11 months

Sigh...11 months. How can it already be 11 months? Where have the days gone? How have I managed to go on living this long? It all seems so vivid, like it just happened yesterday, but it has really been 11 months.

The days seemed to be getting easier for a while, but now I am overwhelmed with missing and longing for my girls. I don't know if it is hormones, or because I am not working and have more time to think, or if it is just where I am at in this so called process. Really it doesn't matter why. I am just very sad that Sophia & Ellie aren't here. That they aren't in our home. That we are unable to hold them and kiss them. Sad doesn’t really even begin to describe my feelings.  I don’t think there are any words great enough, but I know you know what I mean,

I was driving home this morning and thinking about a room for the new baby. What I envisioned though while thinking of this room was two babies occupying the space. It took me a minute to realize that will never happen.  That there will never be two babies in that room.  Sophia & Ellie will never be physically present in our home and that realization breaks me.  I still don’t understand why, I don’t think I ever will.  It tortures haunts me at times because it is all just so…unfair (you knew that word was coming!) 

I’ve been trying to decide what to do next month for Sophia’s & Ellie’s 1st birthday.  I’ve tried to think about what feels right; having a celebration of their lives with close friends and family, or just doing something by ourselves.  However, I just can’t decide…I can’t figure out what feels right and that is just not me.  Then it hit me…None of this feels right.  None of this is right.  This is not the way our lives should be.  I think the only thing that would feel right would be celebrating our girls’ first birthday with them home with us.  I know this will  never happen though so I am still left with figuring out what to do.  I don’t know why this is so hard for me…it doesn’t seem to be a problem for other people, but I really just can not decide. 

I will be taking flowers to the cemetery this morning and will be doing it alone.  Really though, sometimes I prefer it this way.  I can let my guard down a little bit and just be there…just me and the girls.  Tomorrow we are going to the beach for a few days.  I think it will be good to get away and let the distractions take over my thoughts.  Maybe I will have a moment of clarity and figure out what to do next month…I doubt it, but you never know!

Happy 11 months Sophia & Ellie.  Mommy loves and misses you so very much.  xoxo

 

better

Thank you all so much for your kind words, encouragement, and understanding after my last post. It wasn't very easy for me to put those feelings in writing, but as usual your comments made me realize that I am not alone in this battle.

I have been feeling a little better. I am trying not to let my anger take over, although sometimes it is just hard. Sometimes one little thing may set me off and then I can feel my emotions spinning out of control. Not to mention that I have been off work for several weeks and have had A LOT of time to just sit and think. I love having the time to myself, but on the other hand I think it is sometimes helpful to have something going on to occupy my thoughts besides Fam.ily Fe.ud (not to mention there has been a set of identical twins on the show for the past few days...whatever!)

I briefly read a blog where the writer talks about Perfect Moments. (I am not sure how I got to this blog or the address.) Perfect Moments are not something you create, they are something you find in your life everyday...just little snippets of your day that make me smile or my heart melt. (That is in my words not the blogger's.) So I am trying to focus on those Perfect Moments. Like those times when my children are playing nicely together (that is not always very often with 7 years in between them.) Or when Emma says something that just melts my heart. Or getting an e-mail from someone who was thinking of Sophia & Ellie. Those to me are Perfect Moments and then happen everyday many times a day and I am trying to spend more time enjoying these when they happen.

Here is one Perfect Moment for today. I woke up to find this in my Inbox:

Thank you so much Sarah & Richard for thinking of my girls. You are always so kind and thoughtful and I am so grateful for the pictures you have sent me. I wonder if you truly know how much it warms my heart that you did this for my girls.

So my morning started off with a Perfect Moment and then getting the kids ready and off to school there were several Not So Perfect Moments. Now I am home alone for a few hours trying to occupy myself because it is hard to create a Perfect Moment all on your own! And I can't help but wonder how many Perfect Moments I would be having right now if Sophia & Ellie were here.

anger

I haven't written lately. I have not been in a very good place. Physically I am well and baby girl is great. Just emotionally I have been a mess.

