preparing for Sunday

Where do I even begin???

The entire month of April was difficult. It was like the calendar turned to April 1st and my mood changed along with it without even knowing. The week before Sophia ‘s & Ellie’s birthday was especially hard. I had been told by my special friend Nan to keep busy and when I started feeling sad to do something for my girls. I thought about this and although it sounded like wonderful advice, I didn’t know how to implement it, but then it just happened.

As you know I really struggled with what to do for Sophia’s & Ellie’s birthday. I didn’t know what to do or who to include. After talking with Hutch and hearing a few other things, I decided to just keep it to our little family. But then one of my sils asked about going to the cemetery that day because her kids wanted to release some balloons for the girls. So that got me thinking…A few days before their b-day I sent out an e-mail to our close family/friends and told them we would be at the cemetery at 1:00 to celebrate the girls’ birthday if they would like to join us. I also asked them not to feel any obligation to be there because I really didn’t want to bother anyone with this. I was pretty overwhelmed when I saw that everyone I had sent the e-mail to was there…I really wasn’t expecting that.

So the days before Sunday were filed with preparations. Some of these were things I began weeks ago, others were last minute thoughts. Many weeks ago I contacted Butterflies and Prayers. This organization's mission “Is to provide butterflies and prayers to families grieving due to the untimely and tragic loss of a loved one.” They connect families to butterfly farmers in their area who are willing to donate these beautiful butterflies for special events. I was so happy to learn we had a local farmer who was willing to do this for us, and it just happened to be someone that I used a couple years ago for pony rides for Emma’s birthday party! So that was one thing checked off my list.

Another person I contacted a while ago was Dana from Portraits by Dana. I wanted her to do a sketch of Sophia & Ellie. I have pictures taken when we were in the hospital, but they are not something that many people would be comfortable looking at. So I contacted Dana and had her do a sketch. I LOVE it! It looks just like my girls and it is something that I can feel good about when other people look at it.

Another thing I did was make a card to give to those people who would be joining us on Sunday. On this card I included the sketch because not many people have even seen Sophia’s & Ellie’s pictures. I also found a poem, Two Little Butterflies, that I changed just a little and used on the card. I then wrote a special message from us and gave the link to Sophia's & Ellie’s MOD bands if anyone was interested in making a small donation in honor of them.

Since butterflies kept working their way into Sophia’s & Ellie’s special day, I decided to go with a butterfly theme. Instead of doing a cake I decided to make cupcakes to give to everyone who was coming. I spent a lot of time looking for the right thing to top off the cupcakes. Well this turned into a bit of a fiasco! I ordered tags with the girls’ names, birthdate and two sweet little butterflies. The order was to be rushed to me, but when I hadn’t received it on Friday, I contacted the seller. Poor thing…she felt so badly…she forgot to mark the order as a rush and although it was filled, it sat in her shop in Texas Friday afternoon. When I read this I lost it, I sat at the computer with tears streaming down my cheeks…I understood how the mix-up happened, but why did it have to happen to me, for this event??? After I calmed down, I decided to ask the seller if she could send me a pdf of the tag and I could make them myself. While I was typing this message, she sent me another message asking this same thing! So she sent me the file, I called her and she told me all the tools I would need to make the tags. I really am so happy that things worked out this was, because it kept my hands busy and my mind occupied so I didn’t have too much time to really sit and think about all the details that get my emotions going. It made me happy to be doing something for Sophia & Ellie. Emma was a big help with the tags. She punched out all the butterflies for me, while I assembled the rest of the tag.

Then the cupcakes…Emma & I started baking Saturday morning. My mom stopped by and was sucked into helping me! After she put together a flower arrangement for the girls’ grave, I had her help me with decorating the cupcakes. I put the icing on and her and Emma did the sugar sprinkles. Then we boxed them up and mom tied the bows and I put the tags on. (Forgive the pictures, Emma was the photographer of the day.)

So everything was ready, I had the butterflies lined up, the cupcakes were ready to go, the card was safely tucked under the cupcake box, flowers were ready, I was getting balloons the next morning…I was ready. Ready as one can be I guess.

I will save Sunday for another post since this is getting quite lengthy. However, I do want to thank you for ALL the messages I received wishing my girls a happy birthday and me a peaceful day. Your kind words brought me much comfort…Thank you!!!

