Saturday, September 24, 2011

hall pass

I realized something tonight, something that I have NEVER given a thought to in the past 2 years and 5 months. I really am surprised at myself, kind of embarrassed too...

Hutch and I watched "Hall Pass" tonight (a pretty funny movie if you haven't seen it.) At the end, one of the characters, Fred, is at the hospital and on his way up to see his wife. I wondered what he was thinking at that moment. Then it hit me...

When I went into labor with Sophia and Ellie, Hutch was not home, he had left earlier that morning for a golf tournament. My mom took me to the hospital and I called Hutch and told him something was wrong and he needed to meet us there. He drove from the golf course to the hospital (probably a 30 minute drive under normal circumstances) and came up the elevator by himself. I wonder what he was thinking, how he was feeling. I am sure he was scared to see what he was walking into, although he knew it wasn't good. He got there just in time for both of our beautiful daughters to be born.

I can't believe I have never thought about how he was feeling on his way to us, what he was thinking, how he was coping with the possibilities of who knows what at that point. I usually think about other people's feelings, I try really hard to, but this has never entered my mind. I suppose I could ask him, but the time needs to be right. I guess I have been so wrapped up in my own grief and my own memories of that day that I never thought about what he was feeling before he got there. Maybe the fact that I am realizing this now means I am making progress. Or maybe this silly little movie we watched just triggered this for me. It's funny, the things that make me think of my little ones. But then again, they are always right there, in all my thoughts.


  1. Your sweet daughters will always be right there with you, so it will be easy to find even the simplest of things will trigger memories of them. I think you are right about being so consumed with your own grief that it was probably impossible to think about anyone else's grief. I think sometimes as a wife, we have an impression that our husband's are strong and tough. It is sometimes easy to overlook how they might be feeling, or what they might be thinking. Men also don't tend to share what they are thinking or feeling the same way women do. This post was really eye opening for myself too. I need to be more aware of what my husband is thinking/feeling. I know you will find the right time to get the answers to your questions:)

  2. Thanks for sharing. I remember having to share devastating news with my husband and thinking that I sat there devastated while he sat somewhere else, innocent and carefree. How it was going to be me and a few simple words that would change his life forever. I never wanted to go home. Strange how life hands you these surreal realities! Even though it has been 3 years now for me. Those surreal moments seem like yesterday.