Random Thoughts

Thursday was 2 months since losing the girls. A few days after the delivery Emma drew a couple pictures for them. One was a picture of her, Sophia, and Ellie with I heart u written on it and the other was of Sophia, Ellie, and Jesus with 1 heart u. Hutch told her we could send them up to Heaven on balloons for them. Well, we hadn't actually done this yet. There were a few times we had planned on it, but it just didn't work out for what ever reason. So we decided to do it on this special day, June 25th, 2 months since having them.

After dinner, Hutch went the store and got a dozen balloons, 6 pink and 6 purple. We attached Emma's 2 pictures and a letter I too had written to Sophia & Ellie. Brady & Emma each wrote a messages on a balloon. Then we went out in our backyard and blew our angels some kisses and released the balloons. It was enjoyable to watch the balloons scatter and then find each other up in the sky. We all stayed out back and watched as the balloons flew away until we could no longer see them .

It is so hard to believe that it has been 2 month since having them. Right now I should be 30+ weeks pregnant and getting ready to deliver some time soon. It is so maddening to not know what went wrong. Was it my body or was TTTS to blame? I have asked my OB and she says TTTS was never diagnosed (which I knew), but from what I have read it can develop rather quickly. On one hand I would like to have this syndrome to blame because if not, then all I have to blame is my body. And it is so hard to accept the fact that my body failed my babies. These babies that I so loved and wanted, but my body could not handle. What does that say about me as a mother? I know this is not my fault and I am not seeking someone to blame, I just wish I had answers, or maybe I don't...

Hutch & I went to the cemetery on Tuesday. As we were driving up, something looked different to me. I started walking to where Sophia & Ellie are buried and there it was, their headstone. It had been a real crappy day, so seeing this for the first time lifted my heart a little bit. I now have something to see instead of a patch of grass when I go to visit. We could tell the headstone had just been set that day and it made me thankful that I was there to see it the day it had been laid.

On our way out there Hutch was saying he can't believe that it has only been two months and that it feels like forever ago since that awful day. I told him that sometimes to me it feels like yesterday. Sometimes, especially lately, the pain is so fresh and raw and it just hurts so much that it feels like it just happened.

Thanks for "listening" to my rambling, I just has lots of little things to share.

Under The Tree

Go visit Carly and gather Under the Tree with us!!!

Hair Color: Brunette - well that's the color it is supposed to be, right now it has a little gray in it, actually a lot!
Eye color: Brown
Profession: Teacher/Mother to 4 wonderful children
Relationship status: Married

My Favorites:
Favorite color: I don't really have one, but if I had to choose I would say magenta
Favorite movie: The Hangover
Favorite animal: not too much of an animal person
Favorite store: William~Sonoma
Favorite childhood memory: Going to the beach with my family
Favorite hobby: Making Jewelry
Favorite song/singer: Bob Marley
Favorite book/author: I haven't really read an adult book since I had Emma, so maybe the children's authors Tomie dePaola or Judy Schachner
Favorite school subject: Math
Favorite vacation destination: Would love to go to Italy and see where my grandma grew up!
Favorite food: cheese enchiladas
Favorite restaurant: don't have one

This or That
Coke or pepsi : Diet pepsi
Beer or wine: Both!
Coffee or tea: Both again!
Apple Juice or O.J.: OJ
Summer or Winter: Summer
Cats or dogs: Neither
Salty or sweet: Sweet!
Plane or boat: Plane or boat, I don't care as long as I am getting out of here!!
Morning or night: either sometimes neither
Money or love: Love
Breakfast or dinner: Dinner
Forgiveness or revenge: Forgiveness
House or apartment: House
Like to cook: Yes, even though I have hardly done it in the last 2 months!

Have You Ever:
Got a speeding ticket: Ummm, I don't think so
Wished you were someone else: Yes I have, but in reality, no, there is not much I would change.
Cried during a movie: Yes and most commercials

Describe yourself in one word: Caring
Biggest fear: upsetting others(this was my original answer, but after reading Rikki's post I am changing it...) I am living through it since losing my babies.
Biggest mistake: hmmmm...I don't know...
Your proudest accomplishment: All 4 of my children
Dream job: Working for myself, selling my jewelry all over the world
Special talents: I am pretty crafty
Where would you rather be at the moment: away from it all
Famous person you want to meet: can't think of any I would want to meet...
Song to be played at your funeral: something that would bring peace to my loved ones

Part 2...TWINS!!!

Then in December 2008 I took a home pregnancy test and it came back positive!!!

After the initial shock wore off, we were so excited. We were not actively TTC, but knew it was a possibility. I really felt that this baby was meant to be. I couldn't wait to add another member to our family.

The pregnancy was progressing well. We only told a few people we were expecting because of my past history. I didn't want to have to explain a miscarriage to Emma. She had been wanting a baby brother or sister for quite some time and I just knew she would be so excited about it!!! So we waited to tell the kids and most people until we heard the heartbeat.

