finally…a winner!

Sorry for the delay in choosing a winner, but after having to post EVERYDAY for almost a whole month, I think I deserved needed a little break! After all, these fingers of mine just aren't used to this much typing, actually this brain of mine isn't used to this much thinking!!

So onto the winners…yes that's right I picked two! Using random.org the first winner is commenter #12, Sad Kitty at The Nature of Balloons and winner number two is commenter #4, Angie at Still Life with Circles!!! Congratulations to you both. I can’t wait to work with each of you on these very special pieces.

I wish I could make all of you something for your precious babies, but that just isn’t feasible! However, if you would like to place an order through my shop, you can use code “25dog” for 15% off your order until January 5th. If you don’t see what you’re looking for send me a message and we can work it all out.

Thanks again for participating in the giveaways. I hope we can do it again next year! Wishing you all a peaceful New Year filled with your hearts’ desires and comfort for the absence that will always be felt in your souls.

Oh...and I'm serious about needing some advice on how to fix my little problem of not being able to follow new blogs. HELP!!!!

day 25!!!!!

ZERO!!!! This is it! The last day for giveaways!!! Thank you all so much for participating, whether it be by hosting a day or entering to win, your participation is what make this all happen. Thank you also for your kind words to me. I guess I really didn’t know the impact these little giveaways had until I read your sweet comments and so many of you said the same thing.

I would like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas. I wish for you a peaceful day and gentle thoughts of your babies that will be missing from your day’s celebrations. I know I have struggled over the last few days just thinking of how this holiday should be. I miss my girls, however I do take much comfort in thinking that Hutch’s grandma is looking after them.

Since I can’t mail you all a Christmas card, here it is on my blog. I don’t know if you can read it or not, but the front says, “Blessed. So much to be grateful for this holiday season.” When I was choosing my cards (I went with Tiny Prints this year and LOVED them!!) I liked the looks of this one, but I really didn’t pay attention to any of the wording on it because that can always be changed. Once I decided I liked the layout of the pictures I read the card and thought it was perfect. We are blessed and we do have so much to be grateful for. We still miss our girls, and that will never change, but nevertheless, we are grateful for the ones who are here with us. The inside has Sophia’s & Ellie’s Christmas Tree in the sand that Carly drew for us. It is beautiful! Just my way of including them.

Okay, so onto the giveaways. I really don’t even want to tell you about the first one because I really want to win! But I will, today we are going back to see Amelia’s mommy, Stephanie, at Carried Through Grief. Stephanie is such an amazing painter and she has TWO paintings she is giving away today to two lucky winner! Go check it out, you’ll love them!

I am hosting the other giveaway today. So many of us have a certain phrase, saying, object, whatever that we associate with our babies. I want to work with the winner to come up with a very special piece of jewelry that captures their baby’s spirit perfectly. You may have something you have seen in the past, or an idea in your head, or no idea at all! But we will be working together closely to make it just right. Here are some things that come to mind that I have done in the past:

To enter my giveaway leave a comment here telling me a little something about what you think you may like if you win. I will choose a winner in a couple days because I know you are going to be too busy to visit today!

Merry Christmas my friends!

Sophia and Ellie mommy is missing you today and loving you always. xoxo

day 24

ONE!!!!!!!   Today we are going to see Kennedy’s mommy, Alissa, at On KK’s Butterfly Wings.  Alissa has the following quote at the top of her blog, “I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."  I’m sure you know that this is from the book Love You Forever  by Robert Munsch.  I have this little thing I do…I buy books for Sophia & Ellie and this is one that I have for them.  I actually have a few copies of this, one is Emma’s, I have at least one in my classroom, but Sophia & Ellie have their own very special copy…just for them.  The message in this book is beautiful and really, I don’t think I have even read it out loud since losing the girls, it was hard enough for me to get through without crying before their deaths!  Anyway, thank you Alissa for these simple words, because that is one of many things we all have in common, we will love our special babies forever and always.  Go on over and see what special thing Alissa is giving away today.  Don’t forget to come back tomorrow for our final giveaways!!!!!  Good luck!

day 23

TWO!!! Oops, so sorry I didn’t get this up sooner, I fell asleep last night and completely forgot about this post.  I guess all those late nights are finally catching up to me.  Anyway, there is a great giveaway going on today.  All of them have been GREAT, but today’s is just a little different.  Today’s giveaway is being hosted by Hadley’s mama, Jessica, at Four Plus an Angel.  Jessica has really pulled many resources to make her special giveaway happen.  Go on over and check it out, I think you’ll love it!  Good luck and see you tomorrow!!

day 22

THREE!!  Today we are going to visit Aiden’s mommy, Angie, at Expectations Revised.  I am new to Angie’s blog, but one thing I LOVE about it is right under her heading she has the following line, “Remember. Honor. Celebrate. Love. December Maya, Mason, Lyra Mae, Lucia Paz”  These are the December babies who are having a birthday this month…LOVE it!  What a sweet and simple way for her to say she is thinking about others.  Go on over and take a peek at her giveaway.  She has some information posted about it in her sidebar.  Today we are also going to see Calvin, and Rainbow’s mommy, Crystal Theresa, at Blessed to be Broken.  This is another new blog for me, I love meeting all the new mamas out there!  Anyway, stop on over and meet Crystal Theresa (if you haven’t met before) and see what she is offering today.  In one of her recent posts, Crystal Theresa has a bit about referring to our babies as angels.  I think this sums up how I use the term quite well…see what you think about it too!  Good luck and see you again tomorrow!!

day 21

FOUR. MORE. DAYS. (insert screaming here!) Okay, I feel better now, onto the giveaways! Today we are going to see Gracie’s mama, Susan, at Our Lives Forever Changed. Susan has offered me lots of support and comfort since we “met.” She is a sincere woman and a dear friend. Go see her lovely giveaway, won’t you? We are also going to visit Devon’s mommy, Monica, at Honoring Our Angels. I am new to Monica’s story (and really need someone to help me fix it so I can follow new blogs…read here to see what I’m talking about!) but she beautifully honors her angel and many others on her blog. She spotlights other blogs (these giveaways were featured a couple weeks ago, thanks Monica!) and provides many helpful resources to bereaved families. Go on over and pay her a visit, maybe you’ll see something new. Good luck and see you back here tomorrow!!

