I haven't written lately. I have not been in a very good place. Physically I am well and baby girl is great. Just emotionally I have been a mess.
Every time I write, I talk about how unfair this all is. Unfair for me, unfair for you...just unfair. I can not seem to leave that word out of my vocabulary. I know life isn't fair and that is just the way it is, but losing Sophia & Ellie takes it to a whole new level for me. Especially when I see or hear of people who have no business being parents because of their lack of ability or efforts. It really makes me angry.
For so long I haven't felt angry. I hadn't experienced that aspect of grief until now. I am angry. Angry that my babies aren't here. Angry that other (and in my eyes undeserving) people have their babies. Angry at the stupid things people say, even when they are not directed or even said to me. I am just angry. I'm angry at God for letting this happen. I don't think he caused it to happen, but why did it happen to me, to all of us, instead of someone else who ends up just putting their children in harms way later anyway? (Not that I would EVER wish this on ANYONE else...) I just don't get it.
When people say that their prayers were answered or that they believe in the power of prayer, it pisses me off. I was praying, many people were praying, for me and my babies, and where did that get us? I just don't understand. How is it decided whose prayers are answered? With the flip of a coin? It is just all so random. It pisses me off when someone says to me that everything happens for a reason. Well, no it doesn't...I want to say to that person, "Then tell me the reason my girls died." I think that bad things happen to good people for no reason at all...it is just random.
I know many of you out there are very spiritual and have a close relationship with God. I am just not there. I am angry that my girls are dead, but other people keep believing that their prayers will be answered while mine were ignored. I wonder how they will feel if theirs go unanswered too.
But you know what is so ironic?? I still pray. I pray for peace and comfort for all of us in pain. I pray for my new little one (and all of your new little ones too), that she gets here safely, I pray for those of you who are ttc, when you ask for prayers, I pray. Does that make me a hypocrite or what?? I just wish I understood; I wish I had the answers. But I guess that is where faith comes in and I am just not there yet.
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1 week ago
I wish I had the answer. I'm not religious, but I lost any faith I had in God after losing my dad and Ella so abruptly. Yet, I still pray. I was in the anger phase for 9 months. Punching and screaming into a pillow helped me. Thinking of you and your girls.
ReplyDeleteI understand every word! I am in that phase of grieving too. If fact today is one of those really bad days where I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. I have been sitting here in front of my students teary eyed all day. This just plain sucks!!! I am so sorry that you have to be going through this. I hope that you can find some peace somehow somewhere!
ReplyDeleteI too wish I had the answer and I wish I understood. I go in and out of anger. It seems like a vicious cycle that just will not end. I know of many people who should not have a baby, yet they do. I try not to be envious or angry at them, but it makes me wonder why they get to have a baby and I lost mine. I totally get what you are saying.
ReplyDeleteIt is good to hear from you. I have missed seeing you here. xx
something that helped me (i was raised catholic, but have been out of practice since losing quinn):
ReplyDeletego to a garage sale, and find some cheap dishes.
now throw them. at your wall, at the side of the garage, at the floor.
i promise you will feel better.
i have missed you, i hope you come around more often. we like seeing you, no matter what stage you are in.
I find myself asking those same questions. I'm not as close to God as I should be but the one thing that has brought me the most comfort is knowing I will see my babies in Heaven and then all will be right. I think of how full my arms will be when I get there and it helps me get through another day. In fact, my uncle is dying of cancer and I'm semi-jealous that he will get to hold her again before me. It's crazy talk to some I'm sure but it helps me. I also like to think of all our angel babies hanging out together in Heaven. I think they all welcome each new friend and celebrate birthdays together. Maybe I'm just crazy, lol. I hope you find a little peace.
ReplyDeleteI have some of the very same feelings. I have no words that will make you feel better. Sending you love and a huge hug. I hope you can feel it.
ReplyDeleteI am so confused as well. When my Dad passed I was so angry at God for letting him die while we on such horrible terms. I had a very distant relationship with God after that. Ironically losing Janessa has brought me closer to God. Don't know how or why..really don't. Maybe its because deep down inside I know he is there. I have no idea why he would let such horrible things happen down here...can't seem to make any sense of the devastation so many people face in their lives. Given the chance to speak with him I would have some very angry questions for him. I pray now more than I have since a little girl. I just attended church for the 1st since Losing Janessa this past sunday. I thought I was going to break down in sobs. I am still left dazed & confused & still have tons of emotions to sort out. I hope someday we can all find some peace again. I just thik how in the world can we find peace that our children are dead? I'm at a loss...
