i wonder

I've been thinking about this a lot lately...

Brady and Emma have very similar features. They both have brown hair, dark skin, beautiful hazel eyes, and they have always been at the top of the growth charts.

I always assumed the twins would have these same features. Then along came my sweet Gigi. She is the pip-squeak of the family. She is no where near the top of the growth charts, she has BLONDE hair, BLUE eyes, and as Hutch says, she is "pig-mentally challenged" meaning she is super pale!

So now I sit and wonder what color their eyes are, is their hair brown or blonde, are they olive complected or pale...I guess I'll never know during this lifetime...I wish I didn't have to wonder.

today

Today I will be attending a funeral for a baby who lived 5 days. A friend in real life who is living a pain I know all too well. I am so sorry for her, for her husband, and their living daughters. They are the sweetest people and don't deserve this; none of us do.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling. I think I'm okay, but it's bringing me right back to those early days two+ years ago when I was faced with the reality that my babies would not be coming home. The reality that I would have to plan their funeral, pick out their casket, tell my older children that their sisters died. I don't let myself go there very often, it is too dark, too raw, too painful. I choose to remember them in a beautiful way because they were beautiful, they are beautiful.

So today as I remember sweet Leanna with her family, Sophia & Ellie will be right there in my thoughts too, but really, they always are anyways.

finally...a winner

Okay, so I'm late...that's the story of my life! I said I would try to choose a winner last week, but it just didn't happen. But you know what they say, better late than never!! So onto the winner...

I used random.org to choose a commenter and the winner was Deni! And isn't she sweet, she wants to give it to someone else! Let me know your plans Deni!

I hope you all had a peaceful Mother's Day. Mine was...I don't know, I guess kind of weird. I did the usual things to celebrate and that was nice, but I just feel like I'm in a strange place with my loss.

My first Mother's Day after losing Sophia and Ellie was just 2 or 3 weeks later. I was still numb, still so tired. Last year I was pregnant with Gigi and we had just "celebrated" the girls' first birthday. This year was just...I don't know, just strange. I guess I'm still learning to live with it all, but I wish it would stop changing. Just when i think I have things semi-figured out, something changes. I'm not sure what, but something. I guess grief is forever evolving. Hmmm...that wasn't in the handbook.

mother’s day giveaway

I hope you all have a wonderfully peaceful day.  I know for some of you this will be the first year without your sweet baby, for others it will be yet another without a baby in your arms, and for some it will be the first year with your rainbows.  Where ever you are in this journey, I hope your day is filled with love, beauty, and sweet reminders of all your children.

I have had one of these little blanks for sometime now. 

I have been waiting for an opportunity to use it, but just haven't found it yet.  I don’t like to make things unless they are for someone, I feel it is just wasteful to stamp some random name on something (especially with the price of silver right now!) and really, I have so many pieces for myself that I just don’t need another one to throw in the rotation!  So that brings me here…to you.  I am giving away one of these angel wing pendants personalized with your baby’s(ies) name.  I will also add birthstones or crystals if you wish.  To enter, leave a comment here telling me what you would like on the wing if you were to win.  I will be randomly choosing a winner early next week (hopefully!)  And if you would like to take a look to see what else is in my shop here is the link: www.mamamiatina.etsy.com. 

Wishing you all peace and comfort today and always.  I will be loving on all of my children this weekend: Brady, Emma, Sophia, Ellie, and Gigi.  xoxox

two years

Two years ago today, my world was turned upside down. My heart was ripped from my chest as I sat in the hospital bed in disbelief. I remember shaking my head from side to side all day long as I tried to make sense of what had happened. All while tears streamed down my face and the two most beautiful babies were lying there in their isolette.

At that point in time I was too broken to realize the beauty these two amazing girls would bring to my life. Because of them, I am better. I am a better person, still far from perfect, but better indeed. I am forever grateful for being able to hold them in my arms and kissing their sweet, perfect faces.

I miss them today and everyday and I love them with all my heart.


