Living without Sophia and Ellie

a winner

2012-01-01T10:23:00.001-08:00

Happy New Year to you all!!! I hope that 2012 brings you many blessings, whatever they may be.

I’m not really one to make resolutions, but I feel that I need to this year. I really need to focus on a few things to improve myself and make me a better person. I need to let go of some negativity and accept what is. I’m going to try, and that is all I can do.

Anyway, on to the winner…it is comment number 6…

FAMILLEE wOPAT!!!!

Yay!!! Christy, please contact me so we can discuss the details!

Thank you all for participating in the giveaways this year. I hope they helped to bring a little bit of joy into your difficult days this holiday season. It has been a joy catching up on blogs and finding new ones. I wish you all peace, love, and joy this year. xo

day 25…still!

2011-12-29T09:01:00.001-08:00

Yeah, I know, I still haven’t chosen a winner…that’s the way it is when I have posted EVERYDAY for a month! That is quite a challenge for me! And now I don’t even want to come near the computer (unless it’s to get on pinterest!)

Anyway, just wanted to remind you that I’ll be choosing a winner soon. So get your comment in (please leave it in the post below) and remember if you like my fb page, leave a comment telling me so for an additional chance to win!

See you in a few!! xo

day 25!!!

2011-12-25T00:44:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas!!! I hope today is filled with peace and love for all of you. I know we will all be missing our little ones who are not here with us. For me, this year is different than the last two have been. I think maybe I have grown to accept what has happened. I have some peace in my life. I have lots of love in my life too. I have found a way to incorporate my girls into my everyday existence. Of course I miss them and I can’t help but think of how crazy it would be with the two of them running around here. I can almost see it sometimes, see what our family would look like. I wish Sophia and Ellie were here celebrating with us, opening presents. They would be having so much fun this year. Instead, we will go to the cemetery tomorrow and take them some flowers and visit for a bit with our sweet girls.

Okay, for today’s giveaway we have TWO!!! The first stop is with Shyla and Jakin’s mommy, Mattie, at Beauty Will Rise. Mattie has 3 wonderful items she is giving away, plus she has a little something for everyone who enters! Go on over and take a look!!!

For our second and final stop on the giveaway train (ha ha!!) we are staying right here. To enter to win a piece of jewelry from me, leave a comment. Let me know how these giveaways have helped you, or something different you would like to see, or tell me how the season has been for you this year, how it’s different than previous years with out your little one(s). I will leave the giveaway open for a few days…I need a break from posting! But, really I know today may be a day where you are not reading blogs and I want you all to have a chance to enter and win. So what will you win??? Well, I think I would like to work with the winner to make an extra special piece, maybe something new and interesting…maybe something old that is just right the way it is, so I guess the choice will be yours! So leave a comment here and for a second chance to enter, like my face*book page and leave a comment telling me so.

And since I don’t have all of your addresses, here is my card to you:

Wishing you all the merriest of Christmases and know that I will be thinking of you and your little ones today and always. xo

day 24…

2011-12-24T07:52:00.001-08:00

Okay…We're a little late today, but I am sure all of you are sleeping in and/or finishing up your shipping right?! Anyway, today we are going to visit a very special mama, Ter, at With an Angel on My Shoulder. Ter is not only a baby loss mama, to little Tyla, but she has also lost her sweet husband. Go on over and leave her some love, and see the adorable item she is giving away today.

Tomorrow's it!!! The last day! Be sure to come check it out sometime during your busy day. xo

day 23!!!

2011-12-23T05:48:00.001-08:00

2.more.days…

Good morning! Today we have TWO giveaways happening again!

The first is from Peyton’s mommy, Kristin, at Once a Mother. She’s got a deliciously cute giveaway going on. Go check it out!

Our second stop is with Hadley’s mama, Jessica, at Four Plus an Angel. Go see what she is offering today…I’m pretty sure you’ll love it!

See you all tomorrow…oh and did I already mention that there are only 2 more days!!! xo

day 22!!!

2011-12-21T23:43:00.001-08:00

Today we are going to visit one of my very dear friends that I have had the opportunity of spending some time with this year. Ella’s mommy, Bree, at My Baby Butterfly Ella, has a beautiful giveaway going on. The symbolism of it is perfect for us…go take a look and you will see.

The next giveaway for today is from Calypso’s mama, Melissa, at Scars in My Yarn. Melissa is a wonderful artist and is giving away one of her own pieces! Go on over and see it.

Also, if you didn’t hop over and see Raquel yesterday at Life After Jeremiah, you may want to. She is giving away a GREAT book!

3 more posts to go!!! Yay!!!

day 21!!!

2011-12-21T06:15:00.001-08:00

We’re getting close!!! Only 4 more days to go!

Today we are going to see Jeremiah’s mommy, Raquel, at Life After Jeremiah. Hop on over to her blog and see what’s going on.

See you tomorrow!

day 20!!!

2011-12-19T23:16:00.001-08:00

Holy typo!!! For the record, that last post was typed in a mad rush, from my phone. I hate poor grammar and silly mistakes, I might just have to go fix them all!!

OMG!!! Only FIVE days left!!! Today Carleigh and Jordan’s mama, Holly, has NINE, yes 9 (and that’s NOT a typo) giveaways going on! Hop on over to Caring for Carleigh and see all the wonderful things she is offering. You’ll love it!

And if you haven't visited Still Life 365 to see Angie's beautiful giveaway yet, go on over and check it out too!

See you all tomorrow! I’m on the count down!! xo

Update...day 19!!

2011-12-19T12:34:00.000-08:00

Surprise...there are actuall two giveaways going in today!!! There is Shandrea's that I mentioned below (fabulous right?) and the second one is from Angie at Still Life 365. If you haven't visited this space before, go take a look. It is a beautiful place to share your grief through art, and for everyone it is different.

Now go enter both of these amazing giveaways!! See you tomorrow!!

day 19

2011-12-19T07:07:00.001-08:00

Today we are going to go see Camron Xavien , and Tristen’s mama, Shandrea, at Loving My Angels. She has an FABULOUS idea for a giveaway, so go take a look, I think you’ll love it too!!!

day 18!!!

2011-12-18T07:57:00.001-08:00

Good morning! Today we are going to see Amelia’s mommy, Stephanie, at Beyond Words Designs. Stephanie is a dear friend, AMAZING artist, and a wonderful mother!

You can check out her beautiful paintings here. Stephanie painted canvases of Gigi’s name for me and they are so amazing! (I will get a picture up today.) She was so great to work with, very patient with me and willing to try out something new. Anyone who wins her giveaway will be so lucky! Go on over and check it out, I promise you won’t be disappointed!! xo

ellie

2011-12-17T14:57:00.001-08:00

I have to write about this before I forget…

I have been working like crazy, trying to get all my orders completed and shipped in time for Christmas. Gigi and I are the only ones home now, so she was in there “helping” me. I was stamping an order and the name on one of the discs was Ellie. So, of course that got me thinking of my little one. While I was working on this, Gigi started saying, “Baby, baby!” I asked her, “Baby? Where?” She nodded, pointed up, and said it again. This went on for a bit. I asked her if she could say Sophie and she just looked at me. I asked her if she could say Ellie and she nodded and tried to say it. I have a bulletin board over my work table and on the board is a “family” picture of ALL of us, drawn by Emma. Gigi then looked at that, said baby again, pointed up, kept saying baby, and then went on playing.

At first I just thought it was strange. Then, when I realized I had just stamped Ellie’s name, I thought…could it really be Ellie? Could Gigi see her big sister? Maybe it’s just my mind reading too much into things. I don’t know, but I think I’ll choose to believe it was my tiny girl paying us a visit.

day 17!!!

2011-12-17T07:19:00.001-08:00

I can’t believe there are only 8 days left! There have been some fabulous giveaways going on and I hope you have been enjoying them and meeting some new wonderful people .

Today we have TWO more fabulous giveaways going on!! The first is from Mikayla and Chase’s mommy, Melissa, at Chasing Our Rainbow. Melissa is also the woman behind Mikayla’s Grace, where they support families with a baby in the NICU and those who experience the death of an infant. Pretty wonderful right? Go on over and visit her, she is giving away 3 lovely items and is also hosting a separate giveaway from the Mikayla’s Grace fb page. Go check it all out!!

Our second giveaway today is from Dylan’s parents, Jus and Kat, at In Dylan’s Memory. They too are giving away two special items today! Go take a look!!

See you tomorrow, I promise, I’ll TRY to be on time! x0

Day 16

2011-12-16T07:17:00.000-08:00

Sorry this is so late!!! Head on over and see Chase's mommy, Christy, at A Piece of the Pearsons. My sweet friend has an awesome giveaway going in! I LOVE it!! Go take a look and see what you think!

Ok, keeping fingers crossed this works...I'm posting from my phone! :/

day 15!!!

2011-12-15T00:03:00.001-08:00

Today, let’s go see Laken’s mommy, Melissa, at Laken’s Bears. She is giving away a beautiful thing, so go check it out and see the wonderful things she does in honor of her sweet daughter.

See you all tomorrow! Ten days to go!! xo

day 14!!!

2011-12-13T22:51:00.001-08:00

Oh my goodness, 11 days till Christmas?!?! I am no where near ready! How about all of you? Please tell me you are in this boat right along with me! ;)

Today we have TWO giveaways going on again!! Yeah!!! The first one is from Gracie’s mama, Susan, at Our Lives Forever Changed. Susan is such a sweet (and BUSY) lady, go on over and see her adorable giveaway!

Our second stop is with Drew’s and Albos’ mommy, Kate, at Spend Time in My Shoes. She has two awesome items she’s giving away! Go on over and check them out!

Good luck and I hope you are finding some peace during this difficult season!

See you tomorrow! xo

day 13!!!

2011-12-12T23:22:00.001-08:00

For our thirteenth day of giveaways, go see Sydney’s mommy, Jaime, at Our Butterfly and Rainbow. Actually, don’t because I really want to win this one!!! Just kidding, (kind of) go take a peek and leave a comment, I promise…YOU WILL LOVE IT!!!

I keep forgetting to mention this: If you contacted me about hosting a giveaway and never heard from me, please let me know if you still want to do it. I have every day filled and don't need anyone else, but I can always find a spot for you if you want me to! There were a few people I couldn't find e-mail addresses for so I wasn’t able to contact you with any info, so if this applies to you, e-mail me!!

See you all tomorrow! xo

day 12!!!!

2011-12-11T23:00:00.001-08:00

Ahhh, day 12…almost. half. way. done!

Today we are heading on over to see Kennedy’s super sweet mama, Alissa, at On KK’s Butterfly Wings. She has a beautiful giveaway that you won’t want to miss out on. So go tell her hello and throw your name in the hat!

See you back here tomorrow! xo

day 11!!!

2011-12-11T01:59:00.001-08:00

I hope you’re enjoying the giveaways, I hope they give you a little something to look forward to each day, I hope that maybe a smile has been put on your face in the last 10 days because of them.

Today we are going to stroll on over and visit sweet Kael’s mommy, Brigette, at A Blessed Life. She has a super sweet giveaway going on, so stop on by and leave her a comment and a little love.

See you tomorrow! xo

day 10!!!

2011-12-10T06:43:00.001-08:00

Good morning! It’s still early here on the west coast, so I’m really not that late today!

Luckily, today’s host has her s#*! together and got her post up yesterday! Go take a look at Lucia’s mom, Angie, over at Still Life with Circles. Angie is an amazing artist and writer. She does so many things for our community and has a huge heart. Go on over and see the great things she is giving away today!

See you tomorrow! xo

day 9!!!!

2011-12-09T01:26:00.001-08:00

Day 9 already?! We’re more than a third of the the way there, but who’s keeping track?? Oh yeah, I am! This blogging everyday is hard work! ;)

Today we’re going to pop on over and visit Jenna Belle’s mama, Fran, at Small Bird Studios. Fran is such an awesome lady and has so many talents. I know you’ll stay a while and see all the wonderful things she is involved in, like her card line with Carly, her beautiful collages, blog designs, and much, much more. Go on and take a look at the beautiful mess sweet Jenna left behind.

See you all tomorrow!! Yay for FRIDAY!! (insert woo woo with hands in the air here!)

day 8!!!!

