the fact that my body failed my babies. These babies that I so loved and wanted, but my body could not handle. What does that say about me as a mother? I know this is not my fault and I am not seeking someone to blame, I just wish I had answers, or maybe I don't...

Hutch & I went to the cemetery on Tuesday. As we were driving up, something looked different to me. I started walking to where Sophia & Ellie are buried and there it was, their headstone. It had been a real crappy day, so seeing this for the first time lifted my heart a little bit. I now have something to see instead of a patch of grass when I go to visit. We could tell the headstone had just been set that day and it made me thankful that I was there to see it the day it had been laid.

On our way out there Hutch was saying he can't believe that it has only been two months and that it feels like forever ago since that awful day. I told him that sometimes to me it feels like yesterday. Sometimes, especially lately, the pain is so fresh and raw and it just hurts so much that it feels like it just happened.

Thanks for "listening" to my rambling, I just has lots of little things to share.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Under The Tree

Go visit Carly and gather Under the Tree with us!!!

Hair Color: Brunette - well that's the color it is supposed to be, right now it has a little gray in it, actually a lot!
Eye color: Brown
Profession: Teacher/Mother to 4 wonderful children
Relationship status: Married

My Favorites:
Favorite color: I don't really have one, but if I had to choose I would say magenta
Favorite movie: The Hangover
Favorite animal: not too much of an animal person
Favorite store: William~Sonoma
Favorite childhood memory: Going to the beach with my family
Favorite hobby: Making Jewelry
Favorite song/singer: Bob Marley
Favorite book/author: I haven't really read an adult book since I had Emma, so maybe the children's authors Tomie dePaola or Judy Schachner
Favorite school subject: Math
Favorite vacation destination: Would love to go to Italy and see where my grandma grew up!
Favorite food: cheese enchiladas
Favorite restaurant: don't have one

This or That
Coke or pepsi : Diet pepsi
Beer or wine: Both!
Coffee or tea: Both again!
Apple Juice or O.J.: OJ
Summer or Winter: Summer
Cats or dogs: Neither
Salty or sweet: Sweet!
Plane or boat: Plane or boat, I don't care as long as I am getting out of here!!
Morning or night: either sometimes neither
Money or love: Love
Breakfast or dinner: Dinner
Forgiveness or revenge: Forgiveness
House or apartment: House
Like to cook: Yes, even though I have hardly done it in the last 2 months!

Have You Ever:
Got a speeding ticket: Ummm, I don't think so
Wished you were someone else: Yes I have, but in reality, no, there is not much I would change.
Cried during a movie: Yes and most commercials

Describe yourself in one word: Caring
Biggest fear: upsetting others(this was my original answer, but after reading Rikki's post I am changing it...) I am living through it since losing my babies.
Biggest mistake: hmmmm...I don't know...
Your proudest accomplishment: All 4 of my children
Dream job: Working for myself, selling my jewelry all over the world
Special talents: I am pretty crafty
Where would you rather be at the moment: away from it all
Famous person you want to meet: can't think of any I would want to meet...
Song to be played at your funeral: something that would bring peace to my loved ones

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Part 2...TWINS!!!

Then in December 2008 I took a home pregnancy test and it came back positive!!!

After the initial shock wore off, we were so excited. We were not actively TTC, but knew it was a possibility. I really felt that this baby was meant to be. I couldn't wait to add another member to our family.

The pregnancy was progressing well. We only told a few people we were expecting because of my past history. I didn't want to have to explain a miscarriage to Emma. She had been wanting a baby brother or sister for quite some time and I just knew she would be so excited about it!!! So we waited to tell the kids and most people until we heard the heartbeat.

At 12 weeks we went in for our appointment and heard the heartbeat, just one. We felt everything was going well with the pregnancy, so it was finally safe to tell the kids. A few days later we announced it to them. Of course, Emma was thrilled and Brady was excited too in his own quiet way. After the announcement to them everyone else soon knew, Emma couldn't keep it a secret and it was time to spill the beans.

At 15 weeks I had a little bit of spotting. We went in to see a nurse practitioner. She came in the room, pulled back the gown and said, "Whoa, how far along are you?" I said, "Fifteen weeks." "Either you are off on your dates, or there's TWO in there!" Well I knew I wasn't off on my dates, but I thought NO WAY!!! What are the chances of there being TWO babies in there? NO WAY!!! So she checked me and said everything seemed fine, but she sent me down to ultrasound to check how many babies we had.

Now, I have to say that all along I had felt bigger, faster with this pregnancy. We joked about twins, but NEVER thought it was a possibility. I just figured it was my third baby, sixth pregnancy, I was 34, and that is why I was getting bigger.

We sat in the lobby waiting to see the u/s tech. Hutch was freaked...TWO babies??? I told him to relax, there was no way there were two. The tech called us back. She squirted the gel on my belly, put the wand on and within a few seconds she said, "There's two!" OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hutch was in disbelief. He just sat there, very quietly. I too was in disbelief, but all I could do was giggle. The tech had to ask me to keep still so she could finish the u/s. WOW...TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How exciting!!! I felt so lucky, like I had won the lottery. We hadn't planned on having 2 more kids, but oh my gosh what a MIRACLE!!! I truly felt like this was meant to be.