a story, a winner, and day 20

Several days ago I received an etsy message from someone interested in ordering a necklace.  This is what she said, “Hi, your jewelry is beautiful! I just had twins in April…”  OUCH…twins, in April.  Really, I read that and it just stung a little.  I answered her question and congratulated her on her babies.  She then replied, “ Hi, I just saw that you have twin girls! How old are they?…”  Uhhh…how do I answer this?!?  I didn’t want her to feel badly for asking, I didn’t want her to think, “OMG!!!  How horrible!” and not come back!  So this is what I said, “My twins, Sophia & Ellie, were born in April 2009. However, they were very premature and both passed away. I have hesitated in answering your question because I know how my answer will make you feel. Please though, do not feel badly for asking, I love to talk about my daughters…”  I was content with this, I was honest and asked her not to feel badly.  What I wasn’t expecting was her response.  “Oh Tina, I'm so sorry about Ellie & Sophia. Their names are just beautiful. Believe it or not, I have answered people similarly when they ask about my *C*. *C* was stillborn at 32 weeks in November of 2007 due to an umbilical cord accident. It has been a very long road, as I know you know. Bringing home our twins this year has brought a lot of joy and healing to our whole family…”  This woman and I went on to share many thoughts and feelings on our experiences.  It is really unbelievable that we found each other and shared our stories.  She does not follow my blog (although I did tell her about it and the giveaways, so if you are reading I hope you don’t mind me sharing our story…I just think its worthy of sharing!)  so she did not find my shop through any baby loss link.  She just saw my shop along with many others and something drew her to me.  She could have made her purchases and never asked about my girls.  It really makes me think that just maybe Sophia, Ellie, and *C* are together somewhere and wanted their mamas to meet. 

 

Anyway, I just wanted to share that story…I think it is amazing and needed to write about it before I forgot!  So, onto the winner…

Using random.org, the lucky winner is number 8, Susan at Our Lives Forever Changed.  Congratulations Susan!  You mentioned wanting the ornament because you don’t wear jewelry, but there are other options.  Contact me and we will discuss it!!  Thank you all for entering and for your kind comments about my little shop.  You really are all so sweet!

Day 20…Two more giveaways today!  Let’s go see Nolan’s mama, Ashley, at A Ruby Family.  Ashley is such a sweetie and she has a smile that must light up the room…at least that is what I think from her pictures!!  Go on over and see what she’s been up to and what she is offering today!  We’re also going to visit Jonathan’s mommy again, Jessica, but this time it will be at Forever Remembered Photo Collages.  Jessica is kind enough to do two giveaways this year…isn’t that sweet?  Go check out her talents and what she is giving away today.  Good luck and see you tomorrow!!

day 19

It has been so wonderful to meet new people and read new stories through these giveaways, but I am having a little problem.  I have been trying to follow these new blogs, but I can’t…when I try to follow nothing happens.  I think I may be maxed out on the number of blogs I follow (that is just really sad on many levels!)  Can anyone give me some advice or a clue on how to fix or get around this?  I hate to meet you all and then not be able to find you again!  Thanks!

Now for today’s giveaways!!  Let’s go visit Rebekah Joy’s mommy, Karen, at Gott Joy!  Whenever I read Karen’s blog, I always get a sense of peace from her, even when she writes of her pain and sorrows.  She is a lovely lady and mother to all her children.  Go on over and see what she is giving away today and maybe you will leave with a little peace too!

Our next stop will be at Jaxon, Courtney, and Colin’s mama, Rachel, at Triplet Butterfly Wings.  Rachel is a wonderful woman who does so many great things!  I am honored to have her as a friend and fortunate to have her in my life.  Go check out her giveaway and see all the lovely things she does while you’re there!   Good luck and see you all tomorrow!

day 18

Oh goodness…1 week until Christmas!!!!  That means seven more giveaways after today…well that's not exactly true!  There are actually 12 more because many of the days have two in one day!  So for today we are going to visit Riley & Peyton’s mama, Jessica, at Too Beautiful for Earth.  Jessica is a very talented woman who makes beautiful memorial art pieces.  You can check out her shop here.  One of my favorite items is her angel plaques.  I love the way the wings wrap around the baby’s name…really, too beautiful! 

Our second giveaway for today is from me.  I really don’t know what to give away.  I hate making this decision!  I have recently had the honor of making a couple Christmas Ornaments for some very special babies this year.  (I would post pictures, but just don’t have the energy to download them right now!)  So I could make an ornament for the lucky winner, but I just don’t know if it will get to you before Christmas.  I could do a gift certificate to my shop, but that seems impersonal to me.  I could choose an item, but what if its not what the winner wants?!?  See my dilemma?  I think I will let you decide.  To enter, leave a comment telling me what you would like to win…an ornament, gift certificate, or tell me the item from my shop that you would like to have.  You can check it our here.  Hope you can find something you like!! 

Don’t forget to check back here tomorrow for 2 more giveaways!!!

:::

So we survived Disneyland.  We really had a wonderful time.  The weather was good, it wasn’t too crowded, Gigi was perfect!  Really, she didn’t cry the entire time we were there (and it was a looong time!)  I, however, did have tears in my eyes.  We were on It’s a Small World and Gigi was loving it.  She was moving her head from side to side looking at all the lively and bright things.  Brady and Emma were also soaking it all in and all of us were just really content.  I thought to myself how lucky I am to have such wonderful children and then it hit me…How different this picture could have been.  How we should have Sophia and Ellie there with us too.  I could picture the chaos our family would have been in.  To have two toddlers there on top of everyone else would have been fun, probably pretty comical, but still fun.  It hurts to know they will never get to be a part of these perfect moments.  They should be.  They should be here with us enjoying it all too.  It just isn’t right, but I have no way of fixing it.  I miss them, plain and simple, I just miss them. 

day 17

Two more giveaways today!!  First lets visit Dylan’s parents, Jus and Kat, at In Dylan’s Memory.  They have a very beautiful item they are so generously giving to someone…go take a look at it, you will love it!   Then lets go see Lucia’s mother, Angie, again at Still Life 365.  This is Angie’s second giveaway, the first was on her personal blog, today it is on her art blog for bereaved parents and family members.  If you  haven’t been there yet, go see all the amazing things our community does in memory of our little ones.  Good luck and see you tomorrow (and a huge YAY for me because today is the last day of work for two weeks!!!)