Every time I write, I talk about how unfair this all is. Unfair for me, unfair for you...just unfair. I can not seem to leave that word out of my vocabulary. I know life isn't fair and that is just the way it is, but losing Sophia & Ellie takes it to a whole new level for me. Especially when I see or hear of people who have no business being parents because of their lack of ability or efforts. It really makes me angry.


For so long I haven't felt angry. I hadn't experienced that aspect of grief until now. I am angry. Angry that my babies aren't here. Angry that other (and in my eyes undeserving) people have their babies. Angry at the stupid things people say, even when they are not directed or even said to me. I am just angry. I'm angry at God for letting this happen. I don't think he caused it to happen, but why did it happen to me, to all of us, instead of someone else who ends up just putting their children in harms way later anyway? (Not that I would EVER wish this on ANYONE else...) I just don't get it.


When people say that their prayers were answered or that they believe in the power of prayer, it pisses me off. I was praying, many people were praying, for me and my babies, and where did that get us? I just don't understand. How is it decided whose prayers are answered? With the flip of a coin? It is just all so random. It pisses me off when someone says to me that everything happens for a reason. Well, no it doesn't...I want to say to that person, "Then tell me the reason my girls died." I think that bad things happen to good people for no reason at all...it is just random.

I know many of you out there are very spiritual and have a close relationship with God. I am just not there. I am angry that my girls are dead, but other people keep believing that their prayers will be answered while mine were ignored. I wonder how they will feel if theirs go unanswered too.


But you know what is so ironic?? I still pray. I pray for peace and comfort for all of us in pain. I pray for my new little one (and all of your new little ones too), that she gets here safely, I pray for those of you who are ttc, when you ask for prayers, I pray. Does that make me a hypocrite or what?? I just wish I understood; I wish I had the answers. But I guess that is where faith comes in and I am just not there yet.

The funeral, 10 months, strange ? & a fb giveaway

Hutch's grandma's funeral was Thursday. It was strange for me; I felt very peaceful and didn't even cry at the services. I know it is hard for everyone who loved her to let go of such an important part of the family, but when I think of her, I think of someone who lived a long wonderful life. She lived every moment to the fullest and never held back. I think if we were able to ask her, she would say that she has no regrets. I am very sad for Hutch's grandpa though. They have been married 64 years and together even longer than that. My heart breaks for him. He has always been so feisty and chipper, and to see him now, you know his heart has been ripped from his chest. I am saddened that his life partner has been taken from him, but I have to believe that he will get through this. If we are able to work through our grief, he can work though his too.

Thursday was also 10 months since saying goodbye to my sweet Sophia & Ellie. After the funeral, we hosted lunch at our house. It was a beautiful day, even with all the sadness. We had white roses on all the tables, so after the luncheon we made 4 bouquets from the roses and took one of them out to the girls. I loved taking a piece of their great-grandma's day out to them. Then this weekend we took the rest of the flowers out to grandma. Unfortunately they are not buried at the same cemetery, but that is okay.

I have felt so much peace and comfort since grandma's passing. I feel kind of selfish and strange for not being sadder than I am. But I am taking so much comfort in thinking she is with my girls. They now have someone who loves them to look after them until I can be there. I feel a sense of peace knowing that they are all together.

The cat is definitely out of the bag about my pregnancy. My doctor took me off work 3+ weeks ago, so everyone from work now knows. I've been asked a question a few times that kind of bothers me. People ask me, "How many babies this time, one or two?" In a way I feel this is insensitive, but on the other hand, I like the fact that they recognize my twins. I don't know, it just seems weird to me when I hear these words come out of someone's mouth. I guess I am probably being too analytical about it.

Franchesca at Small Bird Studio made me a button for my etsy shop. She was great to work with even through all my indecisiveness. Thanks Franchesca!! And speaking of my shop...I had my 100th sale on etsy a few days ago! To thank everyone for their support, I am doing a giveaway on face.book. If you are interested in winning a gift certificate to my shop, please go here, become a fan, and leave a comment. I will be choosing a winner in a few days.

Hope you all have a great week!!