Saturday, January 16, 2010

Update (another long one...sorry!)

Sigh...can you hear my relief to be off of work for THREE whole days??? Things have been crazy around here and I have been in a major funk. I haven't had a chance to write or update anything here. I have been reading, but don't always have time to comment on your posts. So one of my goals for this weekend is to CATCH UP!!!

First off...this pregnancy. It is so different for me this time around. I don't have the excitement and happiness that I have always had before, even with the last one (the m/c in Sept.) I really think in the beginning it was my mind's way of protecting itself. I felt totally disconnected and almost in denial in a way. I took a hpt in early October. Just one line showed up so I threw it in the trash. Then a while later, I though I should take another look at it because I am never patient enough to wait the whole three minutes! I looked and there was a second faint pink line. I went in for a blood test and it came back borderline. So you see, I have been doubtful from the beginning. I had to wait over the weekend to go back in for another blood test. This time it came back positive, but I had to keep going back weekly until the levels reached a certain point. Then we went in for an u/s. There is was; my flittering piece of rice. I wondered were the other baby was, I was really hoping for twins again, knowing the chances were so very slim and also knowing another set of twins COULD NEVER replace Sophia & Ellie, but still holding on to wanting that experience. Anyway...just one.

I have been being monitored closely by my OB. She is kind of throwing everything at me because we are not sure what caused the preterm labor with the girls. I guess I am okay with that; I don't know, I wish I were more informed, but what can I do? My thoughts are, if I didn't do the things she is recommending and I lost this baby too, I would fell soooo guilty. So I am going along with her plan.

At about 12 weeks, I had a cerclage. The cerclage went well. It was on a Monday and by Thursday I felt very normal. I went out to do a little shopping and suddenly felt a gush. I had been spotting, but this was way more than that. I called the dr and got in to see the nurse practitioner, the same one I saw a few times with the twins. She checked me and didn't say anything except, "I am going to send you down to u/s and to see Dr. U" (my OB.) This np always is very chatty and she scared me when she didn't say more than that. Hutch was out of town so I anxiously sat waiting to be squeezed in. I finally got in to u/s and there it was again...this time a peanut with a great hb. Still just one, but I felt a relief. Dr. checked everything and thought it was just a"scab" that had fallen off and after a couple hours the bleeding stopped altogether. After that scare I felt a little more connected, but still not "normal."

All along I haven't known my due date, haven't known how many weeks along I am, haven't known much...just disconnected. I debated whether to find out the gender. We always have in the past because I am impatient and need to plan, but I thought this will be our last baby and there will not be much need to plan for things this time. I will be waiting to do the nursery, but clothes, etc. But I needed to know. I need to know as much as I can so that I am not surprised by anything on the day I deliver this baby (yes I know what I said here, "when" not "if".) So we scheduled a 17 week gender check (this is when I finally realized my due date and how many weeks along I was.) When I first thought of having another baby I thought I would want a boy. I wanted Sophia & Ellie to be my last girls, but as the pregnancy developed my thought started to change, I don't know why, maybe it is because I have a prepubescent boy in the house ??? But regardless, I started thinking girl. So this is part of why I needed to know, I did not want to feel any disappointment when I deliver if it is a boy. I think I will be dealing with enough emotions when we get to that point and I don't want disappointment to be one if I can help it...I hope that doesn't sound terrible because I would welcome and love a baby boy just as much as a baby girl.

So my feelings of disconnect have lessened, but not completely. Very few people IRL know that I am even pregnant. My parents do and a handful of close friends, but that is it. No one in Hutch's family knows, my siblings don't know, and we just told our kids a couple weeks ago. I just have such weird feelings about it and I need to share them here to know if they are normal or not. Here are some reasons I don't really want to tell people:

I don't want people to think that this will make me all better. That this baby will replace my girls...that will never happen, there is no replacing them (you all know that why am I even writing it?) I don't want to hear all the happy baby/pregnancy talk. People have no idea what can go wrong at any point in a pg or afterward, they are ignorant to the fact that something can go wrong at any time. So I don't want to hear all their "well wishes' no matter how well intended they are.