day 16

just.got.home…TIRED!  Today we are going to see Maddie’s mama, Angie, at Little Footprints.  Angie is great!  One thing I love about her is that she always comments to her commenters (not sure that is a real word, but I’m too tired to figure it out!)  Go see Jamie and what she is giving away today.  We are also visiting Vincent’s mommy, Jamie, at Week by Week.  I am new to Jamie’s blog, but it is great to read because she always posts a picture or two that make me smile.  Go peek at her giveaway too!  Good luck and check back here tomorrow!!

day 15

I am REALLY hoping this worked and this post I scheduled is up…if you are reading it I guess it did! We are actually out of town right now. We have played hooky and are taking the kids to Disneyland…I’m not sure if we’re sane or not, I guess I’ll let you know tomorrow!! Today we have TWO more giveaways! Go on over and see Bridgitte & Ashlyn's mama, Heather, at Two In Heaven One on Earth. Whenever I read Heather’s posts, I often feel like she has taken the words right from my very own head. I can really relate to her pain and loss, maybe it's just a twin thing, maybe its more, but I appreciate Heather and her words. Our second stop will be at Henry’s mama, Mindy, at Dear Henry August. I am new to Mindy’s blog and her story, but I will tell you when I have visited, I have left with tears in my eyes because her story is so beautifully written. Go check out both of these wonderful women and I will see you here tomorrow, that is if we survive Disneyland with a 13 year old, 6 year old, and 6 month old, and not to mention my crabby in large crowds husband! Oh well, I’m sure it will be great fun, after all it is the happiest place on earth right???? (Is that a guarantee?) Good luck!

day 14

Fourteen down, eleven more to go!  Today we are visiting Adelle’s mommy, Mary, at The Youngs.  Mary is a lovely lady who honors her precious daughter with the graceful things she writes.  Go on over and take a peek at what she is giving away today.  Good luck and we will see you tomorrow!

day 13

We are over half way done!!!  Yikes…that means I only have 12 more days to finish my shopping?!?  (insert huge sigh here!)  Oh well, onto the next giveaway…that will make me feel better!  Today we are going on over to see Lukas’ mom, Mary, at Nobody Knows It But Me How I’m Missing Lukas.  I enjoy reading Mary’s blog, she always has interesting things to write about.  But one of the things I appreciate about her is that she always seems to learn form her experiences.  That is sometimes hard to do when you have experienced something so painful as the loss of a child, we all know that.  Go on over and take a peek at what she is offering today and while you are there, maybe you’ll learn something too!  See you tomorrow!  Good luck!

day 12

So sorry I’m late…I tried to sleep in a bit this morning!  Today we are visiting Carleigh’s mama, Holly, at Caring for Carleigh.  Holly is amazing and honors her babes in such beautiful ways.  Go on over and check her giveaway out!  Also, Amanda didn’t get her post up until later yesterday due to some technical issues.  So, go visit her quickly, she is leaving her giveaway open for a little longer today.  Have fun and good luck!  See you tomorrow!

day 11

Here we meet again!  Today we have TWO more giveaways…I get so excited when we have two in one day!  Its just like icing on top of the cupcake I guess!  Go on over and see Hannah’s mommy, Katy, at In Hannah’s Honor.  Katy is a lovely lady who gives so much to other mothers like herself.  She is also very crafty, you can see some of her wonderful creations here.  Our next stop is Adison & Lillian’s mama, Amanda, at What’s Cooking…Or Not!  Amanda is a very funny lady.  Every time I read her blog, I always laugh out loud at something she has written!  Go on over and check out both of these giveaways and you know what to do tomorrow!  Good luck!

day 10

Awww, day 10, almost half way there! But I don’t think I want them to end!!! Today we are going to head on over to Chase’s mommy, Christy, at A Piece of the Pearsons. Christy is a wonderful lady who I am lucky enough to consider a friend. I love reading her post because she always writes so honestly…the good, the bad, or the ugly, she is always honest. Go take a look at what she id giving away today! Don't’ forget, check back here tomorrow and good luck!

day 9

I can’t believe all of the AWESOME things that have been given away so far!  Seriously, your giveaways have been wonderful!!  Today, on the ninth day, we visit Lucia’s mama, Angie, at Still Life with Circles.  Angie is so talented.  She is a WONDERFUL painter.  I have seen her artwork first hand in the traveling journal she put in motion.  I secretly wanted to steal borrow the beautiful painting she included in the journal, but decided to keep it in its rightful spot.  Angie is also a fabulous writer and was just featured in a book about baby loss.  Go on over and check out her blog to read more about it.  Thanks Angie for all you do!  Good luck everyone, see you tomorrow, same time (approximately), same place! 

day 8

Today we will be visiting Amelia’s mama, Stephanie, at Carried Through Grief.  Stephanie is an amazing woman and artist.  She is very talented and you can see her beautiful paintings here.  I hope you are enjoying the giveaways.  I think they have all been so wonderful!  Thank  you for participating and don’t forget…check back here tomorrow!  Good luck!

day 7

Two special ladies are doing two special giveaways today!  Emma & Chase’s mommy, Jill, at Footprints on Our Heart is hosting one.  Jill is a very special person who does so much for others.  You can take a look at one of her projects here.  Today’s other giveaway is being done by Alexandra’s mommy, Maggie, at Butterflies for Alexandra.  Maggie is such a sweet woman who offers so much support to those around her.  Thanks ladies for hosting today’s giveaways!  Now go on over and see what they have to offer and don’t forget to check back here tomorrow for day 8!!

day 6

So are we having fun yet???  I know I am!!  For day six, head on over to What the Future Holds.  Jessica is Jonathan’s mommy and is a lovely lady with a huge heart!  Jessica also makes beautiful collages of our babies and will be hosting another giveaway on that blog a little later.  So go ahead and check out what she has to offer today.  Good luck and check back here tomorrow for another great giveaway or two!!

day 5

Today we visit Jenna’s mommy , Franchesca, at Small Bird Studios.  I can’t wait to see what Fran is offering today!  She has sooo many different talents and I know whatever she does will be fabulous, whether is be a  pretty flourish, some blog design, a hope collage, (I could keep going here, but you get the picture of how wonderful she is right???)  Go check it out and also take a look in her flourish shop…you will LOVE it!!!  Good luck!