(Today is two months since losing the girls. This is all I can write for now. It hurts too much to relive it all at once...)

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Father's Day

I wasn't sure how Father's Day was going to be for me. I seemed to be more worried about it than Mother's Day...I don't know why. Maybe I was still too numb to really be concerned with Mother's Day. Anyway, a few days before Father's Day I went to the Hallmark shop to buy cards. I was doing okay until I went to look for one for Hutch from me. I started to get emotional. Then I noticed a pregnant woman next to me...that made it even worse. I moved down so I wouldn't have to see her picking up the father-to-be cards. Then another pregnant woman came in to look at the FD cards too. So I am surrounded by pregnant women, have tears rolling down my cheeks, I'm sniffing, trying to be inconspicuous...but I don't think it worked so well. I really wanted to say, "Sorry, I know I seem emotional, but my husband & I just lost our twin girls. Looking at these cards is very difficult." But I knew they didn't need or care to know, so I found the cards I needed and got out of there.

Then there was Father's Day itself. As I previously mentioned, I wanted to surprise Hutch with the photos Carly had taken of Sophia & Ellie's names in the sand. I had them printed and framed. The night before, I wrote a letter to him explaining how I got these beautiful pictures and some things I have been feeling lately. He read the letter and looked at the pictures and just hugged me. It was one of those hugs that lasted longer than normal, the kind when someone just needs to be held for a little while. He got teary eyed (Hutch is not the type of guy to cry a whole lot) and said he loved them. Thank you Carly, they were so perfect!!!

The afternoon was spent with my family and then we had a quiet evening at home. So all in all it was a good day, and emotional day, spent missing our girls, but it was still good.

We love you Sophia & Ellie!!!

Saturday, June 20, 2009

8 weeks

Today is 8 weeks since losing Sophia and Ellie. It's not fair and it really sucks. That's all I can say...

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I will be okay

Today has been a particularly bad day for me. Today Emma had dress rehearsal for her dance recital which is Friday. When I first found out I was pregnant, I knew her recital would take place sometime in June and I also knew I would still be pregnant. I had even bought a dress that I planned to wear to the recital. Well, now things are so different than I planned, so different than they should be and it is so hard. As I sat there today I couldn't help but wonder if Sophia & Ellie would have danced together on that stage. If they would have curly hair like Emma's. Who would have stayed with them while I took Emma to rehearsal. All of these questions ran through my mind as I tried not to let the other moms see my tears.

I know this is probably the first of many things that will be different than I imagined. The next few months are going to be filled with difficult times. But I will survive. I will get through them. There will be lots of tears, but that is okay. I will be okay. I will never be the person I was before Sophia & Ellie, nor do I want to be. But I will be okay.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Sophia & Ellie ~ names in the sand

Sophia and Ellie's names were written in the sand and pictures were posted on the website today. I am so thankful to Carly for taking on this amazing project. It is such a wonderful way for us to remember our children who are no longer with us.

I am planning on surprising Hutch with these beautiful photos on Father's Day. He and I deal with our grief very differently. I think he is a typical man who tends to hide his emotions and keep what he is feeling to himself. I, on the other hand, would love to talk about my precious girls all day every day to anyone who would listen. (Of course I don't do that, but in a perfect world I would!) So, I think he will really appreciate what these pieces of art represent to us. They represent our girls who are a part of our family that is missing from our everyday lives, but are very much present in our hearts and souls.

Thank you Carly!!!

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Part 1...The Beginning

Hutch & I got married February 3, 1996. We were young and carefree and enjoying life. He had recently graduated from college and I was still working on finishing up (he is much more driven than I am.) Within the first year of being married, we became pregnant. We were excited, but a little scared as well. This was going to be a new adventure for us.

We had a very normal and uneventful pregnancy and Brady was born June 26, 1997. He was a big beautiful baby that we adored. Oh I forgot to mention that at my 20 week ultrasound, we were told we were having a girl!! Much to our surprise, he wasn't. When the doctor delivered him, she said, "It's a boy!" Hutch said, "Is she joking?!?" After adjusting to our BOY, our new life began.

When Brady was 3 1/2 years old he was diagnosed with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. This can be a very debilitating disease that can have long lasting, life altering effects. We did not know what the outcome would be for our son, and decided that if we were going to have to live with major handicaps, we might not want to have anymore children. We thought it would not be fair to Brady or to any siblings if so much time would have to be devoted to this terrible disease. After battling with JRA for about one year, he was considered symptom free and in remission!!!

That was when we could start thinking about having another baby. The summer of 2002 I became pregnant. Brady was 5 and had started Kindergarten. Everything seemed to be normal with the pregnancy until my 12 week appointment. It was the first time we were going to hear the baby's heartbeat. The doctor put the Doppler on my belly, but she could not find the heartbeat. She sent me down to ultrasound and again, no heartbeat. I was devastated. Not only had we lost this baby, but now I had to tell our son that this baby would not be. This baby that probably didn't even seem real to him, was not going to be in our lives. It was very sad, but we moved on.