2011-12-07T22:58:00.001-08:00

Today we are going to go on over and visit Riley, Peyton and Cameron’s mom, Jessica, at Too Beautiful for Earth. She will be choosing four lucky winners, so go give her some love and while you’re at it, check out her awesome etsy shop too!

Gigi’s screamin’…gotta go! I’ll see you all back here tomorrow! xo

day 7!!!!!!!

2011-12-06T23:30:00.001-08:00

Today we’re going to stop by and see Lily’s mommy, Jen, over at Lily’s Mommy Forever. Jen is giving away a beautiful gift, that I am positive you will love. Go take a look and leave her a little love! See you tomorrow! xo

day 6!!!!!!

2011-12-06T06:11:00.001-08:00

Sorry I’m late today! I fell asleep and forgot to post here last night! BUt, Shealyn’s mama, Betty, is on the ball and already has her post up! Go on over to Random Thoughts at 65mph and pay her a little visit. She’s offering a very sweet giveaway that I know you’ll love! Come back by tomorrow and see where to go, I’ll try to be on time!

day 5!!!!!

2011-12-04T22:15:00.001-08:00

I have been so, so busy! We have had our tree for a week, and still haven’t had a chance to put ONE.SINGLE.THING. on it!!! Life can just be so chaotic. This morning my dear IRL friend “L” sent me a fb message. If you’ve ever read about this special friend of mine, you might remember her special gift and connection to my girls. Her message said that she felt she needed to tell me I am loved. It was the perfect morning for me to hear these sweet words from my sweet girls, via my sweet friend.

Now for our fifth day! Today we’re going to go see sweet George’s mama, Karen, at Busy Hands. I love Karen’s idea for our comments and can’t wait to go back and read them all!

Hope you’re all having fun with the giveaways, I’ll see you back here tomorrow! xo

day 4!!!!

2011-12-03T23:25:00.001-08:00

Are you ready for day 4??? I am! We have two stops on the Giveaway Express today! (forgive the corniness, but it’s late and I need to come up with something else to say!! ;)

First stop is with Julia and Evan’s mom, Kara, at Random Musings and Evan’s Lil Evergreen. That’s one giveaway on two blogs! I first met Kara through my etsy shop and she is such a sweet, talented lady. Go see what she is offering!

The second stop is with River’s mama, Deanna, at Forever Our Angel. Go on over and see what this beautiful lady is giving away today too.

Good luck and I’ll see you tomorrow! xo

day 3!!!

2011-12-02T23:46:00.001-08:00

The giveaways are off to a great start!

Today, go see Florence’s mummy, Jeanette, over at Lazy Seamstress. Jeanette is an amazing woman, who does some pretty amazing things. Go see some of her projects and beautiful work. Leave her a little love while you’re there and see what she is offering today…I CAN’T WAIT!!!

P.S. I’m not sure why her blog is titled “Lazy” Seamstress, I am quite certain that Jeanette is anything but lazy! I think she has some explaining to do! xo

day 2!!!

2011-12-02T06:33:00.001-08:00

It’s day TWO!! First let me say a great big thank you to all who left such sweet comments yesterday. I had tears in my eyes many times reading your kind words. Knowing that this little thing I have organized is making a difference to so many of you is humbling. xo

Now, on to a winner!!! Using random.org, the winner of the necklace is #36

that’s Kristin from Come What May and Love it

Congratulations Kristin, please contact me and we can make arrangements for your necklace!

And because I hate to leave the rest of you out, if you would like to make a purchase from my shop, use this code 25DAYS for 10% off your order. I'll leave this code up through the weekend, just in case!

*****

Now for today’s giveaways…yes that’s right GIVEAWAYS!!!! Why not have two giveaways on day 2?!? So, our first stop is with Hope’s Mama over at Tuesday’s Hope. I am so happy to have this beautiful mother taking part in our giveaways this year. Stop on by and see what she is offering.

Our second destination is at Looking for Blue Sky. Nathan’s mommy, Trisha, is a mother to 5, SOON to be 6, lovely little ones. And to keep up with the TWOS today, she has 2 things she is giving away!

So go on over and visit these special mamas. And don’t forget to check back here to see where to go tomorrow!!!

*****

I have something I’ve been dying to share! We started a new tradition in our house the season, an Advent Calendar. However, instead of having treats each day, there is an activity for each day. Some are good deeds, some are just family activities, some are just silliness, but I am love with the idea (not mine originally of course!) and of how they turned out.

I purchased this cute and colorful Advent box, still looking to see what else is our there, but this one works great!

I printed these activities on cardstock, punched them out using a 2.5” scallop punch. Punched out the same size of Christmas papers and then mounted the activities to it. Tonight we did the first one and the kids (even my big boy) thought it was pretty cool!

It would also be adorable to make some type of garland banner with these, or just to put them in a bucket or jar and pick one everyday!! So anyway, if you would like a copy of these activities, I would be more than happy to share them with you. I have no idea how to share the documents here, so if you want a copy emailed to you, please comment with your email address.

2

2011-12-01T23:06:00.000-08:00

This is just a quick post to let you know where to head for day 2 of the giveaways...we're going over seas for one of them today and I want to give you plenty of time to put your name in the hat. Go to Tuesday's Hope and see what she's offering, but hurry because she's on a different time zone than us Americans! We are also visiting Looking for Blue Sky today, so go see her too!

Check back at about 6:00 am PST for the full post, a winner, and a little printable freebie (kind of!)

25 days of giveaways…DAY 1!!!!!

2011-11-30T23:00:00.001-08:00

I can't believe it it this time of year again! I can't believe this is the THIRD year of these giveaways! That is very exciting for me! It all started with a tiny idea in this mama's head; just a little something to help get a few of us through the first Christmas without our babies. It turned out to be so much bigger than I had imagined, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful for each and every one of you. Without the hosts and participants, none of this would happen, so, thank you, thank you, thank you! To me, these giveaways are a bit of joy that we can spread to one another as we honor and remember our beautiful babies, because without them, none of this would be. I am grateful for my girls, Sophia and Ellie, for many reasons, but one of them is for all the lovely people whom I have met here. Without all of you, I don't know where I would be.

Okay, enough with the sappy stuff...on to the giveaway!!!! If you read my last post, you saw a little hint about where today's giveaway would be...and it is RIGHT HERE!!

If you are new to my blog and story, you may not know that after I lost my girls I was inspired to create. I began making hand stamped jewelry and haven’t stopped since! It brings me peace and joy and I absolutely love it! For today’s giveaway, I am offering a very special item from my etsy shop.

I really adore this necklace. I first made it for a very special boy’s mama. If you are interested in reading more about this family, click here. Make sure you have some tissue nearby though! So, to enter this giveaway, leave a comment here and tell me if you plan on doing something to keep your baby extra close to your heart as you celebrate this Christmas Season. I know they live in your hearts everyday, but I like to hear all the ways we include our little ones during special times like this. Good luck and don’t forget to check back here tomorrow to see who the winner is and where the next giveaway is being held! xo

P.S. If you are on face*book and want to like my page, you can see new designs and get coupon codes and sale info too! You know, just in case you wanna!

25 days of giveaways

2011-11-30T06:25:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow's the big day! The first giveaway!!!! Not sure I'm ready to post everyday for 25 days, but I can do it!!! Have you grabbed the button yet?? Check back here tomorrow and see where who the first host is (hint, you won't have to travel far!! :) See you all tomorrow!

P.S. If you messaged me about hosting a day, and you have not heard from me, please contact me asap so I can send you the info! Or if you didn't respond to my message, please do so, so I know you are on for your day! Thanks!!!

the button is up!!!

2011-11-27T22:37:00.000-08:00

The button is up and the code is ready for you to copy and paste onto your blog to help spread the word about the 25 Days of Giveaways! Only 4 more days till the first one!!!!! Eeeek!!! Just want to say a HUGE thank you to two lovely ladies, Angie and Fran , who helped me TREMENDOUSLY with the button! Thanks girls! xo

25 days of giveaways

2011-11-25T21:25:00.000-08:00

Last Sunday, I sent an e-mail to all those who said they would like to host a day. I haven't heard from many of you, so check your junk mail and if you don't see it e-mail me at hutchtina@bak.rr.com. I just want to make sure everyone gets the info and know when their day is!

On another note, today is the 25th. That means 2 years and 7 months without my girls. I'm so thankful to have them in my life, even though it is not in the capacity I wish they were in it. It's amazing to me how my grief has changed. I remember in the early days reading posts by other mothers who were further out from their loss. I would think that time would never help to heal my brokeness. However, it has. My girls are in my thoughts constantly. I see their memory box and sketch many times throughout the day. Today I put up their little Christmas tree. They are a part of my everyday life, but I still wish they were physically here.

25 days of giveaways

2011-11-13T21:11:00.000-08:00

It's on!!!! Thank you so much to all of you who have agreed to participate. I will get an e-mail out with more info by next weekend. There were a couple people who had special requests and I will do everything I can to accomodate you. If there is anyone else who would still like to host a day, there is still room, we can always have 2 giveaways on one day!!! Thank you all, without you, this wouldn't be a success. xo

25 days of giveaways

2011-11-10T06:32:00.000-08:00

Ok! Twelve people have said they would like to participate in the giveaways, well I guess thirteen counting me! Anyone else out there interested?? Your item DOES NOT have to be handmade. It can be anything you choose. The giveaways are open to all baby loss parents. If your think you might be interests. Leave a comment here along with your email address. To those of you who commented on the last post, I will get more info out once I see if more people are interested. Thanks so much!!
xo

25 days of giveaway????

2011-11-05T11:18:00.000-07:00

Oh goodness am I a bad blogger!! I have been so busy and really just haven't had much new to write. Today I realized it was November. Now I knew it was November, but just hadn't thought much about what I should be doing to get ready for December! It will be here so soon! So, I'm just wondering who might be interested in hosting a giveaway in December. They will start on the first and end the 25th, that is if we get enough participants. If you're interested, please leave a comment here and your email address. If you don't know about the giveaways but would like to find out what they are, go to my posts from last December and you will see what a great thing this has been for the baby loss community. Happy November everyone!! Only 50 days till Christmas! :/

hall pass

2011-09-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

I realized something tonight, something that I have NEVER given a thought to in the past 2 years and 5 months. I really am surprised at myself, kind of embarrassed too...

Hutch and I watched "Hall Pass" tonight (a pretty funny movie if you haven't seen it.) At the end, one of the characters, Fred, is at the hospital and on his way up to see his wife. I wondered what he was thinking at that moment. Then it hit me...

When I went into labor with Sophia and Ellie, Hutch was not home, he had left earlier that morning for a golf tournament. My mom took me to the hospital and I called Hutch and told him something was wrong and he needed to meet us there. He drove from the golf course to the hospital (probably a 30 minute drive under normal circumstances) and came up the elevator by himself. I wonder what he was thinking, how he was feeling. I am sure he was scared to see what he was walking into, although he knew it wasn't good. He got there just in time for both of our beautiful daughters to be born.

I can't believe I have never thought about how he was feeling on his way to us, what he was thinking, how he was coping with the possibilities of who knows what at that point. I usually think about other people's feelings, I try really hard to, but this has never entered my mind. I suppose I could ask him, but the time needs to be right. I guess I have been so wrapped up in my own grief and my own memories of that day that I never thought about what he was feeling before he got there. Maybe the fact that I am realizing this now means I am making progress. Or maybe this silly little movie we watched just triggered this for me. It's funny, the things that make me think of my little ones. But then again, they are always right there, in all my thoughts.

a sweet conversation

2011-09-03T09:37:00.000-07:00

We were standing in line, an elderly lady was behind us and talking to us about Gigi.

lady (to Emma): Are you her big sister?

Emma: Yes.

lady: Do you have any other brothers or sisters?

Emma: Yes, I have a brother and two other sisters.

me: a big smile and a very warm heart

That girl of mine is the sweetest!

****
****

Tomorrow is my EDD (2 years ago). I know Sophia & Ellie wouldn't have made it to their due date, but it still makes me sit here and wonder what my life would be like with 2 two year olds. I wish I knew.

Tomorrow is also the day I miscarried the first pregnancy after the twins. I can't imagine our lives without Gigi, but I still wonder who that little one was.

i wonder

2011-08-09T10:18:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about this a lot lately...