Christmas cards from shutterfly

Yesterday we had our family pictures taken for our Christmas cards. I know…its a little bit late, but our original plan didn’t work out because of weather conditions here in sunny California! Taking pictures always tugs at my heartstrings because Sophia & Ellie aren’t here to be in them. This year, though we had sweet Gigi, and focusing on her made it a little easier. Just trying to get her to look in the right direction took all our energy. But even though my mind was distracted, I still missed my girls. I thought of what it would be like seeing the two of them toddle around, trying to keep them away from all the unsafe things. Where would they have been positioned in the pictures this year? Would Hutch & I each need to hold one of them? That thought brings tears to my eyes because I so badly wish we could hold them. I wish they were here to be in our pictures.

Last year I included them in our cards. I used Shutterfly to design our cards and I was so pleased with them. You can view them by clicking here. I plan on including the girls again this year and thanks to Carly have the perfect way to do that. I can’t wait to get our images and out it all together. You can check out all of Shutterfly's Christmas Cards here. I have already picked some of my favorites. Here they are:

I love the fun colors in these cards. The girls and I word pink so the first two will be a great match to us. The second two are so clean and classic. I love the flourish designs on them! Now I just have to decide!!

I recently used Shutterfly to make a photobook of Gigi's first few months. It is so stinkin' cute! You should also see all of their very unique gift selection. They have things like photo jewelry, ornaments, sticker...lots of fun stuff!! I also think I am going to have some Thank You cards made with the kids' picture to send out after Christmas. Too cute!!!

If you are a blogger you can get 50 Free Christmas Cards, click here for more information. If you don’t blog Shutterfly always has great discounts, right now they are offering 20% off!

day 4

Wow…the fourth day already?!?  I think everything is going smoothly now.  I had some major issues and confusion, but I think I have figured it all out…wheh!

We have TWO more giveaways today…yep TWO again!  Go take a look at Holly’s blog, Lost For Words.  Holly is Freja’s mommy and is another talented photographer.  Go see what she is giving away today!

Our second stop is at Bree’s blog at My Baby Butterfly Ella.  Bree is Ella’s mommy and is a dear friend to me.  She offers so much support and comfort to so many of us moms.  Go check her and her giveaway out too!

Good luck and see you tomorrow!!

day 3

I am soooo sorry about yesterday's giveaway.  I tried to post a new giveaway from my phone, but it obviously wasn’t working.  When I got home, our internet was down and couldn’t do it then either.  So anyway…so sorry it didn’t work out, but now on to day 3!!

Today’s giveaway is being hosted by Lareina at Surviving Without My Little Man.  Lareina is mommy to sweet little Kaelen.  She is a wonderful photographer who can do some pretty amazing things with that lens of hers.  Go on over and take a peek at what she is offering today.  Good luck and see you back here tomorrow!!!

a winner and day two

And the winner is……Bethany at See You on the Moon.  Congratulations Bethany!!!!  I’m soooo jealous!!!  Please send me your contact info so I can forward it to Angela. 

For the second day of giveaways we are going to visit Nicholas’ mommy, Lea, at Nicholas’ Touch.  Lea is such a kind and gentle woman who makes the most lovely angel wings in memory of our babies.  Hop on over and take a look at what she is giving away today.  While you are visiting, leave Lea a little extra love, I think her heart needs it right now.

Check back tomorrow to see where to go next!  Good luck!!

25 days of giveaways!!! Day 1

First of all I would like to thank you for visiting and participating in the giveaways this year.  Last year, when I had this crazy idea, I never thought it would turn into something like this.  It was much bigger than I ever thought and it brought a little bit of happiness into some very dark days for so many of us.  It also connected me to many new moms who were on my same path.  This year I am in a much better place.  Oh I still miss my Sophia & Ellie with all my heart, but things are different; easier somehow.  I know those of you who are new to this journey may not believe that things will ever be easier or that you will ever feel better, but you will.  I still have my moments where the pain is so intense, but I am still better.  Better emotionally, but just better in general for having these sweet, beautiful babies in my life.  I really do feel so lucky to be their mommy.

Okay, okay enough with my babbling!  I know what you all came for…

The FIRST day of giveaways!  Today there will be two places to visit and enter to win something special.  Go on over and visit Florence’s mommy, Jeanette, at Lazy Seamstress and look at all the lovely things she makes!  Wow, I wish I could be her for just one day…she is sooo incredibly talented. 

Your second stop is right here…my blog.  I’m not giving away anything from my shop today…you will have to check back later for that.  I have something very exciting…I don’t even really want to tell you what it is!  Maybe I’ll just keep it for myself!  Okay, well I can’t do that because its really not mine to keep. 

I ran across a wonderful site one day, Simply Silhouettes.  I was looking around at all their wonderful items and saw a link to My First Silhouette, ultrasound art.  These wonderful people turn ultrasound pictures into beautiful works of art.  Need I say anymore?  How amazing is this?!?!?  A way to capture a true picture of my girls.  Don’t get me wrong, I ADORE their sketch, but to have a real picture would be amazing!!! 

Okay..back to the giveaway!  I’m really not one who likes to ask people for things, but I thought, “What do I have to lose?” I contacted the company and they so generously agreed to donate an 8x10 gallery wrapped canvas for this giveaway!  (Thank you Angela!!!)  Isn’t that amazing?  (okay I have used amazing way too many times in this post!)  Here are some examples of what they do:

See…I told you they are AMAZING!!!  Go on over and check out their lovely sites.  But, before you do, leave a comment here and tell me how wonderful this artwork is…I will randomly choose a winner soon, so hurry and see if you can think of another adjective besides mine to describe these pieces!

Don’t forget to check back here tomorrow to see where to go for the next giveaway!!

