Hutch's grandmother passed away this morning. I never had the chance to tell her my feelings; to let her know to take care of Sophia & Ellie until I can be with them myself. But...I am at peace with this. I talked to my IRL friend "L" about it and she assured me that grandma already knows. Grandma has told Hutch before that she has a connection to our girls, so I am confident that they are all together exchanging big hugs and kisses right now. How sweet it must be!
I told Emma that grandma died this morning. She is five so really doesn't have a whole lot to say about it. She didn't cry, but I asked her if it made her sad and she said ys. So I said, "But guess who she gets to be with now??" And Emma guessed right, "My sisters!!" So we talked about how lucky they are to be able to be together and that I am kind of jealous, but we will have our time one day, a long, long time from now. We discussed that grandma had a very long and happy life and that it is okay that she had to leave us. She quickly noted that Sophia's & Ellie's lives were not long like grandma's. That they died much too soon.
Sadly, this conversation was not difficult to have with her. She already know about death and that anyone can die, even babies who aren't born yet. She knows the process, death, sadness, funeral, sadness, more sadness, and so on. She "gets it" all too well.
On another note, twin sightings...they are happening again. They seemed to stop for quite some time, but within the last week I have seen 3, maybe 4 (am not for sure if the 4th were twins, could have possibly even been triplets,) sets of twins...all girls. I am trying to see this as a sign from my girls, that they are sending little hellos my way when I see these twins, but it is hard. It is so hard for me not to sit there and just wonder, "Why...why can't that be me??" It is just so unfair.
I had a thought the other day; it isn't very nice, but I am going to write it here anyway. I thought, when this baby I am now carrying is, lets say a teenager, and she is behaving badly (lets face it, they all do at some point!) will I think, "If the twins were here, I wouldn't be dealing with this?" I know...not very nice! When she is causing trouble will I wonder or be angry at her for Sophia & Ellie not being here? I truly hope not, I hope these thoughts won't enter my mind. I know I will love her, but there will also be times when I am upset with her. I would have had both feelings with the twins too. I think the fact that I am aware of this thought will help me to not feel this way...does that make any sense???
We are coming up on on ten months very soon, the one year mark is approaching even quicker. I am trying to get my thoughts together on what I would like to do, but I just can't seem to find what feels right. I would like to do a butterfly release along with some other things. If anyone knows of a good source for butterflies please let me know! Thanks for "listening!"
A Different Kind of Before and After
19 hours ago