Here is another thing that is really bothering me. My sil is pregnant. I don't know how far along she is or when she is due or any other details. No one has talked to me about this, Hutch's brother just nonchalantly mentioned it on the phone several weeks ago. This is the same sil that often thinks of my girls and bought the angel ornaments for them, so she is very thoughtful and sweet. But I just don't understand why she hasn't said anything to me. I feel like she could have at least said, look I know this may be hard for you, but here is what is going on. She is insightful and I think she would think this would bother me, but I just don't understand why everyone is ignoring it. She knows I know, she can't hide it, she is definitely showing. Her daughter told Emma at Christmas that her mommy had a baby in her tummy and we were all sitting right there, so I just don't get it. I know she probably is afraid of hurting me or doesn't know what to say, but ignoring it just pisses me off. I am happy for them and want everything to go well, but I am also angry, but have a hard time putting words as to why...

I started pro.gesterone shots 5 weeks ago to help prevent preterm labor. These hurt like hell. I also do a daily injection of Love.nox due to my clotting disorder and those are much easier to take. So all in all I feel like one great big pin cushion. who is in a major funk. I wonder if the pro.gesterone is contributing to this or if it is just normal pg hormones messing with me. Regardless, I have been very unhappy and have a hard time focusing on all the wonderful things I have in my life. I guess I just need to spend a little more time reflecting on all of those things and maybe I will feel better.

I had a very odd dream the other night. I was pg with this baby and went to the hospital to have her. I came home with an incision on my hiney (I don't know where that came from) and no baby. I didn't know why, if something happened to her or what, so I called the hospital and she was there, no big deal, just come in to pick her up. I went and got her and from what I remember everything seemed fine. I don't typically remember my dreams and it wasn't until about a month or so ago that my dreams included Sophia & Ellie, not a live version of them, just my reality, I was pg with them and they died. So I don't know, my dreams are usually very random to me, but this one screams out some of the fears I am having.

I am very hopeful and somewhat confident that this baby will be born alive and well. I definitely know the risks involved and all the things that can happen between now and delivery (or after), but I feel her moving everyday and it warms my heart. I have been feeling her movements for at least 4 weeks (at around 14-15 weeks.) I have never felt movement this early before and I like to think that maybe it is her way of telling me she is okay, she will be okay.

Anyway, thanks for listening to all of my ramblings. I would love to hear your thoughts to see if my feelings are normal or if I am just very bitchy!! ;)

Always loving you girls, mommy misses you and wishes I could just hold you one more time. xx


  1. Hope you received my email this morning. Know, I'm right there with you. I think our feelings are perfectly normal. Hang in there!

  2. I hear you with the connecting to the pregnancy. It took me a while for mine. I would say until I felt steady, regular movement. And I think for me it was just protection. And I don't think you at all being bitchy about your sil. Not saying anything is just hurtful. I would rather someone say, "I don't know what to say, but I love you and want you to know." than not say anything at all. I personally hate being underestimated in my ability to deal. I feel like screaming, "I dealt with the death of my daughter. I will deal with your news. Really." Anyway, just wanted to say that. You always sound so gracious and kind. You deserve that back. Sending you love and hoping for completely the next months to be completely uneventful. xo.

  3. I agree that you are not being bitchy. My sister waited quite awhile to tell me that she was expecting and I was hurt by that. I think what your feeling is pretty normal. *HUGS*

  4. This pregnancy after losing Vincent is the hardest thing I have ever done. So although it doesn't make you feel any better - I think this is perfectly normal as the other ladies have said.

    I am trying to enjoy this since I don't expect to be pregnant again - but I can't. I am just to scared, drained and broken. Things can change so quickly.I hope everything works wonderfully for all of us this year.

    Thinking of you.

  5. They are totally normal. I felt that with xavien and even though she didn't make it either i know i will feel that way the next time around. It is so hard to get too attached even when you believe that the next baby is gonna make it all the naiveness is gone, we know the things that can go wrong so it's hard to just be happy go lucky, i remember when i lost camron and everyone wanted to tell me happy mothers day, yes i consider myself a mother but i didn't want "outsiders" telling me that b/c they don't know how it affects me. so i said all that to say that yes you are normal.

  6. Tina, you are completely normal. I feel the same way... about EVERYTHING. People were avoiding all the new preggo announcements until I told everyone that we were expecting and it made me angry too. I too feel like they think this baby will make everything all better, and some have actually told me that to my face. I stop them in their tracks, because nothing could be farther from the truth. I just hope you know that the feelings you are battling are okay to have, and you are not alone.


