April 25, 2010

So Sunday morning I woke up and could feel the grief inside of me.  It was hard to believe that exactly 365 days ago, I woke up not feeling well and a few hours later was in the hospital giving birth to my little girls.  It was very hard for me not to replay moments from that day over and over in my head.  I was also difficult not to imagine how different our lives would be if we could have just skipped that day last year…if our girls were born safely and were here with us.  I could almost see them in our home; in our lives.  Oh how I wish that were true.

Sunday morning I had a mass said for Sophia & Ellie.  We went and although it wasn’t difficult to get through there were a couple times my mind wandered off to that day exactly one year ago I got teary eyed.  However, I was able to control my emotions and got through the mass without a complete breakdown.

All morning it was hard not to look at the clock and think about what was happening last year at that moment..especially at 10:35 when sweet Sophia was born and again at 10:49 when precious Ellie was born.  I really lost it at those moments, just to think of what was happening and reliving all that pain was hard. 

At 12:00 we headed to the cemetery to get things ready.  The girls’ marker needed to be cleaned and I needed to unload everything.  Everyone arrived and at 1:00, I said a few teary words and we released the butterflies.  The little stinkers must have been sleeping in their box, they really didn’t want to come out.  A couple fluttered off right away, but most of them stayed in the box or close by, they loved the flowers and hung out there for a little while too.

Next we gave all of the kids 2 balloons, one pink and one purple.  We sang happy birthday to Sophia & Ellie and sent them up into the sky to find their way to the sweet birthday girls.  The kids really had a wonderful time…they loved the butterflies and thought the balloon release was pretty cool too.  

We gave out the cupcakes with the cards attached and thanked everyone for coming and sharing this special day with us.  I let them know that next year our plan is to do the March for Babies in honor of Sophia & Ellie, so plan on being on our team and raising lots of money.  Our local event is always towards the end of April, so I think it will be a wonderful way to honor my girls year after year.

Everything really went smoothly, especially when you consider I didn’t have a plan in my mind.  I was so touched that our family and friends chose to share this time with us…it really meant a lot to me.  Even on Sunday, I was unsure if this was how I wanted to spend the day, but afterwards, I was very relieved and happy with my choices.  I think being around so many people helped to ease my mind and the things I did really helped to occupy my thoughts. 

I received some very special gifts for the girls on Sunday as well, very unexpected, but very special.  My brother and sil gave us a beautiful figure of two babies together wrapped in angel wings…pictures will be coming later.  My bil & sil had a star named after the girls.  My friends gave us two heart shaped ivies.  Another friend gave me a Birthday Cake scented candle and a beautiful outdoors plant that we planted this past weekend.  My mom made a special floral arrangement…the container has two babies on it, one on each side.  She used Gerber daisies and roses and it was absolutely adorable!  The girls were also given some sweet flowers and roses that we left at their grave.

I also received so many e-mails, messages, comments, cards, and sweet gifts from all of you as well.  Having little messages pop up throughout the week and on Sunday really helped to get me through the difficult moments.  Just to know you were out there thinking of us brought me comfort.  Thank you!!

There was one more gift that I received that day…It is not something tangible, but to me it was the best possible thing ever.  It was a message from my girls.  I am not going to go into details of how I received this message because it is really just too complicated, but I trust in this person and believe in what she is telling me, she has no reason to be anything but honest with me.  She has been a great source of comfort to me and I appreciate her more than I think she will ever know.  Here is the message I received from her: 

Your baby girls are fine. I know it's hard for you, but they are peaceful, happy and fine. Also, they like the attention.

Reading this really made me emotional.  To hear that they are fine and happy gives me peace.  And knowing that they like the attention…well that just made me chuckle because I can see them laughing and giggling and being excited by all the things that were done for them on their first birthday.  I love you Sophia & Ellie and I hope you enjoyed your birthday celebration!  xoxo

Now that the first year has passed me by, I feel more at ease with things.  I still miss my girls like crazy, but I now feel like I can concentrate on this new baby a little more.  As some of you know, i have NOTHING ready.  We don’t have a name, we don’t have a place for her to sleep, I don’t have the car seat ready…NOTHING!!  Hutch & I did go out and buy a few things this weekend, but I still feel so unprepared.  That is what I will be focusing on in the next couple weeks.  I have some questions and need some advice, so I will be posting about that soon and any input you have is greatly appreciated…it hasn’t been that long since we had Emma, but everything just feels so different this time.  Oh well, I guess I will figure it all out, but stay tuned to give me your two cents on a few things!!