hall pass

I realized something tonight, something that I have NEVER given a thought to in the past 2 years and 5 months. I really am surprised at myself, kind of embarrassed too...

Hutch and I watched "Hall Pass" tonight (a pretty funny movie if you haven't seen it.) At the end, one of the characters, Fred, is at the hospital and on his way up to see his wife. I wondered what he was thinking at that moment. Then it hit me...

When I went into labor with Sophia and Ellie, Hutch was not home, he had left earlier that morning for a golf tournament. My mom took me to the hospital and I called Hutch and told him something was wrong and he needed to meet us there. He drove from the golf course to the hospital (probably a 30 minute drive under normal circumstances) and came up the elevator by himself. I wonder what he was thinking, how he was feeling. I am sure he was scared to see what he was walking into, although he knew it wasn't good. He got there just in time for both of our beautiful daughters to be born.

I can't believe I have never thought about how he was feeling on his way to us, what he was thinking, how he was coping with the possibilities of who knows what at that point. I usually think about other people's feelings, I try really hard to, but this has never entered my mind. I suppose I could ask him, but the time needs to be right. I guess I have been so wrapped up in my own grief and my own memories of that day that I never thought about what he was feeling before he got there. Maybe the fact that I am realizing this now means I am making progress. Or maybe this silly little movie we watched just triggered this for me. It's funny, the things that make me think of my little ones. But then again, they are always right there, in all my thoughts.

a sweet conversation

We were standing in line, an elderly lady was behind us and talking to us about Gigi.

lady (to Emma): Are you her big sister?

Emma: Yes.

lady: Do you have any other brothers or sisters?

Emma: Yes, I have a brother and two other sisters.

me: a big smile and a very warm heart

That girl of mine is the sweetest!

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Tomorrow is my EDD (2 years ago). I know Sophia & Ellie wouldn't have made it to their due date, but it still makes me sit here and wonder what my life would be like with 2 two year olds. I wish I knew.

Tomorrow is also the day I miscarried the first pregnancy after the twins. I can't imagine our lives without Gigi, but I still wonder who that little one was.

i wonder

I've been thinking about this a lot lately...

Brady and Emma have very similar features. They both have brown hair, dark skin, beautiful hazel eyes, and they have always been at the top of the growth charts.

I always assumed the twins would have these same features. Then along came my sweet Gigi. She is the pip-squeak of the family. She is no where near the top of the growth charts, she has BLONDE hair, BLUE eyes, and as Hutch says, she is "pig-mentally challenged" meaning she is super pale!

So now I sit and wonder what color their eyes are, is their hair brown or blonde, are they olive complected or pale...I guess I'll never know during this lifetime...I wish I didn't have to wonder.

today

Today I will be attending a funeral for a baby who lived 5 days. A friend in real life who is living a pain I know all too well. I am so sorry for her, for her husband, and their living daughters. They are the sweetest people and don't deserve this; none of us do.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling. I think I'm okay, but it's bringing me right back to those early days two+ years ago when I was faced with the reality that my babies would not be coming home. The reality that I would have to plan their funeral, pick out their casket, tell my older children that their sisters died. I don't let myself go there very often, it is too dark, too raw, too painful. I choose to remember them in a beautiful way because they were beautiful, they are beautiful.

So today as I remember sweet Leanna with her family, Sophia & Ellie will be right there in my thoughts too, but really, they always are anyways.

finally...a winner

Okay, so I'm late...that's the story of my life! I said I would try to choose a winner last week, but it just didn't happen. But you know what they say, better late than never!! So onto the winner...

I used random.org to choose a commenter and the winner was Deni! And isn't she sweet, she wants to give it to someone else! Let me know your plans Deni!

I hope you all had a peaceful Mother's Day. Mine was...I don't know, I guess kind of weird. I did the usual things to celebrate and that was nice, but I just feel like I'm in a strange place with my loss.

My first Mother's Day after losing Sophia and Ellie was just 2 or 3 weeks later. I was still numb, still so tired. Last year I was pregnant with Gigi and we had just "celebrated" the girls' first birthday. This year was just...I don't know, just strange. I guess I'm still learning to live with it all, but I wish it would stop changing. Just when i think I have things semi-figured out, something changes. I'm not sure what, but something. I guess grief is forever evolving. Hmmm...that wasn't in the handbook.

mother’s day giveaway

I hope you all have a wonderfully peaceful day.  I know for some of you this will be the first year without your sweet baby, for others it will be yet another without a baby in your arms, and for some it will be the first year with your rainbows.  Where ever you are in this journey, I hope your day is filled with love, beauty, and sweet reminders of all your children.

I have had one of these little blanks for sometime now. 

I have been waiting for an opportunity to use it, but just haven't found it yet.  I don’t like to make things unless they are for someone, I feel it is just wasteful to stamp some random name on something (especially with the price of silver right now!) and really, I have so many pieces for myself that I just don’t need another one to throw in the rotation!  So that brings me here…to you.  I am giving away one of these angel wing pendants personalized with your baby’s(ies) name.  I will also add birthstones or crystals if you wish.  To enter, leave a comment here telling me what you would like on the wing if you were to win.  I will be randomly choosing a winner early next week (hopefully!)  And if you would like to take a look to see what else is in my shop here is the link: www.mamamiatina.etsy.com. 

Wishing you all peace and comfort today and always.  I will be loving on all of my children this weekend: Brady, Emma, Sophia, Ellie, and Gigi.  xoxox

two years

Two years ago today, my world was turned upside down. My heart was ripped from my chest as I sat in the hospital bed in disbelief. I remember shaking my head from side to side all day long as I tried to make sense of what had happened. All while tears streamed down my face and the two most beautiful babies were lying there in their isolette.

At that point in time I was too broken to realize the beauty these two amazing girls would bring to my life. Because of them, I am better. I am a better person, still far from perfect, but better indeed. I am forever grateful for being able to hold them in my arms and kissing their sweet, perfect faces.

I miss them today and everyday and I love them with all my heart.


Dear Sophia & Ellie,

Happy second birthday sweet girls! Thank you for bringing such beauty into my life. You two are a precious gift that I will forever be thankful for. I wish we had more time together. I wish you were both here to celebrate your birthdays and everyday. I wish I could see you growing. Always know that I love you both with all my heart and you are always in my thoughts. You have made be a better person; a better mother, and for that I will always be grateful.

I love you!!
xoxo,
Mommy