Busy…That is how my life has been the last couple of weeks. Sophia’s & Ellie’s birthday is quickly approaching. I have made several decisions about what to do, but now I have to prepare for them and I think that part is even harder. We have had many events and functions to attend the last couple of weeks. Last year I went to some of these things as a VERY pregnant mother to be of twins. Others, I had just lost the girls and was still trying to cope with the newness of it all. Needless to say, these things have taken me right back to that place I was at almost a year ago. I even overheard people talking about me at one of these events, but that is okay because it made me feel like they remembered my girls (even though they didn’t know them.) I haven’t attended some of these things because I don’t want to talk to people about this pregnancy and feel awkward when I do or don’t talk about my pregnancy with the twins.
Its hard and still so fresh when I think about that day…that very long day that wasn’t long enough. I would have stayed on that day forever if it meant I wouldn’t have to turn my girls over to someone to have their tiny bodies buried. It is all still so painful when I actually sit and think about it. I guess that is why I just try to busy myself, sometimes it is easier to take my mind away from that day and not think about all the agonizing details, not replay them over and over in my mind. I prefer to just focus on my girls and their sweet little faces. I guess that is what I will try to do this week…the last week before their first birthday.
Yesterday I was asked THREE times how many children this baby will make for us…THREE time in ONE day!!! I think I need a shirt that says not to ask this question. I hate this question…HATE it!! All three times yesterday my answer was, “Three.” I hate that I can’t just say 5, but I think my problem with it is this. Five is a lot of kids…so I feel like if I say that, people may react and say something like, “Five…wow that a lot of kids, blah, blah, blah…” Then the conversation may turn into me explaining our non-traditional family and again, awkwardness. I don’t know, I have thought about trying it out on someone, but just haven’t found the right person to be my guinea pig I guess. And really, I giess it is not a big deal, but it makes me uncomfortable when I don't include Sophia & Ellie because they are very much a part of our family.
This week will be another busy one as I prepare myself for next Sunday. It is so hard to believe almost a year has passed; it feels like yesterday. I guess it will always feel that way, every detail of that bittersweet day is forever engrained in my mind and heart.
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That questions of how many kids is so difficult. You have to do what is most comfortable to you. Even if you say three, that doesn't mean you love or think about your girls any less. Sometimes I do feel like wearing a t-shirt that says not to ask that question.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, Sophia, and Ellie as their birthday approaches. xx
Oh Tina, I get that question too, and I hate it. x
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean about hating that question. I got it a couple of times this week - one time I said "we have two little girls, but this will be our first living child." The other time, I just said "this is our first." It's so hard, like you said, to get into that conversation - and it hurts too much.
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs and love.
I know it's tough Tina. On one hand you feel bad for not publicly acknowledging your girls, but on the other you feel so much anxiety about the questions (or silence) that will follow. I know our babies understand though. Thinking of you as the girls' birthday approaches xoxo
ReplyDeleteI don't feel like I could ever answer the question correctly either. One makes me feel guilty for leaving her out, the other makes me feel guilty for inflicting my painful life on this unsuspecting person who was just trying to make conversation. I don't want her to be left out. Such a horrible, rotten place to be.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you this week, and hoping the good memories outweigh the bad...
Oh...the dreaded question. It gets me everytime. I freeze when people ask me. The other day at my physio appt the clerk asked me how many babies this one makes for me and I blurted out 4 before I even realized what I had done.
ReplyDeleteI always feel so guilty when I leave Blake out of my answer.
I will be thinking of you this week as you prepare for Sunday.
Hugs, Tina. xxx Always in my thoughts and prayers---you and ALL of your babies
ReplyDeleteI might be alone in this one but I like it when people ask me how many kids that I have. I like it because it allows me to count Nate. There aren't to many opportunities for me to mention his name so it feels good when I get the chance. Of course, it makes the asker of the questions uncomfortable...but it does my heart good.
ReplyDeleteHugs as you tackle this tough week!