25 Days of Giveaways!

I have the schedule done and sent out to everyone, but I am missing some e-mail addresses!!! If you plan on hosting a day and haven't heard from me, please e-mail me asap! I know I am missing these lovely ladies:

Mrs. A from What's Cooking...or Not
Lost for words
Jessica from 4 Plus an Angel
Mary from The Youngs
Heather from Two in Heaven One on Earth
Mindy from Dear Henry August
Crystal Teresa from Blessed To Be Broken

Check back on the first to see who is hosting the first giveaways...yes there are TWO!!!!

i wonder...

if babies born at 21 weeks will ever have a chance to survive.

I hope so, I wish they would have 19 months ago.

Today is prematurity awareness day and it has my mind spinning. Just thinking all the what ifs again. I know it doesn't do any good and I know I will never have the answers, but I still think them. I still want to know if there was something that could have prevented my preterm labor. I wish there would have been...

I wore purple today and asked a couple friends at work to do so too for me and my girls...they did. I was also touched that a couple more friends who I didn't mention it to, but read my fb status wore purple too. There was just a handful of us, but they did it for me, for Sophia & Ellie, and that just makes me...happy, I guess.

So the 25 Days of Giveaways is happening and I will get the schedule set up and e-mailed to those of you who are hosting a day as soon as I can, hopefully before Thanksgiving. The first giveaway will be December 1st, so mark your calenders!!

25 Days of Giveaways!

In case you haven't heard, the 25 Days of Giveaways is definitely happening!!! Please help to spread the word and grab the button for your blog! (Thanks Angie for the artwork and thanks Fran for helping make the button!!) If you are interested in hosting a day, please let me know. I am sooo excited about one of the giveaways I am doing...you will have to stay tuned to see it, but I really don't know how long I can keep it a secret!!!!!!!!! Thanks to all of you for making this possible for the second year. xx

heavy heart

I have a heavy heart…I suppose I always will, but sometimes it just hurts more than others and I don’t know why.  I think it is just grief’s nasty way.  I should be excited, I should be happy, I should be anxious…tomorrow I am meeting some other blm’s and I really am excited, but I still hurt too.  Maybe it is the closeness of us all (if that makes any sense) that has my mind wrapped around my girls and unable to let go.  I just miss them, I just want them here, I just want them out of the ground, I just need them in arms, safe and sound.  I need to wake up and this all be a horrible nightmare, but it’s not going away…ever.

So, tomorrow…I am going down south to meet Rachel, Bree,  maybe Tiffany, and a couple other’s that I don’t think I know yet.  I am so excited to be meeting these wonderful ladies face to face.  

25 Days of Giveaways is definitely on!!!!  If you commented about hosting a day I have you penciled in (that’s a lie, I haven’t planned any of it yet, but I will) for your day to host a giveaway.  I will be contacting all of you soon and I will kickoff the first giveaway December 1st.  So glad you all are looking forward to this again, as I am too.  Please help to spread the word so we can brighten everyone’s days this season.

Love you girls!! xx, Mommy

25 days of giveaways???

When I think back to this time last year I can see just how far I have come.  Last year I was dreading the holidays.  I needed something in my life to bring a little bit of joy every day.  I needed something to occupy my thoughts and my time.  That is why I did the 25 Days of Giveaways.  I am in such a better place now, but I know another holiday season without Sophia & Ellie is still going to hurt.  I know for so many other people this will be the first holiday season without their babies and if I, I mean we, can help to spread some joy to others, then I would love to take this on again.  Please give me your thoughts and feedback.  I have so little extra time right now, so I am going to have to be extra organized and if no one feels it is really necessary, then I just won’t do it and that will be okay with me too.  However, if you are interested, if you feel it helped to brighten your days last year, or if you would like to host a day, please let me know so I can star making arrangements!

Speaking of the holiday season (yes i know we haven’t even hit Halloween yet!) I received our first ornaments of 2010 today.  A nice little surprise from my parents.

All my children

My sweet Sophia & Ellie

 

Thanks mom and dad for always remembering!

October 15th and random things

Where to begin…

First of all, I did get my page done in Angie’s Travelling Journal, but just didn’t get around to posting a picture until now.

This was so hard for me because all the other women had included a beautiful painting, or creative scrapbook page…I don’t paint and scrapbooking takes too much time. But I do know how to stamp jewelry, so that is what I decided to stick with even though it may be unconventional. The words on the larger silver disc and the negative feelings that come to mind when I think of the events surrounding my girls’ deaths. On the gold inner disc are the positive things I feel when I think of my beautiful babies. The capital letters on the outer disc spell SOPHIA and ELLIE. So this is my creation for the journal…no one will ever wear it but it is my expression of feelings through art.

::::::

When I was pregnant with Gigi, I worried about her living in Sophia’s & Ellie’s shadow. I thought I may have negative feelings about her being here and them not. I thought it may be hard to love her without thinking of them. Since having Gigi, I have not experienced any of these things. Yes, as I was giving birth I cried because I was thinking of giving birth to Sophia & Ellie and how sad that was, but I also cried because I was welcoming our new one into the word. Yes, after bringing her home I looked at their pictures and tried to compare her to them to see if they look alike. Yes, when Gigi was having a hard time nursing I wondered how in the world I could have handled TWO babies. But my love for them and my love for her are two distinct things. I love all three of them, just like I love the two that came before them.

::::::

Yesterday…the 15th. It in a way angers me that the whole month of October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, yet no one seems to know. Even people in real life who have lost babies don’t know about it, even the cemetery that has a whole section dedicated to babies doesn't’ seem to know. We share this month with Breast Cancer Awareness, but I think we definitely get overshadowed. And really…who on this planet isn’t aware of breast cancer? I wish more was done to raise awareness of pregnancy and infant loss and I guess it is up to us to do that. And…I think we (all of us) have done a great job doing this. Every time I check fb, someone has posted something about the topic and I think it is a great way to get the word out there to all who do not know about the pain this type of loss causes so many people every day.

::::::

Last night we went to the cemetery. Along with my wonderful helpers, I put a candle on most (I sadly ran out) of the headstones. We lit the candles and let them burn for an hour, I wanted to let them burn all night, but was afraid of catching the cemetery on fire…not a good thing! So as I fed Gigi in the car, my helpers sadly went through and blew out all the candles, all but Sophia’s and Ellie’s. As we lit the candles I thought of all your babies. I don’t know any of the babies in this cemetery but mine, and I was lighting those candles for them too, but I was thinking of all of you and your babies and thankful that I have found each and everyone of you because you have all touched me in some way.

