Through this journey I have sometimes wondered if I have lost a piece of my sanity. Well, actually I am certain that I have, but I am hoping that it is normal!
A few days after losing Sophia & Ellie I received a message from my OB's office. As I sat on hold waiting to be connected to the person whom called I thought maybe she was calling to tell me there had been a mistake and my babies hadn't died. I really hoped this was what she was calling for. Then I cam back to reality when she came on the line and told me my iron was low and I needed to take a supplement. I would have much rather heard what I wanted to hear.
This baby that I am now carrying is SOOOOOO active. I felt her moving very early on and she is constantly doing something to get my attention. I like to think that her and her sisters are working together to let me know she is okay. However, the other day she was moving so much that I thought there has to be two babies in there! Let me remind you that I have had no less than half a dozen ultrasounds (and every time I wonder if they will find another baby) and every time there is only one. I don't know why I think about this, or obsess about it you may say. Another set of twins will not replace the ones I lost, just like this singleton will not replace Sophia & Ellie either, but...I still think about it. After my very detailed 20 week scan where there is NO POSSIBLE WAY they could have missed a second baby I still had this thought...maybe there are two. I know there isn't but you see, that is why I think I have lost a piece of my sanity. I hope I am not alone here with these irrational thoughts!! I always come back to reality quickly, but once in a while my mind still goes there. I guess it is all a part of losing such loved ones.
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1 week ago
I feel that way too. I keep hoping that if I ever have a pregnancy that lasts longer than 9 weeks, it will be another twin pregnancy. It happened spontaneously before, right? It can happen again, right? Or if we go the embryo donation route, 2 of the 3 embryos will implant, right? There is a high liklihood of that, right? It's not rational but I get it. Mostly, for me, I think, it's the knowledge that whatever pregnancy sticks will probably be my last and I really wanted more than one child. Don't worry, I'm insane with you.
ReplyDeleteI am right there with you. I am still having phantom kicks. I fill them and then think maybe it was all a dream. Then reality sets in. Maybe this is too much info but I had my first cycle last week and that made it so real. I really wasn't carrying him anymore. I want so badly to have him back, but I can't. I often dream about having him and playing with him and I wish I didn't have to wake up. I think everything you are feeling is very normal!
ReplyDeleteIt's so good to hear from you....it sounds like you are in a good, solid state of mind, personally. THinking that S & E are helping their sister let you know she is alright must be a comforting thought. Wishing you peaceful days and plenty of enjoymnet during this pregnancy.
ReplyDeletehugs,
christy
I know that there is something special about twins and I was SO excited to be pregnant with twins. I think all the excitement of it and the special meaning of twins makes us want twins again. I love Emma and Chase so much it hurts. I know that when I get pregnant again that baby will never replace them, but the hopes for twins again will probably be there. I don't think you have lost your sanity at all.
ReplyDeletexo
You haven't lost your sanity...and are not irrational. The heart just longs for what is lost, its natural. I've given up on using the word "normal", as I don't know what normal is anymore. Natural seems to be a more proper fit for baby lost mom's.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you and know that I'm sending you hugs and well wishes for your sweet baby. Your story gives me such hope and determination to persever on :)
Andrea
persuitofourfairytale.blogspot.com
If you've lost your sanity, then I will gladly say I have too! (but I don't think either one of us has!) I like how Andrea said 'the heart just longs for what is lost'.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and I am glad to hear that your little baby girl is making her presence known :)
You aren't insane at all - all of that activity seems like it could be four little legs instead of two!
ReplyDeleteI agree, I think this is very normal. With Peanut, and I have never even been pregnant with twins, I kept thinking the same things, that there had to another one in there somewhere hiding and that maybe they had missed it. Glad I wasnt the only one thinking and feeling those things. Im also happy to hear that your scan went well! *HUGS*
ReplyDeletei haven't been pregnant after loss, but I really think what you are feeling is normal. the others are right, the heart does long for what it has lost.
ReplyDeleteThat is fun that she is such an active little girl. Maybe she is enjoying all that space in there.
ReplyDeleteHope is stronger than being rational, isn't it?
WE have all lost a piece of our sanity, when a piece of our heart was taken too! But glad your little one is constantly moving and reminding you that she is alive, here, and coming soon!
ReplyDeleteIt is all part of it...
ReplyDeleteI often feel like I've lost a part of my sanity. You arent alone in that.
I thought that for a while, too :)
ReplyDeleteSo glad this little one is growing big and strong!
I love that you are feeling her kick, almost a necessity these days to make you feel good huh. What is sanity anyway? Mine left a long time ago! I do agree with Andrea and Franchesca though, out hearts will always pang for our babies in Heaven...I just thank God we have another chance to add to our families. Love, nan xo
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy that you are feeling her moving around so much. And along with everyone else, I don't think you've lost your sanity, you've just lost two huge pieces of yourself and it's natural to want that back! We do long for what we've lost and it's a lot easier to convince our rational side of things than it is to convince our emotions and our hearts! Oh, if our hearts could move on, but really who would want that?!?! We keep our babies close always, and I'm certain those beautiful girls are helping your new baby girl keep you full of assurance that things will be ok!! Hugs to you!!
ReplyDeleteYou are so not alone in your irrational thoughts. It's good to see you post. :)
ReplyDeleteThinking about you and the little one growing inside of you.
ReplyDeleteSo glad that the little one is dancing in there. I miss those moments. This may be TMI but when my stomach is bubbly, it reminds me of Lukas' kicks.
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone and have not lost it! I too think this one and her brother are giving me these kicks just when I start to wonder and freak out. I think its similar when I wanted another boy. O
ReplyDeleten a side note-I agree with Mary. I will always feel those "kicks" when I am not pregnant. I think its our angles letting us know that they are with us.
Ach Tina, I'm sure I will be the same. I often wonder if I will have twins again, although I know it is very unlikely. Like Jill says above, there is something special about twins and being pregnant with two babies. I was also so excited. I don't think you are losing your sanity! x
ReplyDeleteI think it's normal to hope for what you have lost. I know I very much want another girl. So much so I think I might cry if this baby is a boy!
ReplyDeleteTina, I think I have lost my sanity too, even if only in temporary waves...
ReplyDeleteI often read other babylost mamas who lost one or both twins wanting a 2nd twin preganancy. I feel exactly the opposite. I am so afraid of another twin pregnancy, I feel like a singleton has a better chance with me...
Hang in there Tina, sending you lots of good healthy baby vibes.
ohhh, sanity is overrated.... say those of us who have lost some, lol! after i lost Leila i was hoping that i had been pregnant with twins (doc's first suspicion during my first appt since my uterus was so big) and that there was still another baby in my belly that had survived. i hoped this well after my due date, knowing full well that there couldn't be another baby in there after 43 weeks. i think it's all normal, and who wouldn't blame us for having these hopes? we do what we need to to survive, and if that means dulling the pain with unrealistic hope, then so be it. i can't imagine anybody gets through this with their sanity intact.
ReplyDeletesending lots of love,
christy