Brady and Emma have very similar features. They both have brown hair, dark skin, beautiful hazel eyes, and they have always been at the top of the growth charts.

I always assumed the twins would have these same features. Then along came my sweet Gigi. She is the pip-squeak of the family. She is no where near the top of the growth charts, she has BLONDE hair, BLUE eyes, and as Hutch says, she is "pig-mentally challenged" meaning she is super pale!

So now I sit and wonder what color their eyes are, is their hair brown or blonde, are they olive complected or pale...I guess I'll never know during this lifetime...I wish I didn't have to wonder.

today

2011-07-26T10:22:00.001-07:00

Today I will be attending a funeral for a baby who lived 5 days. A friend in real life who is living a pain I know all too well. I am so sorry for her, for her husband, and their living daughters. They are the sweetest people and don't deserve this; none of us do.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling. I think I'm okay, but it's bringing me right back to those early days two+ years ago when I was faced with the reality that my babies would not be coming home. The reality that I would have to plan their funeral, pick out their casket, tell my older children that their sisters died. I don't let myself go there very often, it is too dark, too raw, too painful. I choose to remember them in a beautiful way because they were beautiful, they are beautiful.

So today as I remember sweet Leanna with her family, Sophia & Ellie will be right there in my thoughts too, but really, they always are anyways.

finally...a winner

2011-05-18T19:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm late...that's the story of my life! I said I would try to choose a winner last week, but it just didn't happen. But you know what they say, better late than never!! So onto the winner...

I used random.org to choose a commenter and the winner was Deni! And isn't she sweet, she wants to give it to someone else! Let me know your plans Deni!

I hope you all had a peaceful Mother's Day. Mine was...I don't know, I guess kind of weird. I did the usual things to celebrate and that was nice, but I just feel like I'm in a strange place with my loss.

My first Mother's Day after losing Sophia and Ellie was just 2 or 3 weeks later. I was still numb, still so tired. Last year I was pregnant with Gigi and we had just "celebrated" the girls' first birthday. This year was just...I don't know, just strange. I guess I'm still learning to live with it all, but I wish it would stop changing. Just when i think I have things semi-figured out, something changes. I'm not sure what, but something. I guess grief is forever evolving. Hmmm...that wasn't in the handbook.

mother’s day giveaway

2011-05-07T16:11:00.001-07:00

I hope you all have a wonderfully peaceful day. I know for some of you this will be the first year without your sweet baby, for others it will be yet another without a baby in your arms, and for some it will be the first year with your rainbows. Where ever you are in this journey, I hope your day is filled with love, beauty, and sweet reminders of all your children.

I have had one of these little blanks for sometime now.

I have been waiting for an opportunity to use it, but just haven't found it yet. I don’t like to make things unless they are for someone, I feel it is just wasteful to stamp some random name on something (especially with the price of silver right now!) and really, I have so many pieces for myself that I just don’t need another one to throw in the rotation! So that brings me here…to you. I am giving away one of these angel wing pendants personalized with your baby’s(ies) name. I will also add birthstones or crystals if you wish. To enter, leave a comment here telling me what you would like on the wing if you were to win. I will be randomly choosing a winner early next week (hopefully!) And if you would like to take a look to see what else is in my shop here is the link: www.mamamiatina.etsy.com.

Wishing you all peace and comfort today and always. I will be loving on all of my children this weekend: Brady, Emma, Sophia, Ellie, and Gigi. xoxox

two years

2011-04-25T08:42:00.000-07:00

Two years ago today, my world was turned upside down. My heart was ripped from my chest as I sat in the hospital bed in disbelief. I remember shaking my head from side to side all day long as I tried to make sense of what had happened. All while tears streamed down my face and the two most beautiful babies were lying there in their isolette.

At that point in time I was too broken to realize the beauty these two amazing girls would bring to my life. Because of them, I am better. I am a better person, still far from perfect, but better indeed. I am forever grateful for being able to hold them in my arms and kissing their sweet, perfect faces.

I miss them today and everyday and I love them with all my heart.

Dear Sophia & Ellie,

Happy second birthday sweet girls! Thank you for bringing such beauty into my life. You two are a precious gift that I will forever be thankful for. I wish we had more time together. I wish you were both here to celebrate your birthdays and everyday. I wish I could see you growing. Always know that I love you both with all my heart and you are always in my thoughts. You have made be a better person; a better mother, and for that I will always be grateful.

I love you!!
xoxo,
Mommy

where have i been?

2011-02-27T10:36:00.001-08:00

Its been so long…I don’t even know how 2 months have passed and I haven’t written here once. I have thought of it, I have had it on my to do list, I have had good intentions…but it just hasn’t happened. I have so much going on right now that as I type this I am thinking of the million other things I should be doing. I just want it all to go away so I can stop and just be. Friday was 22 months…how is that even possible, almost two years without Sophia & Ellie. I wasn’t able to go to the cemetery because of all this other stuff on my plate. I hate it when I cant’ make it out there, but I will go soon. I feel like I don’t even have time to grieve, to be sad, to just think about my girls. I keep telling myself that everything will settle down, but I’m just not convinced yet.

Here is what’s going on…We have sold our house (finally!) and escrow closes on March 10th. The new house we have purchased doesn’t close until March 31st…so we have a few weeks where we will be living with my parents…fun times! So I have this whole house to pack up, I just started yesterday (thank you mother!) I have been keeping very busy with my etsy shop and I am so happy about that, but I worry that because of my lack of time I am not getting orders out as quickly as normal and I don’t want to upset my customers. Work is a huge source of my problem…I know I’m not doing as good of a job as I could be if I were working part time. I told the powers that be this would happen when they decided to not let me job share. I keep telling myself that I’m doing the best I can, I truly I am…I just know its not my best. I can’t imagine having to work full time again next year, I really need to find something part time…I REALLY NEED TO! I am so far behind on just daily things, cooking (haven’t done that in a very long time), cleaning, balancing my checkbook…all those fun things. I hate to take the time out of my days at home to do these things because I try to spend every second I can with Gigi (and Brady & Emma too!) All of this (and other things) are keeping my head spinning. I think about my girls everyday, but I don’t feel like I really have time to think about them.

We have signed up to do the March for Babies in memory of Sophia and Ellie. If you are a fb friend you may have seen my contest. I am doing another one here, only for blm’s. Here is the deal…If you would like to make a donation to our team, for every $5 you contribute, you will be entered to win a $40 gift certificate to my etsy shop. If you would like to donate and enter to win, you can click the “Donate Now” button on the March for Babies badge up on the left. Now I know some of you donated already (THANK YOU VERY MUCH) and if you are wondering why it says $0 raised so far, it is because I had linked the first contest to the team page instead of my personal page. It all goes to the same place in the end, but the funds are kept separate. I will keep the contest open until March 15th when I randomly choose a winner.

So there you have it…my life in a nutshell! I have been trying to keep up with everyone's blogs , but I just haven't had time to even get on the computer lately. June isn’t too far away…I can’t wait to have my life back!!!!

finally…a winner!

2010-12-28T15:19:00.001-08:00

Sorry for the delay in choosing a winner, but after having to post EVERYDAY for almost a whole month, I think I ~~deserved~~ needed a little break! After all, these fingers of mine just aren't used to this much typing, actually this brain of mine isn't used to this much thinking!!

So onto the winners…yes that's right I picked two! Using random.org the first winner is commenter #12, Sad Kitty at The Nature of Balloons and winner number two is commenter #4, Angie at Still Life with Circles!!! Congratulations to you both. I can’t wait to work with each of you on these very special pieces.

I wish I could make all of you something for your precious babies, but that just isn’t feasible! However, if you would like to place an order through my shop, you can use code “25dog” for 15% off your order until January 5th. If you don’t see what you’re looking for send me a message and we can work it all out.

Thanks again for participating in the giveaways. I hope we can do it again next year! Wishing you all a peaceful New Year filled with your hearts’ desires and comfort for the absence that will always be felt in your souls.

Oh...and I'm serious about needing some advice on how to fix my little problem of not being able to follow new blogs. HELP!!!!

day 25!!!!!

2010-12-24T22:54:00.001-08:00

ZERO!!!! This is it! The last day for giveaways!!! Thank you all so much for participating, whether it be by hosting a day or entering to win, your participation is what make this all happen. Thank you also for your kind words to me. I guess I really didn’t know the impact these little giveaways had until I read your sweet comments and so many of you said the same thing.

I would like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas. I wish for you a peaceful day and gentle thoughts of your babies that will be missing from your day’s celebrations. I know I have struggled over the last few days just thinking of how this holiday should be. I miss my girls, however I do take much comfort in thinking that Hutch’s grandma is looking after them.

Since I can’t mail you all a Christmas card, here it is on my blog. I don’t know if you can read it or not, but the front says, “Blessed. So much to be grateful for this holiday season.” When I was choosing my cards (I went with Tiny Prints this year and LOVED them!!) I liked the looks of this one, but I really didn’t pay attention to any of the wording on it because that can always be changed. Once I decided I liked the layout of the pictures I read the card and thought it was perfect. We are blessed and we do have so much to be grateful for. We still miss our girls, and that will never change, but nevertheless, we are grateful for the ones who are here with us. The inside has Sophia’s & Ellie’s Christmas Tree in the sand that Carly drew for us. It is beautiful! Just my way of including them.

Okay, so onto the giveaways. I really don’t even want to tell you about the first one because I really want to win! But I will, today we are going back to see Amelia’s mommy, Stephanie, at Carried Through Grief. Stephanie is such an amazing painter and she has TWO paintings she is giving away today to two lucky winner! Go check it out, you’ll love them!

I am hosting the other giveaway today. So many of us have a certain phrase, saying, object, whatever that we associate with our babies. I want to work with the winner to come up with a very special piece of jewelry that captures their baby’s spirit perfectly. You may have something you have seen in the past, or an idea in your head, or no idea at all! But we will be working together closely to make it just right. Here are some things that come to mind that I have done in the past:

To enter my giveaway leave a comment here telling me a little something about what you think you may like if you win. I will choose a winner in a couple days because I know you are going to be too busy to visit today!

Merry Christmas my friends!

Sophia and Ellie mommy is missing you today and loving you always. xoxo

day 24

2010-12-23T23:42:00.001-08:00

ONE!!!!!!! Today we are going to see Kennedy’s mommy, Alissa, at On KK’s Butterfly Wings. Alissa has the following quote at the top of her blog, “I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be." I’m sure you know that this is from the book Love You Forever by Robert Munsch. I have this little thing I do…I buy books for Sophia & Ellie and this is one that I have for them. I actually have a few copies of this, one is Emma’s, I have at least one in my classroom, but Sophia & Ellie have their own very special copy…just for them. The message in this book is beautiful and really, I don’t think I have even read it out loud since losing the girls, it was hard enough for me to get through without crying before their deaths! Anyway, thank you Alissa for these simple words, because that is one of many things we all have in common, we will love our special babies forever and always. Go on over and see what special thing Alissa is giving away today. Don’t forget to come back tomorrow for our final giveaways!!!!! Good luck!

day 23

2010-12-23T07:29:00.001-08:00

TWO!!! Oops, so sorry I didn’t get this up sooner, I fell asleep last night and completely forgot about this post. I guess all those late nights are finally catching up to me. Anyway, there is a great giveaway going on today. All of them have been GREAT, but today’s is just a little different. Today’s giveaway is being hosted by Hadley’s mama, Jessica, at Four Plus an Angel. Jessica has really pulled many resources to make her special giveaway happen. Go on over and check it out, I think you’ll love it! Good luck and see you tomorrow!!

day 22

2010-12-22T01:07:00.001-08:00

THREE!! Today we are going to visit Aiden’s mommy, Angie, at Expectations Revised. I am new to Angie’s blog, but one thing I LOVE about it is right under her heading she has the following line, “Remember. Honor. Celebrate. Love. December Maya, Mason, Lyra Mae, Lucia Paz” These are the December babies who are having a birthday this month…LOVE it! What a sweet and simple way for her to say she is thinking about others. Go on over and take a peek at her giveaway. She has some information posted about it in her sidebar. Today we are also going to see Calvin, and Rainbow’s mommy, Crystal Theresa, at Blessed to be Broken. This is another new blog for me, I love meeting all the new mamas out there! Anyway, stop on over and meet Crystal Theresa (if you haven’t met before) and see what she is offering today. In one of her recent posts, Crystal Theresa has a bit about referring to our babies as angels. I think this sums up how I use the term quite well…see what you think about it too! Good luck and see you again tomorrow!!