Happy 1st Birthday Sophia & Ellie

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busy

Busy…That is how my life has been the last couple of weeks. Sophia’s & Ellie’s birthday is quickly approaching. I have made several decisions about what to do, but now I have to prepare for them and I think that part is even harder. We have had many events and functions to attend the last couple of weeks. Last year I went to some of these things as a VERY pregnant mother to be of twins. Others, I had just lost the girls and was still trying to cope with the newness of it all. Needless to say, these things have taken me right back to that place I was at almost a year ago. I even overheard people talking about me at one of these events, but that is okay because it made me feel like they remembered my girls (even though they didn’t know them.) I haven’t attended some of these things because I don’t want to talk to people about this pregnancy and feel awkward when I do or don’t talk about my pregnancy with the twins.

Its hard and still so fresh when I think about that day…that very long day that wasn’t long enough. I would have stayed on that day forever if it meant I wouldn’t have to turn my girls over to someone to have their tiny bodies buried. It is all still so painful when I actually sit and think about it. I guess that is why I just try to busy myself, sometimes it is easier to take my mind away from that day and not think about all the agonizing details, not replay them over and over in my mind. I prefer to just focus on my girls and their sweet little faces. I guess that is what I will try to do this week…the last week before their first birthday.

Yesterday I was asked THREE times how many children this baby will make for us…THREE time in ONE day!!! I think I need a shirt that says not to ask this question. I hate this question…HATE it!! All three times yesterday my answer was, “Three.” I hate that I can’t just say 5, but I think my problem with it is this. Five is a lot of kids…so I feel like if I say that, people may react and say something like, “Five…wow that a lot of kids, blah, blah, blah…” Then the conversation may turn into me explaining our non-traditional family and again, awkwardness. I don’t know, I have thought about trying it out on someone, but just haven’t found the right person to be my guinea pig I guess. And really, I giess it is not a big deal, but it makes me uncomfortable when I don't include Sophia & Ellie because they are very much a part of our family.

This week will be another busy one as I prepare myself for next Sunday. It is so hard to believe almost a year has passed; it feels like yesterday. I guess it will always feel that way, every detail of that bittersweet day is forever engrained in my mind and heart.

Our First Easter

Happy first Easter Sophia & Ellie.

Last Easter you were still tucked safely inside my belly. Growing, kicking, pushing, and happy. Grandma had a special Easter Basket for the two of you to share. I still have the special box she used and I keep some of your very precious things in it today. We were all so happy and excited to be meeting the two of you in the next few months, little did we know how our lives would change so quickly.

Today I can imagine dressing you in Easter pretties and watching you crawl across the grass to all the colorful eggs. I wish this was our life, with the two of you physically in it. Instead we did things to remember you. We decorated eggs and wrote your names on them.

The Easter bunny thought of you too! He brought Sophia a very sweet pink tulip and Ellie a beautiful purple tulip. We will plant them in our yard and think of you when we look at them.

While we were away last week, your big sister thought of you too. We were down on the beach and someone had drawn a big heart in the sand. She wrote your names inside the heart because she loves you girls and misses you so much.

I miss you sweet girls. I hate that things are this way and that you can’t be here with us. But I do hope you are having a wonderful celebration in Heaven and Great-Grandma is helping you find the best eggs ever.

Love you,

Mommy

11 months

Sigh...11 months. How can it already be 11 months? Where have the days gone? How have I managed to go on living this long? It all seems so vivid, like it just happened yesterday, but it has really been 11 months.

The days seemed to be getting easier for a while, but now I am overwhelmed with missing and longing for my girls. I don't know if it is hormones, or because I am not working and have more time to think, or if it is just where I am at in this so called process. Really it doesn't matter why. I am just very sad that Sophia & Ellie aren't here. That they aren't in our home. That we are unable to hold them and kiss them. Sad doesn’t really even begin to describe my feelings.  I don’t think there are any words great enough, but I know you know what I mean,

I was driving home this morning and thinking about a room for the new baby. What I envisioned though while thinking of this room was two babies occupying the space. It took me a minute to realize that will never happen.  That there will never be two babies in that room.  Sophia & Ellie will never be physically present in our home and that realization breaks me.  I still don’t understand why, I don’t think I ever will.  It tortures haunts me at times because it is all just so…unfair (you knew that word was coming!) 

I’ve been trying to decide what to do next month for Sophia’s & Ellie’s 1st birthday.  I’ve tried to think about what feels right; having a celebration of their lives with close friends and family, or just doing something by ourselves.  However, I just can’t decide…I can’t figure out what feels right and that is just not me.  Then it hit me…None of this feels right.  None of this is right.  This is not the way our lives should be.  I think the only thing that would feel right would be celebrating our girls’ first birthday with them home with us.  I know this will  never happen though so I am still left with figuring out what to do.  I don’t know why this is so hard for me…it doesn’t seem to be a problem for other people, but I really just can not decide. 

