I haven't written lately. I have not been in a very good place. Physically I am well and baby girl is great. Just emotionally I have been a mess.
Every time I write, I talk about how unfair this all is. Unfair for me, unfair for you...just unfair. I can not seem to leave that word out of my vocabulary. I know life isn't fair and that is just the way it is, but losing Sophia & Ellie takes it to a whole new level for me. Especially when I see or hear of people who have no business being parents because of their lack of ability or efforts. It really makes me angry.
For so long I haven't felt angry. I hadn't experienced that aspect of grief until now. I am angry. Angry that my babies aren't here. Angry that other (and in my eyes undeserving) people have their babies. Angry at the stupid things people say, even when they are not directed or even said to me. I am just angry. I'm angry at God for letting this happen. I don't think he caused it to happen, but why did it happen to me, to all of us, instead of someone else who ends up just putting their children in harms way later anyway? (Not that I would EVER wish this on ANYONE else...) I just don't get it.
When people say that their prayers were answered or that they believe in the power of prayer, it pisses me off. I was praying, many people were praying, for me and my babies, and where did that get us? I just don't understand. How is it decided whose prayers are answered? With the flip of a coin? It is just all so random. It pisses me off when someone says to me that everything happens for a reason. Well, no it doesn't...I want to say to that person, "Then tell me the reason my girls died." I think that bad things happen to good people for no reason at all...it is just random.
I know many of you out there are very spiritual and have a close relationship with God. I am just not there. I am angry that my girls are dead, but other people keep believing that their prayers will be answered while mine were ignored. I wonder how they will feel if theirs go unanswered too.
But you know what is so ironic?? I still pray. I pray for peace and comfort for all of us in pain. I pray for my new little one (and all of your new little ones too), that she gets here safely, I pray for those of you who are ttc, when you ask for prayers, I pray. Does that make me a hypocrite or what?? I just wish I understood; I wish I had the answers. But I guess that is where faith comes in and I am just not there yet.
It's in his heart
15 hours ago