::::::

The amazing Debby at For Your Tears is doing a giveaway in honor of October 15th. She is offering a gift certificate to my etsy shop. Go on over and leave her a comment to enter to win. There is also a special discount code you can get there if you want to place an order this weekend. But hurry because I don’t know when she is choosing a winner!!

::::::

Missing you always sweet ones. xoxo, Mommy

catching up

I wish I had more time to write, I need more time to write, but it just isn’t possible right now.  At this very moment I have about 100 other things I should be doing…oh well.  I have really been missing my girls.  I was reading a math problem to my students the other day and the name Sophia was in it.  It happens all the time and then it gets me thinking.  I think about Sophia & Ellie all the time, they are always there in my mind, just like my other children.  But then there are the moments when I think about the events that surround their deaths.  I know when Ellie was born, she was gone.  I am quite certain of this.  However, I think Sophia may have still been alive.  Nothing was done to try and resuscitate the girls and I am okay with that I guess.  I am at peace knowing that they were far too young to live.  But I often feel like if I just would have known that Sophia was alive, her heart was beating, I would have done something differently.  I would have talked to her, or kissed her right away or held her differently.  I hate not knowing and I can’t remember if they told me she was gone…I just don’t know.  I feel like that is what they said to me, but after holding her for several minutes, she moved, more like her limbs jerked, and I remember a NICU nurse telling me it was normal and it wasn’t her moving, just blah, blah, blah (I really don’t remember what her reasons were.)  It hurts to think that she may have been alive and I treated her as if she had already died. 

In my last post I talked about my page for the traveling journal.  I am still working on it, but had a minor issue that I still need to resolve.  I hope to get it finished today and in the mail very soon.  As soon as it is finished I will post a picture.  I also wrote about a giveaway.  I am currently having 2 giveaways on my fb page.  If you are already a fan, you will be automatically entered to win a Tiny Cup necklace.  There is a second giveaway I am doing for a gift certificate to my shop.  To enter all you have to do is leave a comment on my fb page.  I will be choosing a winner for each giveaway on Wednesday, so if you are interested in entering you still have time ( and I would love for one of you to win.) 

 

And Gigi…she is wonderful.  I am so happy she is here and can’t believe how quickly she is growing.  I just wish her big sisters were here too.

Now off to work on my to-do list…yuck!!

edd

Saturday, September 4th was one year since my EDD with Sophia & Ellie.  Passing this date really made me think of what my life should be like.  I should definitely have two 1 year old little girls running around our house right now.  I should be overwhelmed with all the things it takes to parent two little ones.  Our home should  be filled with their giggles and chattering.  My heart should be overflowing with joy.  Instead, our home is quieter, my heart is still broken, and our arms will never be as full as they should be, simple because they are not here.

On Saturday I received a very lovely package in the mail…the Still Life 365 traveling journal.  When I got the package I was filled with emotion.  I had something in my possession that other mothers who have too walked this path have held in their hands.  This package and it’s contents have traveled the world uniting us in our losses and in our healing.  I have to tell you the pieces of art in this journal are AMAZING!!!!!  I am in awe of the talent these women have.  I am not an artist like they are artists.  I don’t paint or draw…my skills in these areas are very inadequate!  I  must admit that I am a little intimidated to put my page in this beautiful book.  However, I have a plan and I hope it turns out like the image I have in my head…we will see!   Stay tuned for some pictures this weekend!

wishing

Today was a terrible day. Every morning is crazy around here...trying to get all of us out of the house and to school on time is no easy task! We barely made it today, and then as I was walking to my classroom I see it...a double stroller. Inside the double stroller were two sweet baby girls, with adorable bows in their hair, and just as cute as can be. It hurt, I know I've said it before, but it just hurts. Why can't that be my life? Why? I don't understand. The vision of those little lovelies has been in my head all day and the tears have been in my eyes.

Wishing you were here with us Sophia & Ellie. xo

a quote

Read this on a fb friend's status today:

"When we are crushed like grapes, we cannot think of the wine we will become. The sorrow overwhelms us, makes us throw ourselves on the ground, face down, and sweat drops of blood. Then we need to be reminded that our cup of sorrow is also our cup of joy and that one day we will be able to taste the joy as fully as we now taste the sorrow.” ~H. Nouwen~"

Not sure what it is reference to, but it makes me think of our losses. This fb friend also had a daughter who was born still many, many years ago. She has been and still is a huge comfort to me. Hmmm, I wonder...

So much to say, so little time to write it. Thinking of you all and reading when I can. Went back to work last week; first day of school today; HATE being away from Gigi; hoping it is all temporary. Wednesday will be 16 months since Sophia & Ellie were in my arms; still missing and loving them; so sad they are not here; so happy they were here. Still want to share Gigi's birth story; can't believe she is almost 3 months old; I want time to just STOP! That's all I have time for now; hope to get back here soon...feeling a giveaway may come soon!

remembering

Always loving and remembering you girls.

xoxo,

Mommy

the 25th and some advertising

Last Sunday was the 25th…another month gone by, another month without Sophia and Ellie.  One may think it would get easier with each passing month, but it really doesn’t.  It still hurts and my heart is always so heavy, just knowing that life keeps moving on without my girls.  However, I do have so much to be thankful for and I think those things help to bring me out of the sadness.

Last month I didn’t make it to the cemetery on the 25th.  I had so much guilt for not being able to go.  I know it is okay, we went a couple days later, but this is one of the few things I can do for my girls and to miss it, to not go out there and put some fresh flowers in their vase, just made me feel so sad. 

There is a new blog in town…Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope.  If you haven’t been there, I highly recommend you check it out.  Kristin is the mastermind behind this brilliant idea.  It is a way for people in our community to come together, share our stories, and support one another.  Its also a way to bring awareness to the issue of pregnancy and infant loss.  Right now there is a GIVEAWAY taking place on the faces blog.  You can grab the button and make a few suggestions to enter…and you just might win a gift certificate to my etsy shop!!

