the 25th and some advertising

Last Sunday was the 25th…another month gone by, another month without Sophia and Ellie.  One may think it would get easier with each passing month, but it really doesn’t.  It still hurts and my heart is always so heavy, just knowing that life keeps moving on without my girls.  However, I do have so much to be thankful for and I think those things help to bring me out of the sadness.

Last month I didn’t make it to the cemetery on the 25th.  I had so much guilt for not being able to go.  I know it is okay, we went a couple days later, but this is one of the few things I can do for my girls and to miss it, to not go out there and put some fresh flowers in their vase, just made me feel so sad. 

There is a new blog in town…Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope.  If you haven’t been there, I highly recommend you check it out.  Kristin is the mastermind behind this brilliant idea.  It is a way for people in our community to come together, share our stories, and support one another.  Its also a way to bring awareness to the issue of pregnancy and infant loss.  Right now there is a GIVEAWAY taking place on the faces blog.  You can grab the button and make a few suggestions to enter…and you just might win a gift certificate to my etsy shop!!

Speaking of etsy shops; I sent out Gigi’s birth announcements a couple weeks ago.  Ashlee at Grady Bug Designs designed the announcement for me.  We used Gigi’s 2 week pictures, I gave her a few of my thoughts, and this is what she came up with:

 

 

They are BEAUTIFUL!!  I couldn't be happier with how they turned out.  Ashlee sent me the file and my photographer sent them to the lab to be printed. Another great thing about them is the envelope!  Now I must confess, I do get pretty excited about a great envelope (yes I know that is kind of weird!)  To me its like wrapping paper for a card!  These came with a see through velum envelope, so when people received them, they could see Gigi’s sweet face right away. 

I really wanted a way to include Sophia and Ellie on the announcement.  If you click of the back (the color side) of the card you may be able to see it.  After all of Gigi’s information it says:

“Welcomed with love by Hutch, Tina, Brady, and Emma

Watched form above by Sophia and Ellie”

If you are a photographer, I highly recommend checking out Ashlee’s shop.  She was wonderful to work with and has many unique designs and templates.  If you aren’t a photographer, I bet she would be willing to do a custom design for you with your pictures for something special. 

Okay, enough advertising from me today.  Wishing you all a peaceful weekend!

nicu

I don't know if you have seen it yet, but there is a new program on Discovery Health called NICU.  If you had a baby in the NICU, or if you had a very premature baby, you may want to avoid this program at all costs.  I started to watch it, then thought better of it because it was such a harsh reminder of how tiny my perfect babies were.

fear

Since we brought Gigi home I’ve been scared. Scared that something is going to happen to her. I’m not usually a paranoid person, but now I can feel it creeping in at times. I have thoughts several times throughout the day of something happening to her. Just random things, accidents, like her head being bumped on the pointy corner of the cabinet in our foyer. Or me tripping and dropping her. These aren’t visions or thoughts of me wanting to hurt her, I want to make that very clear. These are just random thoughts as I am going throughout my day of something bad happening. I am not lacking confidence of mothering an infant (a teenager on the other hand is something I would need to write a whole other post on!) I’m just afraid of her getting hurt, or even worse, of losing another baby. I am going to assume this may be normal for people like us whose lives have taken such unexpected turns with our children in the past. At least that is what I am telling myself…

And here she is at 2 weeks:

Photo album created with Smilebox

neighbors

I was driving home yesterday and as I turned onto our street I noticed  a lot of cars at our neighbors’ house.  As I got closer, I saw some balloons tied to the pillars out front.  Then I saw it, the “Happy 1st Birthday” sign on the front door.  Our next door neighbors’ were having a first birthday party for their twins.  And it hit me…that should be us right now.  WE should be having that party.  I lost it for a moment because it all still hurts so badly to know they are not here with us, they will never have a real birthday party, I wont get to see them take their first steps, go to their first day of school, all those milestones you enjoy as parents. 

I still miss my girls so much.  I will admit that I am so busy these days that I don’t have a lot of time to let my mind go to the “what ifs” and “should have beens” and I guess that is a good thing.  But sometimes the empty feeling still creeps in just from knowing they are gone.

I have so much to write, but no time to do it.  I will try to get my thoughts down soon because I need to get them out of my head.  I am checking your blogs when I can.  I don’t always leave a comment, especially when I am reading from my phone, but I am still here and still thinking of all of you and your sweet babies.