Saturday, September 24, 2011

hall pass

I realized something tonight, something that I have NEVER given a thought to in the past 2 years and 5 months. I really am surprised at myself, kind of embarrassed too...

Hutch and I watched "Hall Pass" tonight (a pretty funny movie if you haven't seen it.) At the end, one of the characters, Fred, is at the hospital and on his way up to see his wife. I wondered what he was thinking at that moment. Then it hit me...

When I went into labor with Sophia and Ellie, Hutch was not home, he had left earlier that morning for a golf tournament. My mom took me to the hospital and I called Hutch and told him something was wrong and he needed to meet us there. He drove from the golf course to the hospital (probably a 30 minute drive under normal circumstances) and came up the elevator by himself. I wonder what he was thinking, how he was feeling. I am sure he was scared to see what he was walking into, although he knew it wasn't good. He got there just in time for both of our beautiful daughters to be born.

I can't believe I have never thought about how he was feeling on his way to us, what he was thinking, how he was coping with the possibilities of who knows what at that point. I usually think about other people's feelings, I try really hard to, but this has never entered my mind. I suppose I could ask him, but the time needs to be right. I guess I have been so wrapped up in my own grief and my own memories of that day that I never thought about what he was feeling before he got there. Maybe the fact that I am realizing this now means I am making progress. Or maybe this silly little movie we watched just triggered this for me. It's funny, the things that make me think of my little ones. But then again, they are always right there, in all my thoughts.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

a sweet conversation

We were standing in line, an elderly lady was behind us and talking to us about Gigi.

lady (to Emma): Are you her big sister?

Emma: Yes.

lady: Do you have any other brothers or sisters?

Emma: Yes, I have a brother and two other sisters.

me: a big smile and a very warm heart

That girl of mine is the sweetest!


Tomorrow is my EDD (2 years ago). I know Sophia & Ellie wouldn't have made it to their due date, but it still makes me sit here and wonder what my life would be like with 2 two year olds. I wish I knew.

Tomorrow is also the day I miscarried the first pregnancy after the twins. I can't imagine our lives without Gigi, but I still wonder who that little one was.