Speaking of etsy shops; I sent out Gigi’s birth announcements a couple weeks ago.  Ashlee at Grady Bug Designs designed the announcement for me.  We used Gigi’s 2 week pictures, I gave her a few of my thoughts, and this is what she came up with:

 

 

They are BEAUTIFUL!!  I couldn't be happier with how they turned out.  Ashlee sent me the file and my photographer sent them to the lab to be printed. Another great thing about them is the envelope!  Now I must confess, I do get pretty excited about a great envelope (yes I know that is kind of weird!)  To me its like wrapping paper for a card!  These came with a see through velum envelope, so when people received them, they could see Gigi’s sweet face right away. 

I really wanted a way to include Sophia and Ellie on the announcement.  If you click of the back (the color side) of the card you may be able to see it.  After all of Gigi’s information it says:

“Welcomed with love by Hutch, Tina, Brady, and Emma

Watched form above by Sophia and Ellie”

If you are a photographer, I highly recommend checking out Ashlee’s shop.  She was wonderful to work with and has many unique designs and templates.  If you aren’t a photographer, I bet she would be willing to do a custom design for you with your pictures for something special. 

Okay, enough advertising from me today.  Wishing you all a peaceful weekend!

nicu

I don't know if you have seen it yet, but there is a new program on Discovery Health called NICU.  If you had a baby in the NICU, or if you had a very premature baby, you may want to avoid this program at all costs.  I started to watch it, then thought better of it because it was such a harsh reminder of how tiny my perfect babies were.

fear

Since we brought Gigi home I’ve been scared. Scared that something is going to happen to her. I’m not usually a paranoid person, but now I can feel it creeping in at times. I have thoughts several times throughout the day of something happening to her. Just random things, accidents, like her head being bumped on the pointy corner of the cabinet in our foyer. Or me tripping and dropping her. These aren’t visions or thoughts of me wanting to hurt her, I want to make that very clear. These are just random thoughts as I am going throughout my day of something bad happening. I am not lacking confidence of mothering an infant (a teenager on the other hand is something I would need to write a whole other post on!) I’m just afraid of her getting hurt, or even worse, of losing another baby. I am going to assume this may be normal for people like us whose lives have taken such unexpected turns with our children in the past. At least that is what I am telling myself…

And here she is at 2 weeks:

Photo album created with Smilebox

neighbors

I was driving home yesterday and as I turned onto our street I noticed  a lot of cars at our neighbors’ house.  As I got closer, I saw some balloons tied to the pillars out front.  Then I saw it, the “Happy 1st Birthday” sign on the front door.  Our next door neighbors’ were having a first birthday party for their twins.  And it hit me…that should be us right now.  WE should be having that party.  I lost it for a moment because it all still hurts so badly to know they are not here with us, they will never have a real birthday party, I wont get to see them take their first steps, go to their first day of school, all those milestones you enjoy as parents. 

I still miss my girls so much.  I will admit that I am so busy these days that I don’t have a lot of time to let my mind go to the “what ifs” and “should have beens” and I guess that is a good thing.  But sometimes the empty feeling still creeps in just from knowing they are gone.

I have so much to write, but no time to do it.  I will try to get my thoughts down soon because I need to get them out of my head.  I am checking your blogs when I can.  I don’t always leave a comment, especially when I am reading from my phone, but I am still here and still thinking of all of you and your sweet babies.

Introducing….

Gigi Elia

Born June 2, 2010

At 3:56 p.m.

7 pounds 13 ounces  21 1/4 inches

Last Wednesday we welcomed our little Gigi into the world.  She is doing well and is a very sweet baby.  I am completely in love with her.  However, as much as my heart is filled with joy, parts of it are still so empty.  Having Gigi has made me realize all the things I will never do with Sophia & Ellie; all the things they will never be a part of, all the things I will miss with them, with two babies.  I have had a few moments where I thought, “Oh my gosh!  This is so hard with just Gigi, how would I have handled it with Sophia & Ellie?”  But I know I would have, it would have been challenging, but we would have managed and loved every second of it (well, almost!)  But for now I am just loving life, the good with the bad not so good, because it has brought us to where we are today…and that is a pretty good place.  I was feeding Gigi a couple days ago and looking at the girls’ sketch, trying to decide if she resembles them.  I was overcome with such a warm feeling and at that moment I knew my girls are so happy and proud to be a big sister to little Gigi.  I think they especially like that her middle name is a combination of their names.   I wish they were here with us welcoming home our new little on, but I guess they are doing that from above.

I will write more details and post more pics later, I just wanted you all to know she is here!!

13 months

Today is 13 months.  I wonder if the 25th of every month will ever have a different meaning for me.  If I will ever wake up on this day of the month and not think about how long Sophia & Ellie have been gone.  I think I know the answer to this and really I am okay because it has become somewhat of a ritual for me and another day for me to always remember my daughters.

Having passed the 1 year mark, I do feel better.  I feel as if a weight has been lifted from me.  I am still sad, it still hurts, I still cry.  I don’t think those things will ever stop happening, but maybe acceptance has started to settle in.  Then there are those moments when I start thinking of what should have been.  Or when I see a baby (or twins) that would be around their same age.  It is really hard not to let those thoughts take over, but I guess that is part of the grief we live with.

Things have been very busy around here.  Emma’s 6th birthday was last Friday, her party was Saturday, lots of end of the school year activities going on, doctor’s appointments,  and now we are just waiting for Baby G to arrive.  Still are unsure of a name, but your input has really helped!  Two of my dear girlfriends threw a surprise baby shower for me…it was a HUGE SURPRISE!!  They knew I didn’t want a shower, but it was so nice.  Very small with just close family and friends and really perfect in every way…except someone could have told me to dress a little nicer!!  So that got the ball rolling for me to start getting things ready for the baby.  I’m not quite all the way there yet, but it will happen and for now we just wait.  Really hoping it happens soon though…keeping my fingers crossed, there is a full moon Thursday!!

artist of the week

I am being featured as "Artist of the Week" at Small Bird Studio. Go on over and take a peek and enter the GIVEAWAY for my etsy shop!! And while you're there, take a look at little Jenna's baby brother Joseph...soooo cute!!

and the winner is...

Commenter number 15...Rikki!!!!! Yay Rikki! E-mail me and we will work out the details for your necklace! Congratulations!