I will be taking flowers to the cemetery this morning and will be doing it alone.  Really though, sometimes I prefer it this way.  I can let my guard down a little bit and just be there…just me and the girls.  Tomorrow we are going to the beach for a few days.  I think it will be good to get away and let the distractions take over my thoughts.  Maybe I will have a moment of clarity and figure out what to do next month…I doubt it, but you never know!

Happy 11 months Sophia & Ellie.  Mommy loves and misses you so very much.  xoxo

 

better

Thank you all so much for your kind words, encouragement, and understanding after my last post. It wasn't very easy for me to put those feelings in writing, but as usual your comments made me realize that I am not alone in this battle.

I have been feeling a little better. I am trying not to let my anger take over, although sometimes it is just hard. Sometimes one little thing may set me off and then I can feel my emotions spinning out of control. Not to mention that I have been off work for several weeks and have had A LOT of time to just sit and think. I love having the time to myself, but on the other hand I think it is sometimes helpful to have something going on to occupy my thoughts besides Fam.ily Fe.ud (not to mention there has been a set of identical twins on the show for the past few days...whatever!)

I briefly read a blog where the writer talks about Perfect Moments. (I am not sure how I got to this blog or the address.) Perfect Moments are not something you create, they are something you find in your life everyday...just little snippets of your day that make me smile or my heart melt. (That is in my words not the blogger's.) So I am trying to focus on those Perfect Moments. Like those times when my children are playing nicely together (that is not always very often with 7 years in between them.) Or when Emma says something that just melts my heart. Or getting an e-mail from someone who was thinking of Sophia & Ellie. Those to me are Perfect Moments and then happen everyday many times a day and I am trying to spend more time enjoying these when they happen.

Here is one Perfect Moment for today. I woke up to find this in my Inbox:

Thank you so much Sarah & Richard for thinking of my girls. You are always so kind and thoughtful and I am so grateful for the pictures you have sent me. I wonder if you truly know how much it warms my heart that you did this for my girls.

So my morning started off with a Perfect Moment and then getting the kids ready and off to school there were several Not So Perfect Moments. Now I am home alone for a few hours trying to occupy myself because it is hard to create a Perfect Moment all on your own! And I can't help but wonder how many Perfect Moments I would be having right now if Sophia & Ellie were here.

anger

I haven't written lately. I have not been in a very good place. Physically I am well and baby girl is great. Just emotionally I have been a mess.

Every time I write, I talk about how unfair this all is. Unfair for me, unfair for you...just unfair. I can not seem to leave that word out of my vocabulary. I know life isn't fair and that is just the way it is, but losing Sophia & Ellie takes it to a whole new level for me. Especially when I see or hear of people who have no business being parents because of their lack of ability or efforts. It really makes me angry.


For so long I haven't felt angry. I hadn't experienced that aspect of grief until now. I am angry. Angry that my babies aren't here. Angry that other (and in my eyes undeserving) people have their babies. Angry at the stupid things people say, even when they are not directed or even said to me. I am just angry. I'm angry at God for letting this happen. I don't think he caused it to happen, but why did it happen to me, to all of us, instead of someone else who ends up just putting their children in harms way later anyway? (Not that I would EVER wish this on ANYONE else...) I just don't get it.


When people say that their prayers were answered or that they believe in the power of prayer, it pisses me off. I was praying, many people were praying, for me and my babies, and where did that get us? I just don't understand. How is it decided whose prayers are answered? With the flip of a coin? It is just all so random. It pisses me off when someone says to me that everything happens for a reason. Well, no it doesn't...I want to say to that person, "Then tell me the reason my girls died." I think that bad things happen to good people for no reason at all...it is just random.

I know many of you out there are very spiritual and have a close relationship with God. I am just not there. I am angry that my girls are dead, but other people keep believing that their prayers will be answered while mine were ignored. I wonder how they will feel if theirs go unanswered too.


But you know what is so ironic?? I still pray. I pray for peace and comfort for all of us in pain. I pray for my new little one (and all of your new little ones too), that she gets here safely, I pray for those of you who are ttc, when you ask for prayers, I pray. Does that make me a hypocrite or what?? I just wish I understood; I wish I had the answers. But I guess that is where faith comes in and I am just not there yet.