catching up

I wish I had more time to write, I need more time to write, but it just isn’t possible right now.  At this very moment I have about 100 other things I should be doing…oh well.  I have really been missing my girls.  I was reading a math problem to my students the other day and the name Sophia was in it.  It happens all the time and then it gets me thinking.  I think about Sophia & Ellie all the time, they are always there in my mind, just like my other children.  But then there are the moments when I think about the events that surround their deaths.  I know when Ellie was born, she was gone.  I am quite certain of this.  However, I think Sophia may have still been alive.  Nothing was done to try and resuscitate the girls and I am okay with that I guess.  I am at peace knowing that they were far too young to live.  But I often feel like if I just would have known that Sophia was alive, her heart was beating, I would have done something differently.  I would have talked to her, or kissed her right away or held her differently.  I hate not knowing and I can’t remember if they told me she was gone…I just don’t know.  I feel like that is what they said to me, but after holding her for several minutes, she moved, more like her limbs jerked, and I remember a NICU nurse telling me it was normal and it wasn’t her moving, just blah, blah, blah (I really don’t remember what her reasons were.)  It hurts to think that she may have been alive and I treated her as if she had already died. 

In my last post I talked about my page for the traveling journal.  I am still working on it, but had a minor issue that I still need to resolve.  I hope to get it finished today and in the mail very soon.  As soon as it is finished I will post a picture.  I also wrote about a giveaway.  I am currently having 2 giveaways on my fb page.  If you are already a fan, you will be automatically entered to win a Tiny Cup necklace.  There is a second giveaway I am doing for a gift certificate to my shop.  To enter all you have to do is leave a comment on my fb page.  I will be choosing a winner for each giveaway on Wednesday, so if you are interested in entering you still have time ( and I would love for one of you to win.) 

 

And Gigi…she is wonderful.  I am so happy she is here and can’t believe how quickly she is growing.  I just wish her big sisters were here too.

Now off to work on my to-do list…yuck!!

edd

Saturday, September 4th was one year since my EDD with Sophia & Ellie.  Passing this date really made me think of what my life should be like.  I should definitely have two 1 year old little girls running around our house right now.  I should be overwhelmed with all the things it takes to parent two little ones.  Our home should  be filled with their giggles and chattering.  My heart should be overflowing with joy.  Instead, our home is quieter, my heart is still broken, and our arms will never be as full as they should be, simple because they are not here.

On Saturday I received a very lovely package in the mail…the Still Life 365 traveling journal.  When I got the package I was filled with emotion.  I had something in my possession that other mothers who have too walked this path have held in their hands.  This package and it’s contents have traveled the world uniting us in our losses and in our healing.  I have to tell you the pieces of art in this journal are AMAZING!!!!!  I am in awe of the talent these women have.  I am not an artist like they are artists.  I don’t paint or draw…my skills in these areas are very inadequate!  I  must admit that I am a little intimidated to put my page in this beautiful book.  However, I have a plan and I hope it turns out like the image I have in my head…we will see!   Stay tuned for some pictures this weekend!