ReplyDeleteI know, Tina. I hear you. I'm angry, too, pissed at God, and the universe, too. I hear of children being mistreated and I want to puke, even more than I would have before. I caught myself praying the other day, and I also said to myself, what am I doing? I'm so angry, cursing and all, but still asking for things, and not feeling right about it. LIke MB and Frank, I was raised catholic, and am feeling like I want to end that affiliation...I feel duped by Catholocism. My friend Rachel, whom you know, refers to God as a "relationship" rather than "religion". An new perspective for me, but I'm also not ready for a relationship with Him at this time. I hate the stupid comments too. People just really don't know what to say.
ReplyDeleteWishing you and your little one continued health. Take care of yourself.(())
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I'm not religious at all, but I hear you loud and clear. 18 months on, and I'm still so angry. Not sure when that will ever go away.
ReplyDeletexo
Delurking here, I wandered over from another blog...
ReplyDeleteI definitely hear you with the anger thing. I am a Christian and try to have a close relationship with God, but that hasn't prevented me from being SO ANGRY at the loss of my twin boys. I don't think anger and faith are mutually exclusive at all. And even though I *know* some of the trite sayings are true, it still makes me want to punch anyone who dares say one to me. I even get in imaginary fights with people in my head, just thinking about the things they *might* say.
That previous comment about finding plates to break is a FANTASTIC idea.
I believe in God, but still become angry. Still want to know why. I didn't hit the "fair button" until 4 months. Then, it snuck up on me out of no where. It is so powerful, it seems to just bull doze everything in it's path. Hoping this stage isn't long for you...
ReplyDeleteI hate the anger - it feels like it comes from the depths of you. Actually almost physically hurting. Just when I think I have hit a new stage the anger comes back in full force. I wish I found the comfort some find in religion.
ReplyDelete((hug)) My son died in December 2007 (he was one of my identical twins), and I'm still angry. I'm healing, and wading through the grief, taking it as it comes, but it's still incredibly hard. I hope you'll find some reprieve soon, if only for a while. Take care of yourself <3
ReplyDeleteOh, Tina, I understand. This is all so hard - there's so much pain and grief still from the loss, and yet you feel guilty for being worried and nervous about the new baby (and not enjoying it as much as you want). I don't think you're a hypocrite at all - you're seeking solace and love. That is never a bad thing.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
I understand what you're feeling and what you're saying. It's so true. All the unfairness, all the anger, I just don't get it. Thinking of you. XO
ReplyDeleteYou have every right to be angry. This world is so unfair. I see people that are horrible, awful people, and it's not fair they have kids when others are so much more deserving. I think the plates are an excellent idea. If I were closer I'd give you a bunch to break!
ReplyDeleteIt does not make you a hypocrite, it makes you human. You pray because you still believe in miracles and know that prayers can be answered. We will never know why some prayers don't get answered, but we pray nonetheless and hope they will. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI am so here right now, too. Today i was feeling great for a minute-and then walked into Target and saw boy/girl twins. I just wanted to run. And then I was just so angry. It comes and goes for me, but right now it SO bitter and so sweet.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many lines and phrases from this post that I could absolutely have written myself. It's like reading my own thoughts.
You hang in there, Tina. I so get it. I know it cycles through, but it sucks. We're here to listen . Vent away.
I totally get your anger, Tina. I wasn't angry for a LONG time and then WHAM out of nowhere I was furious at the world, God, church, people in my family, friends, strangers... you name it. You are not a hypocrite, you are being completely honest which is the best thing you can possibly do. I remember being so angry, and my husband was worried about me, but I told him I had to feel it, and it couldn't be turned off by talking about it. I hope you continue to let yourself feel this part of grief. We have all been there, Christian or no Christian. Thinking of you, and keep praying! God can take every emotion he created in us.
ReplyDeleteI'm not there yet either Tina.