day 21

2010-12-21T01:26:00.001-08:00

FOUR. MORE. DAYS. (insert screaming here!) Okay, I feel better now, onto the giveaways! Today we are going to see Gracie’s mama, Susan, at Our Lives Forever Changed. Susan has offered me lots of support and comfort since we “met.” She is a sincere woman and a dear friend. Go see her lovely giveaway, won’t you? We are also going to visit Devon’s mommy, Monica, at Honoring Our Angels. I am new to Monica’s story (and really need someone to help me fix it so I can follow new blogs…read here to see what I’m talking about!) but she beautifully honors her angel and many others on her blog. She spotlights other blogs (these giveaways were featured a couple weeks ago, thanks Monica!) and provides many helpful resources to bereaved families. Go on over and pay her a visit, maybe you’ll see something new. Good luck and see you back here tomorrow!!

a story, a winner, and day 20

2010-12-19T22:52:00.001-08:00

Several days ago I received an etsy message from someone interested in ordering a necklace. This is what she said, “Hi, your jewelry is beautiful! I just had twins in April…” OUCH…twins, in April. Really, I read that and it just stung a little. I answered her question and congratulated her on her babies. She then replied, “ Hi, I just saw that you have twin girls! How old are they?…” Uhhh…how do I answer this?!? I didn’t want her to feel badly for asking, I didn’t want her to think, “OMG!!! How horrible!” and not come back! So this is what I said, “My twins, Sophia & Ellie, were born in April 2009. However, they were very premature and both passed away. I have hesitated in answering your question because I know how my answer will make you feel. Please though, do not feel badly for asking, I love to talk about my daughters…” I was content with this, I was honest and asked her not to feel badly. What I wasn’t expecting was her response. “Oh Tina, I'm so sorry about Ellie & Sophia. Their names are just beautiful. Believe it or not, I have answered people similarly when they ask about my *C*. *C* was stillborn at 32 weeks in November of 2007 due to an umbilical cord accident. It has been a very long road, as I know you know. Bringing home our twins this year has brought a lot of joy and healing to our whole family…” This woman and I went on to share many thoughts and feelings on our experiences. It is really unbelievable that we found each other and shared our stories. She does not follow my blog (although I did tell her about it and the giveaways, so if you are reading I hope you don’t mind me sharing our story…I just think its worthy of sharing!) so she did not find my shop through any baby loss link. She just saw my shop along with many others and something drew her to me. She could have made her purchases and never asked about my girls. It really makes me think that just maybe Sophia, Ellie, and *C* are together somewhere and wanted their mamas to meet.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that story…I think it is amazing and needed to write about it before I forgot! So, onto the winner…

Using random.org, the lucky winner is number 8, Susan at Our Lives Forever Changed. Congratulations Susan! You mentioned wanting the ornament because you don’t wear jewelry, but there are other options. Contact me and we will discuss it!! Thank you all for entering and for your kind comments about my little shop. You really are all so sweet!

Day 20…Two more giveaways today! Let’s go see Nolan’s mama, Ashley, at A Ruby Family. Ashley is such a sweetie and she has a smile that must light up the room…at least that is what I think from her pictures!! Go on over and see what she’s been up to and what she is offering today! We’re also going to visit Jonathan’s mommy again, Jessica, but this time it will be at Forever Remembered Photo Collages. Jessica is kind enough to do two giveaways this year…isn’t that sweet? Go check out her talents and what she is giving away today. Good luck and see you tomorrow!!

day 19

2010-12-19T00:52:00.001-08:00

It has been so wonderful to meet new people and read new stories through these giveaways, but I am having a little problem. I have been trying to follow these new blogs, but I can’t…when I try to follow nothing happens. I think I may be maxed out on the number of blogs I follow (that is just really sad on many levels!) Can anyone give me some advice or a clue on how to fix or get around this? I hate to meet you all and then not be able to find you again! Thanks!

Now for today’s giveaways!! Let’s go visit Rebekah Joy’s mommy, Karen, at Gott Joy! Whenever I read Karen’s blog, I always get a sense of peace from her, even when she writes of her pain and sorrows. She is a lovely lady and mother to all her children. Go on over and see what she is giving away today and maybe you will leave with a little peace too!

Our next stop will be at Jaxon, Courtney, and Colin’s mama, Rachel, at Triplet Butterfly Wings. Rachel is a wonderful woman who does so many great things! I am honored to have her as a friend and fortunate to have her in my life. Go check out her giveaway and see all the lovely things she does while you’re there! Good luck and see you all tomorrow!

day 18

2010-12-17T23:03:00.001-08:00

Oh goodness…1 week until Christmas!!!! That means seven more giveaways after today…well that's not exactly true! There are actually 12 more because many of the days have two in one day! So for today we are going to visit Riley & Peyton’s mama, Jessica, at Too Beautiful for Earth. Jessica is a very talented woman who makes beautiful memorial art pieces. You can check out her shop here. One of my favorite items is her angel plaques. I love the way the wings wrap around the baby’s name…really, too beautiful!

Our second giveaway for today is from me. I really don’t know what to give away. I hate making this decision! I have recently had the honor of making a couple Christmas Ornaments for some very special babies this year. (I would post pictures, but just don’t have the energy to download them right now!) So I could make an ornament for the lucky winner, but I just don’t know if it will get to you before Christmas. I could do a gift certificate to my shop, but that seems impersonal to me. I could choose an item, but what if its not what the winner wants?!? See my dilemma? I think I will let you decide. To enter, leave a comment telling me what you would like to win…an ornament, gift certificate, or tell me the item from my shop that you would like to have. You can check it our here. Hope you can find something you like!!

Don’t forget to check back here tomorrow for 2 more giveaways!!!

:::

So we survived Disneyland. We really had a wonderful time. The weather was good, it wasn’t too crowded, Gigi was perfect! Really, she didn’t cry the entire time we were there (and it was a looong time!) I, however, did have tears in my eyes. We were on It’s a Small World and Gigi was loving it. She was moving her head from side to side looking at all the lively and bright things. Brady and Emma were also soaking it all in and all of us were just really content. I thought to myself how lucky I am to have such wonderful children and then it hit me…How different this picture could have been. How we should have Sophia and Ellie there with us too. I could picture the chaos our family would have been in. To have two toddlers there on top of everyone else would have been fun, probably pretty comical, but still fun. It hurts to know they will never get to be a part of these perfect moments. They should be. They should be here with us enjoying it all too. It just isn’t right, but I have no way of fixing it. I miss them, plain and simple, I just miss them.

day 17

2010-12-17T05:19:00.001-08:00

Two more giveaways today!! First lets visit Dylan’s parents, Jus and Kat, at In Dylan’s Memory. They have a very beautiful item they are so generously giving to someone…go take a look at it, you will love it! Then lets go see Lucia’s mother, Angie, again at Still Life 365. This is Angie’s second giveaway, the first was on her personal blog, today it is on her art blog for bereaved parents and family members. If you haven’t been there yet, go see all the amazing things our community does in memory of our little ones. Good luck and see you tomorrow (and a huge YAY for me because today is the last day of work for two weeks!!!)

day 16

2010-12-15T23:57:00.001-08:00

just.got.home…TIRED! Today we are going to see Maddie’s mama, Angie, at Little Footprints. Angie is great! One thing I love about her is that she always comments to her commenters (not sure that is a real word, but I’m too tired to figure it out!) Go see Jamie and what she is giving away today. We are also visiting Vincent’s mommy, Jamie, at Week by Week. I am new to Jamie’s blog, but it is great to read because she always posts a picture or two that make me smile. Go peek at her giveaway too! Good luck and check back here tomorrow!!

day 15

2010-12-14T23:08:00.000-08:00

I am REALLY hoping this worked and this post I scheduled is up…if you are reading it I guess it did! We are actually out of town right now. We have played hooky and are taking the kids to Disneyland…I’m not sure if we’re sane or not, I guess I’ll let you know tomorrow!! Today we have TWO more giveaways! Go on over and see Bridgitte & Ashlyn's mama, Heather, at Two In Heaven One on Earth. Whenever I read Heather’s posts, I often feel like she has taken the words right from my very own head. I can really relate to her pain and loss, maybe it's just a twin thing, maybe its more, but I appreciate Heather and her words. Our second stop will be at Henry’s mama, Mindy, at Dear Henry August. I am new to Mindy’s blog and her story, but I will tell you when I have visited, I have left with tears in my eyes because her story is so beautifully written. Go check out both of these wonderful women and I will see you here tomorrow, that is if we survive Disneyland with a 13 year old, 6 year old, and 6 month old, and not to mention my crabby in large crowds husband! Oh well, I’m sure it will be great fun, after all it is the happiest place on earth right???? (Is that a guarantee?) Good luck!

day 14

2010-12-13T23:08:00.001-08:00

Fourteen down, eleven more to go! Today we are visiting Adelle’s mommy, Mary, at The Youngs. Mary is a lovely lady who honors her precious daughter with the graceful things she writes. Go on over and take a peek at what she is giving away today. Good luck and we will see you tomorrow!

day 13

2010-12-12T22:29:00.001-08:00

We are over half way done!!! Yikes…that means I only have 12 more days to finish my shopping?!? (insert huge sigh here!) Oh well, onto the next giveaway…that will make me feel better! Today we are going on over to see Lukas’ mom, Mary, at Nobody Knows It But Me How I’m Missing Lukas. I enjoy reading Mary’s blog, she always has interesting things to write about. But one of the things I appreciate about her is that she always seems to learn form her experiences. That is sometimes hard to do when you have experienced something so painful as the loss of a child, we all know that. Go on over and take a peek at what she is offering today and while you are there, maybe you’ll learn something too! See you tomorrow! Good luck!

day 12

2010-12-12T07:17:00.001-08:00

So sorry I’m late…I tried to sleep in a bit this morning! Today we are visiting Carleigh’s mama, Holly, at Caring for Carleigh. Holly is amazing and honors her babes in such beautiful ways. Go on over and check her giveaway out! Also, Amanda didn’t get her post up until later yesterday due to some technical issues. So, go visit her quickly, she is leaving her giveaway open for a little longer today. Have fun and good luck! See you tomorrow!

day 11

2010-12-10T22:52:00.001-08:00

Here we meet again! Today we have TWO more giveaways…I get so excited when we have two in one day! Its just like icing on top of the cupcake I guess! Go on over and see Hannah’s mommy, Katy, at In Hannah’s Honor. Katy is a lovely lady who gives so much to other mothers like herself. She is also very crafty, you can see some of her wonderful creations here. Our next stop is Adison & Lillian’s mama, Amanda, at What’s Cooking…Or Not! Amanda is a very funny lady. Every time I read her blog, I always laugh out loud at something she has written! Go on over and check out both of these giveaways and you know what to do tomorrow! Good luck!

day 10

2010-12-09T22:20:00.001-08:00

Awww, day 10, almost half way there! But I don’t think I want them to end!!! Today we are going to head on over to Chase’s mommy, Christy, at A Piece of the Pearsons. Christy is a wonderful lady who I am lucky enough to consider a friend. I love reading her post because she always writes so honestly…the good, the bad, or the ugly, she is always honest. Go take a look at what she id giving away today! Don't’ forget, check back here tomorrow and good luck!

day 9

2010-12-08T23:49:00.001-08:00

I can’t believe all of the AWESOME things that have been given away so far! Seriously, your giveaways have been wonderful!! Today, on the ninth day, we visit Lucia’s mama, Angie, at Still Life with Circles. Angie is so talented. She is a WONDERFUL painter. I have seen her artwork first hand in the traveling journal she put in motion. I secretly wanted to ~~steal~~ borrow the beautiful painting she included in the journal, but decided to keep it in its rightful spot. Angie is also a fabulous writer and was just featured in a book about baby loss. Go on over and check out her blog to read more about it. Thanks Angie for all you do! Good luck everyone, see you tomorrow, same time (approximately), same place!

day 8

2010-12-07T23:03:00.001-08:00

Today we will be visiting Amelia’s mama, Stephanie, at Carried Through Grief. Stephanie is an amazing woman and artist. She is very talented and you can see her beautiful paintings here. I hope you are enjoying the giveaways. I think they have all been so wonderful! Thank you for participating and don’t forget…check back here tomorrow! Good luck!

day 7

2010-12-06T23:52:00.001-08:00

Two special ladies are doing two special giveaways today! Emma & Chase’s mommy, Jill, at Footprints on Our Heart is hosting one. Jill is a very special person who does so much for others. You can take a look at one of her projects here. Today’s other giveaway is being done by Alexandra’s mommy, Maggie, at Butterflies for Alexandra. Maggie is such a sweet woman who offers so much support to those around her. Thanks ladies for hosting today’s giveaways! Now go on over and see what they have to offer and don’t forget to check back here tomorrow for day 8!!

day 6

2010-12-05T22:53:00.001-08:00

So are we having fun yet??? I know I am!! For day six, head on over to What the Future Holds. Jessica is Jonathan’s mommy and is a lovely lady with a huge heart! Jessica also makes beautiful collages of our babies and will be hosting another giveaway on that blog a little later. So go ahead and check out what she has to offer today. Good luck and check back here tomorrow for another great giveaway or two!!

day 5

2010-12-05T01:23:00.001-08:00

Today we visit Jenna’s mommy , Franchesca, at Small Bird Studios. I can’t wait to see what Fran is offering today! She has sooo many different talents and I know whatever she does will be fabulous, whether is be a pretty flourish, some blog design, a hope collage, (I could keep going here, but you get the picture of how wonderful she is right???) Go check it out and also take a look in her flourish shop…you will LOVE it!!! Good luck!