Trisha
That question has to be so hard, but you have to answer however you feel is right. Whatever you answer, it doesn't mean they aren't part of your family because they always will be. Thinking of you, Sophia & Ellie this week. XO
ReplyDeleteSending you strength and love Tina xxxx
ReplyDeleteThinking of you as Sophia and Ellie's birthday approaches. I still haven't found the right way to handle the question 'how many children do you have?' and I'm sure you must get asked so frequently, seems to be a favourite that people ask of pregnant ladies. I used to be so proud to say 'first AND second'
ReplyDeleteSophia and Ellie will always be a much loved and cherished part of your family. Nothing can ever change that. x
i promise you, that question gets easier and easier. or maybe in my case, i have no choice. i had someone ask me about my tattoo of quinn's footprint. "it's my son's", "yes, he was that small" they ALWAYS ask how old he is now. i reply with "he doesn't walk this earth anymore" and that usually makes them feel a bit uneasy, but it's the nicest way i could come up with to say you are a babylost mama.
ReplyDeletei will be in mexico this coming weekend for my brother's wedding, and your girls 1st angelversary. so, please know that i am thinking about you, your hubs, and ALL FIVE of your kids.
I've learned how difficult that question can be, so I've eradicated it from my "getting to know people" questions. I'll definitely be thinking of you all this next week. Sending love.
ReplyDeleteJust sending you BIG warm HUGS.
ReplyDeleteTina, it is over a month since I missed your comment on my blog - letting me know you had created a button for your Mama Mia. Forgive me! I hadn't visited that "Created By Mommies" post in a while and so completely missed your comment.
ReplyDeleteI can understand the overwhelming feelings and emotions as your girls' birthday draws nearer. My heart goes out to you as I read your post. I think you are speaking from the heart and I agree with how you chose to handle many conversations. I suppose - in saying that you have 3 children (to someone you just met) is more "suitable" as a first greeting. And when you are given more time with that new friend and you begin to share your stories and family with them, Sophia and Ellie will be much much more than the rehearsed "but we lost our girls a year ago". And rather, you will be able to spend more time sharing your memories as your friendship grows.
hugs - the girls birthday will be great! I hope you are feeling well with this pregnancy :)
The dreaded question. While we love talking about our boys, it gets incredibly hard to hear ourselves repeat that we have two children, pregnant with our third.
ReplyDeleteWishing you peace as the girls first birthday in heaven approaches.
*hugs*
Glad to see an update from you, Tina---honestly, I can relate SO much to what you say-that question is so horrible. I went to a wedding last night and had total anxiety wondering who we'd get stuck at a table with....you just know it's coming!!!!!
ReplyDeleteOur twins birthdays were so close-and hopefully our new rainbow babies won't be born too far apart, either! (I'm about a month behind you, I think?).
I am a very shy person in general. But since our loss I have become more of a hermit because I don't want to meet knew people and have that question asked of me. I will keep you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteFeel sort of relieved i can carry on answering "I have 4 girls" and leave the question of whether i say "and i also had a son" for a matter of choice for the moment. Feels really horrid though.
ReplyDeleteAnd i nearly smacked a woman today for moaning constantly about her little boy :/
Just hugs, love and prayers to lift you up sweet friend. xxx
ReplyDeleteI hate that question. We know it will be 5 with nothing to follow! Thinking of your sweet baby girls faces this week with you. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteno nasty comments to follow is what my fingers typed, but computer didn't...
ReplyDeleteI find it so difficult when people ask how many children I have. Once I said "none" and felt sick the rest of the night. The next I explained everything, and then felt exposed. There is no easy answer.
ReplyDeleteI am thinking of you as you approach next Sunday. I know how terribly difficult a day it was for me to get through, and am praying extra hard that the day is kinder to you. Do what feels right, and be kind to yourself.
Thinking of you. Hugs.
ReplyDeletexo
It makes me uncomfortable too to leave Carleigh out.
ReplyDeleteThat is a very hard question to answer. *hugs* You gotta answer in the way that makes you most comfortable. *hugs*
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