At 12 weeks we went in for our appointment and heard the heartbeat, just one. We felt everything was going well with the pregnancy, so it was finally safe to tell the kids. A few days later we announced it to them. Of course, Emma was thrilled and Brady was excited too in his own quiet way. After the announcement to them everyone else soon knew, Emma couldn't keep it a secret and it was time to spill the beans.

At 15 weeks I had a little bit of spotting. We went in to see a nurse practitioner. She came in the room, pulled back the gown and said, "Whoa, how far along are you?" I said, "Fifteen weeks." "Either you are off on your dates, or there's TWO in there!" Well I knew I wasn't off on my dates, but I thought NO WAY!!! What are the chances of there being TWO babies in there? NO WAY!!! So she checked me and said everything seemed fine, but she sent me down to ultrasound to check how many babies we had.

Now, I have to say that all along I had felt bigger, faster with this pregnancy. We joked about twins, but NEVER thought it was a possibility. I just figured it was my third baby, sixth pregnancy, I was 34, and that is why I was getting bigger.

We sat in the lobby waiting to see the u/s tech. Hutch was freaked...TWO babies??? I told him to relax, there was no way there were two. The tech called us back. She squirted the gel on my belly, put the wand on and within a few seconds she said, "There's two!" OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hutch was in disbelief. He just sat there, very quietly. I too was in disbelief, but all I could do was giggle. The tech had to ask me to keep still so she could finish the u/s. WOW...TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How exciting!!! I felt so lucky, like I had won the lottery. We hadn't planned on having 2 more kids, but oh my gosh what a MIRACLE!!! I truly felt like this was meant to be.


(Today is two months since losing the girls. This is all I can write for now. It hurts too much to relive it all at once...)

Father's Day

I wasn't sure how Father's Day was going to be for me. I seemed to be more worried about it than Mother's Day...I don't know why. Maybe I was still too numb to really be concerned with Mother's Day. Anyway, a few days before Father's Day I went to the Hallmark shop to buy cards. I was doing okay until I went to look for one for Hutch from me. I started to get emotional. Then I noticed a pregnant woman next to me...that made it even worse. I moved down so I wouldn't have to see her picking up the father-to-be cards. Then another pregnant woman came in to look at the FD cards too. So I am surrounded by pregnant women, have tears rolling down my cheeks, I'm sniffing, trying to be inconspicuous...but I don't think it worked so well. I really wanted to say, "Sorry, I know I seem emotional, but my husband & I just lost our twin girls. Looking at these cards is very difficult." But I knew they didn't need or care to know, so I found the cards I needed and got out of there.

Then there was Father's Day itself. As I previously mentioned, I wanted to surprise Hutch with the photos Carly had taken of Sophia & Ellie's names in the sand. I had them printed and framed. The night before, I wrote a letter to him explaining how I got these beautiful pictures and some things I have been feeling lately. He read the letter and looked at the pictures and just hugged me. It was one of those hugs that lasted longer than normal, the kind when someone just needs to be held for a little while. He got teary eyed (Hutch is not the type of guy to cry a whole lot) and said he loved them. Thank you Carly, they were so perfect!!!

The afternoon was spent with my family and then we had a quiet evening at home. So all in all it was a good day, and emotional day, spent missing our girls, but it was still good.

We love you Sophia & Ellie!!!

8 weeks

Today is 8 weeks since losing Sophia and Ellie. It's not fair and it really sucks. That's all I can say...

I will be okay

Today has been a particularly bad day for me. Today Emma had dress rehearsal for her dance recital which is Friday. When I first found out I was pregnant, I knew her recital would take place sometime in June and I also knew I would still be pregnant. I had even bought a dress that I planned to wear to the recital. Well, now things are so different than I planned, so different than they should be and it is so hard. As I sat there today I couldn't help but wonder if Sophia & Ellie would have danced together on that stage. If they would have curly hair like Emma's. Who would have stayed with them while I took Emma to rehearsal. All of these questions ran through my mind as I tried not to let the other moms see my tears.

I know this is probably the first of many things that will be different than I imagined. The next few months are going to be filled with difficult times. But I will survive. I will get through them. There will be lots of tears, but that is okay. I will be okay. I will never be the person I was before Sophia & Ellie, nor do I want to be. But I will be okay.

Sophia & Ellie ~ names in the sand

Sophia and Ellie's names were written in the sand and pictures were posted on the website today. I am so thankful to Carly for taking on this amazing project. It is such a wonderful way for us to remember our children who are no longer with us.

I am planning on surprising Hutch with these beautiful photos on Father's Day. He and I deal with our grief very differently. I think he is a typical man who tends to hide his emotions and keep what he is feeling to himself. I, on the other hand, would love to talk about my precious girls all day every day to anyone who would listen. (Of course I don't do that, but in a perfect world I would!) So, I think he will really appreciate what these pieces of art represent to us. They represent our girls who are a part of our family that is missing from our everyday lives, but are very much present in our hearts and souls.

Thank you Carly!!!