I have a lot to write (I think) but not very much time to do it right now. But I do want to let you know that I am extending the 15% off of any purchase in my shop until midnight (pst) on Wednesday, May 12th. So that gives you the rest of today to use this discount if you are interested!

mother's day giveaway

Don't forget...the giveaway ends tomorrow (Tuesday.) If you haven't entered yet, go to my last post to read about itand then leave a comment there to enter to win!! Good luck!

thanks & mother’s day giveaway

Thank you for all your help with the choices I have ahead of me. Please keep the advice coming, because I still am unsure of so many things!!

To clear a few things up on the names, Gigi is pronounced just like the letters GG. Elia is like the beginning of Ellie and the ending of Sophia. Gia is like the letter G followed by the short /u/sound. And Gracie I think is self explanatory. I have created a poll on the side bar, so you can be anonymously honest and vote on which one you like best if you would like to. Thanks for the input you have given me so far…it has really helped ease my mind with the possible names we have chose.

Ok…now for Mother’s Day. Last year Mother’s Day was extremely difficult. It had only been 2 weeks and one day since I had the girls. I think I was numb. I did the usual things we always do, but just felt empty inside. We did add one more thing to the day and that was a visit to the cemetery, I never thought I would be visiting a cemetery on Mother’s Day to be with my children. How quickly life can change. I really don’t know how I managed to even get out of bed and function on last year, but I did. This year is different. The pain isn’t as raw. It still hurts to know that all my children aren’t here to celebrate this special day with me, but I think I am accepting it…kind of. I feel caught in limbo. Caught between missing Sophia & Ellie and all the things we would be doing with them right now and between accepting this new baby into our lives. It is a weird position to be in and I don’t really know how to describe it. It is almost like my heart is in two different places, still grieving for the ones I am missing and yet so full of love for the one I am going to meet soon.

I hope you all have a peaceful Mother’s Day. I hope you are recognized for the wonderful mothers you are to all of your children, whether they are here on Earth or soaring in the sky. To let you know that I appreciate you as the mother you are and the friend you have been to be, I am doing a giveaway. Someone IRL asked me to make a necklace for her. She has experienced losses of her own and wanted something to honor those lives. This heart is stamped with a line from a poem written by e.e. cummings:

i carry your heart

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I think this poem beautifully describes what many of us who have lost children feel. Our babies are with us wherever we go. What we do, they do, what we feel, they feel…we carry them anywhere we go.

To enter to win this necklace, just leave me a comment. I will be randomly choosing a winner on Tuesday, May 11th. And just in case you didn’t get the perfect gift you were hoping for, you can order from my etsy shop and save 15% off any order now through Tuesday. Just enter code MDBLM in message to seller.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you.

To my sweet Sophia & Ellie,

You girls have made me the mother I am today. I love you for all you have brought to my life. Although you two are missing from it, if not for you, I would be missing so much more.

I love you!!

xo,

Mommy

help me please!! :)

Okay…here is what I need your help with.  I have many of the big items I need to bring baby girl home.  No, they are not out of the closet, not cleaned, not set up, but I do have them.  However, it has been nearly 6 years since I have brought a baby home and it amazes me how many things have changed, so I need some advice from those of you who are doing this now or have done it more recently than me.  Please feel free to give me your input on the items I am struggling with making a decision on and anything else you may think I need to know!!

First of all…I need a diaper bag.  I have no idea what I want.  I have looked at Pet.unia Pick.le Bott.om and like theirs, but just don’t know what else is out there.  I want something cute and fashionable, but not over the top…it is after all a diaper bag.

Next, a sling.  I was going to buy this baby sling from Ser.ena & Li.ly.  It was on sale even!  But the sale ended on April 25th, Sophia & Ellie’s birthday, and I forgot to order it.  So now I am thinking about what else is out there…what slings have you used, who makes a good one, who doesn’t?  I just don’t know!  And with the recent recall on slings, should I even be using one at all?

I also will be buying a new breast pump.  I am looking at Med.ela’s which is what I used in the past, but want to know if you have tried anything that you maybe think is better.  And if you have a recommendation, where did you purchase it?

I want a cover for the infant carrier I have.  My carrier is black and gray, not very cool for the warm summer months ahead, so I want something to cover it.  I know I could make a cover, but I really don’t feel like finding a pattern, getting the material, and figuring it all out right now.  So if you know of a good brand, please let me know!

I have been looking at inclined sleepers too.  Baby girl will be in a bassinette for the first few several months, actually she will probably end up in our bed, but I saw this sleeper and this one.  They are very different, and I don’t know which one would be better to use!  So please give me your thoughts!

And one last thing that we need some major help with…her name!  Hutch & I NEVER agree on names.  We have not had names for any of our children before they were born, not because we wanted to see what they looked like and then decide, just because we can never make a decision.  Actually, we did have a name picked out for Brady, but we thought he was a girl, so we had to re-pick!  Anyway, a few months ago I thought of a name…it is a little different, so I was apprehensive when I told Hutch about it.  I asked him to have an open mind and think about it before reacting and saying NO!  So I told him the name and he said he had been think of it too!  So weird, but we had watched slept through a movie a few weeks prior to this and it was one of the character’s names, so I think it had been planted in our brains.  Within in the next few days, I was at work.  I have a crate that my students put their library books in when they are ready to be returned.  I was teaching and happened to look in the basket and there sat a book titled with this same name.  A little while later, I heard a girl at our school being called by this name, and then I was telling my hairdresser (we really haven’t told anyone IRL) about the name, she thought it was cute and we should go with it.  After she put my color on, she was doing another client whose daughter is pregnant with a girl and they are going to call the baby this same name.  So, you see, I keep getting these little signs, but we are still unsure.  The name is unique, and to some it may sound more like a nickname or something you would name a pet, but I love it and keep coming back to it.  Hutch has came up with an alternative that I really like too, but we still aren’t sure.  He has also came up with a middle name that I love…see if you can figure out why!  So here they are…please leave me your honest opinion, it will not offend me.  I want to know what people think of it, so I know if I want to subject my child to it.  Now you are all probably thinking it is really bad, so anyway here they are…

Original Name with Hutch's idea for a middle name:  Gigi Elia

Alternative first name and middle name:  Gia Gracie

Please give me your thoughts on all these things…I need all the help I can get right now!  Baby girl will be here within the next 5 weeks and I really need to have things more ready than they are right now.  Thanks for your opinions!!