The next year was spent trying to get pregnant again, which I did...two more times, which both also ended in miscarriage. These latter two miscarriages happened very early on. I did not know I was pregnant either time, until I started cramping and bleeding heavily and went in for lab work. This is when I found out I had been pregnant. At this point my doctor had me tested for various conditions that could possibly explain the three losses.

My lab work came back borderline for Anticardiolipin syndrome which means I have a clotting disorder that blocks blood supply to the placenta. Finally, an explanation and a solution. As soon as I found out I was pregnant again, I would have to start daily injections of the blood thinner Lovenox and take baby aspirin. I would have to do this until 34 weeks gestation. Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but at least I had hope.

In August of 2003, I became pregnant again. I immediately started the injections and aspirin and things were moving along just fine. We heard the heartbeat early on and saw the baby via ultrasound many times. This time we found out we were having a girl, and every time we had an ultrasound I made sure she still looked like a surprises this time!!! Finally on May 21, 2004 (a few weeks early) we had our daughter, Emma. She was beautiful and perfect.

We were loving our family, but part of me always wanted to add more to it. We have a 7 year gap between our first two kids and time just kept passing us by. Our kids just kept getting older and older (it's funny how they do that) and before we knew it Brady was 11 and Emma was 4. That meant Kindergarten for her next year and maybe back to work full time for me.

Then in December 2008 I took a home pregnancy test and it came back positive!!!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I know, it happened to me too...

Okay, I do not mean to hurt anyone or take away form anyone else's pain, but I am so tired of people telling me that their miscarriage is in some way the same as me losing my girls. It is not the same. I have had three miscarriages and none of them in anyway compare to what I physically and emotionally endured when losing Sophia and Ellie. I felt my girls moving inside of me, I bonded with them for 21 weeks, I gave BIRTH to them, held their perfect little bodies in my arms, and kissed their sweet heads. I had to make choices about their remains that no parent should ever have to do...this WAS NOT a miscarriage and for one to say they know my pain because they too had a miscarriage is simply not true!

I sympathize with those out there who have suffered miscarriages. I know it is hard, I've been there and I am sorry for your loss too. It is definitely a loss. I don't mean to sound callus or insensitive but I have been on both sides of the fence and while they are both difficult in their own ways, they are not the same.

I hope no one has taken offense to this post (how arrogant for me to assume you are even reading it :) but I just had to vent...

Friday, June 5, 2009

New places...

Hutch is out of town tonight. Someone that I am very close to, I will call this person "M," called and asked the kids and me to go to dinner with them. They were going to a place that we used to frequent very regularly. Well, the people at this restaurant knew I was pregnant with twins and they do know we lost Sophia and Ellie, but we have not been there since. Now, "M" is WONDERFUL in every way and has been by side from day one of this journey, but here is how the rest of the conversation went:

Me: Oh, I don't know if I want to go there.
M: Why?
Me: Because I haven't been yet.
M: So...
Me: So?!?!

I could not believe that she said, "So!" I know she did not mean to hurt me, but she did. She has no idea what it is like to lose a child. She was pregnant three times and has three healthy children. She would be mortified if she knew that I was writing about this and she would be just as mortified if she knew that she hurt me. I have already forgiven her, but it just feels like maybe she is already forgetting the pain I am in.

In reality I just don't think other people understand how hard it is to go to places like this after our loss. Places where everyone knows our story, places where we envisioned we would one day go with our new babies, places where people will look at us and there will be awkward silences even though we want them to say something to us about our loss, to recognize that we have two more children, and to say they are sorry if nothing else. People who have not suffered like us just don't understand.

Please tell me there are others that feel this way too, I can not be alone in this...Right?!?!?

Thursday, June 4, 2009

In 3 months...

I didn't realize it until tonight at dinner, but today is three months until my due date. We had Chinese food tonight and Hutch & Brady both found this fortune in their cookies:

"Remember three months from this date. Good things are in store for you."

What good things could possibly be in store for me in 3 months? My pain will still be here, my girls will still not be here, I just don't know that anything will be better in 3 months. I know this is just a piece of paper wrapped up in a cookie, but did we have to get them today? Did it have to say in 3 months? I know that Sophia & Ellie would not have even been born on their due date. I probably would have had a scheduled c-section much earlier than this, but still this made for a very rough evening. Just think how I would be if those fortunes were in MY cookie!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Hi there!

Hi...This is Tina and this is my first post in my "blogging" adventures. I decided to give this a shot a few days ago after reading other peoples' inspiring blogs. Here is why:

On April 25, 2009 I went into labor and gave birth to our twin girls, Sophia and Ellie. They were 19 weeks too early and too little to save. This journey that I am now on is so different than what I had envisioned for our family. My girls should be in my womb still, not where they lie today.

And so I thought I would give blogging a chance as one more outlet to my "recovery" (for lack of a better word.) I will post my story later, but it is going to have to be the right time and I will need to have the time to do so.