ReplyDeleteI also feel very angry. For myself, for you, for all of us. x
I'm reading your blog for the first time, and have only read this latest entry on anger. While I have not lost my own child (I don't have children to begin with) I had a friend lose a child. He was 5 years old with HLHS. Oh how I prayed for that child, entire churches prayed for that child. I had never prayed for anything as fervently. Yet...he died. Anger at God filled me. If I confessed to anyone that I was angry at God, they seemed to be appalled by this, and didn't like me to feel that emotion. They didn't want to talk about it with me. They wanted me to take the stance of "Well, God needed him in heaven." Whatever, I'd say. God doesn't NEED anyone in heaven. He made that home for us, yes. But he doesn't get lonely up there and decide he needs a 5 year old boy to fill the absence. What I did realize, is that God created our emotions. He KNOWS that we get angry. The bible even says we can be angry, as long as we don't allow it to lead us to sin. My solution for my anger, was to tell God about it. I would tell him how angry I was. It involved stomping around my house, pointing my finger at him, and sometimes yelling. As long as we continue to communicate with God, he can work us through the anger. So...keep communicating with him. Even if it's just telling him how mad you are. How disappointed you are, how disusted you are. He created all those emotions...he knows how they feel.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to this. I feel into the anger stage almost immediately after losing the boys. Every now and then it will fall upon me in the blink of an eye and I will be bitter until it leaves me again.
ReplyDeleteI love ALL of my faith in God the moment my sons passed away yet I too continue to pray for this baby and for my other angel mommy friends. It just such a hard place we are in.
*hugs*
I agree with you... with every word. Since losing Connor I've been afraid to admit that I'm angry and that what little faith I have has been severely tested. I'm not sure that the faith is there anymore... but I too still pray. For the chance that it will bring comfort to me and everyone else.
ReplyDeletei'm sorry you're hurt and angry and i understand. It's okay to be angry, that is a normal reaction i believe we were all angry at one point and we sometimes still get angry every now and again. As you said though, you are still praying and whether you know it or not your faith is there, if it weren't you wouldn't pray. I am praying for you, your peace, your healing heart and for your new baby. Just continue to take it one day at a time, be the best tina that you can be and i know it is sometimes it is hard to believe , even for me but healing is comeing. Until then i am praying for you. Hugs and Love
ReplyDeleteAnger...I've been there and sometimes I'm still there! I was so uncomfortable there, so uneasy in my skin being that angry, but I understand. I have great faith, and I was FURIOUS with God, I yelled and cursed Him, then I gave Him the silent treatment (I'm chuckling at myself there!). I'll tell you what one of my youth said once, "God would rather us scream and yell than not talk to Him at all!" I believe that. I can't stand for people to say that they've prayed for their child, as if I didn't pray for mine--what?!?! A friend of mine who had an unsuccessful IVF had another rude girl (who got pg first try and never had a complication) told her "Well, I've been praying for THIS baby, so I know it will be ok!". This send my friend over the edge, and myself as well, as I had just lost a baby and she knew it. It was RUDE!
ReplyDeleteWe can't change what happened and we have to go through the grief, but I know it's hard. Everyday is hard. People who haven't done this don't realize, it's hard! I'm praying for your peace.
Well sheesh, everyone else has already stolen my words. What to add...HUGS first. I think you're not alone in feeling angry. Heck; you SHOULD feel angry. I agree: "everything happens for a reason" and "just pray" are bullshit cop-out ways to make other people feel better about your situation. I always felt like people never knew what to say around me for the longest time after Zach's death, so they said these dumb little cliches that only came across as insensitive.
ReplyDeleteAnger: I think it's a normal human thing to feel. Not that I'm an expert by any means, but still. I'm pretty sure you're not alone in feeling this way.
Hang in there.
My first reaction to your post: Been there, am there, understand.
ReplyDeleteMy first response to some of the responses: Please, do not leave the Church. Christ is present in His Church, and you need Him. And for those of you who are Catholic, the Church does understand, as long as you remember that the Church is the body of Christ, even if so many of His members are ailing.
Then I, an orthodox, practicing Catholic working on her degree in theology, thought: but none of this matters. You feel like you have been dropped in a pile of sh*t and you want to send the one who dumped you there to hell. I went through the angry stage of grief, and BOY was I pissed. I have never been that angry in all of my life. I truly felt like I was going to explode. There was no way I was talking to Him; after all, He did this to me, etc. I felt it, and I shouted in, and I thought for sure I had lost my faith. But you no what, it is getting better. I still have bouts of anger, and I am still not where I used to be with God, but I wonder if we will be closer when all of this is done. You need to remember, He lost His son in a very violent way too.
A person once told me that you cannot feel such strong emotions towards God unless you are close to Him. Perhaps we are all closer than we think.