Christmas cards from shutterfly

2010-12-05T01:11:00.001-08:00

Yesterday we had our family pictures taken for our Christmas cards. I know…its a little bit late, but our original plan didn’t work out because of weather conditions here in sunny California! Taking pictures always tugs at my heartstrings because Sophia & Ellie aren’t here to be in them. This year, though we had sweet Gigi, and focusing on her made it a little easier. Just trying to get her to look in the right direction took all our energy. But even though my mind was distracted, I still missed my girls. I thought of what it would be like seeing the two of them toddle around, trying to keep them away from all the unsafe things. Where would they have been positioned in the pictures this year? Would Hutch & I each need to hold one of them? That thought brings tears to my eyes because I so badly wish we could hold them. I wish they were here to be in our pictures.

Last year I included them in our cards. I used Shutterfly to design our cards and I was so pleased with them. You can view them by clicking here. I plan on including the girls again this year and thanks to Carly have the perfect way to do that. I can’t wait to get our images and out it all together. You can check out all of Shutterfly's Christmas Cards here. I have already picked some of my favorites. Here they are:

I love the fun colors in these cards. The girls and I word pink so the first two will be a great match to us. The second two are so clean and classic. I love the flourish designs on them! Now I just have to decide!!

I recently used Shutterfly to make a photobook of Gigi's first few months. It is so stinkin' cute! You should also see all of their very unique gift selection. They have things like photo jewelry, ornaments, sticker...lots of fun stuff!! I also think I am going to have some Thank You cards made with the kids' picture to send out after Christmas. Too cute!!!

If you are a blogger you can get 50 Free Christmas Cards, click here for more information. If you don’t blog Shutterfly always has great discounts, right now they are offering 20% off!

day 4

2010-12-04T01:04:00.001-08:00

Wow…the fourth day already?!? I think everything is going smoothly now. I had some major issues and confusion, but I think I have figured it all out…wheh!

We have TWO more giveaways today…yep TWO again! Go take a look at Holly’s blog, Lost For Words. Holly is Freja’s mommy and is another talented photographer. Go see what she is giving away today!

Our second stop is at Bree’s blog at My Baby Butterfly Ella. Bree is Ella’s mommy and is a dear friend to me. She offers so much support and comfort to so many of us moms. Go check her and her giveaway out too!

Good luck and see you tomorrow!!

day 3

2010-12-03T00:26:00.001-08:00

I am soooo sorry about yesterday's giveaway. I tried to post a new giveaway from my phone, but it obviously wasn’t working. When I got home, our internet was down and couldn’t do it then either. So anyway…so sorry it didn’t work out, but now on to day 3!!

Today’s giveaway is being hosted by Lareina at Surviving Without My Little Man. Lareina is mommy to sweet little Kaelen. She is a wonderful photographer who can do some pretty amazing things with that lens of hers. Go on over and take a peek at what she is offering today. Good luck and see you back here tomorrow!!!

a winner and day two

2010-12-02T05:11:00.001-08:00

And the winner is……Bethany at See You on the Moon. Congratulations Bethany!!!! I’m soooo jealous!!! Please send me your contact info so I can forward it to Angela.

For the second day of giveaways we are going to visit Nicholas’ mommy, Lea, at Nicholas’ Touch. Lea is such a kind and gentle woman who makes the most lovely angel wings in memory of our babies. Hop on over and take a look at what she is giving away today. While you are visiting, leave Lea a little extra love, I think her heart needs it right now.

Check back tomorrow to see where to go next! Good luck!!

25 days of giveaways!!! Day 1

2010-11-30T21:17:00.001-08:00

First of all I would like to thank you for visiting and participating in the giveaways this year. Last year, when I had this crazy idea, I never thought it would turn into something like this. It was much bigger than I ever thought and it brought a little bit of happiness into some very dark days for so many of us. It also connected me to many new moms who were on my same path. This year I am in a much better place. Oh I still miss my Sophia & Ellie with all my heart, but things are different; easier somehow. I know those of you who are new to this journey may not believe that things will ever be easier or that you will ever feel better, but you will. I still have my moments where the pain is so intense, but I am still better. Better emotionally, but just better in general for having these sweet, beautiful babies in my life. I really do feel so lucky to be their mommy.

Okay, okay enough with my babbling! I know what you all came for…

The FIRST day of giveaways! Today there will be two places to visit and enter to win something special. Go on over and visit Florence’s mommy, Jeanette, at Lazy Seamstress and look at all the lovely things she makes! Wow, I wish I could be her for just one day…she is sooo incredibly talented.

Your second stop is right here…my blog. I’m not giving away anything from my shop today…you will have to check back later for that. I have something very exciting…I don’t even really want to tell you what it is! Maybe I’ll just keep it for myself! Okay, well I can’t do that because its really not mine to keep.

I ran across a wonderful site one day, Simply Silhouettes. I was looking around at all their wonderful items and saw a link to My First Silhouette, ultrasound art. These wonderful people turn ultrasound pictures into beautiful works of art. Need I say anymore? How amazing is this?!?!? A way to capture a true picture of my girls. Don’t get me wrong, I ADORE their sketch, but to have a real picture would be amazing!!!

Okay..back to the giveaway! I’m really not one who likes to ask people for things, but I thought, “What do I have to lose?” I contacted the company and they so generously agreed to donate an 8x10 gallery wrapped canvas for this giveaway! (Thank you Angela!!!) Isn’t that amazing? (okay I have used amazing way too many times in this post!) Here are some examples of what they do:

See…I told you they are AMAZING!!! Go on over and check out their lovely sites. But, before you do, leave a comment here and tell me how wonderful this artwork is…I will randomly choose a winner soon, so hurry and see if you can think of another adjective besides mine to describe these pieces!

Don’t forget to check back here tomorrow to see where to go for the next giveaway!!

25 Days of Giveaways!

2010-11-28T19:53:00.000-08:00

I have the schedule done and sent out to everyone, but I am missing some e-mail addresses!!! If you plan on hosting a day and haven't heard from me, please e-mail me asap! I know I am missing these lovely ladies:

Mrs. A from What's Cooking...or Not
Lost for words
Jessica from 4 Plus an Angel
Mary from The Youngs
Heather from Two in Heaven One on Earth
Mindy from Dear Henry August
Crystal Teresa from Blessed To Be Broken

Check back on the first to see who is hosting the first giveaways...yes there are TWO!!!!

i wonder...

2010-11-17T20:21:00.000-08:00

if babies born at 21 weeks will ever have a chance to survive.

I hope so, I wish they would have 19 months ago.

Today is prematurity awareness day and it has my mind spinning. Just thinking all the what ifs again. I know it doesn't do any good and I know I will never have the answers, but I still think them. I still want to know if there was something that could have prevented my preterm labor. I wish there would have been...

I wore purple today and asked a couple friends at work to do so too for me and my girls...they did. I was also touched that a couple more friends who I didn't mention it to, but read my fb status wore purple too. There was just a handful of us, but they did it for me, for Sophia & Ellie, and that just makes me...happy, I guess.

So the 25 Days of Giveaways is happening and I will get the schedule set up and e-mailed to those of you who are hosting a day as soon as I can, hopefully before Thanksgiving. The first giveaway will be December 1st, so mark your calenders!!

25 Days of Giveaways!

2010-11-07T21:57:00.000-08:00

In case you haven't heard, the 25 Days of Giveaways is definitely happening!!! Please help to spread the word and grab the button for your blog! (Thanks Angie for the artwork and thanks Fran for helping make the button!!) If you are interested in hosting a day, please let me know. I am sooo excited about one of the giveaways I am doing...you will have to stay tuned to see it, but I really don't know how long I can keep it a secret!!!!!!!!! Thanks to all of you for making this possible for the second year. xx

heavy heart

2010-11-05T21:30:00.001-07:00

I have a heavy heart…I suppose I always will, but sometimes it just hurts more than others and I don’t know why. I think it is just grief’s nasty way. I should be excited, I should be happy, I should be anxious…tomorrow I am meeting some other blm’s and I really am excited, but I still hurt too. Maybe it is the closeness of us all (if that makes any sense) that has my mind wrapped around my girls and unable to let go. I just miss them, I just want them here, I just want them out of the ground, I just need them in arms, safe and sound. I need to wake up and this all be a horrible nightmare, but it’s not going away…ever.

So, tomorrow…I am going down south to meet Rachel, Bree, maybe Tiffany, and a couple other’s that I don’t think I know yet. I am so excited to be meeting these wonderful ladies face to face.

25 Days of Giveaways is definitely on!!!! If you commented about hosting a day I have you penciled in (that’s a lie, I haven’t planned any of it yet, but I will) for your day to host a giveaway. I will be contacting all of you soon and I will kickoff the first giveaway December 1st. So glad you all are looking forward to this again, as I am too. Please help to spread the word so we can brighten everyone’s days this season.

Love you girls!! xx, Mommy

25 days of giveaways???

2010-10-24T15:10:00.001-07:00

When I think back to this time last year I can see just how far I have come. Last year I was dreading the holidays. I needed something in my life to bring a little bit of joy every day. I needed something to occupy my thoughts and my time. That is why I did the 25 Days of Giveaways. I am in such a better place now, but I know another holiday season without Sophia & Ellie is still going to hurt. I know for so many other people this will be the first holiday season without their babies and if I, I mean we, can help to spread some joy to others, then I would love to take this on again. Please give me your thoughts and feedback. I have so little extra time right now, so I am going to have to be extra organized and if no one feels it is really necessary, then I just won’t do it and that will be okay with me too. However, if you are interested, if you feel it helped to brighten your days last year, or if you would like to host a day, please let me know so I can star making arrangements!

Speaking of the holiday season (yes i know we haven’t even hit Halloween yet!) I received our first ornaments of 2010 today. A nice little surprise from my parents.

All my children

My sweet Sophia & Ellie

Thanks mom and dad for always remembering!

October 15th and random things

2010-10-16T08:26:00.001-07:00

Where to begin…

First of all, I did get my page done in Angie’s Travelling Journal, but just didn’t get around to posting a picture until now.

This was so hard for me because all the other women had included a beautiful painting, or creative scrapbook page…I don’t paint and scrapbooking takes too much time. But I do know how to stamp jewelry, so that is what I decided to stick with even though it may be unconventional. The words on the larger silver disc and the negative feelings that come to mind when I think of the events surrounding my girls’ deaths. On the gold inner disc are the positive things I feel when I think of my beautiful babies. The capital letters on the outer disc spell SOPHIA and ELLIE. So this is my creation for the journal…no one will ever wear it but it is my expression of feelings through art.

