Sunday, September 19, 2010

catching up

I wish I had more time to write, I need more time to write, but it just isn’t possible right now.  At this very moment I have about 100 other things I should be doing…oh well.  I have really been missing my girls.  I was reading a math problem to my students the other day and the name Sophia was in it.  It happens all the time and then it gets me thinking.  I think about Sophia & Ellie all the time, they are always there in my mind, just like my other children.  But then there are the moments when I think about the events that surround their deaths.  I know when Ellie was born, she was gone.  I am quite certain of this.  However, I think Sophia may have still been alive.  Nothing was done to try and resuscitate the girls and I am okay with that I guess.  I am at peace knowing that they were far too young to live.  But I often feel like if I just would have known that Sophia was alive, her heart was beating, I would have done something differently.  I would have talked to her, or kissed her right away or held her differently.  I hate not knowing and I can’t remember if they told me she was gone…I just don’t know.  I feel like that is what they said to me, but after holding her for several minutes, she moved, more like her limbs jerked, and I remember a NICU nurse telling me it was normal and it wasn’t her moving, just blah, blah, blah (I really don’t remember what her reasons were.)  It hurts to think that she may have been alive and I treated her as if she had already died. 

In my last post I talked about my page for the traveling journal.  I am still working on it, but had a minor issue that I still need to resolve.  I hope to get it finished today and in the mail very soon.  As soon as it is finished I will post a picture.  I also wrote about a giveaway.  I am currently having 2 giveaways on my fb page.  If you are already a fan, you will be automatically entered to win a Tiny Cup necklace.  There is a second giveaway I am doing for a gift certificate to my shop.  To enter all you have to do is leave a comment on my fb page.  I will be choosing a winner for each giveaway on Wednesday, so if you are interested in entering you still have time ( and I would love for one of you to win.) 



And Gigi…she is wonderful.  I am so happy she is here and can’t believe how quickly she is growing.  I just wish her big sisters were here too.


Now off to work on my to-do list…yuck!!


  1. I am so sorry for the hidden pangs that creep up on us. I wish you had answers about Sophia, too.

  2. What you feel is totally normal...I think we all wanna truly understand what's happened to our babies in order to make sense of it all. I'm glad that you have found some peace with it all. Gigi is beautiful!

  3. I imagine it must be hard for you to always have that "what if" going on inside of you.
    ((HUGS)) Gigi is just a precious cutie pie!

  4. The what ifs are torture. But, we know we did our best for our little ones and they know too.

    Gigi is so cute. Oh my goodness she is a ball of cuteness.

  5. Just sending you love sweet Tina!!!

  6. Gigi is ADORABLE! I know she has helped your heart, although Sophia & Ellie will never be far away in thought. I certainly understand the triggers that make us think of our babies. Sometimes it makes no sense what the trigger is, but it happens anyway.
    I agree - the what-ifs are unsettling. But I would like to think that if Sophia were alive, she would have felt your love through your touch as you held her. I will be thinking of you - (((HUGS)))

  7. I'm certain Sophia and Ellie felt your love, and if Sophia were alive in those moments after birth, she will have known you were holding her.
    I too have those what if moments.

    Gigi is beautiful. x

  8. It is hard not to have all these thoughts. You are such a wonderful mom to Sophia and Ellie!

  9. Those thoughts are very hard to shake. All the things we wish we would have done differently...we just have to know in our hearts that we did what was right in the moment. It's just so hard some days and I'm sorry. BIG HUGS

    Gigi is a beautiful little girl :)

    Sending you extra love and prayers for a good week.


  10. They feel your love... They do. And they are always with your little Gigi. She's beautiful- just like her sisters.

  11. I had the same experience with Gavin and Parker. They would both kind of jerk, and you could see their chests moving up and down, but the nurses kept giving different excuses. If I could go back, I know I would do things differently.

    Gigi is so beautiful!

  12. I nominated you for The Lovely Blog Award, you can read about it on my blog and pay it forward. Your words have comforted me many times and I wear your jewelry every day as it is so precious to me.

  13. ((hugs)) I have no words. THinking of you.