Sigh...11 months. How can it already be 11 months? Where have the days gone? How have I managed to go on living this long? It all seems so vivid, like it just happened yesterday, but it has really been 11 months.
The days seemed to be getting easier for a while, but now I am overwhelmed with missing and longing for my girls. I don't know if it is hormones, or because I am not working and have more time to think, or if it is just where I am at in this so called process. Really it doesn't matter why. I am just very sad that Sophia & Ellie aren't here. That they aren't in our home. That we are unable to hold them and kiss them. Sad doesn’t really even begin to describe my feelings. I don’t think there are any words great enough, but I know you know what I mean,
I was driving home this morning and thinking about a room for the new baby. What I envisioned though while thinking of this room was two babies occupying the space. It took me a minute to realize that will never happen. That there will never be two babies in that room. Sophia & Ellie will never be physically present in our home and that realization breaks me. I still don’t understand why, I don’t think I ever will. It tortures haunts me at times because it is all just so…unfair (you knew that word was coming!)
I’ve been trying to decide what to do next month for Sophia’s & Ellie’s 1st birthday. I’ve tried to think about what feels right; having a celebration of their lives with close friends and family, or just doing something by ourselves. However, I just can’t decide…I can’t figure out what feels right and that is just not me. Then it hit me…None of this feels right. None of this is right. This is not the way our lives should be. I think the only thing that would feel right would be celebrating our girls’ first birthday with them home with us. I know this will never happen though so I am still left with figuring out what to do. I don’t know why this is so hard for me…it doesn’t seem to be a problem for other people, but I really just can not decide.
I will be taking flowers to the cemetery this morning and will be doing it alone. Really though, sometimes I prefer it this way. I can let my guard down a little bit and just be there…just me and the girls. Tomorrow we are going to the beach for a few days. I think it will be good to get away and let the distractions take over my thoughts. Maybe I will have a moment of clarity and figure out what to do next month…I doubt it, but you never know!
Happy 11 months Sophia & Ellie. Mommy loves and misses you so very much. xoxo
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It is so unfair that our precious ones are not with us. I have thought about my babies birthday and at first I wanted a celebration with friends and family. Now I think I want it just my husband, myself, and my step-kids. No matter what you decide I am sure that it will be wonderful and full of love. I think of you and your girls often. xo
ReplyDeleteI was like Jill. At first, I thought I'd do something big for Ella's bday bc we didn't do a memorial when she died. Then, I decided to just use the day to focus on Ella and do little things for her. Maybe you can look into the butterflies and prayers, too. We are so fortunate to have it warm enough for butterflies. Don't stress, I think it will come to you. Thinking of you, Sophia, and Ellie today. Huge hugs!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you on Sophia and Ellie's 11 month birthday...
ReplyDeleteWe have a small gathering for their birthdays, usually on the weekend before, and then celebrate with just us on their actual birthdays. We do cake and "their" dinners on both days, and just remember.
Thinking of you and your precious Sophie & Ellie. I remember crossing that 11 month time marker .. and then the one year. It just doesn't get easier and I so wish I could bring your girls back to you.
ReplyDeleteWe just did a balloon release with family and friends and dinner with our family afterwards.
Wishing you peace as their 1st birthday gets closer.
*hugs*
*Sophia I apologize I accidentally put an "E" at the end of her name
ReplyDelete*hugs*
Thinking of you, Sophia & Ellie today. I am sure whatever it is you decide to do will be absolutely perfect. It's so unfair they are not here with you today. I wish it were different. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteI've begun to think a bit about what I want to do at the end of April as well. I hope that you can find just the right way to honour your lovely little girls.
ReplyDeletexx
Ruth
The boys birthday was really hard on me, i thought i was doing ok and then when it got close i fell apart, it really is a hard time. i did a barbecue at the park and a balloon release with a few family then later on in the day i went out and did something by myself because i couldnt decide what i wanted to do so i done both.
ReplyDeleteHappy 11 months Sophia and Ellie Xxx
I have been thinking a lot about Maddie's birthday in July, too. People honor their babies in so many ways... I think I'll want something private just because I'll be too emotional, but I think that you deserve to do whatever makes you feel most comfortable. Take care of yourself and baby, but know that we are loving Sophia and Ellie with you.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and all our girls as their 1st birthdays approach. Big Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you all. x
ReplyDeleteHappy 11 months sweet ones. I don't think anything will ever feel right. I wanted to do something so I kinda ran with some ideas and adjusted as I went, that way it was certain something will be done. On Kasey's actual birthday we didn't do anything, Kevin was just beginning to deal with it all so he wasn't any help... I of course had him in my thoughts all day as I always do. Do what feels right for you would be my suggestion... If that is nothing, lighting a candle, releasing balloons, planting something, etc. What you do will be right and your sweet babies know they are loved and missed more than words can explain! Thinking of you!! Sending you lots of(((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteJust more hugs and love...hope you got my email. Have a good time at the beach with some smiles. xxxooo Nan
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI've gone back and forth on this too and I still have till July to figure it out. Do whatever is right for you. Either way, Sophia and Ellie will know you are doing whatever you decide to do out of love for them. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteIt was hard for me to decide what to do because my husband still is not very open with his grief. I didn't want to add more stress to the day. But it all worked out. It will be completely up to you and the way you feel.
ReplyDeleteOh Tina, as I'm struggling with the beginning of this month, I remembered that April isn't a good month for you either. As it approaches the one your angelversarry of our babies, I say a prayer for our angels, our families, and for us.
ReplyDelete(((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteI left a little gift for you on my blog. www.missingjuanito.blogspot.com
I'm coming up on 11 months too. Its crazy it seems like yesterday.
ReplyDeleteHugs and prayers as always
Seriously late but I'm trying to catch up on posts.
ReplyDeleteHappy 11 month birthday to your girls.