Dear Sophia & Ellie,

Happy second birthday sweet girls! Thank you for bringing such beauty into my life. You two are a precious gift that I will forever be thankful for. I wish we had more time together. I wish you were both here to celebrate your birthdays and everyday. I wish I could see you growing. Always know that I love you both with all my heart and you are always in my thoughts. You have made be a better person; a better mother, and for that I will always be grateful.

I love you!!
xoxo,
Mommy

where have i been?

Its been so long…I don’t even know how 2 months have passed and I haven’t written here once.  I have thought of it, I have had it on my to do list, I have had good intentions…but it just hasn’t happened.  I have so much going on right now that as I type this I am thinking of the million other things I should be doing.  I just want it all to go away so I can stop and just be.  Friday was 22 months…how is that even possible, almost two years without Sophia & Ellie.  I wasn’t able to go to the cemetery because of all this other stuff on my plate.  I hate it when I cant’ make it out there, but I will go soon.  I feel like I don’t even have time to grieve, to be sad, to just think about my girls.  I keep telling myself that everything will settle down, but I’m just not convinced yet. 

Here is what’s going on…We have sold our house (finally!) and escrow closes on March 10th.  The new house we have purchased doesn’t close until March 31st…so we have a few weeks where we will be living with my parents…fun times!  So I have this whole house to pack up, I just started yesterday (thank you mother!)  I have been keeping very busy with my etsy shop and I am so happy about that, but I worry that because of my lack of time I am not getting orders out as quickly as normal and I don’t want to upset my customers.  Work is a huge source of my problem…I know I’m not doing as good of a job as I could be if I were working part time.  I told the powers that be this would happen when they decided to not let me job share.  I keep telling myself that I’m doing the best I can, I truly I am…I just know its not my best.  I can’t imagine having to work full time again next year, I really need to find something part time…I REALLY NEED TO!  I am so far behind on just daily things, cooking (haven’t done that in a very long time), cleaning, balancing my checkbook…all those fun things.  I hate to take the time out of my days at home to do these things because I try to spend every second I can with Gigi (and Brady & Emma too!)  All of this (and other things) are keeping my head spinning.  I think about my girls everyday, but I don’t feel like I really have time to think about them.

We have signed up to do the March for Babies in memory of Sophia and Ellie.  If you are a fb friend you may have seen my contest.  I am doing another one here, only for blm’s.  Here is the deal…If you would like to make a donation to our team, for every $5 you contribute, you will be entered to win a $40 gift certificate to my etsy shop.  If you would like to donate and enter to win, you can click the “Donate Now” button on the March for Babies badge up on the left.  Now I know some of you donated already (THANK YOU VERY MUCH) and if you are wondering why it says $0 raised so far, it is because I had linked the first contest to the team page instead of my personal page.  It all goes to the same place in the end, but the funds are kept separate.  I will keep the contest open until March 15th when I randomly choose a winner.

So there you have it…my life in a nutshell!  I have been trying to keep up with everyone's  blogs , but I just haven't had time to even get on the computer lately.  June isn’t too far away…I can’t wait to have my life back!!!!

finally…a winner!

Sorry for the delay in choosing a winner, but after having to post EVERYDAY for almost a whole month, I think I deserved needed a little break! After all, these fingers of mine just aren't used to this much typing, actually this brain of mine isn't used to this much thinking!!

So onto the winners…yes that's right I picked two! Using random.org the first winner is commenter #12, Sad Kitty at The Nature of Balloons and winner number two is commenter #4, Angie at Still Life with Circles!!! Congratulations to you both. I can’t wait to work with each of you on these very special pieces.

I wish I could make all of you something for your precious babies, but that just isn’t feasible! However, if you would like to place an order through my shop, you can use code “25dog” for 15% off your order until January 5th. If you don’t see what you’re looking for send me a message and we can work it all out.

Thanks again for participating in the giveaways. I hope we can do it again next year! Wishing you all a peaceful New Year filled with your hearts’ desires and comfort for the absence that will always be felt in your souls.

Oh...and I'm serious about needing some advice on how to fix my little problem of not being able to follow new blogs. HELP!!!!