::::::

When I was pregnant with Gigi, I worried about her living in Sophia’s & Ellie’s shadow. I thought I may have negative feelings about her being here and them not. I thought it may be hard to love her without thinking of them. Since having Gigi, I have not experienced any of these things. Yes, as I was giving birth I cried because I was thinking of giving birth to Sophia & Ellie and how sad that was, but I also cried because I was welcoming our new one into the word. Yes, after bringing her home I looked at their pictures and tried to compare her to them to see if they look alike. Yes, when Gigi was having a hard time nursing I wondered how in the world I could have handled TWO babies. But my love for them and my love for her are two distinct things. I love all three of them, just like I love the two that came before them.

::::::

Yesterday…the 15th. It in a way angers me that the whole month of October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, yet no one seems to know. Even people in real life who have lost babies don’t know about it, even the cemetery that has a whole section dedicated to babies doesn't’ seem to know. We share this month with Breast Cancer Awareness, but I think we definitely get overshadowed. And really…who on this planet isn’t aware of breast cancer? I wish more was done to raise awareness of pregnancy and infant loss and I guess it is up to us to do that. And…I think we (all of us) have done a great job doing this. Every time I check fb, someone has posted something about the topic and I think it is a great way to get the word out there to all who do not know about the pain this type of loss causes so many people every day.

::::::

Last night we went to the cemetery. Along with my wonderful helpers, I put a candle on most (I sadly ran out) of the headstones. We lit the candles and let them burn for an hour, I wanted to let them burn all night, but was afraid of catching the cemetery on fire…not a good thing! So as I fed Gigi in the car, my helpers sadly went through and blew out all the candles, all but Sophia’s and Ellie’s. As we lit the candles I thought of all your babies. I don’t know any of the babies in this cemetery but mine, and I was lighting those candles for them too, but I was thinking of all of you and your babies and thankful that I have found each and everyone of you because you have all touched me in some way.

::::::

The amazing Debby at For Your Tears is doing a giveaway in honor of October 15th. She is offering a gift certificate to my etsy shop. Go on over and leave her a comment to enter to win. There is also a special discount code you can get there if you want to place an order this weekend. But hurry because I don’t know when she is choosing a winner!!

::::::

Missing you always sweet ones. xoxo, Mommy

catching up

2010-09-19T13:40:00.001-07:00

I wish I had more time to write, I need more time to write, but it just isn’t possible right now. At this very moment I have about 100 other things I should be doing…oh well. I have really been missing my girls. I was reading a math problem to my students the other day and the name Sophia was in it. It happens all the time and then it gets me thinking. I think about Sophia & Ellie all the time, they are always there in my mind, just like my other children. But then there are the moments when I think about the events that surround their deaths. I know when Ellie was born, she was gone. I am quite certain of this. However, I think Sophia may have still been alive. Nothing was done to try and resuscitate the girls and I am okay with that I guess. I am at peace knowing that they were far too young to live. But I often feel like if I just would have known that Sophia was alive, her heart was beating, I would have done something differently. I would have talked to her, or kissed her right away or held her differently. I hate not knowing and I can’t remember if they told me she was gone…I just don’t know. I feel like that is what they said to me, but after holding her for several minutes, she moved, more like her limbs jerked, and I remember a NICU nurse telling me it was normal and it wasn’t her moving, just blah, blah, blah (I really don’t remember what her reasons were.) It hurts to think that she may have been alive and I treated her as if she had already died.

In my last post I talked about my page for the traveling journal. I am still working on it, but had a minor issue that I still need to resolve. I hope to get it finished today and in the mail very soon. As soon as it is finished I will post a picture. I also wrote about a giveaway. I am currently having 2 giveaways on my fb page. If you are already a fan, you will be automatically entered to win a Tiny Cup necklace. There is a second giveaway I am doing for a gift certificate to my shop. To enter all you have to do is leave a comment on my fb page. I will be choosing a winner for each giveaway on Wednesday, so if you are interested in entering you still have time ( and I would love for one of you to win.)

And Gigi…she is wonderful. I am so happy she is here and can’t believe how quickly she is growing. I just wish her big sisters were here too.

Now off to work on my to-do list…yuck!!

edd

2010-09-10T00:33:00.000-07:00

Saturday, September 4th was one year since my EDD with Sophia & Ellie. Passing this date really made me think of what my life should be like. I should definitely have two 1 year old little girls running around our house right now. I should be overwhelmed with all the things it takes to parent two little ones. Our home should be filled with their giggles and chattering. My heart should be overflowing with joy. Instead, our home is quieter, my heart is still broken, and our arms will never be as full as they should be, simple because they are not here.

On Saturday I received a very lovely package in the mail…the Still Life 365 traveling journal. When I got the package I was filled with emotion. I had something in my possession that other mothers who have too walked this path have held in their hands. This package and it’s contents have traveled the world uniting us in our losses and in our healing. I have to tell you the pieces of art in this journal are AMAZING!!!!! I am in awe of the talent these women have. I am not an artist like they are artists. I don’t paint or draw…my skills in these areas are very inadequate! I must admit that I am a little intimidated to put my page in this beautiful book. However, I have a plan and I hope it turns out like the image I have in my head…we will see! Stay tuned for some pictures this weekend!

wishing

2010-08-27T19:41:00.000-07:00

Today was a terrible day. Every morning is crazy around here...trying to get all of us out of the house and to school on time is no easy task! We barely made it today, and then as I was walking to my classroom I see it...a double stroller. Inside the double stroller were two sweet baby girls, with adorable bows in their hair, and just as cute as can be. It hurt, I know I've said it before, but it just hurts. Why can't that be my life? Why? I don't understand. The vision of those little lovelies has been in my head all day and the tears have been in my eyes.

Wishing you were here with us Sophia & Ellie. xo

a quote

2010-08-23T19:48:00.000-07:00

Read this on a fb friend's status today:

"When we are crushed like grapes, we cannot think of the wine we will become. The sorrow overwhelms us, makes us throw ourselves on the ground, face down, and sweat drops of blood. Then we need to be reminded that our cup of sorrow is also our cup of joy and that one day we will be able to taste the joy as fully as we now taste the sorrow.” ~H. Nouwen~"

Not sure what it is reference to, but it makes me think of our losses. This fb friend also had a daughter who was born still many, many years ago. She has been and still is a huge comfort to me. Hmmm, I wonder...

So much to say, so little time to write it. Thinking of you all and reading when I can. Went back to work last week; first day of school today; HATE being away from Gigi; hoping it is all temporary. Wednesday will be 16 months since Sophia & Ellie were in my arms; still missing and loving them; so sad they are not here; so happy they were here. Still want to share Gigi's birth story; can't believe she is almost 3 months old; I want time to just STOP! That's all I have time for now; hope to get back here soon...feeling a giveaway may come soon!

remembering

2010-08-19T22:00:00.001-07:00

Always loving and remembering you girls.

xoxo,

Mommy

the 25th and some advertising

2010-07-30T08:52:00.001-07:00

Last Sunday was the 25th…another month gone by, another month without Sophia and Ellie. One may think it would get easier with each passing month, but it really doesn’t. It still hurts and my heart is always so heavy, just knowing that life keeps moving on without my girls. However, I do have so much to be thankful for and I think those things help to bring me out of the sadness.

Last month I didn’t make it to the cemetery on the 25th. I had so much guilt for not being able to go. I know it is okay, we went a couple days later, but this is one of the few things I can do for my girls and to miss it, to not go out there and put some fresh flowers in their vase, just made me feel so sad.

There is a new blog in town…Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. If you haven’t been there, I highly recommend you check it out. Kristin is the mastermind behind this brilliant idea. It is a way for people in our community to come together, share our stories, and support one another. Its also a way to bring awareness to the issue of pregnancy and infant loss. Right now there is a GIVEAWAY taking place on the faces blog. You can grab the button and make a few suggestions to enter…and you just might win a gift certificate to my etsy shop!!

Speaking of etsy shops; I sent out Gigi’s birth announcements a couple weeks ago. Ashlee at Grady Bug Designs designed the announcement for me. We used Gigi’s 2 week pictures, I gave her a few of my thoughts, and this is what she came up with:

They are BEAUTIFUL!! I couldn't be happier with how they turned out. Ashlee sent me the file and my photographer sent them to the lab to be printed. Another great thing about them is the envelope! Now I must confess, I do get pretty excited about a great envelope (yes I know that is kind of weird!) To me its like wrapping paper for a card! These came with a see through velum envelope, so when people received them, they could see Gigi’s sweet face right away.

I really wanted a way to include Sophia and Ellie on the announcement. If you click of the back (the color side) of the card you may be able to see it. After all of Gigi’s information it says:

“Welcomed with love by Hutch, Tina, Brady, and Emma

Watched form above by Sophia and Ellie”

If you are a photographer, I highly recommend checking out Ashlee’s shop. She was wonderful to work with and has many unique designs and templates. If you aren’t a photographer, I bet she would be willing to do a custom design for you with your pictures for something special.

Okay, enough advertising from me today. Wishing you all a peaceful weekend!

nicu

2010-07-24T16:39:00.001-07:00

I don't know if you have seen it yet, but there is a new program on Discovery Health called NICU. If you had a baby in the NICU, or if you had a very premature baby, you may want to avoid this program at all costs. I started to watch it, then thought better of it because it was such a harsh reminder of how tiny my perfect babies were.

fear

2010-07-22T14:26:00.001-07:00

Since we brought Gigi home I’ve been scared. Scared that something is going to happen to her. I’m not usually a paranoid person, but now I can feel it creeping in at times. I have thoughts several times throughout the day of something happening to her. Just random things, accidents, like her head being bumped on the pointy corner of the cabinet in our foyer. Or me tripping and dropping her. These aren’t visions or thoughts of me wanting to hurt her, I want to make that very clear. These are just random thoughts as I am going throughout my day of something bad happening. I am not lacking confidence of mothering an infant (a teenager on the other hand is something I would need to write a whole other post on!) I’m just afraid of her getting hurt, or even worse, of losing another baby. I am going to assume this may be normal for people like us whose lives have taken such unexpected turns with our children in the past. At least that is what I am telling myself…

And here she is at 2 weeks:

Photo album created with Smilebox

neighbors

2010-07-12T08:00:00.001-07:00

I was driving home yesterday and as I turned onto our street I noticed a lot of cars at our neighbors’ house. As I got closer, I saw some balloons tied to the pillars out front. Then I saw it, the “Happy 1st Birthday” sign on the front door. Our next door neighbors’ were having a first birthday party for their twins. And it hit me…that should be us right now. WE should be having that party. I lost it for a moment because it all still hurts so badly to know they are not here with us, they will never have a real birthday party, I wont get to see them take their first steps, go to their first day of school, all those milestones you enjoy as parents.

I still miss my girls so much. I will admit that I am so busy these days that I don’t have a lot of time to let my mind go to the “what ifs” and “should have beens” and I guess that is a good thing. But sometimes the empty feeling still creeps in just from knowing they are gone.

I have so much to write, but no time to do it. I will try to get my thoughts down soon because I need to get them out of my head. I am checking your blogs when I can. I don’t always leave a comment, especially when I am reading from my phone, but I am still here and still thinking of all of you and your sweet babies.

Introducing….

2010-06-09T11:55:00.001-07:00

Gigi Elia

Born June 2, 2010

At 3:56 p.m.

7 pounds 13 ounces 21 1/4 inches

Last Wednesday we welcomed our little Gigi into the world. She is doing well and is a very sweet baby. I am completely in love with her. However, as much as my heart is filled with joy, parts of it are still so empty. Having Gigi has made me realize all the things I will never do with Sophia & Ellie; all the things they will never be a part of, all the things I will miss with them, with two babies. I have had a few moments where I thought, “Oh my gosh! This is so hard with just Gigi, how would I have handled it with Sophia & Ellie?” But I know I would have, it would have been challenging, but we would have managed and loved every second of it (well, almost!) But for now I am just loving life, the good with the ~~bad~~ not so good, because it has brought us to where we are today…and that is a pretty good place. I was feeding Gigi a couple days ago and looking at the girls’ sketch, trying to decide if she resembles them. I was overcome with such a warm feeling and at that moment I knew my girls are so happy and proud to be a big sister to little Gigi. I think they especially like that her middle name is a combination of their names. I wish they were here with us welcoming home our new little on, but I guess they are doing that from above.