  7. I don't think you are being bitchy--could be preggo hormones, could be all those damn shots you are getting. my sister told me she was pregnant right after she took the preggo test I guess since I had her on the phone anyway. She has a m/c shortly thereafter and then the next time she got preg, she didn't tell me. I couldn't understnad why because I had told her how grateful and appreicative I was that she told me so soon and that I hadn't heard it from someone else first. I treid to make her feel as comfortable as possible. I don't think she neglected to tell intentionally....but I don't know. It's so hard to read people and I know they don't know how to read or predict us either. But your feelings are, in my opinion, justified and normal. You are doing a great job of getting through this pregnancy right now. Soon it will turn and you will feel excitement. You have a precious gift growing in your belly and she can already feel your love. Isn't she going to be so lucky to feel the love being held in your arms, too.

  8. Tina- you poor love- a pregnancy at any time is an emotional/hormonal journey...let alone after losing Sophia and Ellie and your other babes- You are not being bitchy. It would hurt me also to not be told -like with your SIL- it already hurts hearing about friends pregnancies from other people, without being pregnant again yet myself.

    I would talk to you SIL- it's better to get it out in the open, right now it's just festering with you both knowing about it but not talking about it....I would be stewing about it too. Big time. Solution- talking to her would at least open the lines of communication again properly.

    Can totally understand keeping your news to yourself- I wonder if I'd react the same way...Mainly because I will be so hurt if people then forget my precious boys.

    Sending you lots of love....
    Hang in there- the joy will come friend xx

  9. Hi Tina, I'm only 11 weeks along into this pregnancy, and so much of what you have written here I could've written myself.
    I hate that people might think that this pregnancy means everything is ok now, and I really struggle with "congratulations".
    A lovely friend lent me a book about pregnancy after loss, and yesterday I devoured most of it, it describes our feelings well, and made me feel like less of a loon. Maybe it would help you too, I found it on Amazon
    much love to youx

  10. I think all of your feelings are perfectly normal. I, too, was disconnected from my pregnancy with Nikola. I think it was the depression of having just lost Connor. I prayed to have have a girl because I didn't think I could handle having a boy so soon. And it took me a month after he was born to totally connect with him. It wasn't that I didn't love him, it was just the way I was feeling. So, I think every feeling you are having is perfectly normal. My thoughts are with you. *hugs*

  11. YAY! I'm so happy for you! I wish you the best happy and healthy 9 months possible. When are you due?

    The only thing I can say about your SIL - I've come to realize that people just don't know what to say, so they don't say anything. It's nothing against you, she's probably STILL trying to figure out how to say "I'm pregnant" without you losing your cool (even though you wouldn't). People expect us to lose it.

    I know you feel nervous - but this is it for you. A beautiful LIVING child is coming your way. Hang tight.

  12. Tina,

    Much love to you as you continue on. It seems unfair that in a time which should be joyous that you are guarded, but oh how I understand.

    Just soooooo happy that you have a growing little bean in your tummy :)

    As for your SIL, I have issues with mine as well, no advice, but just know your emotions are normal and you'll navigate them as best you can. Those on the outside just don't get it and they never will, but that's why we are blessed with "our community" of those who understand it ALL.

    Much love to you and I'm cheering you on!

  13. You arent bitchy at all. And your feelings and fears are normal. I am so happy for you and hoping that every single day is a happy one for you.

    Thinking of you and your girls... All of them.

  14. Aw Tina. I can't really understand as I've only had a very short pregnancy since the twins which ended in a m/c, but I felt very disconnected from that entire experience.

    And when I read your words 'I wondered were the other baby was' my heart just broke. I'm sure I will feel the same way. I've only ever had a twin pregnancy and I'm sure that part of me will somehow be anticipating twins again. Something that I would both hate and love to happen.

    I'm glad that medical folk looking after you are taking every possible precaution. But it does sound ouchy, you poor thing.

    I can understand why you're angry with your SIL, perhaps you just need to have it out with her and clear the air?

