Busy…That is how my life has been the last couple of weeks. Sophia’s & Ellie’s birthday is quickly approaching. I have made several decisions about what to do, but now I have to prepare for them and I think that part is even harder. We have had many events and functions to attend the last couple of weeks. Last year I went to some of these things as a VERY pregnant mother to be of twins. Others, I had just lost the girls and was still trying to cope with the newness of it all. Needless to say, these things have taken me right back to that place I was at almost a year ago. I even overheard people talking about me at one of these events, but that is okay because it made me feel like they remembered my girls (even though they didn’t know them.) I haven’t attended some of these things because I don’t want to talk to people about this pregnancy and feel awkward when I do or don’t talk about my pregnancy with the twins.
Its hard and still so fresh when I think about that day…that very long day that wasn’t long enough. I would have stayed on that day forever if it meant I wouldn’t have to turn my girls over to someone to have their tiny bodies buried. It is all still so painful when I actually sit and think about it. I guess that is why I just try to busy myself, sometimes it is easier to take my mind away from that day and not think about all the agonizing details, not replay them over and over in my mind. I prefer to just focus on my girls and their sweet little faces. I guess that is what I will try to do this week…the last week before their first birthday.
Yesterday I was asked THREE times how many children this baby will make for us…THREE time in ONE day!!! I think I need a shirt that says not to ask this question. I hate this question…HATE it!! All three times yesterday my answer was, “Three.” I hate that I can’t just say 5, but I think my problem with it is this. Five is a lot of kids…so I feel like if I say that, people may react and say something like, “Five…wow that a lot of kids, blah, blah, blah…” Then the conversation may turn into me explaining our non-traditional family and again, awkwardness. I don’t know, I have thought about trying it out on someone, but just haven’t found the right person to be my guinea pig I guess. And really, I giess it is not a big deal, but it makes me uncomfortable when I don't include Sophia & Ellie because they are very much a part of our family.
This week will be another busy one as I prepare myself for next Sunday. It is so hard to believe almost a year has passed; it feels like yesterday. I guess it will always feel that way, every detail of that bittersweet day is forever engrained in my mind and heart.