I will write more details and post more pics later, I just wanted you all to know she is here!!

13 months

2010-05-25T10:09:00.001-07:00

Today is 13 months. I wonder if the 25th of every month will ever have a different meaning for me. If I will ever wake up on this day of the month and not think about how long Sophia & Ellie have been gone. I think I know the answer to this and really I am okay because it has become somewhat of a ritual for me and another day for me to always remember my daughters.

Having passed the 1 year mark, I do feel better. I feel as if a weight has been lifted from me. I am still sad, it still hurts, I still cry. I don’t think those things will ever stop happening, but maybe acceptance has started to settle in. Then there are those moments when I start thinking of what should have been. Or when I see a baby (or twins) that would be around their same age. It is really hard not to let those thoughts take over, but I guess that is part of the grief we live with.

Things have been very busy around here. Emma’s 6th birthday was last Friday, her party was Saturday, lots of end of the school year activities going on, doctor’s appointments, and now we are just waiting for Baby G to arrive. Still are unsure of a name, but your input has really helped! Two of my dear girlfriends threw a surprise baby shower for me…it was a HUGE SURPRISE!! They knew I didn’t want a shower, but it was so nice. Very small with just close family and friends and really perfect in every way…except someone could have told me to dress a little nicer!! So that got the ball rolling for me to start getting things ready for the baby. I’m not quite all the way there yet, but it will happen and for now we just wait. Really hoping it happens soon though…keeping my fingers crossed, there is a full moon Thursday!!

artist of the week

2010-05-13T08:11:00.000-07:00

I am being featured as "Artist of the Week" at Small Bird Studio. Go on over and take a peek and enter the GIVEAWAY for my etsy shop!! And while you're there, take a look at little Jenna's baby brother Joseph...soooo cute!!

and the winner is...

2010-05-11T21:51:00.000-07:00

Commenter number 15...Rikki!!!!! Yay Rikki! E-mail me and we will work out the details for your necklace! Congratulations!

I have a lot to write (I think) but not very much time to do it right now. But I do want to let you know that I am extending the 15% off of any purchase in my shop until midnight (pst) on Wednesday, May 12th. So that gives you the rest of today to use this discount if you are interested!

mother's day giveaway

2010-05-10T08:05:00.000-07:00

Don't forget...the giveaway ends tomorrow (Tuesday.) If you haven't entered yet, go to my last post to read about itand then leave a comment there to enter to win!! Good luck!

thanks & mother’s day giveaway

2010-05-08T10:34:00.001-07:00

Thank you for all your help with the choices I have ahead of me. Please keep the advice coming, because I still am unsure of so many things!!

To clear a few things up on the names, Gigi is pronounced just like the letters GG. Elia is like the beginning of Ellie and the ending of Sophia. Gia is like the letter G followed by the short /u/sound. And Gracie I think is self explanatory. I have created a poll on the side bar, so you can be anonymously honest and vote on which one you like best if you would like to. Thanks for the input you have given me so far…it has really helped ease my mind with the possible names we have chose.

Ok…now for Mother’s Day. Last year Mother’s Day was extremely difficult. It had only been 2 weeks and one day since I had the girls. I think I was numb. I did the usual things we always do, but just felt empty inside. We did add one more thing to the day and that was a visit to the cemetery, I never thought I would be visiting a cemetery on Mother’s Day to be with my children. How quickly life can change. I really don’t know how I managed to even get out of bed and function on last year, but I did. This year is different. The pain isn’t as raw. It still hurts to know that all my children aren’t here to celebrate this special day with me, but I think I am accepting it…kind of. I feel caught in limbo. Caught between missing Sophia & Ellie and all the things we would be doing with them right now and between accepting this new baby into our lives. It is a weird position to be in and I don’t really know how to describe it. It is almost like my heart is in two different places, still grieving for the ones I am missing and yet so full of love for the one I am going to meet soon.

I hope you all have a peaceful Mother’s Day. I hope you are recognized for the wonderful mothers you are to all of your children, whether they are here on Earth or soaring in the sky. To let you know that I appreciate you as the mother you are and the friend you have been to be, I am doing a giveaway. Someone IRL asked me to make a necklace for her. She has experienced losses of her own and wanted something to honor those lives. This heart is stamped with a line from a poem written by e.e. cummings:

i carry your heart

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I think this poem beautifully describes what many of us who have lost children feel. Our babies are with us wherever we go. What we do, they do, what we feel, they feel…we carry them anywhere we go.

To enter to win this necklace, just leave me a comment. I will be randomly choosing a winner on Tuesday, May 11th. And just in case you didn’t get the perfect gift you were hoping for, you can order from my etsy shop and save 15% off any order now through Tuesday. Just enter code MDBLM in message to seller.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you.

To my sweet Sophia & Ellie,

You girls have made me the mother I am today. I love you for all you have brought to my life. Although you two are missing from it, if not for you, I would be missing so much more.

I love you!!

xo,

Mommy

help me please!! :)

2010-05-06T10:59:00.001-07:00

Okay…here is what I need your help with. I have many of the big items I need to bring baby girl home. No, they are not out of the closet, not cleaned, not set up, but I do have them. However, it has been nearly 6 years since I have brought a baby home and it amazes me how many things have changed, so I need some advice from those of you who are doing this now or have done it more recently than me. Please feel free to give me your input on the items I am struggling with making a decision on and anything else you may think I need to know!!

First of all…I need a diaper bag. I have no idea what I want. I have looked at Pet.unia Pick.le Bott.om and like theirs, but just don’t know what else is out there. I want something cute and fashionable, but not over the top…it is after all a diaper bag.

Next, a sling. I was going to buy this baby sling from Ser.ena & Li.ly. It was on sale even! But the sale ended on April 25th, Sophia & Ellie’s birthday, and I forgot to order it. So now I am thinking about what else is out there…what slings have you used, who makes a good one, who doesn’t? I just don’t know! And with the recent recall on slings, should I even be using one at all?

I also will be buying a new breast pump. I am looking at Med.ela’s which is what I used in the past, but want to know if you have tried anything that you maybe think is better. And if you have a recommendation, where did you purchase it?

I want a cover for the infant carrier I have. My carrier is black and gray, not very cool for the warm summer months ahead, so I want something to cover it. I know I could make a cover, but I really don’t feel like finding a pattern, getting the material, and figuring it all out right now. So if you know of a good brand, please let me know!

I have been looking at inclined sleepers too. Baby girl will be in a bassinette for the first ~~few~~ several months, actually she will probably end up in our bed, but I saw this sleeper and this one. They are very different, and I don’t know which one would be better to use! So please give me your thoughts!

And one last thing that we need some major help with…her name! Hutch & I NEVER agree on names. We have not had names for any of our children before they were born, not because we wanted to see what they looked like and then decide, just because we can never make a decision. Actually, we did have a name picked out for Brady, but we thought he was a girl, so we had to re-pick! Anyway, a few months ago I thought of a name…it is a little different, so I was apprehensive when I told Hutch about it. I asked him to have an open mind and think about it before reacting and saying NO! So I told him the name and he said he had been think of it too! So weird, but we had ~~watched~~ slept through a movie a few weeks prior to this and it was one of the character’s names, so I think it had been planted in our brains. Within in the next few days, I was at work. I have a crate that my students put their library books in when they are ready to be returned. I was teaching and happened to look in the basket and there sat a book titled with this same name. A little while later, I heard a girl at our school being called by this name, and then I was telling my hairdresser (we really haven’t told anyone IRL) about the name, she thought it was cute and we should go with it. After she put my color on, she was doing another client whose daughter is pregnant with a girl and they are going to call the baby this same name. So, you see, I keep getting these little signs, but we are still unsure. The name is unique, and to some it may sound more like a nickname or something you would name a pet, but I love it and keep coming back to it. Hutch has came up with an alternative that I really like too, but we still aren’t sure. He has also came up with a middle name that I love…see if you can figure out why! So here they are…please leave me your honest opinion, it will not offend me. I want to know what people think of it, so I know if I want to subject my child to it. Now you are all probably thinking it is really bad, so anyway here they are…

Original Name with Hutch's idea for a middle name: Gigi Elia

Alternative first name and middle name: Gia Gracie

Please give me your thoughts on all these things…I need all the help I can get right now! Baby girl will be here within the next 5 weeks and I really need to have things more ready than they are right now. Thanks for your opinions!!

April 25, 2010

2010-05-04T08:44:00.001-07:00

So Sunday morning I woke up and could feel the grief inside of me. It was hard to believe that exactly 365 days ago, I woke up not feeling well and a few hours later was in the hospital giving birth to my little girls. It was very hard for me not to replay moments from that day over and over in my head. I was also difficult not to imagine how different our lives would be if we could have just skipped that day last year…if our girls were born safely and were here with us. I could almost see them in our home; in our lives. Oh how I wish that were true.

Sunday morning I had a mass said for Sophia & Ellie. We went and although it wasn’t difficult to get through there were a couple times my mind wandered off to that day exactly one year ago I got teary eyed. However, I was able to control my emotions and got through the mass without a complete breakdown.

All morning it was hard not to look at the clock and think about what was happening last year at that moment..especially at 10:35 when sweet Sophia was born and again at 10:49 when precious Ellie was born. I really lost it at those moments, just to think of what was happening and reliving all that pain was hard.

At 12:00 we headed to the cemetery to get things ready. The girls’ marker needed to be cleaned and I needed to unload everything. Everyone arrived and at 1:00, I said a few teary words and we released the butterflies. The little stinkers must have been sleeping in their box, they really didn’t want to come out. A couple fluttered off right away, but most of them stayed in the box or close by, they loved the flowers and hung out there for a little while too.

Next we gave all of the kids 2 balloons, one pink and one purple. We sang happy birthday to Sophia & Ellie and sent them up into the sky to find their way to the sweet birthday girls. The kids really had a wonderful time…they loved the butterflies and thought the balloon release was pretty cool too.

We gave out the cupcakes with the cards attached and thanked everyone for coming and sharing this special day with us. I let them know that next year our plan is to do the March for Babies in honor of Sophia & Ellie, so plan on being on our team and raising lots of money. Our local event is always towards the end of April, so I think it will be a wonderful way to honor my girls year after year.

Everything really went smoothly, especially when you consider I didn’t have a plan in my mind. I was so touched that our family and friends chose to share this time with us…it really meant a lot to me. Even on Sunday, I was unsure if this was how I wanted to spend the day, but afterwards, I was very relieved and happy with my choices. I think being around so many people helped to ease my mind and the things I did really helped to occupy my thoughts.

I received some very special gifts for the girls on Sunday as well, very unexpected, but very special. My brother and sil gave us a beautiful figure of two babies together wrapped in angel wings…pictures will be coming later. My bil & sil had a star named after the girls. My friends gave us two heart shaped ivies. Another friend gave me a Birthday Cake scented candle and a beautiful outdoors plant that we planted this past weekend. My mom made a special floral arrangement…the container has two babies on it, one on each side. She used Gerber daisies and roses and it was absolutely adorable! The girls were also given some sweet flowers and roses that we left at their grave.

I also received so many e-mails, messages, comments, cards, and sweet gifts from all of you as well. Having little messages pop up throughout the week and on Sunday really helped to get me through the difficult moments. Just to know you were out there thinking of us brought me comfort. Thank you!!

There was one more gift that I received that day…It is not something tangible, but to me it was the best possible thing ever. It was a message from my girls. I am not going to go into details of how I received this message because it is really just too complicated, but I trust in this person and believe in what she is telling me, she has no reason to be anything but honest with me. She has been a great source of comfort to me and I appreciate her more than I think she will ever know. Here is the message I received from her:

Your baby girls are fine. I know it's hard for you, but they are peaceful, happy and fine. Also, they like the attention.

