It happened...

Hutch's grandmother passed away this morning. I never had the chance to tell her my feelings; to let her know to take care of Sophia & Ellie until I can be with them myself. But...I am at peace with this. I talked to my IRL friend "L" about it and she assured me that grandma already knows. Grandma has told Hutch before that she has a connection to our girls, so I am confident that they are all together exchanging big hugs and kisses right now. How sweet it must be!

I told Emma that grandma died this morning. She is five so really doesn't have a whole lot to say about it. She didn't cry, but I asked her if it made her sad and she said ys. So I said, "But guess who she gets to be with now??" And Emma guessed right, "My sisters!!" So we talked about how lucky they are to be able to be together and that I am kind of jealous, but we will have our time one day, a long, long time from now. We discussed that grandma had a very long and happy life and that it is okay that she had to leave us. She quickly noted that Sophia's & Ellie's lives were not long like grandma's. That they died much too soon.

Sadly, this conversation was not difficult to have with her. She already know about death and that anyone can die, even babies who aren't born yet. She knows the process, death, sadness, funeral, sadness, more sadness, and so on. She "gets it" all too well.

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On another note, twin sightings...they are happening again. They seemed to stop for quite some time, but within the last week I have seen 3, maybe 4 (am not for sure if the 4th were twins, could have possibly even been triplets,) sets of twins...all girls. I am trying to see this as a sign from my girls, that they are sending little hellos my way when I see these twins, but it is hard. It is so hard for me not to sit there and just wonder, "Why...why can't that be me??" It is just so unfair.

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I had a thought the other day; it isn't very nice, but I am going to write it here anyway. I thought, when this baby I am now carrying is, lets say a teenager, and she is behaving badly (lets face it, they all do at some point!) will I think, "If the twins were here, I wouldn't be dealing with this?" I know...not very nice! When she is causing trouble will I wonder or be angry at her for Sophia & Ellie not being here? I truly hope not, I hope these thoughts won't enter my mind. I know I will love her, but there will also be times when I am upset with her. I would have had both feelings with the twins too. I think the fact that I am aware of this thought will help me to not feel this way...does that make any sense???

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We are coming up on on ten months very soon, the one year mark is approaching even quicker. I am trying to get my thoughts together on what I would like to do, but I just can't seem to find what feels right. I would like to do a butterfly release along with some other things. If anyone knows of a good source for butterflies please let me know! Thanks for "listening!"

23 weeks

Today I am 23 weeks into this pregnancy. I know people talk about viability at this gestational age. I looked online and found that the survival rate for babies born this early is 17%. I was 21 weeks and 1 day into my pregnancy with Sophia & Ellie & and I often wonder why my body couldn't hold on for just 13 more days. I also read online that the earliest baby ever to survive was 21 weeks and 6 days and this baby is said to have been a "miracle." Well I do think of my girls as miracles and would have loved for them to have had a fighting chance at survival. I constantly think about if I just would have stayed off my feet...if I would have laid down...if I wouldn't have gone shopping. If I had done these things differently would they have held on until their chances were 17%? Would they have beat the odds and survived months in the NICU and all the challenges and obstacles that go along with a baby being born too soon? Would they be here in my arms today ? I wish I had these answers, but then again, maybe I don't because if I had had the power to make things different, but didn't know it, I think it would eat away at me.

I know having a micro-preemie is very stressful and comes with its own set of grief and sadness...I am not trying to say it doesn't. I know from reading Catherine's blog and others out there that it is a very, very long and difficult road to travel. I was talking to a mom of a 23 weeker the other day. Emma and this boy, "M" who is now 4, went to preschool together. We talked about how hard it was for M and how hard it was for her to have him in the NICU. M is now a completely normal 4 year old who you would NEVER know was against such odds. I am so very happy he is here with his family, but it breaks my heart to know that my girls were almost there...they could have been part of that very, very special 17%.

And just so you know I am not all doom & gloom, look what I made for my sweet Valentine Girl today:

What Sanity??

Through this journey I have sometimes wondered if I have lost a piece of my sanity. Well, actually I am certain that I have, but I am hoping that it is normal!

A few days after losing Sophia & Ellie I received a message from my OB's office. As I sat on hold waiting to be connected to the person whom called I thought maybe she was calling to tell me there had been a mistake and my babies hadn't died. I really hoped this was what she was calling for. Then I cam back to reality when she came on the line and told me my iron was low and I needed to take a supplement. I would have much rather heard what I wanted to hear.

This baby that I am now carrying is SOOOOOO active. I felt her moving very early on and she is constantly doing something to get my attention. I like to think that her and her sisters are working together to let me know she is okay. However, the other day she was moving so much that I thought there has to be two babies in there! Let me remind you that I have had no less than half a dozen ultrasounds (and every time I wonder if they will find another baby) and every time there is only one. I don't know why I think about this, or obsess about it you may say. Another set of twins will not replace the ones I lost, just like this singleton will not replace Sophia & Ellie either, but...I still think about it. After my very detailed 20 week scan where there is NO POSSIBLE WAY they could have missed a second baby I still had this thought...maybe there are two. I know there isn't but you see, that is why I think I have lost a piece of my sanity. I hope I am not alone here with these irrational thoughts!! I always come back to reality quickly, but once in a while my mind still goes there. I guess it is all a part of losing such loved ones.

21 weeks and 1 day

21 weeks and 1 day. That was how far along I was when I went into labor with Sophia & Ellie, that was their gestational age. Saturday I was 21 weeks and 1 day into this pregnancy. It is a peculiar feeling. I can't really put words to it. In a way it is sad, but at the same time its not...I don't know, like I said I can't put words to it. But to know what this baby looks like at this age, how small she is, what her skin is like, to have held two just like her is surreal, and when I think back to that day, it just hurts.

A couple weeks ago I received 2 very special packages in the mail. The first one was from Katy at In Hannah's Honor:

These are beautiful wooden plaques with the girls' names and a lovely scripture imprinted on them. Thank you so much Katy, I love them and I can't wait to hang them in my home.

That same day I also received a package from my special friend in Ireland, Ines at Forward Tumble:
This is a piece of driftwood that Ines so beautifully scribed the girls' names onto. Thank you Ines, I treasure this gift from you!!

A few weeks ago Leila's Mommy made these prayer bundles for my girls. She then tied them (along with many others) to the Tree of Life. It is said that every time the wind blows the prayers are carried out into the universe. Thank you so much, I love it!!!

Then today I received an e-mail from Lisa at Jasper, Forever our First Born. She had taken this beautiful picture (and more) and posted them on her blog Waterfall Angels. Thank you Lisa...I love them all!!I just want to say thank you to all who have done these special things for my girls. It is so meaningful to me to have a piece Sophia & Ellie in whatever form it comes. Thank you!!

Hutch's grandma...she is stable but not well. She appears to have all (or most) of her cognitive ability, but she is very limited physically. She can squeeze your hand to respond to a question and she was giving thumbs up/down a few days ago, but I don't know if this is still the case. She is being moved into an assisted living facility where she will be receiving therapy and will hopefully make improvements. I have not had the opportunity to tell her my thoughts yet, and now I am not sure I need to. I think if she improves, I may tell her, but really I do think she already knows and I am at peace with that. Thank you for your thoughts and support during this time. Knowing there are people out there who do not think I am crazy for thinking these things helps me get through the day!!