    I'm full of hope for you that this babe will arrive alive and well. And I know that he or she will never, ever replace your precious girls. Sophia and Ellie will always have their own special places in your heart and in your family. Argh, another long comment. Sorry. Love to you Tina. x

  15. How exciting...congrats Tina. It is normal to feel the way you do. As your pregnancy gets further along you will bond more with your little one. :)

  16. Hi Tina,
    My due date is just a few days after yours. I felt my baby's movement at about 15 weeks, too - what a gift.
    I think things are always complicated after loss - for each of us, and for those around us - sils included. I don't think you need to justify your feelings - they are what they are, and you're entitled to them.
    I haven't told some people that I'm pregnant yet, even though my stomach is definitely getting there. I have felt reluctant to and felt bad about that, but I've just had to tell myself that it's okay to be like that.
    I'm wishing you peace with this pregnancy.

  17. Tina, *hugs* you are not crazy...I have been following a lot of blogs from moms who are pregnant with their rainbow babies and they are all expressing the same feelings.

  18. Thinking of you and the girls.

  19. Tina, so normal!! I understand your feelings and am going to slide in some positive thinking that you ARE going to bring home a HEALTHY baby! You were calling it a she, did I miss something or is that your feeling? Regardless it will be a very beautiful baby! As time goes on I think that you will be feeling a little better about this pregnancy, at least is has me. Its kinda hard when your belly is big to not acknowledge the gymnastics class going on inside. Thinking of you


  20. I still can't believe you're pregnant :) I totally get wanting to hold your cards close for now. I did/ am doing the same thing. (But I still don't understand how you kept it off your blog for so long!)

    I think the feelings you described are beyond normal, and the fact that you can say you are hopeful is a huge positive in and of itself. Fwiw, I'm hopeful for you :)

  21. I would say that your feelings are normal. That is odd that your SIL hasn't told you she's preg when she knows that you know. Maybe she figures since you know she doesn't have to say anything? would be nice if she told you herself.

  22. I completely understand the not wanting to tell everyone. A girl hear at work is pg and someone else told me. I looked at her like she had 3 heads because one, maybe the pg girl didn't want everyone to know just yet. Also, the pg girl has not said anything to me either and we work together. She is eventually going to show. But maybe she too has the fear.

  23. Hi Tina,
    I was going to say, perhaps your SIL was waiting bc she's aware of the things that can happen, after knowing what you've been through, but if she's showing that kind of changes things, too. I don't understand why ppl do or dont do ro say or dont say things or why the subject is so taboo...all of our real, beautiful, missed babies deserve better.
    I can see how you'd be afraid to get attached, I'm afraid to even think about trying yet, and it's not that easy for me (and Im not getting any younger ;) ) I know the pin-cushion feeling well, my friend. It really is not fun. Ice first, heat after-if you're not already-that helps a little. From my experience, the hormones exacerbate the already existing hormones, so they may be affecting you. But you are NOT Bitchy, your feelings are your feelings, and you are entitled to them. Only you have been through what you have been through, and are going through now. Give yourself permission to do, say, act, be, however helps you get through the day and on to the next, until you have your little one safe in your arms. NOthing and no-one else is as important as you and your family right now. Take care of yourself, you're in my thoughts.

  24. Hi there, I just realized I didn't add you to my reader on my new blog. shame on me.

    I'm glad that so far this pregnancy is going well for you and I hope it continues. You will ever forget Sophia and Ellie... they are and always will be your little girls. :) ((hugs))

    I can't tell you the number of people who never told me they were pregnant since I lost my daughter. I usually find out some other way (like, oops, there's suddenly a baby in their photos) or some other way. Sometimes I suspect before they tell me, I have pretty good intuition when it comes to these things!

    anyway. I'm sorry your SIL isn't talking to you about it.... maybe you need to tell her it's okay to talk about it, even if it makes you sad for S&E.


  25. I somehow missed this post-so when I read the sil one, I was like wha? I'm so glad for your update. And I'm so right there with you about ALL of this. We are here to help you honor Sophia and Ellie. We'll remember them always. And we're with you on the way to bringing their little sister home :)
    Thanks for the thoughts on eating in the lounge-it totally does help. I go so back and forth.

  26. I think all your thoughts and feelings are 100% normal and I think I might just have to c&p this blog post one day in a future pregnancy of my own. I am terrified of being disconnected but I know when the time comes, that's whats going to happen.

  27. Normal, normal and more normal- unless I was crazy too- (but then aren't we all???) I was the same way- afraid to be connected- afraid not to be- only used the word 'if' and never did much planning- what you said about the gender makes perfect sense though! Perfect.
    Thinking of you and praying for peace- I remember how hard it is to be pregnant afer such heartache!