Reading this really made me emotional. To hear that they are fine and happy gives me peace. And knowing that they like the attention…well that just made me chuckle because I can see them laughing and giggling and being excited by all the things that were done for them on their first birthday. I love you Sophia & Ellie and I hope you enjoyed your birthday celebration! xoxo

Now that the first year has passed me by, I feel more at ease with things. I still miss my girls like crazy, but I now feel like I can concentrate on this new baby a little more. As some of you know, i have NOTHING ready. We don’t have a name, we don’t have a place for her to sleep, I don’t have the car seat ready…NOTHING!! Hutch & I did go out and buy a few things this weekend, but I still feel so unprepared. That is what I will be focusing on in the next couple weeks. I have some questions and need some advice, so I will be posting about that soon and any input you have is greatly appreciated…it hasn’t been that long since we had Emma, but everything just feels so different this time. Oh well, I guess I will figure it all out, but stay tuned to give me your two cents on a few things!!

preparing for Sunday

2010-04-28T08:36:00.001-07:00

Where do I even begin???

The entire month of April was difficult. It was like the calendar turned to April 1st and my mood changed along with it without even knowing. The week before Sophia ‘s & Ellie’s birthday was especially hard. I had been told by my special friend Nan to keep busy and when I started feeling sad to do something for my girls. I thought about this and although it sounded like wonderful advice, I didn’t know how to implement it, but then it just happened.

As you know I really struggled with what to do for Sophia’s & Ellie’s birthday. I didn’t know what to do or who to include. After talking with Hutch and hearing a few other things, I decided to just keep it to our little family. But then one of my sils asked about going to the cemetery that day because her kids wanted to release some balloons for the girls. So that got me thinking…A few days before their b-day I sent out an e-mail to our close family/friends and told them we would be at the cemetery at 1:00 to celebrate the girls’ birthday if they would like to join us. I also asked them not to feel any obligation to be there because I really didn’t want to bother anyone with this. I was pretty overwhelmed when I saw that everyone I had sent the e-mail to was there…I really wasn’t expecting that.

So the days before Sunday were filed with preparations. Some of these were things I began weeks ago, others were last minute thoughts. Many weeks ago I contacted Butterflies and Prayers. This organization's mission “Is to provide butterflies and prayers to families grieving due to the untimely and tragic loss of a loved one.” They connect families to butterfly farmers in their area who are willing to donate these beautiful butterflies for special events. I was so happy to learn we had a local farmer who was willing to do this for us, and it just happened to be someone that I used a couple years ago for pony rides for Emma’s birthday party! So that was one thing checked off my list.

Another person I contacted a while ago was Dana from Portraits by Dana. I wanted her to do a sketch of Sophia & Ellie. I have pictures taken when we were in the hospital, but they are not something that many people would be comfortable looking at. So I contacted Dana and had her do a sketch. I LOVE it! It looks just like my girls and it is something that I can feel good about when other people look at it.

Another thing I did was make a card to give to those people who would be joining us on Sunday. On this card I included the sketch because not many people have even seen Sophia’s & Ellie’s pictures. I also found a poem, Two Little Butterflies, that I changed just a little and used on the card. I then wrote a special message from us and gave the link to Sophia's & Ellie’s MOD bands if anyone was interested in making a small donation in honor of them.

Since butterflies kept working their way into Sophia’s & Ellie’s special day, I decided to go with a butterfly theme. Instead of doing a cake I decided to make cupcakes to give to everyone who was coming. I spent a lot of time looking for the right thing to top off the cupcakes. Well this turned into a bit of a fiasco! I ordered tags with the girls’ names, birthdate and two sweet little butterflies. The order was to be rushed to me, but when I hadn’t received it on Friday, I contacted the seller. Poor thing…she felt so badly…she forgot to mark the order as a rush and although it was filled, it sat in her shop in Texas Friday afternoon. When I read this I lost it, I sat at the computer with tears streaming down my cheeks…I understood how the mix-up happened, but why did it have to happen to me, for this event??? After I calmed down, I decided to ask the seller if she could send me a pdf of the tag and I could make them myself. While I was typing this message, she sent me another message asking this same thing! So she sent me the file, I called her and she told me all the tools I would need to make the tags. I really am so happy that things worked out this was, because it kept my hands busy and my mind occupied so I didn’t have too much time to really sit and think about all the details that get my emotions going. It made me happy to be doing something for Sophia & Ellie. Emma was a big help with the tags. She punched out all the butterflies for me, while I assembled the rest of the tag.

Then the cupcakes…Emma & I started baking Saturday morning. My mom stopped by and was sucked into helping me! After she put together a flower arrangement for the girls’ grave, I had her help me with decorating the cupcakes. I put the icing on and her and Emma did the sugar sprinkles. Then we boxed them up and mom tied the bows and I put the tags on. (Forgive the pictures, Emma was the photographer of the day.)

So everything was ready, I had the butterflies lined up, the cupcakes were ready to go, the card was safely tucked under the cupcake box, flowers were ready, I was getting balloons the next morning…I was ready. Ready as one can be I guess.

I will save Sunday for another post since this is getting quite lengthy. However, I do want to thank you for ALL the messages I received wishing my girls a happy birthday and me a peaceful day. Your kind words brought me much comfort…Thank you!!!

Happy 1st Birthday Sophia & Ellie

2010-04-25T08:08:00.000-07:00

Slideshow design created with Smilebox

busy

2010-04-17T08:25:00.001-07:00

Busy…That is how my life has been the last couple of weeks. Sophia’s & Ellie’s birthday is quickly approaching. I have made several decisions about what to do, but now I have to prepare for them and I think that part is even harder. We have had many events and functions to attend the last couple of weeks. Last year I went to some of these things as a VERY pregnant mother to be of twins. Others, I had just lost the girls and was still trying to cope with the newness of it all. Needless to say, these things have taken me right back to that place I was at almost a year ago. I even overheard people talking about me at one of these events, but that is okay because it made me feel like they remembered my girls (even though they didn’t know them.) I haven’t attended some of these things because I don’t want to talk to people about this pregnancy and feel awkward when I do or don’t talk about my pregnancy with the twins.

Its hard and still so fresh when I think about that day…that very long day that wasn’t long enough. I would have stayed on that day forever if it meant I wouldn’t have to turn my girls over to someone to have their tiny bodies buried. It is all still so painful when I actually sit and think about it. I guess that is why I just try to busy myself, sometimes it is easier to take my mind away from that day and not think about all the agonizing details, not replay them over and over in my mind. I prefer to just focus on my girls and their sweet little faces. I guess that is what I will try to do this week…the last week before their first birthday.

Yesterday I was asked THREE times how many children this baby will make for us…THREE time in ONE day!!! I think I need a shirt that says not to ask this question. I hate this question…HATE it!! All three times yesterday my answer was, “Three.” I hate that I can’t just say 5, but I think my problem with it is this. Five is a lot of kids…so I feel like if I say that, people may react and say something like, “Five…wow that a lot of kids, blah, blah, blah…” Then the conversation may turn into me explaining our non-traditional family and again, awkwardness. I don’t know, I have thought about trying it out on someone, but just haven’t found the right person to be my guinea pig I guess. And really, I giess it is not a big deal, but it makes me uncomfortable when I don't include Sophia & Ellie because they are very much a part of our family.

This week will be another busy one as I prepare myself for next Sunday. It is so hard to believe almost a year has passed; it feels like yesterday. I guess it will always feel that way, every detail of that bittersweet day is forever engrained in my mind and heart.

Our First Easter

2010-04-05T09:05:00.001-07:00

Happy first Easter Sophia & Ellie.

Last Easter you were still tucked safely inside my belly. Growing, kicking, pushing, and happy. Grandma had a special Easter Basket for the two of you to share. I still have the special box she used and I keep some of your very precious things in it today. We were all so happy and excited to be meeting the two of you in the next few months, little did we know how our lives would change so quickly.

Today I can imagine dressing you in Easter pretties and watching you crawl across the grass to all the colorful eggs. I wish this was our life, with the two of you physically in it. Instead we did things to remember you. We decorated eggs and wrote your names on them.

The Easter bunny thought of you too! He brought Sophia a very sweet pink tulip and Ellie a beautiful purple tulip. We will plant them in our yard and think of you when we look at them.

While we were away last week, your big sister thought of you too. We were down on the beach and someone had drawn a big heart in the sand. She wrote your names inside the heart because she loves you girls and misses you so much.

I miss you sweet girls. I hate that things are this way and that you can’t be here with us. But I do hope you are having a wonderful celebration in Heaven and Great-Grandma is helping you find the best eggs ever.

Love you,

Mommy

11 months

2010-03-25T08:39:00.001-07:00

Sigh...11 months. How can it already be 11 months? Where have the days gone? How have I managed to go on living this long? It all seems so vivid, like it just happened yesterday, but it has really been 11 months.

The days seemed to be getting easier for a while, but now I am overwhelmed with missing and longing for my girls. I don't know if it is hormones, or because I am not working and have more time to think, or if it is just where I am at in this so called process. Really it doesn't matter why. I am just very sad that Sophia & Ellie aren't here. That they aren't in our home. That we are unable to hold them and kiss them. Sad doesn’t really even begin to describe my feelings. I don’t think there are any words great enough, but I know you know what I mean,

I was driving home this morning and thinking about a room for the new baby. What I envisioned though while thinking of this room was two babies occupying the space. It took me a minute to realize that will never happen. That there will never be two babies in that room. Sophia & Ellie will never be physically present in our home and that realization breaks me. I still don’t understand why, I don’t think I ever will. It ~~tortures~~ haunts me at times because it is all just so…unfair (you knew that word was coming!)

I’ve been trying to decide what to do next month for Sophia’s & Ellie’s 1st birthday. I’ve tried to think about what feels right; having a celebration of their lives with close friends and family, or just doing something by ourselves. However, I just can’t decide…I can’t figure out what feels right and that is just not me. Then it hit me…None of this feels right. None of this is right. This is not the way our lives should be. I think the only thing that would feel right would be celebrating our girls’ first birthday with them home with us. I know this will never happen though so I am still left with figuring out what to do. I don’t know why this is so hard for me…it doesn’t seem to be a problem for other people, but I really just can not decide.

I will be taking flowers to the cemetery this morning and will be doing it alone. Really though, sometimes I prefer it this way. I can let my guard down a little bit and just be there…just me and the girls. Tomorrow we are going to the beach for a few days. I think it will be good to get away and let the distractions take over my thoughts. Maybe I will have a moment of clarity and figure out what to do next month…I doubt it, but you never know!

Happy 11 months Sophia & Ellie. Mommy loves and misses you so very much. xoxo

better

2010-03-19T08:07:00.000-07:00

Thank you all so much for your kind words, encouragement, and understanding after my last post. It wasn't very easy for me to put those feelings in writing, but as usual your comments made me realize that I am not alone in this battle.

I have been feeling a little better. I am trying not to let my anger take over, although sometimes it is just hard. Sometimes one little thing may set me off and then I can feel my emotions spinning out of control. Not to mention that I have been off work for several weeks and have had A LOT of time to just sit and think. I love having the time to myself, but on the other hand I think it is sometimes helpful to have something going on to occupy my thoughts besides Fam.ily Fe.ud (not to mention there has been a set of identical twins on the show for the past few days...whatever!)

I briefly read a blog where the writer talks about Perfect Moments. (I am not sure how I got to this blog or the address.) Perfect Moments are not something you create, they are something you find in your life everyday...just little snippets of your day that make me smile or my heart melt. (That is in my words not the blogger's.) So I am trying to focus on those Perfect Moments. Like those times when my children are playing nicely together (that is not always very often with 7 years in between them.) Or when Emma says something that just melts my heart. Or getting an e-mail from someone who was thinking of Sophia & Ellie. Those to me are Perfect Moments and then happen everyday many times a day and I am trying to spend more time enjoying these when they happen.

Here is one Perfect Moment for today. I woke up to find this in my Inbox:

Thank you so much Sarah & Richard for thinking of my girls. You are always so kind and thoughtful and I am so grateful for the pictures you have sent me. I wonder if you truly know how much it warms my heart that you did this for my girls.

So my morning started off with a Perfect Moment and then getting the kids ready and off to school there were several Not So Perfect Moments. Now I am home alone for a few hours trying to occupy myself because it is hard to create a Perfect Moment all on your own! And I can't help but wonder how many Perfect Moments I would be having right now if Sophia & Ellie were here.